Seasons of Sugarcreek 03. Autumn's Promise (15 page)

“Robert! It’s so good to see you.” Rushing around the back table, Lilly immediately sat down next to him by the window. In his usual place. “I didn’t know you were here.”

Something like amusement lit his eyes as he curved his fingers around a coffee mug. “Mrs. Kent said you were helping out in the back, so I told her not to bother you. What were you doing today?”

“Slicing and peeling apples. With Gretta on maternity leave, Miriam is really busy.”

“Is she alone back there?”

“No, but the two other people who come in aren’t very good, if you want to know the truth. One lady is only part-time and works really slow. The other girl is just fifteen and still makes a lot of mistakes.” Unsure whether to be embarrassed or not, she said, “Actually, I asked Mrs. Kent and Miriam if I could start doing more in the back of the restaurant. I kind of like it back there. And I’m learning to become a good cook, which is nice.”

“You don’t know how to cook now?”

He looked so surprised, she sank down in her chair.

“Not so much. Well, not so much beyond mac and cheese. What about you?”

“I can cook more than I used to…” His voice drifted off, like he was imagining another time.

Lilly knew he was thinking about his wife and how much he missed her.
Of course
, he missed her. Robert picked up his mug again, but seeing as the coffee was all gone, he placed it back on the table.

Lilly hopped up. “I’m sorry. I didn’t even think to ask you about what you wanted…more coffee? Pie?”

“You,” he blurted. Low but sweet.

And without a bit of doubt in his voice. Mesmerized, she sat back down.

His cheeks colored. “I’m not good at explaining myself, Lilly. Not like you are, or like most of the men you probably know.”

“Actually, you seem to be doing a pretty good job.”

“Can you leave work, Lilly? Even just for a little while?” Alarm coursed through her, along with a hint of happiness. Something was going on with him. “I’ll go clock out and get my things. Maybe we could go for a walk?”

“That would be fine.”

She put her things in her car while he waited. Then Robert fell into step beside her as they took a turn down the sidewalk.

Around them, cars were speeding by on the street and inn customers were standing in the parking lot, talking and laughing. In the distance, a flock of geese squawked as they continued their journey south for the winter.

Lilly stuffed her hands in her pockets as they walked along. When they reached an area where no one was in hearing distance, Robert paused.

“Have you ever loved someone completely?” Robert asked. “Loved with your whole heart? So much so that it wasn’t likely that there’d be room for anything else?”

Lilly thought about her relationship with Alec. For a time, she’d thought she’d loved him. She wouldn’t have slept with him if she hadn’t.

And they’d certainly had a lot of good times together. She’d enjoyed being his girlfriend and having everyone comment about how great they were together. When they’d first started to date, she’d gotten all tingly whenever he’d smiled her way. But those feelings of excitement had faded and in its place different emotions had replaced them.

Doubts and fears and restlessness had replaced infatuation. And the cold reality of rejection quickly dispelled any thoughts of love she’d imagined.

And it all happened in less than a year. “No,” she finally said. “No, I never have loved like that. Is that how you felt with Grace?”

“It was.” As they strolled down the sidewalk together, their footsteps matched. The sun was out just enough for their bodies to cast shadows. Lilly couldn’t help but glance at them. Hers was so much smaller than Robert’s.

Every so often, the light would catch them just right and their shadows would blend together. They’d become one. As they walked, Lilly found herself staring at their shadows. Catching her breath as their fuzzy shadows blended and melded together. Though it was a fanciful thing, she wondered if one day their lives could become like that. Two separate beings combining easily into one.

“My love for Grace was more than I thought it could be. And when she left me, I didn’t know if I could ever recover.”

Reaching out, he touched her hand. For a moment, Lilly thought he would thread his fingers through her own.

But just as quickly, he dropped his hand. “Lilly, I’m afraid I’m not speaking too well. What I’m trying to say is that I’ve been blessed to know what love is. And…what I feel for you is love.”

“Are you sure?”

“I know what love is, Lilly.”

So, there it was. “I might not have been in love before,” admitted Lilly, “but you’ve helped me discover it.”

Beside her, she felt his satisfaction like a tangible thing. What she said pleased him. She was glad of it, but still had no idea what their feelings meant. “So where does that lead us?”

“Marriage one day?”

She swallowed. In her dreams, she’d imagined being someone’s wife. Robert’s wife. But were they too different? What if he was disappointed? “Everything you’ve ever told me about Grace makes me think she was a wonderful woman. I don’t think I can replicate her.”

“I don’t want you to. I loved Grace; she was perfect for me then. But her passing left me changed. Different.” With a sigh, he started walking again. Lilly fell into step beside him. “If another woman who tried to be a copy of Grace appeared in my life, I don’t think she would interest me.”

That, she could understand. “Because you’ve changed.”

“Yes. I’m not the same man who fell in love with her. Before, I yearned for the beauty of love; the simple pleasure of being in someone’s company. Before Grace got sick, I only knew this beauty and happiness. So much in my life had gone the way it was supposed to. I had few struggles.”

“But things are different now?”

“Oh, yes.”

The sidewalk was still crowded, but the side streets far less so. After a moment’s pause, Robert guided Lilly to the right and down toward a secluded cul-de-sac filled with oak trees. Rich, vibrant reds and golds covered all the branches. A few leaves had already made their way to the ground, speckling the black pavement with dots of color.

Right off the quiet street was a gravel path. Robert led Lilly there. Soon, they were surrounded by thick branches on one side and corn stalks on another.

The thick covering muffled the noise from the rest of the world. And as they walked along, Lilly felt like they were the only two people out for miles. And because of that, the conversation seemed more intimate.

Just when she was going to ask where he was taking her, Robert stopped next to a bench. “Lilly, I remember the first time I saw you. I was grief stricken and mighty irritated with my cousin Abe. He had just stopped by my shop and shooed me out the door. I went to your restaurant in a terrible mood. I was going to sit there for exactly ten minutes, and then go back to work.”

Though she’d been in a cloud that day, Lilly found that she, too, remembered that day just like it had been hours before. “I remember you had a horrible scowl,” she said, sitting down on the bench. Robert took a seat beside her, reached for her hands, and she continued. “My mom and Mrs. Graber were whispering about you, too. I thought it was because you were so grumpy. Later I found out it was because they were worried about you.”

“I felt so on display. I had been doing myself a disservice by keeping to myself so much. The longer I refused to step into society again, the more speculation there was about my doing so.”

She knew what a great step that admission was. He was a private person, and distrustful of gossip.

“What you might not recall is what you were wearing.”

“You remember?”

“I could never forget. You had on jeans and a sweater and your hair was curly around your face.” His lips twitched.

“And you were out of patience with my sour disposition.”

“You were so tight-lipped; it seemed like you were getting charged for each word you spoke. But I still waited on you.”

“Yes, you did. And I was glad. Because there was something about you that made me look twice. A sadness that seemed to surround your being.”

“I wasn’t feeling well,” she recalled. “And things weren’t going well at home, either.” Though she’d come to an agreement of sorts with her parents about the baby, there was still enough tension between them all to make being home a less than comfortable experience.

“You were the reason I was able to take breaks from work. Some days, you were the only motivation I had to leave the shop for a few minutes.” Squeezing her hands, he stared hard at them. “When I heard you were pregnant, I’m ashamed to say that I was almost relieved.”

“Why?”

“Because I was sure the baby’s father would come back to you. That you’d be with him and move on.”

“And live happily ever after?” Unable to stop herself, a vision of her and Alec pushing a stroller popped in her mind.

“Maybe.”

“I guess I hoped things would end up happily-ever-after with me, too. But they didn’t. Alec and I were over for good…and, well, then everything happened with the baby.”

Amazing how saying the word
miscarriage
still hurt so much.

Another look, one of empathy, entered his eyes—and their clear, sky blue hue deepened to the color of the sea after a storm.

Lilly realized she’d begun to rely on looking into his face to read his thoughts. Robert Miller was reticent, but his expressions were anything but. And if she looked hard enough, she could practically read his mind.

His eyes flicked away, then centered on their entwined fingers. “I know what it’s like to feel pain. To grieve for a loss. I hope you don’t think I was making light of it.”

“I don’t think that.”

“I guess what I’m struggling to tell you is that as much as you intrigued me, I knew a relationship between us would be a difficult thing. I found myself looking for ways to turn away.”

“I can understand that. I’ve had some of the same thoughts.”

“Whenever I thought about all the ways we wouldn’t be suited to each other, I was relieved. Because then I would become convinced that you were not the person for me. But the opposite happened. Instead of wanting to see less of you, my thoughts were filled with you. I hated thinking of you being alone. Or of you suffering.” Robert was fighting off the inevitable, but he muttered, “The truth is, all the time you were home recuperating, I thought about you night and day. I prayed for you and worried.”

Her mouth went dry. The idea that he’d cared so much about her humbled her. And gave her hope. Tightening her fingers on his, she whispered, “Robert, I had no idea.”

“Of course you didn’t. I wouldn’t have expected you to even think about me. But I’m just telling you all of this so you know that what I’m about to say is not a sudden, impulsive thing. It’s been a feeling that has been brewing inside of me for months.”

He took a fortifying breath. “Lilly, I’ve fallen completely in love with you. You hold my heart.”

Studying his face, she waited to feel stunned.

But she didn’t. Little by little, love had edged its way into her heart, too. Without her even knowing, her heart had healed from its many hurts. From Alec’s rejection. From the loss of the baby. From her parents’ disappointment in her. From the feeling that she was alone in the world.

In place of the emptiness, loss, and grief had come a warmth and a comfort. The confidence that she’d been feeling in herself was in direct response to Robert’s attentions, and the way he made her feel whenever they were together.

Slowly his hand released hers. Without his warm clasp, her own fell to her lap. Though they were only sitting inches apart, she felt the separation clearly. All of a sudden, she felt half the person she was, without his connection.

Just as she was forming a response…just as she was about to let him know that she, too, had fallen in love, Robert spoke again in a rush.

“It’s okay if you don’t feel the same.”

“No! I–”

“See, perhaps it’s better that you don’t share my same feelings…yet. It will give you time to prepare yourself.”

She couldn’t continue to let him fumble. Reaching out, she cupped her palm along his jaw. The short beard in her hands felt soft; the jaw, firm and perfect…and her eyes drifted to the columns of taut tendons at his neck, so strong-looking.

With a start she realized that there was so much about Robert Miller that she already knew and treasured. “I don’t need time to prepare.”

“You might when you hear what else has been on my mind.” Almost sheepishly, he tilted his head into her hand, so her palm slipped up above his jawline. Soon, her palm was cupping his cheek, holding him. Above his rough beard, the smooth, warm skin of his cheek caressed her hand. All at once, she felt vulnerable, yet powerful, too. Without words, he was literally putting himself in the palm of her hand. Trusting her touch.

Then—just as if she’d imagined it—Robert was sitting straight again. Their bodies a respectful distance apart. His gaze shuttered.

The only thing that gave way to what had just happened was his nervous swallow. “Lilly, there’s no other way to say this, but I hope you’ll not be scared.”

Of course, she was scared now. A man didn’t preface anything kind with a statement like that. “Just say it, Robert.”

He took a deep breath. “Fact is, I want to marry you.”

“Marry?”

He nodded but looked so solemn, he could have been on his way to a funeral. Then he reached for her left hand, curved both of his around it. “Lilly Allen, I love you and I want you to be my wife.”

His wife.

Suddenly, she felt like she was free-falling. Free-falling into a pit of nothingness.

Marriage? To Robert?

Suddenly, it all felt too much. Her dreams were coming true. He loved her. He wanted to marry her.

With a jerk, she pulled her hands from his.