Seasons of Sugarcreek 03. Autumn's Promise (11 page)

His family seemed bigger when they were all gathered around the fireplace and sitting still.

When Caleb had mentioned to his parents that he had something very important to speak to them about, his mom turned to him in concern. “How important, Caleb?”

“Real important.” Even though her eyes had widened with worry, Caleb hadn’t tried to allay her fears. After all, what he wanted to discuss with his family was terribly important to him.

Probably the most important thing he ever had to speak of in his entire life.

“I see. Well, if things are that important, I will make sure all of us are here. Tim and Clara, too.”

Even his cousin and his old schoolteacher? Well, perhaps that was the right choice. The more who heard his words, the less discussion there would be when everything was said and done.

“Will seven o’clock work for you?”

“Anytime is fine, Mamm.”

“Seven will be best, then. It will be right after supper.” Brushing her hands against each other, she murmured, “I’ll go send Judith to the store to let Joshua and Gretta know. Carrie can walk over to Tim and Clara’s now.”

Caleb felt uncomfortable that everyone went to so much trouble for him.

But as he looked at everyone assembled—everyone he loved—Caleb knew he had made the right choice. And Lilly had given him the right advice as well. It was better to have secrets out in the open, especially secrets that would affect others.

His heart warmed as he surveyed the room: all six of his siblings were there. Even little Toby, all of three. Next up was Maggie, trying to be a big girl at five. Carrie, at seven. Anson and Judith and Joshua and his wife Gretta.

In two chairs next to the fireplace, Cousin Tim and Clara were sitting together, unabashedly holding hands. Since they’d been married, they only had eyes for each other. The whole family would have taken to teasing Tim except for the fact that they were all so happy for Clara and didn’t want to embarrass her. She was terribly shy. And, love and affection was a new thing for her, too. Even Caleb knew she’d never imagined that she’d marry.

Just before his gaze moved past them, Caleb met Clara’s knowing look. For a moment, he almost lost his nerve. Clara—being his former schoolteacher—had a way of peering right through all his layers, like she saw far more than anyone could have guessed. He would be hard-pressed to ever lie to her.

Sitting beside him, Judith and Joshua were snacking. Somehow, Mamm had made time to bake up a batch of pumpkin bars—his older siblings’ favorite.

“Caleb, are you ready?” his father murmured as he walked by with a steaming hot mug of coffee.

“I am.”

With a look of understanding, Daed took his seat, a rocking chair on the other side of the fireplace. When he settled in, all eyes turned to him. “Perhaps we all ought to say a prayer,” his father murmured.

Immediately, they all bowed their heads.

Caleb was used to silent prayers, as was the Amish way. But this time their father spoke. “Dear Heavenly Father, please be with us as we all help Caleb. Please let him know our love for him, and our belief in his strength and abilities. In Your name we pray. Amen.”

A chill ran up his arms as one by one, each person in the room raised their head and looked at him. Waiting.

It was time. Because he felt like he should, Caleb got to his feet. “I think I need to leave here for a time. As part of my
rumspringa
,” he said bluntly. The moment the words were out of his mouth, Caleb braced himself for a slew of comments. Waited for Joshua to tell him he was acting stupid. For Cousin Tim to shake his head in disappointment.

But instead, everyone just looked like they were waiting for something more for him to say.

Now he felt even more on the spot. “This hasn’t been an easy choice,” he added slowly. “I’ve been restless.” Looking out the window behind his father, Caleb thought about how the hills were beckoning him. Not to go out into the wilderness, but to venture beyond them. To other cities and places. Other places where he could start over with a clean slate.

At least, he thought that was what he wanted. “I need to see more of the world. Other places beyond Sugarcreek. I want to try new things.”

Joshua grunted. “What sort of things?”

“Nothing bad. Just stuff. I want to go to movies. To learn to drive a car. To talk on a cell phone…” His words drifted off as he realized how childish he was sounding.

“But Caleb, you already have been able to do some of that. Why do you need to go far away?”

“I didn’t say I’d go far.”

“If not far, then where would you go?” Carrie asked. Of course Carrie would ask such a thing. She always went straight to the point, no matter what the topic. “I don’t know. Maybe Cleveland.”

Carrie wrinkled her nose. “What’s there?”

Oh, he wished he had all the answers, but he didn’t. “I don’t know.”

“Then why do you want to go?”

To Caleb’s surprise, Joshua put his hand on Carrie’s shoulder. “Enough, Carrie. Learn patience. Caleb is doing his best to explain.”

“I’m trying, but it’s more of a feeling, you see. I feel like it’s something I’ve got to at least try. If that makes any sense.”

His mother looked on the verge of tears, but to his surprise, she didn’t look as shocked as he had thought she would be. “How long do you intend to go for? How long is ‘a time’?”

“I don’t know.”

“You must have some thoughts. Forever? Do you think you’ll leave forever?”

He swallowed hard. He knew what she was asking. Did he intend to leave and never return to Sugarcreek? To their way of life?

Such a question deserved an honest answer. “Maybe.” He cleared his throat. “That is what I’m thinking about. I’m not just looking for new things to do…I’m thinking that maybe I don’t want to join the church.” There. He said it.

The tension in the room thickened as they all watched their father struggle to control his temper.

“Caleb,” he bit out, “don’t play games.”

“I’m not.” Feeling trapped, he began to talk faster. “I know what you all are thinking. And believe you me, I’ve been thinking the same things.”

Judith blinked. “And what is that?”

“Oh, you know…that I shouldn’t want to do anything else. That I should be happy with how things are. That after seeing everything on the outside, I should be happy staying where I’m at.”

“Don’t put words in my mouth, bruder,” Joshua warned.

Caleb admired his older brother. In his eyes, Joshua was everything he should have been. So in some ways, his disappointment was hardest to bear. “I guess you think I’m an idiot.”

Shaking her head, Judith stood up and slipped an arm around his shoulders, giving him support.

He looked at her in surprise. “Oh, bruder,” she murmured with a sad, small smile. “Don’t you know your family any better? None of us is thinking you’re an idiot.”

He was almost afraid to follow her gaze. “No?”

“No. Caleb, you may be shocked to hear this, but I, for one, have suspected for some time that this announcement of yours was coming.”

“You—you did?”

With a sad smile, Judith nodded. “It’s been no secret that you’ve been dissatisfied with how things are. Plus, we know you’ve talked to Mrs. Miller, and she’s helped other kids get away.”

“These feelings have been brewing for a while, haven’t they?” Joshua murmured.

There was no point in denying it.
“Jah.”
“Even I knew you were feeling lost,” Gretta added. “I haven’t meant to be,” Caleb said quickly. “I just have.”

With a winsome look in Joshua’s direction, Gretta murmured, “I know about feeling lost. Sometimes you can feel that way even though you know you have everything you need. But ya can’t help it…right?”

“Right.” Caleb felt at a loss for words. He felt so much love. So much support. All day he’d been mentally preparing himself to face a crowd of condemnation. Instead, his family was reaching out to him.

Maybe not in support, but definitely in concern. “So, how were you planning to leave us? You weren’t planning to sneak away, were ya?”

Well, there was the anger he’d expected to hear. “I don’t want to do that, Mamm. That’s why I asked to speak with you and Daed.” He looked around at everyone with a mild annoyance. “You didn’t have to call a family meeting.”

“I’m glad I’m here,” Anson announced. “I hate being left out.”

Clara chuckled. “I have to agree with you there, Anson. I’m glad we’re all here.”

“When are you planning to leave us?” his father asked.

“Do you have a date in mind?”

Just the thought of something so exact made his hands sweat. “Not exactly.”

“Really?”

“Really. Daed, I don’t want to make trouble, I just want to follow the direction that God is choosing for me. And I’ve felt Him give me the strength to talk to you all. I have been praying about it.”

He rocked back and forth. “I see. Prayer is
gut
, of course.”

Still looking to be the angriest person in the room, his mother cleared her throat. “So, son, you don’t know where you’re going, or when you’re going to do anything…or what you’re going to do?”

“I did mention how I was feeling to Lilly. She is the one who said that maybe I could just go somewhere for a little while. Just to see what I thought about living away.”

“Did she have some place in mind?”

Feeling like he was betraying a confidence, he nodded.

“She said maybe I could stay with some friends of hers back in Strongsville. I’m not sure, though. It was just an idea.”

Caleb braced himself. Finally, here it would come. The reprimands.

“But nothing was decided?”

He shook his head slowly. “No. She said I should talk to you.”

“If this is what you are truly wanting to do, I think you should go talk to Lilly again,” Clara said, surprising them all.

Tim stared at her. “Why would you suggest that?”

“Just because we don’t want something to happen, doesn’t mean it won’t. Plus, it’s been my experience that being denied something only makes it seem more special.”

His mom slowly nodded. “Yes. That is true. Perhaps you should go speak with Lilly again. I think maybe she might have an idea of what it’s like, to start over and such. Perhaps she can give you some ideas to think about.”

Slowly, his father nodded. “Caleb, this week, you will need to go visit with Lilly.”

Caleb looked from his parents to his brother to his sister to everyone else that was assembled. “I never thought you all would be so agreeable.”

His mother stood up. As she did so, her plum-colored dress settled around her hips, in the way it always did. His mother was the heart of the family, and it pained Caleb to see that he was hurting her. “Oh, I’m not feeling too agreeable, son, but I am resigned. All things considered, I’d rather let you live away from us for a bit in the hopes that you’ll come back instead of losing you forever.”

“I love you all,” he said, surprising himself. Never before had he been all that good about sharing his feelings.

In a rush, Judith hugged him. “We know that.” Carrie hopped to her feet. “Are we finally all done? Because I want to show Clara my new picture.”

Maggie reached for Clara’s hand. “I wanna see it, too.”

“Yes,
dochder
. We are done.” His mother sighed. “For now, anyway.”

Slowly everyone dispersed. Maggie and Carrie chatted with Clara. Judith joined their mother in the kitchen. Their father walked Joshua and Gretta outside so they could leave. Tim was looking at Anson’s newest cut on his finger.

Before he knew it, Caleb was alone in the room. To his amazement, the solitude didn’t feel good. Instead, he felt at a loss. Almost empty.

The fire that had burned in him for the last year was settling to a low ebb. It was as if now that everything had come out in the open, and he was going to be able to do what he wanted, that some of the drive had deserted him.

How could that be? Had he only been wanting to cause trouble?

Then Anson peered into the room and broke the spell. “Here you are, I thought you were outside. Come on out to the barn, Caleb. We’re all saying good night to Tim and Clara.”

“I’ll be right there.”

“Better hurry.”

“I will.”

“Good.” Anson turned, walked two steps, then looked his way again. “Caleb, are you leaving because of me?”

“Of course not. Why would you even ask such a thing?”

“’Cause you’ve been mad at me, saying that I don’t do enough chores.”

“You don’t do enough, Anson. You do your best to get out of chores, and Judith and I have to take up the slack. But, that’s not why I want to leave. I just want to see something else. If even for a little while.”

“Doubt anywhere will be as nice as Sugarcreek,” Anson said. “It’s the best place I know.”

And that, Caleb realized with some surprise, was the crux of it all. Sugarcreek, Ohio, was the only place he knew. The only place on earth.

And now that he was sixteen, why, that didn’t seem right.

The last person Lilly expected to see at the Sugarcreek Inn was Josh. Ever since they had spoken harshly to each other at the market, they’d mutually decided to keep their distance. She’d missed him, but had been disappointed in his attitude more than anything.

“Gretta’s not here,” she said when he walked to the hostess station.

“I know.”

“Oh. Well…would you like a table?” At his nod, she led the way through the near-empty dining room, completely aware of his presence behind her: his pace was slow. Plodding.

Finally, when they reached a table near the window, and he sat down, he looked at her directly. “Lilly, I, uh, I came to see you.”

Looking at him more closely, she noticed his shoulders were stiff. Tension emanated from him like steam. “Oh my gosh—is something wrong with Gretta?”

“She’s fine. When I left her, she was knitting a blanket and fussing about her swollen ankles.” He stumbled over the next words like even talking about such things embarrassed him. “I don’t know about that…she’s been uncomfortable.”

“Poor Gretta.”

“We went to the English doctor when she wasn’t feeling too well the other day. The doctor said her blood pressure was a bit high. And that Gretta’s time might be within the week. She’s supposed to stay off her feet and rest.”

Still wondering why Josh was paying her a visit, Lilly ventured another guess. “Hey, can I drive you anywhere? Do you need some help? Is she staying at your parents’?” When he still hesitated, she blurted, “I could bring over some books or ice cream…”

After she stood in front of him for a moment, he said, “Lilly, do you have time to talk? Though I wouldn’t mind something to eat, I actually came here to speak with you about something. Something important.”

And it had to be a concern of great importance for him to leave the store. Worried again, Lilly looked at her watch. “I have a break coming up. I’ll go ask Mrs. Kent if I could take it now.”

Quickly, she went to the kitchen, asked Miriam for a cinnamon roll, then checked in with her boss who was in her office. “Can I take ten minutes now? A friend’s here.”

Looking away from her computer screen, Mrs. Kent smiled. “Is your girlfriend from home visiting again?”

“No. It’s Joshua Graber, Gretta’s husband.”

“Is everything all right?”

“With Gretta, I think so. But there’s something else I think. It’s not like Josh to come in here just to visit.”

“No, I wouldn’t imagine so.” Mrs. Kent stood up. “Go ahead, then. I’ll waitress for a bit, my neck was getting a cramp from working on the computer all morning.”

Moments later, Lilly brought Josh his roll and a cup of coffee for each of them. After taking a seat across from him, she murmured, “What’s up?”

“Two things. One is about Caleb.”

She blinked. “What about him?”

“He called a family meeting the other night.” With a shake of his head, he added, “It was quite an event. The thing of it is, Caleb wants to get out of here, Lilly.”

“Here?”

“I mean, Sugarcreek. Caleb wants to go to the city. He wants to go to Cleveland.”

Lilly was glad he was taking a big bite of his roll because she needed a moment to gather her thoughts. She was pleased that Caleb had taken her advice and talked to his family. But now that everything was out in the open, Lilly found herself torn. She wanted to be helpful to Josh, and wanted to give him support and her friendship, but she didn’t want to completely disregard Caleb’s confidences, either. In a lot of ways, she’d sympathized with Caleb. Sometimes things at home weren’t great. And when a person was fifteen or sixteen, there was nothing to do about that.

Piercing blue eyes met hers. “He said he’s talked to you about this. He has, hasn’t he?”

“Yes.” Though she felt a little like she was tattling, she said, “Caleb’s told me that he wishes he had more choices. That he was envious of Charlie.”

“He told us some things like that when we all got together. I’m worried about him, Lilly. And I know the rest of us are even more so.”

His eyes looked so sad, his expression so defeated, Lilly knew that he was taking the news hard. In many ways, Josh was the go-to person in the Graber family. His parents depended on him. And his younger brothers and sisters looked to him for guidance. “What did your parents say?”

“Not all that much. As a matter of fact, they took it better than the kids. Better than I would’ve ever imagined. Much better than I think Caleb imagined, too. Though my mother looked upset, I don’t think she was terribly surprised.”

Lilly was relieved. Though Caleb had confided in her some, and she’d done her best to just listen, she knew it was unlikely that his parents would have the same responses.

“Actually, my parents said that Caleb should talk to you about Cleveland. They know you have ties there. And that, perhaps, you’ve been through enough to guide him better than, say, me.”

“Josh, I don’t know what you think, but I haven’t been trying to guide him to do anything in particular; I’m just trying to be a friend. I like Caleb a lot, but I would never start pushing him to leave all of you.”

“I believe you. And I don’t think it would make a bit of difference if you had, or had not. He says his mind is made up. He says he wants to leave. But I’m not so sure.”

“What do you want me to do when he comes to talk to me?”

“You need to do what you think best…but my parents and I were hoping that maybe you could help him find a place to stay in the city. We would all rest better then.”

She started to talk, but he held up a hand. “Lilly, I know it’s a lot to ask. And I know Caleb’s problems and our family’s problems are none of your concern. But I, for one, am afraid that he’s going to get hurt if he doesn’t have someone looking out for him.”

He did need a net. “Things outside of this little town are far different. Even English kids would have a difficult time adjusting, I think. For someone who grew up Amish?” She winced. “It’s going to be a real shock for him.”

“Thank you for any help you can provide.” He pushed his half-eaten sweet roll away.

Lilly was just about to escape when Joshua spoke again.

“Now, about you and Robert—”

“Yes?” There was nowhere to run.

His voice was strained. “Lilly, he’s a good man, that Robert Miller is.”

“I’m sure he is. I mean, he seems to be. I think he’s great.”

If anything, her statement seemed to make him even more uncomfortable. “He’s a good man. But…Robert Miller is Amish, Lilly.” Josh picked up an unused spoon and twirled it between his fingers. “His situation is not like mine before I married Gretta. He’s joined the church. He’s taken vows. Those are sacred, serious things.”

“I know that.”

“He’s not going to change,” he warned. “Robert is not going to jump the fence. Not even for you. Not even if he wanted to. His vows are too sacred.”

Each word Josh spoke was punctuated with certainty. Each word was said with such force, she felt chastised. Reprimanded. “I would never ask him to leave his faith.”

Josh’s cheeks flushed. “What I’m trying to say, is that I don’t think your relationship with him can be like our friendship.”

“Oh? How so?”

“I’m afraid he thinks of you differently.” He cracked two knuckles as he struggled on. “You know what I mean. He looks at you in a courting way. But, Lilly, I don’t want to see him get hurt.”

Did Josh not even care how she was feeling? How she was putting her heart on the line, too? “I won’t corrupt him, Josh,” she said, not even trying to hide the hurt in her voice.

“Lilly, I didn’t say—”

“You said enough,” she interrupted. “You sound so…What in the world do you think is happening between us? What do you think we’ve done?”

“You’ve gone for a buggy ride…”

“So? Miriam’s told me what some kids are doing at singings. She’s told me how a whole lot more happens there besides carrying tunes.”

To her amusement, he blushed. “That’s not your concern.”

She was so fired up, she continued. “Besides, we’re not even talking about silly kids. Robert is a grown man!”

“I know. But he’s in a tough spot emotionally.”

“Guess what? I am, too.”

“I didn’t say you weren’t. I’m only trying to help you. And him, too.”

“Josh, I like Robert. And I’m very aware he’s Amish. And guess what? I’m still interested in him. In a serious relationship.” She waited a moment to let that sink in.

“Do you get what I’m saying?”

Mute, he shook his head. “I’m seriously thinking about becoming more deeply involved with him.”

“But he can’t leave the order, Lilly.”

She was so frustrated with him, she blurted words she’d barely even had come to understand herself. “Then maybe I’ll become Amish.”

“You?”

“Yes, me.” He looked so incredulous, she felt her face burn. “Come on, Josh. That wouldn’t be a bad thing.”

But instead of him looking joyous for her, instead of offering her support, Josh shook his head softly. “Lilly, this…what you’re talking about…it would be a huge mistake.”

“Why?”

“Lilly…you truly have a desire to follow the
Ordnung
? The laws of our church are strict and all encompassing.”

“Maybe.”

“That’s not good enough. You have to be sure.”

“I realize that. But I also realize that I don’t have to know today.”

“Lilly. You really would choose to live simply? To give up your car…”

His tone amplified every doubt that was nestled deep inside her. “I…I could try.”

“Trying isn’t good enough.” A hint of wariness filled his eyes as he continued. “And, there’s another reason that I don’t think you’d suit.”

Folding her arms over her chest, she glared. “What else could there possibly be?”

“It’s your past.”

She was taken completely off guard. As long as they’d been friends, Josh had never acted like she wasn’t good enough for him. In fact, he’d done just the opposite. He’d made her think that she was good enough for anyone. Even good enough for God.

“You had a baby,” he mumbled.

“I had a miscarriage.”

“But you had relations outside of marriage.”

“That isn’t news, Josh. I told you and your family all about it months ago.”

“I know. But it’s different now. Robert’s family will find fault with that, for sure.”

“Josh, I can’t believe no Amish girl ever became pregnant outside of marriage. Lots of kids make mistakes.”

“They make mistakes but then they get married. You did not. Please don’t think too much more about Robert. He won’t be able to marry you. Not if he wants to keep his standing in our community.”

“And no one would ever accept me in the Amish community, either?”

Pursing his lips, he shook his head. “I’m not sayin’ you’re not a good woman, Lilly. It’s just that for you to become Amish, why, it would be like trying to put a square peg into a round hole. It isn’t going to work.”

Tears flooded her eyes so quickly, she ducked her head as he stood up. She felt him stand by her side for a moment, like he was waiting for her to look at him.

But she couldn’t.

Finally, he tossed a ten dollar bill on the table and walked outside. Seconds later, the front door chimed again.

“Lilly?” Mrs. Kent called out. “Are you done with your break?”

“I am,” she murmured. Then, with a furious swipe of her eyes, she lifted her head, stood up, and greeted the newcomers. Yes, she was upset with Josh—upset with herself, for getting so caught up with Alec that she had made a mistake…and upset that she was still somehow paying for it now. But that didn’t mean she didn’t have a job to do.

“Welcome to the Sugarcreek Inn,” she said with a watery smile. “A table for four?”