Science...For Her! (22 page)

Radon
and
X-rays
were discovered by Marie Curie. You could say this next section is
X-ray-ted!
Because she invented X-rays, and because here’s a peen!

How fun was THAT? No actually, I’m asking. I really don’t know what’s fun or not anymore. I’ve totally lost all concept of “fun.” But that was fun, right?

And, P.S., I’ve been doing some thinking over these few months (but never while I’m driving, don’t worry!). I think I’m ready to end this long-distance relationship with Xander. I’ve even slept with a select few of my favorite football teams to ease the transition! So it looks like I’m back on the market, ladies!

QUESTION 1:
How quickly did you come in the Bucking Bronco position?

ASSERTION 1:
That was a trick question, women can’t come!! (More on this later!)

QUESTION 2:
How do you get vomit off a chicken bone?

QUESTION 3:
Has your menstrual cycle synched with mine yet?

QUESTION 4:
If not, why not? Do you hate me? Are we not best friends anymore? Because I was about to invite you to meet my mom. We were going to have a
Clueless
-themed party and all watch
Clueless
together.

QUESTION 5:
Did question 4 count as one or three questions?

ASSERTION 2:
I love you girls even more than I ever thought I could. :)

Physics

Introduction

Math Review

Why, Scientifically, Women Can’t Drive . . . for Her!

The Top Woman Driver in America

Atoms

Get Down on All “Force” and Stick Your Finger in My Butthole

Weight
Laws
Tips, Get It, Instead of “Weight Loss Tips”!

Heating Up & Cooling Down

Science . . . for Urban Her!

Laws of Physics . . .
Jude
Laws
of Physics! I’m Talkin’ Hotties of Physics! ;)

America: A Review

Flat Planes, Or: My Best Friend Lauren Who Wears a 32A Bra

The Future of Physics

This Spring’s Top Cover-Ups!

Television

Let’s Get Physics, Y’All! Recap

LET’S GET PHYSICS, Y’ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SEE—I REMEMBERED!!!!!!

LET’S GET PHYSICS, Y’ALL!

(A PARODY OF “PHYSICAL” BY OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN)

I’M SAYING ALL THE THINGS THAT I KNOW YOU’LL LIKE

ABOUT PHYSICS AND SCIENCE

I GOTTA TEACH YOU FACTS JUST RIGHT

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! ;) (PERFORMANCE NOTE: For the winking face, you can either actually wink or sing the words “winking emoticon.”)

I TOOK YOU TO A CHAPTER ON BIOLOGY

AND THEN A REAL CHEMISTRY CHAPTER

THERE’S NOTHING LEFT TO TALK ABOUT

UNLESS IT’S PHYSICS OR ALL THE OTHER CHAPTERS

LET’S GET PHYSICS, Y’ALL

PHYSICS, Y’ALL

I WANNA GET PHYSICS, Y’ALL

LET’S LEARN ABOUT INCLINED PLANES, INCLINED PLANES

LET’S LEARN ABOUT INCLINED PLANES

I think we all agree, that song that I wrote was amazing, gals! So, physics is kind of difficult to teach because it’s not just a soft science like bio and chem, it’s a super
hard science
. Usually I like when things are hard (Can I get a “dick as hard as a diamond and as red as blood, aka a blood diamond”?!), but when it comes to sciences, I like them soft and flaccid, like my boyfriend when I showed him my “twin.”

Physics comes from the Greek φυσική (έπιστήµη), which, loosely translated, means “illegible.” Physics looks at matter through space and time. So, while chemistry studies the mixing of matter, physics studies how matter moves and exists.

Physics is probably the most important science. There are international committees that are charged with making advances in physics. You’d think we as a human race would figure out that there are more important things to spend money on than physics, but I guess not! All that money could be going toward figuring out more kewl things to top frozen yogurt with (NOTE TO SELF: try regular yogurt???), or why you could
be a grown woman and your titties could still look like two little mosquito bites,
Lauren
. Lauren is my best friend who has the tiniest titties. They basically look like two Girl Scout merit badges, except that it’s the opposite of merit. It’s like her chest is a Girl Scout vest and you get badges for worthlessness and she got both the worthlessness badges you get when you have tiny boobs. Boom, Lauren. You got
burned.

And guess who also got burned? Xander, for being a little bitch! I’ve finally moved on! I know you were worried I wasn’t going to get over him so easily, but I am doing great, girls. In the time since I last wrote, I’ve slept with every member of Xander’s ninth-grade hockey team! I am SO OVER HIM!! Over him like his old high school hockey friends were OVER ME as they GANGBANGED ME IN THE PARKING LOT OF AN OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE!!

Before we get into the meat of physics, we gotta review some basic math. Physics is very math-heavy, so if you don’t know math, this is not going to be a fun Wednesday night for you! You might as well break out the Wednesday wine and give it all up!

Let’s quickly cover math basics. Here’s a mnemonic device: 4 before 5 except after 6! Also, remember this little joke to figure out the order of numbers: Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9! And why was 9 afraid of 10? Because 10 is a Crip-affiliated black man!

Well, there we go—that’s pretty much all of math! Congrats!

As the old saying goes, women are like snowflakes: they can’t drive. This is a part of science that I feel very passionate about. If I can save even one life of a lady driver or pedestrian (male or female), this whole book-and-writing ensemble will have been worth it.

Fashion check-in time! Right now I’m wearing a white cotton T-shirt that has the left boob cut out, an eye patch over my left nipple, and the bottom half of one of those huge cakes a stripper is supposed to pop out of. I tried to pop out of one for my current boyfriend Anton’s birthday (he played goalie), but I think I’ve put on a little weight in the hips and I couldn’t quite get out. :( I hate that I can’t still fit into my stripper cakes from high school.

We’ve all been there: you’re in your cute little car, singing along to “Firework” by Katy Perry, and suddenly you’ve mowed down six pedestrians and a family of geese
FIG. 3.1
like they were blackheads and you were a super good Bioré blackhead remover strip (SPONSORED TWEET).

Here’s the thing: it’s not your fault! Due to your inherently poor grasp of physics, there is no reason that you
should
be able to drive.