Science...For Her! (23 page)
FIG. 3.1
REASONS SCIENTIFICALLY
Why Women Can’t Drive
SPEED
Speed
is how much distance is covered over a certain amount of time. Women can’t control the speed of their cars because speed is measured in numbers, which are a major aspect of mathematics, something that is immediately erased from your memory when you listen to Katy Perry.
VELOCITY
Velocity
is speed over time. It measures a rate of change of speed. Women can’t control the velocity of their cars because their pocket mirrors/gems/Greek yogurt fall onto the accelerator pedal, making the car speed up infinitely until the car explodes/they reach the mall.
DISPLACEMENT
Displacement
is the distance between an object’s initial position and its final position. Women can’t understand the displacement of their cars because it’s measured in feet and feet reminds us of shoes (Louboutin!) and then we forget how many feet we’re supposed to be thinking of!
SPATIAL REASONING
In general, women have no idea where their bodies or cars are in space. Right before I wrote this, I ran into a clean window just like a bird! I guess that’s on me for cleaning my windows so gosh darn well every Sunday!
LADY DRIVERS!
Can’t live with ’em . . . !
Women should be encouraged to do all they can to push back against their shortcomings.
Science . . . for Her!
held a contest to find the best female driver in America! Lady drivers were judged on how many accidents they’d been in, how many fatalities per accident, and number of driving gloves owned (pairs not singles), as well as other categories. Entrants also had to write an essay explaining why they were a good female driver despite their inborn shortcomings, and why any pedestrian fatalities were the victims’ faults.
After taking all the parameters into consideration, we finally picked a winner—Carly Jansen, twenty-nine, of Bangor, Maine!! Unfortunately, Carly was killed in an auto accident as she was answering her cell-phone call from us telling her she’d won, so we moved on to the runner-up, Lizzie Lambert, thirty-three, of Ann Arbor, Michigan! She’s pretty good, too.
The
TOP WOMAN DRIVER
in America
Name:
Lizzie Lambert
Age:
33
Hometown:
Ann Arbor, Michigan
Number of accidents:
2
Number of fatalities:
1
LIZZIE’S ESSAY:
Even though I was born in the prison that is a woman’s body, I feel that I have worked night and day to overcome this living hell of a gender. I played a lot of pool to practice spatial reasoning. I invested in conservative footwear (two-inch stilettos with studs on the cuff) so that my foot would rarely slip off the brake and onto the gas. I took two extra sessions of driver’s ed so that I would be fully prepared to merge on AND off the freeway. I made a real commitment to putting on my makeup BEFORE I started driving, and if I had to put on makeup while driving I waited for long stretches of straight road so I could safely take both hands off the wheel. I realized that “Do Not Enter” signs were not suggestions, but should be respected as canon. I removed enough of the “Proud Mother of an Honor Student at Rushfield Middle School” bumper stickers that I had plastered the windshield with so that there were two eyeholes to look out through. I removed all the stuffed animals from the back window except the Spongebob because he’s so cute!!!!! I’ve stopped sticking my head out the moonroof as a hair dryer. I started holding the steering wheel at 10 and 2. I learned to read an analog clock so I could figure out what “10 and 2” means (so retro!). I’ve stopped making my honor student at Rushfield Middle apply my lipstick for me. I’ve stopped tailgating so that I could check out the hair extensions of the gal driver in front of me.
LIZZIE’S EXPLANATION OF HER FATALITY:
I unfortunately totaled my car in my first driver’s-ed course, but the driving school that I was taking it from was super classy. They took full responsibility for not teaching me how to merge and, even though I killed my driver’s-ed instructor, they gave me a coupon for two free classes. I’m writing this essay during the second one! Shut up, Mr. Know-It-All teacher, I do what I want!
*While giving this interview, Lizzie crashed her car into a car containing the second-, third-, fourth-, and fifth-best remaining woman drivers in America. There were no survivors, and no other women in America know how to drive. Better luck next year!
A lot of physics deals with li’l atoms and how they split apart and squish together. When atoms split or join, they unleash a lot of energy in the form of physics. See, a lot of good things come in small packages! That’s what I used to say about my ex Karl, who had a package that was so tiny that I sometimes used heat-finding night goggles to see where it was. Turns out he didn’t have one. Karl was a woman. I should have known when he kept telling me his name was Carla and he was my roommate at our all-girls school. Isn’t it annoying how all the good guys are either taken or women?
But if you’re a normal red-blooded lady like myself (Type AB, baby! I’m the universal recipient . . . of PENIS! ;) Can I get a “Go to
www.redcrossblood.org
to find out how you can donate blood to your local Red Cross Blood Bank”?!), the word
atom
just reminds you of some sexy-ass Adams that you want to jumpity-hump.
Atoms
vs
.
Adams
HYDROGEN ATOM |
|
Adam Levine has crazy sex bones and tats. The hydrogen atom is small and trim, for those of you ladies who enjoy good things that come (cum!!) in small packages, like I said. | |
WINNER: Adam Levine |
| NEON ATOM |
Adam Brody combines the handsomeness of a symmetrical face with the whimsy of being a Jew. In recent years, the neon atom has really let itself go. | |
WINNER: Adam Brody |
NITROGEN ATOM |
|
Adam Lambert is a gay icon. So is nitrogen! | |
WINNER: Nitrogen atom |
