Seasons of Sugarcreek 03. Autumn's Promise (19 page)

His parents hadn’t been afraid to describe every feeling they’d been grappling with during the last twelve hours. They hadn’t been afraid to yell, or to bring him to tears.

Or, he thought glumly, to assign his punishment.

Caleb scooped up another shovel of soiled hay from the horse’s stalls and added it to the overflowing wheelbarrow. For the next week, he had to do all of his siblings’ chores, in addition to his own.

That meant he had to do Anson’s stall cleaning, Carrie’s jobs in the chicken coop, and to help wash dishes—Judith’s usual area.

He had to dust for Maggie and even pick up things around the family room—little Toby’s job.

The only reprieve he’d gotten was the laundry. He was exempt from that chore—but only because his mother was afraid he’d mess it all up.

Caleb scooped up more hay and tossed it in the wheelbarrow, then turned toward the compost area. As he walked, a rank smell floated upward…reminding Caleb of just how much he hated mucking out horse stalls.

Behind him, Jim nickered from his stall. It sounded high pitched enough that Caleb imagined the horse was snickering at him. He supposed he couldn’t blame the horse. Spending an hour every morning ankle deep in soiled straw was no way to begin a day.

“Enjoy yourself all you want, Jim,” he muttered. “I’ll be laughing at you this winter when you’re leading the buggy in the snow.”

“Talking to the animals, Caleb?” his father said when Caleb slowly pushed the wheelbarrow out of the barn.

Caleb felt a blush come on but hoped his father didn’t notice. Here he was, trying so hard to say he was old…and still couldn’t help but talk to animals. “Only to Jim.”

Instead of looking irritated, his father surprised him by smiling. “That horse. He’s a
gut
listener, ain’t so? If he could talk, he’d have hours of secrets to share, I think. I know; I’ve told him lots.”

“I never knew you did such a thing.”

“Sometimes I can’t help it,” he said as he fell into step beside Caleb. As they continued walking along the well-worn path out to the compost pile, his father murmured, “It’s a hard and lonely life, working all day in the fields with only a horse for company. But you know that, of course.”

Lifting up the handles a bit, Caleb guided the barrow up another hill, then over the last ten yards to the compost area.

He didn’t know what to say to his father. Never before had he imagined that his dad didn’t always enjoy his work on the farm.

But perhaps his comment had much to do with their current activity. Usually, by this time of day, his father was at the store or busily working on some project that was needed to be done around the farm. Never did he take time off to walk along with Caleb.

Frank Graber was the most industrious man he’d ever met.

With some surprise, Caleb realized that his father was also a terribly good man. An honest one. A man who was devout and caring.

Could he ever measure up to standards like that? Joshua had, but Caleb knew he was made of different stuff. Was it even worth it to try?

After Caleb dumped the soiled hay and turned around, his father spoke again. “I’ve been thinking a lot about you, Caleb.”

“I bet you have,” he said drily. “I bet you wish I’d just go away.”

“No, I do not,” he said forcibly. When Caleb stared at him in surprise, his father visibly gained control of himself. “I mean, I haven’t ever wished you would leave, son. Not ever.”

“Daed, I know you’re upset with me. I know I’ve been nothing but trouble lately, what with my family meeting about wanting to leave and my phone call from the police station.”

“Those have kept me up at night, I’ll not lie about that. But we all make mistakes, Caleb.”

“Not like me.” He looked down at his boots, unable to look his father in the eye. Already, he could feel the bands of disapproval wafting from him. Seeing that in his eyes would only be harder to bear.

“I’m afraid that you are mistaken, Caleb.”

Almost against his will, his head popped up.

“What?”

“We all make mistakes. The Lord gives us options, but each of us must make our own way. And that is a difficult thing, I think. It is a hard path, trying to figure out what to do.”

Caleb gazed into the fields. “For the last year, I thought what I wanted most was to go live among the English. All I did at night was worry how you and the rest of the family would take the news.”

“I thought we did all right.”

His father’s hopeful tone teased a smile from him. “I think so, too.”

“But now you aren’t so sure you want to go?” Miserably, he shook his head. “It’s confusing me, too, Daed. See, I thought I was ready to grow up. But this episode with Blake and Jeremy scared me.”

“I spoke with Scott Allen about those boys. He told me that even
Englischer
kids give them a wide berth. They seem to be magnets for trouble for everyone.”

But instead of making him feel better, Caleb only felt worse. “Then how come I didn’t know any better? How come I wasn’t smart enough to figure it out?” In frustration, Caleb released the wheelbarrow. The sudden movement brought it to the hard ground with a bang, then the jarring set it on its side.

Stunned, Caleb watched one of the back wheels spin as his father only stood silent.

Without warning, tears pricked his eyes. “I’m sorry, Daed.”

“It’s merely knocked over, son. The barrow is fine.” Before Caleb could stop him, his father picked up the wheelbarrow and set it to rights. “See now? It’s as good as new.”

“Danke.”

“You are welcome, son. It’s a father’s duty sometimes to pick things up and set them to rights, anyway.”

Caleb understood the analogy. “I’ll try to be better.”

“Perhaps you should just try to be yourself,
jah
? I don’t need a perfect son.”

Without warning, he felt the sting of his father’s words. Never was he going to live up to his expectations. “You don’t need me to be perfect because you have Joshua.”

“Stop that, now,” his father retorted sharply. “We both know he is not that…and he doesn’t need to be, either. All he needs to be is who our God wants him to be. And that, I think, is good enough.”

The statement washed over Caleb, healing old resentments that he always held close to his chest. Now that the air felt more clear, Caleb turned to his father. “Daed, I’m so confused. I thought I wanted to be English, but now I’m not so sure. And if I’m not sure, I want to know why. All I’ve been thinking and planning for the last year is how I could get away from here. But now that I’m getting the chance, I’m afraid.”

“What are you afraid of?”

The question was so gently asked, Caleb shuddered a breath and thought hard. “I’m afraid I won’t feel any better in the outside world,” he said finally. “I’m afraid that everything I’ve been looking for isn’t what my heart truly wants. It isn’t what God wants. But, no matter how hard I listen, I can’t seem to hear what He wants me to do.”

To Caleb’s surprise, his father laughed. “Caleb, you don’t know how many times I, too, have ached to hear God’s advice. Loud and clear. But He always seems to be working on his own time, yes?”

Thankful to be understood, Caleb nodded…and looked at his
daed
again, with fresh eyes.

Beside him, his father looked so strong and sturdy. Of course, he always had. Years of hard work and happiness had formed his body. He was tall and thick, and now had a layer of fat that his mother teased him about. His beard had touches of gray and the lines around his eyes were deeper than they used to be.

To his surprise, Caleb realized he wasn’t looking for flaws in his father anymore. Instead, he was looking for the things that gave him comfort and guidance.

Joshua had always been a replica of his father’s personality. Steady. Assured. He looked so like him, that everyone always drew comparisons. Caleb, on the other hand, had felt so different. And that difference had been both a blessing and a curse. No one compared him to his father.

Which made him wonder if he should ever walk in his footsteps.

Looking at his boots, his father finally spoke. “Did you know when my grandfather opened the store, he faced a lot of opposition?”

“Yes.” The stories surrounding the opening of the store were well known to everyone in the family. “But someone had to make a change, and there was a need for a store in Sugarcreek.”

“Yes, that is all true. But there was also a different need, I’m thinking,” he said quietly. “I think he wanted to find a place for himself where he could be successful.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that for a time, I’ve thought you were much like my
daed
, Caleb. He was the restless sort.” With a wry shake of his head, he added, “He weren’t much of a farmer. Not ever. Everyone knew it.”

“But we’re all so proud of him.”

“Ach,
jah
. We certainly are,” agreed his father. “And I am grateful for the store. It’s been a mighty good way to support a large family such as ours. But in some ways, I’m a more simple man that my
daed
, I think. There’s nothing wrong with that, I don’t think. It’s just how it is.”

The words reverberated through Caleb. Giving him a freedom he didn’t previously think was in his grasp. Could it actually be that easy? That a man was simply who God made him?

That the Lord hadn’t meant for him to leave the church, but perhaps just go his own way? As the questions rattled around in his brain and he struggled for answers, Caleb felt years older, like a veil had been lifted from his eyes and the dizzying barriers that had plagued him for the past year no longer mattered.

He was free to be himself. Even if it wasn’t who he had thought everyone had wanted him to be.

But it was as the Lord had intended all along. Looking toward the barn, his dad added, “See, I don’t mind talkin’ with the horses. I don’t mind being ankle deep in mud come spring, or letting the Lord’s will determine my plantings. There’s a certain beauty that surrounds my life that way, I think. It gives me great peace. But it isn’t for everyone.”

“I don’t want to farm.”

“I know you don’t. And I know dealing with the store isn’t your place, either. That’s just as well, I’m thinkin’, because Joshua has always taken to it like a duck in water. But…maybe there’s someplace else for you. A place for you to grow and thrive…in the Amish community.”

“Like what?”

“Maybe you’d like working in the brickyard. There’s a prosperous business there. Many a man have worked in the brick factory for years. And have been happy about it.”

Caleb had never thought of that. “You wouldn’t mind?”

“Nee.”
With a grunt, his father bent down and picked up the wheelbarrow.

When Caleb offered to push instead, his father said, “Caleb, it’s time we all decided that what we want for you needs to come second to
your
wants and needs. Every man has to take his place in the world when he grows up.”

“Maybe I’ll stop by the brickyards and take a look.”

“Yes. I think you should. Just to take a look-see, you know.”

“I might not be able to work there until I’m eighteen.”

“Even if that was the case, you’d know where you were headed, yes? That is, if you decide to stay here in Sugarcreek. And if you decided that you still want to be Amish.”

Caleb stopped again. “How come I’ve had such a hard time growing up? How come I haven’t known what to do? Who to be?”

“You’ll have to ask Jesus when you get to heaven, I suppose. Just like poor Paul said from prison, ‘I can do all things through Christ, because he gives me strength.’”

“Those are
gut
words to remember,” Caleb said.

They had made it to the barn. Jim whinnied a hello. The floor still needed to be swept and the chicken coop cleaned. His father wrinkled his nose. “There’s a lot of work still to be done here, I think.”

There was so much to do. “Do you think I still need to do everyone’s chores?”

His father laughed, the noise coming deep from within him and echoing through the barn’s interior. “Without a doubt you still need to do everyone’s chores, Caleb. You’re still in trouble. But, perhaps, I should take some time and remind Anson of his duties around here. He hasn’t been doing things as he should.”

Though Caleb was tempted to blab about Anson never doing things as he should, he didn’t. Anson could earn and receive his own lectures—he didn’t need Caleb adding to them.

And, Caleb knew he should concentrate on himself and his goals instead of focusing on what was lacking.

Impulsively, Caleb stepped forward. Reached out to his father.
“Danke.”

Instead of replying, his father pulled him into a hug. When Caleb’s hat fell to the ground, his
daed
pressed his lips to Caleb’s head.

And then, without another word, he turned and left. Jim whinnied again.

With a grin, Caleb walked to the horse and rubbed his neck. “Yes, horse. I agree. Things are going to be just fine.” Wrinkling his nose, he added, “Well, they will be, as soon as I get that chicken coop cleaned.”

Gretta’s words were sharp and to the point. “I think you’re making a terrible mistake, Lilly Allen.”

“You do, hmm?” Lilly looked up from the table she was washing. “What exactly, have I done wrong?”

“You know.” Gretta’s expression hardened, even though she was holding a sleeping Will. “You’ve fairly broke Robert Miller’s heart.”

Just seeing how tiny little Will was made Lilly’s heart melt. He was a beautiful baby, but even his cherubic cheeks couldn’t replace the cold mixture of feelings that Gretta’s blame was producing. “Robert’s broken heart, or otherwise, is not my responsibility.”

Gretta helped herself to a chair, carefully shifting the baby in her arms as she did so. “I think otherwise.”

Lilly had enough on her mind without Gretta’s guilt. “Shouldn’t you be home in bed? It’s only been a week, Gretta.”

“The doctor said I could move around a bit as I see fit. And Will likes being out for a bit. We’ll go home after you and I talk.”

Lilly set her washrag down. “Did you actually come here to talk? Because it sure doesn’t feel like that. I’m getting the impression that you marched over here to yell.”

“I don’t yell.”

“Okay. Snip and nag. Look. Why don’t you say your piece?”

Gretta’s cheeks bloomed as she opened her mouth, then shut it again quickly. After a moment, she sputtered, “I think you made a poor decision. You’ve hurt Robert terribly. And he’s been through so much.”

“I know.”

“And Elsa was ready to take you in. We would have all gladly helped you become Amish, you know. It would have been easy.”

“No, it wouldn’t,” Lilly finally said. “It wouldn’t be easy. It would be hard and difficult and frustrating. I don’t think I can do it.”

“I didn’t think you were afraid of hard work.”

“It’s not the hard work. It’s me. It’s losing me, Gretta. I would simply be trying to fit in. And I can’t do that.”

“It’s the woman’s role to make things work.”

“Then it’s going to have to be someone else’s role. Gretta, I wanted to do this. I wanted to fall in love with Robert and accept everything he is. I wanted to be a part of his life. And I’m willing to make sacrifices. But we’re not simply talking about giving up a car. Or wanting to start wearing a
kapp
. We’re talking about me adopting a new religion and all the rules that come with it.”

Though she felt like she was doing an incredibly poor job of explaining herself, she continued. “I want to give my heart to Robert. But I can’t give up my whole being, too. I’m sorry.”

Trying to explain herself to Gretta was almost harder than broaching the subject with Robert. Never would she have imagined that not becoming Amish would be a problem. “If I thought I could change who I was—change who I am—I would have. But I just don’t think I can. It might not mean too much to you, but I promise, I really did consider it.”

“But his heart, Lilly. It’s breaking.”

Lilly was a little put out. After all, her heart was breaking, too. She loved Robert. His appearance in her life had pulled her out of a deep depression and given her hope. Knowing that he was gone forever was devastating. But nobody seemed to be thinking about that.

“Gretta, I don’t want to discuss this with you. It’s none of your business, anyway.”

“It is. I care. I care about you both.”

“Perhaps,” she allowed. But it didn’t feel that way. It felt like she was being judged and found wanting. Yet again.

Slowly, Gretta stood up. With the complete concentration that only a new mother can have, she carefully wrapped William back in his quilt and settled him in his buggy.

Only after arranging the quilt again did Gretta face Lilly. “I better get on home.”

“Will you ever be able to forgive me?” Understanding and forgiveness were two different things.

“Of course. But I’m sad, too. This is a difficult thing. I suppose I was hoping for a perfect ending, but everything doesn’t always work out that way, does it?”

“No. Rarely does everything turn out perfect.” Gretta’s lips trembled. “I’m exhausted. I’d best get on home now.”

“Do you need help? I could sit with him while you nap.”

“
Nee
. I, too, can be independent.”

Lilly watched her friend leave with a feeling of sadness. A barrier had just formed between the two of them. Perhaps it was just the knowledge that they would never actually be as close as sisters.

Their lives were too different for that.

With a feeling of regret, Lilly continued to watch Gretta walk away, the last of the falling leaves swirling around her skirts as she guided the stroller down the sidewalk.

When she disappeared from view, Lilly stepped closer to the window pane, and looked out beyond the buildings across the way. She looked out toward the hills and fields beyond.

The fields were dark and the majority of the trees stood bare. Their leaves had fallen and now things would lay still and barren until spring.

As she eyed the dark outline of trees against the dreary gray skies, Lilly wondered if her world would ever be bright again.

Going back to the shop was a difficult thing. Robert’s mind kept straying and his heart wasn’t in it. Even his hands felt awkward. He mismeasured and ruined a perfectly good piece of cherry with his ineptitude.

Halfheartedly, he worked for a few hours on the hope chest for Judith Graber. He did the best he could, then hopped in his buggy and headed home.

Thank goodness, the streets were practically deserted. He had no desire to see anyone he knew or to dodge vehicles. Everything felt like too much trouble. Like too much to think about.

When he finally got home, he thought his house looked even more dark and empty than ever. It looked so alone. Unkempt. Perhaps he would put on a fresh coat of white paint come spring.

With practiced hands, he unhooked the buggy and walked Star into the barn. It only took fifteen minutes to unharness him, give him a good brushing. Feeding him some oats and hay took no time, either.

Walking out of the barn, he stared at the house again.
The house
. Indeed, that’s all it was to him now—only a place to give him shelter.

With Grace, it had been a home. When they’d married, she’d taken great pride in her flower and vegetable garden.

She’d been a stickler for a schedule, too. If it was noon, chances were great that she’d have lunch on the table. Six o’clock brought dinner. And dinner always consisted of a meat and two vegetables.

And laughter.

Grace had been his love, his light. He’d loved her so much, and she’d been everything to him. Everything.

And then, when he’d sat by her side and watched her fade away, he’d watched part of himself leave this earth, too.

He’d never gotten angry about her death. Perhaps because Grace had never shaken her fist and cried about it. Oh, he knew she was sad to leave him. And her pain had been terribly fierce at times, but she had looked forward to going to heaven the way some people looked forward to spring flowers or ice cream.

She’d just been that way.

Robert believed with all his heart that the Lord had a plan for him. He believed it with all his being and was in complete agreement with it.

He certainly wanted to follow God’s plan.

But he felt so heavy inside, he didn’t know how to look up again. He just didn’t understand what the Lord had wanted him to do about Lilly.

He couldn’t bear to go in the house. Though the temperature had dropped, he sat on the gravel outside the barn and leaned up against the outside. Closed his eyes. And prayed.

Lord, I don’t know what you want of me,”
he began. Swallowing hard, he continued.

I’ve tried to be everything I am. I’ve tried to become the man you want me to be.

But I don’t understand why you brought Lilly Allen into my life. Was it just to tempt me? So I would know better than to look for things I shouldn’t?

Was that what was in your plan?

Robert rested the back of his head against the wooden wall. Felt the rough wood against his neck. Felt the cool breeze sting his cheeks.

And did his best to listen. To feel. To try to know what was right.

But when he opened his eyes, all he felt was the same painful loss.

And noticed that the sky had darkened.