Septimity and The Blood Brotherhood: The Third Hilarious Glothic Tale (The Glothic Tales Book 3) (6 page)

‘No, no, no, noooooo!’

‘But it’s your big day today young sir,’ Kcrikklli Kcaapaak said quietly as he tried to encourage April from his bed.

‘I don’t care. I want my Kiddlepops in here!’

‘Young sir. Your dear mother is waiting for you in the dining room. You wouldn’t want to upset your mother on such an important day.’

‘She told me when I became the Super Pomegranate …’

‘Supreme Potentate young sir.’

‘I don’t care. She told me when I’m the boss I can have anything. And I want my Kiddlepops here in my bed. Now!’

‘Very well young sir,’ Kcaapaak conceded and turned on his heels.

‘And fast!’

Kcaapaak ignored April’s last order and left the bedroom at his usual pace and headed for the dining room.

‘Where’s April?’ January asked as she moved her interest from vigorously scratching her left ear with her index finger to Kcrikklli Kcaapaak.

‘I’m afraid young April is insisting on having his breakfast in bed this morning m’am. He seems to be rather reluctant to start his day with his normal vigour.’

‘Oh but he must come at once Kcrikklli. There’s so much to prepare.’

‘Yes, I understand m’am, but he does seem quite determined to stay in his room today.’

‘Oh damnations Kcrikklli! Do I have to do everything myself?’ January snapped as she jumped to her feet and stormed out of the dining room mumbling and cursing under her breath. Kcrikklli Kcaapaak took this as the perfect cue to leave the room in the opposite direction and head for the sanity of the kitchen.

‘Ready for it Chef?’

‘For what?’

‘The big day for our young fool.’

‘Completely slipped my mind,’ Chef said with a broad grin as he bustled about yelling orders to his staff who were preparing for the evening’s feast to follow April’s investiture.

‘Anything remotely poisonous in all that?’ Kcrikklli asked with a smirk.

‘Not as far as I know Kcrikklli, but one could hope that the poultry may develop a little salmonella over the course of the evening.’

‘I believe there are some who may be praying for something a little more potent.’

‘You’re not in a good mood then it would seem. Would you like me to prepare a bowl of Kiddlepops for you? To cheer you up,’ Chef laughed.

‘I’ll pass on the offer thank you Chef.’

‘Oh come on there Kcrikklli. You’ve seen all this before. What’s the problem?’

‘You don’t have to work day in and day out with these moronic creatures. They are all complete imbeciles. And even if our young April followed his father from the roof to the garden and broke his sweet little neck, there would be more Erdean infested clowns to follow.’

‘Ouch! Don’t let anyone hear you say things like that Kcrikklli. You’ll have an execution order on your plate if you refer to the Gregorians like that.’

‘Oh, quite honestly I don’t give a damn! They can all go to hell. Or preferably back to their own monkey planet and rid Gloth of their scourge.’

‘Kcrikklli! Keep your voice down. You’ll have the Gregorian Guards in here and it’ll be my head as well as yours,’ Chef said angrily.

‘To hell with them all!’ Kcrikklli said with a sneer as he turned immediately and left the kitchen at a pace.

‘Kcrikklli! Kcrikklli!’ Chef yelled, but Kcrikklli ignored him and disappeared through the door to the dining room.

*****

When Kcrikklli arrived at the door to April’s bedroom, he could hear January pleading with her son to get out of bed and start preparing for his big day.

‘But April my darling, you’re going to be so famous today. You don’t want to disappoint your loving mother.’

‘Nnnnnnoooooooooo!’

‘April my love. Listen to your mummy.’

‘Nnnnnnoooooooooo!’ April screamed, and Kcrikklli heard through the closed door the sound of April throwing something heavy as it smashed against the interior wall near the door. With that he gathered himself and was pleased that he had regained his composure after losing it so embarrassingly in the kitchen with Chef. Then he made an unannounced entrance and stood silently next to the open door.

‘Kcrikklli!’ January said in a tone that indicated she had expected him to politely knock first before entering, as was customary. He didn’t reply. He kept his stare on April and moved slowly towards his bed. His feet crunching on the shattered remnants of April’s toy Q’muniktor that was obviously the object April had thrown in anger. Kcrikklli stood over April, who was now eerily silent, then unceremoniously grabbed April bodily and tucked him under his arm and set for the door. April’s kicking and screaming returning instantly, and in full force.

‘Kcrikklli! Put my son down immediately!’ January ordered.

‘Your son has an appointment with the Palace hair stylist m’am. I’ll see he isn’t late.’ Kcrikklli shouted over April’s screaming and marched out the door.

‘Kcrikklli! Kcrikklli!’ January shouted but was ignored. As April’s screaming disappeared out of her earshot, she stood up from the bed, scratched her buttock, picked her nose, then once composed, wondered what she should do next. She scratched her head and noticed dandruff flakes on her shoulders and suddenly decided she needed to have her hair washed.

Kcrikklli continued marching with April firmly under his arm while April continued to kick and scream and his face started turning its familiar blue colour. Up three flights of stairs and finally arriving on the roof of the Palace, Kcaapaak strode over to the stone balustrade and stopped overlooking the Palace garden.

‘You have a choice young April,’ Kcrikklli said calmly as he took hold of April by his ankles and proceeded to hang him upside down. ‘You can do exactly as I tell you for the rest of today, or I will drop you from here onto the Palace garden.’

‘Put me down!’

‘No.’

‘Put me down,’ April screamed again. ‘You can’t do this!’

Kcrikklli didn’t reply, just lifted April bodily over the balustrade.

‘Nnnnnnooooooo! Muuuummmmmy! Nnnnnnoooooooo!’

‘Do I drop you? Or do you promise to behave?’

‘Nnooooooooooo!

Kcrikklli lowered April a little more, loosening his grip just a little on April’s left ankle and giving the hint he could let go at any second.

‘Yes! Yes! Yes!’

‘Yes what, April sir?’

‘I’ll, I’ll behave,’ April said with a tremor of terror in his voice. Finally understanding that Kcrikklli was serious.

‘For the whole day?’

‘Yes. Yes!’

‘One false move today young April and I’ll have you up here in two seconds and over you go. I promise.’

‘Yes Kcrikklli. Yes. I promise. Please don’t drop me. Please.’

‘Very well,’ Kcrikklli said as he pulled April back from over the balustrade and tucked April’s trembling body back under his arm again.

‘But I promised Kcrikklli. Let me go.’

‘In good time young April. Perhaps when we arrive for your first appointment.’

‘Where?’

‘At the hairdresser.’

‘But I don’t ….’ April started to say but decided the better of it as Kcrikklli gave April’s waist a good hard squeeze with his arm that almost winded him.

‘Good. We understand each other then young April.’

‘I want my mummy.’

‘You can have her back tomorrow.’

*****

‘What?’ Kaybob Krizzle, The Puissant of Karhoonaa and President of the Grand Council of Gloth said to himself when he saw the message.
‘GCC 67-213 under attack. Find the idiot. Confirm. S.’

Krizzle grabbed his Q’muniktor and tapped out an urgent message to High Commander Huphnic Grundlestick. Then waited.

Grundlestick received Krizzle’s message moments later, then yelled at the top of his voice.

‘Lieutenant Smuggllii!’

Within seconds Smuggllii appeared at the office door. ‘Yes sir.’

‘Communications room now! I want Wing Commander Dippstikk on screen in twenty seconds.’

‘Twenty seconds sir?’

‘Move! You now have fifteen seconds!’ Grundlestick barked as Smuggllii quickly tried to contact the on-duty Communications Director. Running to catch up with Grundlestick as he spoke into his Q’muniktor. ‘Just do it now!’ he yelled when the Communications Director asked why the hurry. ‘High Commander Huphnic Grundlestick is on his way now and wants Wing Commander Dippstikk on screen when he arrives.

Grundlestick burst into the Communications Room. ‘Why haven’t you got Dippstikk on screen?’ he barked at the now flustered Communications Director.

‘Any moment sir,’ he replied while fiddling with his console.

‘Now! Do you understand?’

‘Yes sir,’ he said again as Lieutenant Smuggllii stood behind Grundlestick with an ‘
I told you so you idiot
’ smile. His smile even broader as Grundlestick threatened a move from communications to refuse collection for the Communications Director.

‘He’s responded sir. He’ll be on screen in a few seconds sir. Just a few more seconds sir,’ he mumbled nervously as he fiddled with his console again. ‘On screen sir. Go ahead.’

‘Dippstikk?’

‘Yes sir,’ a face just coming into focus replied from the wall width screen at the front of the large communications room.

‘If you have trouble reading orders Wing Commander Dippstikk, I can offer you a remedial reading course on a distant asteroid in Sun System Twelve.’

‘I’m sorry, I don’t understand sir.’

‘Dippstikk. What are you doing right now?’

‘Sir, we are investigating a Cosmic Cruiser that is not reported on today’s schedules sir.’

‘And which Cosmic Cruiser is that Dippstikk?’

‘Um, let me see here sir. Ah yes, here it is. Cosmic Cruiser six seven dash two thee one.’

‘Oh well done Dippstikk. Well done. Now, soon to be ex-Wing Commander, maybe you can now read your log of current daily orders pertaining to our Cosmic Cruiser fleet.’

‘Eh, yes sir,’ Dippstikk said somewhat taken aback by Grundlestick’s ex-Wing Commander reference. He shuffled through his order log.

‘Can you read any more slowly Wing Commander?’ Grundlestick pointedly added.

‘Checking now sir.’

‘Speed reading is not your strong point I see.’

‘Yes sir. Eh, yes sir, I’ve located the order sir.’

‘Good man. Now perhaps you can read it out aloud for me.’

‘Um, eh, yes sir. Special clearance for Glothic Cosmic Cruiser 67-213 to proceed to Sun System One and Glothic orbit for urgent maintenance. By order of High Commander Huphnic Grundlestick.’

‘Then tell me young man. Why the hell are you shooting at it?’

‘Eh, I’m sorry sir, I didn’t….’

‘Idiot! I want you in my office tomorrow morning at oh eight hundred sharp!’

‘Yes sir.’

‘And Dippstikk?’

‘Yes sir?’

‘Have you given the stand down order to your fleet of Noorlacs and your Hoog yet?’

‘Not yet sir.’

‘You have one second Dippstikk.’

Grundlestick heard Dippstikk giving the order. ‘Stand down, stand down. Return immediately to mission course for Sun System Seven. Repeat, stand down, stand down.’

‘Well done Wing Commander. Now get on a shuttle and get your arse into my office tomorrow morning!’

‘Yes sir!’

Grundlestick turned without acknowledging Dippstikk and set off for his office with Smuggllii in tow. He grabbed his Q’muniktor from his pocket and sent a message to Kaybob Krizzle. ‘
Fixed.
’

A few minutes later, September received a message from Krizzle. ‘
Clear to proceed
.’

Apart from tipping over a few chairs, kicking the palace hairdresser in the shin and squirting the walls of the salon with shampoo, April was on his best behaviour. Kcrikklli Kcaapaak sat calmly reading the morning’s news while April was shampooed, cut, curled, tinted, trimmed and blow-dried. Clearly his threat had been taken seriously by April, who was now behaving like a thoroughly spoiled brat instead of his usual deranged and irrational brain dead creature type of demeanour. Kcrikklli checked the time. Eight hours until he had to accompany the little monster to the Grand Hall for this afternoon’s investiture.

‘I want Kiddlepops for lunch!’ April shouted over the noise of the hair drier.

‘Certainly young April. I’ll ask Chef to prepare a double serve for you.’ And I hope you choke to death on them Kcrikklli thought to himself as he sent a message to Chef.

‘With warm milk!’

‘Yes April. With warm milk.’

Kcrikklli went back to reading the news and hoped the next appointment with the manicurist would go so well. Unluckily, Kcrikklli was a little too optimistic.

*****

‘It seems to have gone rather quiet.’

‘That’s a remarkable observation Sep,’ September replied as he read the message from Krizzle.

‘Thank you, but I suppose it wasn’t a compliment, was it?’

‘What’s for lunch? I’m quite hungry.’

‘I’m not the cook September.’

‘Well Sep, as I believe there are no Luxury Class cabin crew aboard, I have the feeling that you will be today.’

‘Thanks,’ Sep said with no enthusiasm for the task at all. ‘So what was the message?’

‘It said you are now clear to cook me something to eat.’

‘Oh September, you really are a grumpy old man.’

‘Thank you Sep. I believe it is the right of a dying man.’

‘But you’re not dying.’

‘Maybe not right this minute, but soon I hope.’

‘But that’s morbid. Really macabre.’

‘I don’t want to live for another damn thousand years. My back is already killing me and my knees are shot. But my stomach is in reasonable condition but won’t be for very long if you don’t get a move on.’

‘Alright, alright, I’m going,’ Sep agreed just as their pilot Stikkly Smikkle entered the cabin.

‘Good news gentlemen. We’ve been given the all clear to proceed by Wing Commander Dippstikk. He apologised for any inconvenience or discomfort. Apparently there was a little confusion as one of his crew had misread his orders regarding our Cosmic Cruiser.’

‘Well done young man. Now, can you please show my grandson here how to use the galley so he can prepare something to eat. I’m starving.’

‘Um, yes of course,’ Smikkle said but was rather disappointed at September’s lack of appreciation in his saving the day.

‘Thanks, I’ll come with you,’ Sep said as he rose to his feet then walked to the galley with Smikkle.

‘Is your grandfather always so grumpy?’

‘Oh I’m sorry about him. And no, he’s normally much worse.’

‘Oh lucky you. Ok, let’s see if we can rustle up some food for him. I’m sure that’ll help him be a little less grumpy.’

‘We can only hope,’ Sep said with a smile.

As Smikkle fossicked around he explained the day’s plan to Sep. ‘We’ll be in lower orbit in an hour, so anytime after that we can send you down to Gloth by shuttle. One squad of Lacertilian guards will be aboard your shuttle and the other three will each go down in separate shuttles. You’ll need to get your grandfather to give us the coordinates for landing and orders for the Lacertilian guards.’

‘Right. I’ll check with September, but I think I might go down to give the guards the news of the day myself. September would probably growl at them and get them all upset.’

‘I think I agree with you,’ Smikkle said with a smile. ‘Now, the other information I have is that a Lacertilian passenger craft left Lacertilian two days ago on a heading to rendezvous with us.’

‘Oh yes. Who’s aboard?’

‘Four hundred and twenty-one pure Erdeans and six half breeds.’

‘Oh, I’d forgotten about them.’

‘So you know what this is all about? I must admit I never knew there were Erdeans on Lacertilian.’

‘Long story,’ Sep started. ‘But good news that they’re on their way back home. Best place for them, don’t you agree?’

‘Probably. Anyway, I’ll leave that up to you. You can liaise with my co-pilot about that. Let him know what you want to do and when.’

‘Thank you. I will.’

‘Ah! Here we are. Frozen rib eye of CirdleTirdle.’

‘Never heard of it,’ Sep replied.

‘Oh very tasty and very expensive. CirdleTirdles are a large beast found only on Neptra Minor, a banana shaped moon in Sun System Six. They’re the only eight legged mammal in the universe and very rare. Almost extinct I believe.’

‘So what does it taste like?’

‘Beef.’

‘Hardly sounds worth the effort to go and kill one then.’

‘When you can charge a year’s salary for one small thinly sliced entrecote, it is.’

‘For the rich and famous then?’

‘No. For the super-filthy rich and famous.’

‘Take your point. Money is no object, so why not kill off the most unique beast in the whole known universe.’

‘Always been the same, hasn’t it?’

‘Sadly, yes. I think I’ll just tell September that it’s beef.’

‘Alright then. I’d better get back. You all ok with this?’

‘Yes. Thank you Lieutenant Commander Smikkle.’

‘Oh please. Just call me Stik.’

‘Very well Stik. Everyone calls me Sep. After lunch, I’ll see the guards. Hopefully we’ll all be out of your hair by mid-afternoon.’

*****

‘What is it?’

‘Beef.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘I thought you were hungry.’

‘Alright, alright.’

‘Now we need to get a few things organised,’ Sep said as they began eating their lunch.

‘Such as?’

‘The Lacertilian guards need orders. One squad will be coming with us on our shuttle, but where do you want the other three squads?’

‘Yes. And?’

‘And a Lacertilian passenger craft left Lacertilian two days ago and will rendezvous with us quite soon.’

‘Oh yes. Why?’

‘It’s carrying four hundred and twenty-one Erdeans and six half breeds that have been held on Lacertilian.’

‘Who organised that?’

‘I did.’

‘Why?’

‘To fulfil my duty to Ichor. To return every Erdean gene to Erde and cleanse the Glothic Empire.’

‘Very noble Sep. Very noble.’

‘Thank you September. I knew you would approve.’

‘I don’t. You should’ve waited. If anything goes wrong today, you’ll have four hundred more damn Erdeans on Gloth.’

‘No Sep. I’m going to have them transferred onto here and have Lieutenant Commander Stikkly Smikkle return them to Erde on his way back to his base on Lacertilian.’

‘So you do have a plan then?’

‘Of course Sep. It’s simple. Nothing can go wrong.’

‘Where have I heard that before young Sep?’

*****

‘Good afternoon gentlemen,’ Sep started as he addressed the Lacertilian guards and then began rambling on about Ichor, the return of a Glothian to rule over the Twelve Sun Systems of Gloth and how nice it was of the Lacertilians to be on his side of the fence and how Lacertilian pilots should be returned to the service of the Supreme Potentate. Failing to notice, which was one of Sep’s special qualities, he rambled on as half of the Lacertilian guards either went glassy eyed, or fell asleep due to abject boredom. ‘I must also express my gratitude to the people of Lacertilian for generously taking care of the many stray Erdeans that have indecently, accidently or coincidently wandered around the universe and gotten themselves horribly lost. Wing Commander, retired, Inna Jjiphii has been of great assistance and although he isn’t here to thank in person, I do wish to make it known that I am forever indebted to him for his cooperation,’ Sep said but then lost his concentration as the rumblings of snoring from a few of the Lacertilian guards stated to punctuate his speech. He took this as a sign that he should probably move on to other, more interesting matters.

‘Very well,’ he said in an attempt at sounding authoritative. ‘The day of Ichor has arrived and with your bravery we will succeed in bringing an end to the rule of the Gregorian Royal Family. Your fortitude today will ensure that not only will Gloth be ruled once again by a pure Glothian, but also that Lacertilian’s will once again take their rightful place as the official Royal Pilots to The Supreme Potentate of Gloth.’

‘Uhum. Could I ask what we have to do today?’ the commander of number one squad asked as politely as he could. Trying to move things along a bit before his troops lapsed into unconsciousness induced by chronic boredom.

‘Ah yes, certainly Squad Commander. The squad that will be traveling with September and myself will accompany us into the Grand Hall at the time of the investiture of the idiot April. You will take positions around the perimeter of the inside of the Grand Hall. A second squad will assist us in this and at the same time, the other two squads will take their positions in a similar fashion, but on the exterior of the Grand Hall. Thus creating a double layer of defence against intrusion, or extrusion. Once positioned, September, or perhaps myself will give the order to proceed with the mission’s objectives. This is, as I am sure you have been previously briefed…..’

‘We round up all the Gregorians and bundle them aboard the shuttles and lock ‘em up here on the Cosmic Cruiser,’ the squad commander interrupted, attempting to get things moving as he couldn’t help but feel they could be here all day and miss all the action if Sep didn’t stop blabbering on.

‘Eh, yes Commander. That pretty much cuts to the quick of the matter.’

‘Very well sir. All understood. I think we had better get ready to board the shuttles and get this mission underway.’

‘Eh, yes. Oh dear. Is that the time?’ Sep said as he checked his watch. ‘Yes, we had better get a move on then I think and I ……’

‘On your feet!’ the squad commander ordered in a typically loud and gruff military voice that made Sep jump. ‘To your assigned shuttles. On the double!’

‘Eh, thank you,’ Sep said sheepishly then thought it best he be off to get September aboard the shuttle.

‘You were gone a long time,’ September said when Sep returned to the Luxury Class cabin.

‘I wanted to make sure they all knew what they had to do.’

‘So it took an hour to tell them to round up all the Gregorians and bring them back here?’

‘I wanted to be thorough.’

‘Yes, alright, alright. So is it time?’

‘Yes September. In fact we’re running a little late so we’d better get to our shuttle pronto.’

‘Sep?’

‘Yes?’

‘I do not and cannot do pronto at my age.’

*****

Kaybob Krizzle, The Puissant of Karhoonaa and President of the Grand Council entered the Grand Hall with his fellow councillors trailing behind, then made their way in procession to the elevated rostrum at the front of the hall. While the assembled ambassadors, councillors, ministers and delegates rose from their seats in respect, only a small proportion of the Gregorian Royal Family had the decency or the intelligence to do so. In fact a large proportion of the royal family were too involved in scratching themselves, or screaming, to notice the High Councillors’ arrival.

As Krizzle walked slowly down the red-carpeted central aisle of the hall towards the rostrum, he politely nodded to those he knew, but was cheered the most by a simple yet affirmative nod from High Commander Huphnic Grundlestick that indicated all was under control.

‘Oh at last, not long now,’ Krizzle thought to himself. If he had been at all psychic he would have been extra pleased to have heard Grundlestick have exactly the same thought.

After their slow entrance the High Councillors arrived at the rostrum and sat down. A few moments later Kaybob Krizzle rose and tapped his microphone, as is the habit of those who have to get proceedings underway.

‘My dear ambassadors, councillors, ministers, delegates and members of the Gregorian Royal Family, please be seated.

With that, the sound of five thousand people making themselves comfortable for a long afternoon of intense boredom echoed throughout the Grand Hall. After allowing a few minutes for a little silence, only punctuated by some insane screams and pathetic yelps, Krizzle continued.

‘It is my duty as President of the Grand Council to welcome you all to the investiture of April Gregorian as The Supreme Potentate of the Twelve Sun Systems of Gloth,’ which was met with some rather impolite sniggering. ‘Ambassadors, councillors, ministers, delegates and members of the Gregorian Royal Family, it is my solemn duty as President of the Grand Council of the Twelve Sun Systems of Gloth to seek your approval to invest the new Supreme Potentate of the Twelve Sun Systems of Gloth in accordance with the succession laws of our great empire. Would you please vote by our customary showing or hiding of hands.’