See How She Falls (23 page)

The
demon screamed out as it broke to pieces, shattering to onyx stones and melting
into nothingness. I stared as the skin on my arms began to crack, the light
blinding my eyes. My mortal shell shattered to bits as the demon broke, and so
did I. I was no more.

The
light ended. The sounds returned. Yet still, I stood. No longer me, but
something else entirely.

I
looked out upon the scorched field and fell to my knees. It was supposed to be
over. I was supposed to go with him. I struggled to find air, trying to fight
back the overwhelming fear that threatened to consume me. Had I failed? Was the
demon going to come back? Understanding was beyond my grasp. Nothing made
sense.

“Izzy?”
I heard Aberto’s voice, as if it were a thousand miles away. “Izzy, it is over.
It is done.”

“Then
why am I still here?” I asked, angry at the heavens for being so cruel. How
could I remain?

“You
are no longer what you were.” I could feel his approach, even without seeing
it.

“Then
what am I?”

“I
don’t know, Izzy. But we must leave this place. There are injured that must be
tended to,"  Aberto pleaded.

“No
one can bring him back," I whispered staring out at the scorched field.

“I
know.” Aberto’s voice was calm as if he were trying to tame a wild animal.

“I
can’t leave him here.” I muttered, crawling across the scorched earth towards
his remains. Even torn to pieces, he was still my Kennan. The only person that
had ever, or would ever, matter to me. He was my home, and now that home was
gone forever. I moved slowly on all fours, choking back the sobs that
threatened to pull me under.

“Izzy,
don’t.” My aunt moved toward me, but I struck out with an invisible force,
sending her falling back.

“Let
me see him. I have to see him.” I kept moving, ignoring the pressing silence,
ignoring the fact that I had just Jedi-mind pushed my aunt, ignoring
everything. “I have to see him," I whispered.

But
when I did, it was all I could do to keep the contents of my stomach in place. This
wasn’t like the lab, he would not heal from this. Kennan lay in pieces,
scattered over the battlefield. I cried out, hurrying to try and put his pieces
back together. Maybe if I tried, maybe if I joined the halves back together, I
could fix him. I could bring him back. Surely the heavens weren’t this cruel. I
sobbed, struggling to drag his halves back together, the only sound a deep
keening inside of me. That’s when Aberto came, that’s when the darkness settled
in.

Chapter
Twenty Eight
 

The
volume was turned up, the world came crashing back in, stealing away the
blissful oblivion. Screams and shouts exchanged all around me. I struggled to
open my eyes. I inhaled slowly trying to remember where I was, what had
happened. Then reality came crashing back in on me. Kennan was gone. Forever.

“No.
No. NO!” I shouted as a sob racked my body once more. Any numbness I might have
felt during the battle had worn off. I shouldn’t be alive. He’d stepped in to
save me, when I could have saved him all along. It was my fault that he’d died.
He could have been here with me. We could have had our one more day. We
could’ve had so many more. I’d failed him.

“His
death guided you to your destiny," my aunt’s voice said, only I knew it
was Uriel speaking.

“His
death was a waste. I was the sacrifice. Me! Not him. Never him. Why was he
taken?” Anger bellowed inside of me. I struggled to contain it, afraid that I
may hurt someone if I let loose.

“His
death was necessary. Without his death, you would have remained in your mortal
shell, unable to send the demon back from whence
[N2]
 
it came," Uriel stated as if Kennan’s death was no
more than an item on a checklist to be marked off.

“But
it doesn’t matter, in the end. It will just come back. All of this death, this
life, it is a pointless exercise in futility. You should have let me die.” I
stared at my aunt, seeing Uriel through her eyes. It was pointless, this life,
this never ending cycle of war.

“You
do not yet know? He has not told you?”

“Stop
speaking in riddles. For once, just speak the truth," I shouted.

“You
are no longer a mortal, Izzy.” Uriel’s words sank into me, awakening fears I’d
been repressing. Somehow I knew this was coming.

“Then
what am I?” 

“You
are what you are. I told you that there was a cost for the gifts that had been
given. The cost is that you live to serve.” Uriel seemed to think that I’d
wanted this life, whatever it may be. I hadn’t asked for these supposed
“gifts.”

“To
what end? There is nothing to keep me here. Nothing to even tempt me to do as
you ask. You could’ve found another way. Some way to intercede so that he could
live.” In a world without Kennan, there was nothing that I wanted to defend.
Nothing that would even tempt me to do the bidding of the heavens. Everything
had been taken from me, and now I was going to spend an eternity trapped.

“If
he had lived, you would not have been able to defeat the darkness. If he had
lived, even if you did somehow succeed, you would still have to watch him die.
Life is not an eternal gift, Izzy. Life comes in brief bursts of light that are
ended at a precise moment for a precise reason.”

“What
was the reason for his death? This is a war that has no end. His sacrifice was
pointless. He could’ve lived. He could have thrived!” I spat.

“He
died, so that countless others could live. He knew before the battle that this
would be his fate. He faced it with honor. Do not do him the disservice of
taking that away.” Uriel’s words sank into me, throwing my thoughts back to the
memory of Aberto and Kennan talking.

“He
didn’t know. He thought I would die. He didn’t know.” I shook my head, fighting
back the tears. Nothing made sense. I wondered if it ever would again.

“Izzy,
he did know.” Aberto’s voice pulled my attention away from my aunt.

“What
do you know, Aberto? What aren’t you telling me?” I begged.

“I
saw it, from the day I tattooed your back, I knew what would come.”

I
got up from where I lay, beating against him. Raging against the man that was
supposed to protect me. The man that had sworn he loved me, yet he let Kennan
die. Had he done it for selfish reasons? Had he hoped that this end may turn me
towards him in my mourning?

“How
could you let him die? You swore to protect me. You swore to keep me safe. How
can I ever be safe again if he isn’t here?” I raged against him, refusing to
suppress anything.

“I
had no other course of action.” Aberto grabbed my arms pinning them to his
chest. “Do you not think that this has weighed on me every day? Do you not know
how many times I’ve longed to warn you? The most I was permitted to do was tell
him. He took it honorably, he lived his last days with you knowing that they
would soon end. Izzy, he died so that you may live.”

“But
I’m not alive, not really. Am I?” It was a waste, his death. It had done
nothing to save me. I was broken.

“You
exist between planes.” Aberto’s soft voice broke through anger.

“So
you made me like you.” I slid to my knees, wishing for the oblivion of the
darkness. I wanted to surround myself in it.

“I
had no idea when I breathed my soul into you that this would be the
consequence.” 

“But
you said you saw!” I shouted, growing more hysterical by the moment. “You said
that you saw him die. Which means that you must’ve seen me.”

“I
saw you die as well. Today. But everything changed when you marked the Seers.
You weren’t meant to die then. Not back there. Since then, since I did
everything I could to keep you alive, I have been unable to see your future
clearly.”

“Better
I had died that day than live a thousand more days without him. You should have
let me go.” I curled in on myself, trying to hold what remained of me together.

“And
where would the world be now if I had, Izzy?” 

“Fuck
the world, Aberto. I don’t give a damn about this wretched place. The only
person I could depend on, my home, my anchor is gone. None of this matters to
me anymore.” I pulled myself to stand once more, my anger buoying me. I waved
my hands around me as people began to close in.

“Izzy?”
My aunt hesitated, afraid to come much closer. “Izzy, I don’t know what to
say.”

“Make
it worth it. Make his death worth your lives, because otherwise, I will summon
the damn demon back myself.” As I looked out on the people I’d once cared for a
knot began to form. I needed to get away. I needed to escape all of their
expectant eyes. I couldn’t breathe as their hopes and fears crashed in on me
simultaneously. I had to go. I had to leave.

“Izzy,
calm yourself," Aberto admonished.

I
rose to my feet, every bit of anger fueling me as I struck him across his face.

“Don’t
you dare tell me to calm myself! Kennan just
died
. Not even an hour ago.
So don’t for one moment think that I will be calm. Not now, not tomorrow, not
even the next day. I will never be her again. The sooner you all recognize
that, the better. I’m done with this whole ‘Izzy is the savior of the world’
bullshit. I’m done being the one to lose everything and everyone I love just
for the sake of everyone else. You all wanted to know when I would finally
snap? Well, it just happened. I’m done, Aberto.” I felt myself waiver out of
existence.

I
could escape. I could flee this plane altogether. Aberto had. He’d spent
hundreds of years in the fog, just drifting. Anything would be better than
this; these eyes staring at me. The people that supposedly cared for me, yet
did nothing to keep Kennan alive. If I really wanted to face the truth, Kennan
was dead because I didn’t act quickly enough. I’d let my fear paralyze me, and
because of that, I’d paid the price.

I
looked up at Aberto. He saw it, I knew he did. There was no mistaking my
intent. I just hoped that now that I was whatever I was, I could hide from him
in the dreaming. I didn’t want to be found. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to
be swept away from this wretched place.

“Izzy,
don’t!” Aberto shouted as I slipped between planes straight into the comforting
fog of the dreaming. Sweet oblivion. 

Chapter
Twenty Nine
 

Wading
through the fog, I sought out something, anything that may bring me release.
Some form of comfort to relieve the pain that had opened up in my chest. My
soul ached as though it had been torn right alongside Kennan. Even when my
parents had died, I didn’t feel this gaping chasm inside of me. I ran, panicked,
through the fog, afraid that if I settled for too long in one place the image
of Kennan being torn to pieces would play itself out once more.

I
ran for what seemed an eternity, never finding any refuge. Then I thought of
it, the last place we’d been normal together. Our home. I wanted to go home. I
needed to go home, to see Kennan’s comfy chair and the stupid dead garden that
I could never quite get to grow. The last place we’d been able to just be
together beckoned me, calling me into its bosom.

I
ripped through the dreaming, the same way Aberto had drug me a thousand times.
I pulled myself out with a snap, landing in the middle of my old living room.
The house settled around me, making noises as if to invite me home. I walked
passed Kennan’s old chair, letting my fingers trail across the smooth leather,
and ultimately lowering myself into the chair to bask in his scent. My hands
ran up and down the arms of the chair of their own accord, as if wishing on
some genie lamp. If only that could work. If only I had some hope of ever
seeing him again.

Quickly,
I moved away from his smell. This was meant to be a refuge, yet all it was
turning out to be was an entombment. An empty reminder of a life that was no
more. A mausoleum for a future that could never exist. Shaking my thoughts
away, my feet carried me up the stairs to our room. That’s when I realized, I
never should have come.

As
I turned the corner into our room, I came face to face with the cruelest
reminder of all that the life I’d wanted, the life we’d hoped to share, would
never be. There, hanging on the wardrobe, was my wedding dress. I’d gotten it
just days before we’d been called to the Council. So much had happened, so much
had changed. How had I so readily given up on this life with him? He’d been
right all along. I’d chosen wrong.  I walked to the dress, running my
hands over the soft folds of the white fabric.

White
fabric. It ought to have been red for all the blood on my hands. I ripped the
mockery of happiness that could never be from the hanger, throwing it to the
ground. I wanted to tear the stupid thing apart, stitch by stitch, so that it
resembled me. Shattered, scattered remains of something that could’ve been
beautiful. The reminder of a promised life of love was too much.