Septimity and The Blood Brotherhood: The Third Hilarious Glothic Tale (The Glothic Tales Book 3) (10 page)

‘I ask you sir to swear the oath of the Supreme Potentate and take your place as Huphnic the First, Supreme Potentate of the Twelve Sun Systems of Gloth.’

High Commander Huphnic Grundlestick raised his right hand high, then folded his middle fingers firmly and made a firm Glothic salute before starting his oath.

‘I, Huphnic Grundlestick, pledge to work and die in the service of the Twelve Sun Systems of Gloth and its loyal populations.’

The crowd rose to their feet and cheered. Loudly applauding for some minutes and indicating their pleasure at having a true Glothian again as their Supreme Potentate. The High Councillors joined in and stood to applaud Huphnic the First. All except for September. As he made the effort to stand, his lifetime upon lifetime wish finally fulfilled, he slowly and gracefully fell back into his chair and happily and contentedly drew one last breath, smiled a half smile, then died – a happy man.

September’s final moments were missed by the assembled ambassadors, councillors, ministers and delegates, as they were far too busy being very deliriously happy about everything that was going on. Only one person in the Grand Hall noticed. Sep wiped away a tear that had escaped his eye.

*****

After some minutes, September’s departure was noticed and a doctor was pointlessly called for. Sep walked towards the rostrum, as he believed it was now the appropriate time to make his introductions and ensure September’s dying wishes would be granted.

‘Excuse me sir,’ he said as he addressed Huphnic the First, who was now leaning across the table on the rostrum and pointlessly attending to September.

‘Yes?’

‘September was my father. I’m Septimity Fish-Roe.’

‘Oh I’m so sorry Mr Fish-Roe. Please accept my condolences. I’ll ensure you….,’ Grundlestick said and then noticed the uncanny resemblance. ‘I’m sorry Mr Fish-Roe. I was momentarily struck by….,’

‘Yes. I understand. We do look remarkably similar. Strong family genes.’

‘Undoubtedly. Anyway, I’m sure you wish to be with your father now. I’ll ensure all the arrangements are made.’

‘Thank you sir,’ Sep said.

‘Here is my Q’muniktor contact,’ Grundlestick said as he passed his hologramatic contact details to Sep. ‘And don’t hesitate in contacting me at anytime. Sep passed Grundlestick his own Q’muniktor details.

‘That’s very kind of you sir.’

‘I’ll ensure your father receives a full Glothic state funeral befitting his heroic deeds.’

‘Thank you. I’m sure September would very much appreciate that. Um…..?’

‘Yes?’

‘Would you mind horribly if I borrowed that Cosmic Cruiser up there for a little bit longer than was originally planned?’

‘Eh, I’m sorry?’ Grundlestick said as Sep changed the subject so suddenly. ‘Oh yes, um, sorry. You mean the one with the Erdeans aboard.’

‘Yes. That one.’

‘Is there a problem?’

‘Only a small one really. A little hiccough.’

‘And?’

It was a very nice funeral and Sep was pleased for his father. Lots of pageantry, firing of salvos and a very tasty buffet afterwards. All of the Blood Brotherhood were there, plus a smattering of nouveaux Glothians ready and willing to adapt to the new political landscape to enhance their employment prospects. He was also very happy to have been accommodated at the Palace at the insistence of Huphnic the First for the past two weeks and that Huphnic had ordered full provisions for the Cosmic Cruiser. While lacking in the normal Luxury Class provisions of chilled Fozzoxly and twice-baked Begrogol fillets, the provisions were adequate to happily feed the more than one thousand two hundred Erdeans, plus the crew and Lacertilian Guards aboard.

Huphnic had also kindly ordered three shifts of cabin crew aboard to relieve the Lacertilian Guards who although great guards, were not the best caterers around. With all the necessities covered, Sep now only had to find a new home for the passengers. He had communicated with his brothers about his problem, but none of them could come up with a sensible solution. While Septenarii’s idea of sending them to a miserable life on Terranova Two had some merit, Heptahedra’s idea of cramming them in a single shuttle and sending them crashing into the nearest sun was finally recognised by Sep as just an example of Heptahedra’s black sense of humour.

Giving up on his brothers, Sep thought he should seek wiser counsel. He tapped a message to his fail-safe friend Inna Jjiphii in the hope of finding it.

‘Just a small problem Inna. The Glothic Cosmic Cruiser you so kindly supplied is now successfully loaded with both the Erdeans from Lacertilian plus the Erdean Royals and their ne'er-do-well associates. So mission accomplished – somewhat. It has though been brought to my attention that a little calamity on Erde has resulted in the entire surface of the planet suddenly and forever being rendered unfit for even non-breathing life forms. So I was wondering if you might have a suggestion as to where I might relocate them? Sep.’

Inna lived up to his reputation for reacting very quickly by sending his reply within seconds.

‘NOT Lacertilian!’

‘Rapid, concise and to the point as usual,’ Sep mumbled to himself yet hoped for a second message from Inna with perhaps more detailed ideas. He waited. And waited. Then made a reasonable decision in the circumstances. He needed to find someone else to ask. The occasion presented itself, somewhat surprisingly, over a splendid buffet breakfast the morning after.

‘Boiled, scrambled or poached sir?’ the egg chef asked after Sep had selected the attractively purple tinted Quadkwak eggs as his choice.

‘Is there a preferred way for these eggs?’

‘Definitely poached sir.’

‘Well, I’ll take your advice.’

‘Very good sir. They’ll just take a minute or two.’

‘I’ll wait then shall I?’

‘If you wish sir. Or I can have them served at your table.’

‘Um, I think I’ll wait. And um, just a question.’

‘Yes sir?’

‘What is a Quadkwak?’

‘Oh it’s a very rare bird sir. One of the only kwakking varieties of birds in the entire Twelve Sun Systems. There have been others I believe, but they’re extinct I think.’

‘What a pity.’

‘Yes sir. A shame indeed. But I’ve heard that there are kwakking bird varieties in far flung Sun Systems.’

‘Is that so?’

‘Yes sir.’

‘How do you know all this?

‘Oh, my brother is a specialist in rare birds and egg pressing.’

‘I’ve never heard of egg pressing. What is it?’

‘A bit like flower pressing sir, but a bit messier.’

‘I pity the pages of the book.’

‘Ah, yes sir, very funny.’

‘So how does your brother know about these birds on far flung Sun Systems?’

‘Oh he’s always travelling for his job. He’s the curator at the Royal Gloth Museum of Unnatural History.’

‘Unnatural?’

‘Well, unnatural as in not natural within the Twelve Sun Systems. Oh, here you are,’ the chef said as he handed the plate of poached Quadkwak eggs to Sep.

‘Thank you,’ Sep said and set off for his table as he considered a morning visit to the Royal Gloth Museum of Unnatural History.

Sep finished his breakfast and noticed the egg chef was alone.

‘Excuse me. If you wouldn’t mind. What is your brother’s name? I might visit his museum and would be interested in meeting him.’

‘Oh sure sir. Just ask for Fflemm. Everyone there knows him.’

‘Fflemm?’

‘Yes sir. Our family name is Xyzigucoffoziniscowkli.’

‘Is what?’

‘Exactly sir. Just ask for Fflemm.’

‘Yes. I see your point. Thank you.’

*****

Kwakking birds weren’t of special interest to Sep, but the fact that they were breathing creatures that existed outside the Twelve Sun Systems gave him an idea. So long as Gloth ruled over the Twelve Sun Systems, there was little chance of finding a nice, comfortable and hopefully bluish little planet for his Erdeans within the realms of Gloth’s control. Perhaps he should look further. Even if they were the bane of the Blood Brotherhood and considered akin to vermin, he still held no hard feelings against Erdeans. He recalled that even though he had complained bitterly while with him, he had actually missed Hal after he had left. Well, apart from his habitual sneezing and abject clumsiness.

‘Good morning sir, welcome to the Royal Gloth Museum of Unnatural History. A morning or full day pass?’

‘Actually I was hoping I might be able to speak to Fflemm.’

‘Do you have an appointment sir?’

‘No.’

‘Oh I’m afraid the director is very busy sir.’

‘His brother said I should call by.’

‘Oh, are you family?’

‘No, but we’re close.’

‘I see. Just one moment sir. And your name sir?’

‘Septimity. Septimity Fish-Roe.’

‘Won’t be a moment,’ the receptionist said as she disappeared.

Sep occupied himself while he waited by scanning the mandatory rack of tourist brochures and then the display of special upcoming exhibitions. It seemed that the next big event was going to be ‘Man Eating Marsupials From Mesquitt Major’. Described as an enormous planet with infinitely deep oceans and as infinitely high mountains, it was located in the mythical Sixteenth Sun System. The blurb indicated that actual, real and live marsupials would be on display for the discerning visitors. Sep was so lost in wondering about how high an infinitely high mountain might be that he failed to hear Fflemm’s first attempt at a pleasant hello.

‘Would like free tickets?’

‘Oh, I’m sorry. I was lost in thought.’

‘Marsupials do that.’

‘What?’ Sep said a little taken aback by the man standing in front of him. Childishly young looking but with a mane of long black hair down to his backside. While that would have been enough in most circumstances, it was the fact that he had one normalish blue eye and one bright pink eye that seemed to flash on and off that really threw Sep.

‘Lose people.’

‘Oh I see. As opposed to mammals.’

‘Well, mammals are so normal, aren’t they?’

‘Um, well perhaps. Sun System Sixteen. So it’s real?’

‘I hope so because I’ve just returned from there. Unless I was dreaming of course.’

‘Oh, I’m sorry to have been so rude. I’m Septimity Fish-Roe. You must be Fflemm Xziggi, er Zxyjj, um…...’

‘Yes, I’m Fflemm. Sorry about my family name. It’s an impossibility. Just call me Fflemm.’

‘I’m very pleased to meet you then Fflemm. Everyone calls me Sep.’

‘Well Sep. I gather you’ve met my brother.’

‘Yes. He’s good for business so it seems.’

‘Um, ah of course, I see what you mean. Yes, he does send the odd guest at his hotel our way.’

‘Look, I don’t want to take up your time, but I called by in the hope you might be able to help me.’

‘No problem at…… Um, are you related to September? The old guy who had the big funeral a couple of days ago. I watched it, and well, you look an awful……’

‘I’m his grandson.’

‘Thought there was a resemblance.’

‘A lot of people say that. Not sure why really.’

‘So you’re part of the Blood Brotherhood then?’

‘Um, well, I suppose so.’

‘My dad was a member. Pity he didn’t live long enough to see the day of Ichor.’

‘Oh, I’m sorry.’

‘That’s ok.’

‘If you don’t mind me asking, how did you know he was a member? It was very secretive.’

‘My brother and I used to steal his Q’muniktor to send messages to our friends. He could never remember his password, so gave up using one. Then we could read all his messages.’

‘So the Brotherhood wasn’t such a good secret.’

‘Well, all our friends at school knew about it.’

‘Oh dear. Did I waste all my years on Titania?’

‘Sorry?’

‘Oh nothing. Look, I just popped by on the off chance to see if you may be able to help me with something.’

‘Sure. If I can.’

‘Have you heard of Erde?’

‘Yes of course. That strange little blue planet.’

‘That’s the one. Well, it blew up.’

‘No harm done from what I know. Always trouble from what I understand from my father.’

‘Yes, well no trouble anymore it would seem.’

‘And why are you telling me this?’

‘Well, I have a little problem you see and I was hoping you might be able to help me and point me in the right direction.’

‘If I can.’

‘Well, I’m looking for a new little blue planet.’

‘Like Erde?’

‘Yes. Blue, oceans, gorillas, monkeys, bananas and only one moon if possible. All that stuff.’

‘Sounds like you’re homesick.’

‘Oh no, not me. But I do know a few people who are.’

‘Erdeans?’

‘Yes, some very lost souls.’

‘Very lost it would seem now.’

‘Look, I don’t know anyone who’s travelled outside of our Twelve Sun Systems and I gather you have. So I was just wondering…..’

‘If I were you Sep, I’d look in Sun System Twenty-Four. There’s a rather strange little blue planet there I visited a few years back. Nothing much of interest for me, but it maybe close to what you’re looking for. Blue, lots of oceans and some low intelligence humanoid-cum-ape species wandering about.’

‘So it’s inhabited. I mean, intelligent life so to speak.’

‘Intelligent might be an exaggeration. They were all a bit confused by my arrival and started running around, jumping up and down and getting very upset. Lots of incomprehensible screaming and panicking and yes that’s right, a lot of sirens. No idea what it all meant though, but clearly they weren’t used to having guests. But they seem to be modestly civilised.’

‘Um, what about bananas?’

‘Not sure about bananas Sep. Maybe. But there were lots of birds flapping about when I went there – if it helps – but I was looking for intelligent insects so it was a waste of time for me really. But it’s really a long, long way away from any habited planet. The closest is in Sun System Thirteen. Hardly anyone knows the planet even exists.’

‘A long way away huh? Sounds promising. What about moons?’

‘Just the one. Totally colourless and boring.’

‘So what’s this planet called?’

‘Earth.’