Septimity and The Blood Brotherhood: The Third Hilarious Glothic Tale (The Glothic Tales Book 3) (4 page)

‘Umm, it’s over there on the ……’

‘Right. Off you go then. Don’t dilly-dally.’

Sep thought about saying something but had the sudden notion that there was nothing he wanted to say. A lot to ask yes, but it seemed as if September was not really in the mood for questions. He turned on his heels and slowly wandered off to the kitchen. Turning his head once to notice September deep in concentration, tapping out something on Sep’s Q’muniktor. He then focused his attention on cooking. As he only had frozen Krurdle burgers – a Krurdle being an over-sized turquoise subterranean slug that survived by eating its own tail, which luckily grew faster than it could eat it, and the singular source of protein on Titania – he wondered if September would be satisfied after he heated them up and covered them with plenty of FeeSees sauce. As he re-heated the meal, he wondered what he should call September. Granddad didn’t sound right. Nor did Grandpa or Pops. He decided he might try September and just see how things went.

As Sep prepared dinner he could hear September tapping away on his Q’muniktor, punctuated with grunts, grumbles and general noises of dissatisfaction. ‘Everything going to plan then?’ Sep asked with an attempt at levity as he brought dinner to the table.

‘With you and your dimwit brothers, how could that be possible?’

‘Oh!’ Was all Sep could think of saying in reply, which gained an annoyed grunt from September as he sat down at the table and looked at the food.

‘What in the name of the Twelve Suns is this?’

‘Um, sort of like a hamburger.’

‘It smells like something from a sewer.’

‘I quite like hamburgers,’ Sep said hoping to convince September of his prowess in the kitchen.

‘It’s rat!’

‘No, it’s not rat.’

‘Well, what is it? It smells like something that lived in the bottom of a stagnant, overwatered pot of Katzpiz bush.’

‘They’re Krurdle burgers with FeeSees Sauce. Quite a treat here on Titania in fact,’ Sep said with a confident smile hoping September had never heard of Krurdles and would thus be impressed.

‘Never heard of it,’ September said as he took a mouthful.

‘Hmm? Tastes better than it smells,’ he said with a nod of approval.

‘I’ve managed to find a Glothic Cosmic Cruiser,’ Sep proudly announced and hoped a rapid change of subject would help in them getting to know each better.

‘Good,’ September mumbled between mouthfuls. ‘All I have to do is get your layabout brothers off their backsides as well. There isn’t much time. Now,’ September started after a few more mouthfuls. ‘Who’s flying this Cosmic Cruiser?’

‘Well, I’m not sure. I just got a message from Inna Ji……..’

‘I want to know who’s commanding the ship and how many crew. I only want Lacertilians.’

‘Right.’

‘Well?’

‘What?’

‘Are you going to sit there all night? Find out who the commander will be.’

‘But I haven’t finished my dinner yet.’

‘Now!’ September shouted and Sep jumped to his feet to get his Q’muniktor then returned to the table and tapped out his message to Inna Jjiphii, between mouthfuls.

‘Happy now?’ Sep asked as he finished sending his message.

‘No,’ September said and looked at Sep with fire in his green eyes. ‘Not until every single Erdean monkey gene has been cleansed from the surface of Gloth and I see with my own eyes, a pure Glothian returned as the Supreme Potentate.’

‘Is that all?’

‘Don’t be facetious.’

‘Sorry. I’m not used to having company, so it’s a bit strange for me to have someone to talk to other than myself. Eh, well, perhaps I am taking to myself.’

‘What are you babbling about Septimity?’

‘Um, well you are me, aren’t you? Or is it me who is you?’

‘No, you are you and I am me. Simple.’

‘But I’m looking at me sitting across from me at my table.’

‘Oh, get over it. You’re not me and I’m not you. We’re completely different.’

‘But we do look exactly the same you’d have to agree.’

‘All right, there’s a resemblance. I’ll give you that.’

‘But I can tell the difference now.’

‘How?’

‘You’re the grumpy one.’

‘You really make me think that I should have used something other than fish roe and fingernail clippings in the starter mixture.’

‘What?’

‘Oh forget it Septimity. We’ve got work to do.’

‘And your beard is longer.’

‘Have you quite finished?’

‘Well, I’m still hungry in fact. Would you like some more?’

‘Not the food! I meant you and your silly comments.’

‘Oh, um, was I being silly? I’m sorry.’

‘It was quite good in fact. Do you have any more?’

‘What?’

‘Food Septimity. I’m still hungry.’

‘Well, no. They were the last of my Krurdle burgers, but I’ve got plenty of Worstlimostli.’

‘Why do I bother?’

‘You’re trying to confuse me, aren’t you?’

‘I don’t think I need to try. You’re doing a good job of it all by yourself.’

‘Well, I….’ Sep started to say and thought better of it. Saying anything only seemed to be making September cranky so he tried silence to see if that worked any better. It didn’t.

‘The art of making intelligent conversation is not one of your strengths I gather.’

‘Did you have any friends on Terranova Two?’

‘Yes, one or two.’

‘Well, you had the chance to practice then. I’ve only had one visitor in…. well… ever. And all he did mostly was sneeze.’

‘Oh do stop complaining Septimity. You’ll have plenty of people to talk to when we get back to Gloth.’

‘Get back? I’ve never been to Gloth, or anywhere come to think of it. So how can I go back to somewhere I’ve never been?’

September grunted and shook his head. ‘What on Gloth have I created?’

‘I don’t think my eyes are as green as yours. Mine are more a browny-green I think.’

‘Have you quite finished with all this nonsense Septimity?’

‘I’ll wash the dishes then, shall I?’

‘The very best idea you’ve had all evening Septimity.’

‘Can we bring this meeting to order please gentlemen,’ Kaybob Krizzle, The Puissant of Karhoonaa and President of the Grand Council began.

‘Thank you Mr President,’ High Councillor Sckwatt began. ‘I would like to table a motion of postponement of the investiture of the Supreme Potentate and the immediate appointment of a Potentate-General. It is with a heavy heart that I must table this motion, however I and many other councillors believe that the time has come to act for the good of Gloth and the Twelve Sun Systems and return leadership and good governance to our loyal populations. We cannot sit by and again watch as yet another fool is entrusted with the leadership of our great empire. I call upon you, my fellow councillors to support this motion.’

‘Thank you councillor,’ Krizzle said in response to Sckwatt’s motion. ‘Could I ask you gentlemen, to limit yourselves to four minutes each to express your mind on this matter. Once we have heard from you all, I will call for a formal vote on the motion.’

Krizzle sat quietly as each councillor rose and addressed the meeting and as he had expected, it was going to be a line-ball vote. Many councillors expressing the belief that the Supreme Potentate was purely ceremonial, so it hardly mattered anymore. While others held the belief that the appointment of a Potentate-General would return some respect to the office of Potentate for an interim period until a sane Supreme Potentate could be appointed. As the last councillor rose and expressed support for the motion, Krizzle’s arithmetic calculated that the coming vote would pass the motion by one solitary voice. He checked his notes for his address to the meeting and hoped he had the argument to gain the one vote he needed to defeat the motion. He paused as he readied to make his address, but feared his argument was not strong enough to persuade a single councillor to change his vote.

‘Fellow councillors. With the passing of time comes wisdom and the understanding that …..,’ Krizzle started but was interrupted by a loud gasp followed by an even louder thud.

‘Quick, call a doctor!’ Councillor Phlipplid yelled as he darted from his chair to assist Councillor Plimylite, who had just tumbled from his chair to the floor and lay unconscious. Krizzle also moved towards Plimylite, accompanied by the sincere hope that old man Plimylite had chosen a very convenient time to drop dead. He had another sudden hope as Plimylite’s son, who also sat on the Grand Council jumped in panic towards his father. He might accompany his father to hospital and that would take two votes away as they both supported the motion.

Within minutes the palace doctor arrived and came to a very quick conclusion that indeed, old man Plimylite had up and died. His son Proodly was distraught and sobbing uncontrollably as he accompanied his father’s body from the Grand Council meeting room, while the other councillors stood silent.

Only after all the medical and undertaking staff had left the room did Krizzle speak. ‘Gentlemen. I believe we should finish our meeting, as I am sure Grand Councillor Plimylite would have wished that we continue to work diligently for the good of Gloth,’ he said but really wanted to get this damn vote over and done with while he had a chance of defeating it and before anyone changed their mind or had time to arrange proxies for the two Plimylites. ‘But if we could just observe one minute of silence in memory of our dear friend and colleague before we begin.’

In asking for a respectful minute of silence, Krizzle had very politely silenced any dissenters and was now sure the vote would proceed.

It did.

*****

‘No! No! No!’ April screamed as January tried to pacify him while the palace tailor tried to make the necessary adjustments to his investiture robes. ‘I don’t like blue! I want red! I want red! I want red!’ he continued to screech.

‘But blue is a beautiful colour April. Blue like my eyes,’ January said sweetly while the tailor, Sone Swifftli, grit his teeth and tried his best to hide the lump on April’s shoulder.

‘Red, red, red, red!’

‘Now April. You’re going to be a big emperor like your daddy and emperors always wear blue because it means….’

‘Red, red, red, red!’ April screamed at the top of his voice as he kicked Sone in the shin, who immediately tumbled to the floor in agony. As April started to peel off his robe in anger, his screaming became even louder when his finger got pricked by a row of pins holding the sleeve temporarily to the area around his shoulder lump.

‘He wants to kill me!’ he wailed as a tiny drop of blood formed on his finger. ‘You murderer!’ he yelled at the prone tailor before starting to sob uncontrollably.

January took him in her arms and comforted her distraught child, while Sone Swifftli decided that it was time to bid a hasty retreat.

‘There, there my darling boy. What a nasty tailor he was. I’ll get you a nice new tailor, I promise,’ Sone heard January pathetically reassuring April as he left the fitting room and headed directly for the staff quarters for a stiff drink.

When he arrived back the five other palace tailors were already enjoying an after work drink.

‘What a monster,’ he grumbled.

‘So what colour was it today then Sone? Green?’ Hemd Ynn, one of his colleagues asked.

‘Red.’

‘Still got yellow to go then! And his mother was a big help I suppose.’

‘She’s just pathetic. I don’t know why I bother with this job.’

‘Oh don’t worry. It’s my turn tomorrow with the creep. And anyway, at the rate they’re dropping, they all be dead in a few years,’ Hemd laughed.

‘Or one could wish they all take a dive off the palace roof.’

‘C’mon. Have a drink Sone old boy and cheer up. It could be worse. You could have Kcrikklli Kcaapaak’s job.’

‘I suppose you’re right. How in the name of the seven suns does he do it? Twenty-four seven with those imbecilic creatures.’

‘Extreme willpower Sone,’ came the reply from Kcrikklli Kcaapaak as he walked through the door of the staff quarters. ‘I just keep thinking about my retirement and grit my teeth,’ was met with agreeable nods.

‘A drink Kcrikklli?’ Hemd asked.

‘Yes indeed. That helps too. Make mine a very large one.’

‘Do you have to go to the investiture?’ Sone asked Kcrikklli as Hemd handed him a drink.

‘Unfortunately, yes. I would prefer to have a dental appointment and have all my teeth removed,’ met with laughter from all the tailors.

‘This April kid is really the worst I’ve seen though. Totally deranged,’ Sone said as the laughter subsided.

‘I have to agree Sone. But what do you expect? His father was undoubtedly insane and his mother is hardly any better. I’m afraid the whole Gregorian family just makes a nonsense of what once was a proud dynasty. If they weren’t the Gregorian Royal Family, they’d all be locked up and the key thrown away.’

‘I’ll drink to that hope, and to wishful thinking.’ Hemd replied and the others nodded in agreement.

*****

‘Get down off the Dodecahedron this instant!’ Kaybob Krizzle ordered as April decided that the rehearsal for his investiture was just too boring.

‘How dare you speak to my son like that?’ January snapped.

‘Yeah! How dare you?’ April echoed.

‘My dear lady, the Dodecahedron is a sacred object as its twelve identical pentagonal faces represent the twelve facets of wisdom of the Gregorian Royal Family. It is not a child’s playground.’

‘I don’t care about your stupid pyramid! You will apologise to April this instant!’ January almost screamed.

‘I certainly will not! You will order your son down from the Dodecahedron immediately my lady.’

‘No mummy! No!’

‘I will not!’ January snarled as the other Grand Councillors looked on in absolute dismay.

‘Well my dear lady, if you cannot control your child, I will take matters into my own hands,’ Krizzle said calmly as he grabbed April bodily from the Dodecahedron and tucked him under his arm, at which point April started screaming and thrashing his arms and legs.

‘Put my son down this instant!’ January screeched but Krizzle ignored her and walked away, then beckoned Kcrikklli Kcaapaak with his free hand.

‘Please take this child to his room Kcrikklli,’ Krizzle said just loud enough for Kcrikklli to hear above April’s wailing.

‘You will pay for this!’ January barked.

‘And the mother?’ Kcrikklli asked Krizzle quietly as both men ignored January’s protests and threats.

‘When you have a moment,’ Krizzle replied with a wry smile as he passed the still wailing and flailing child to Kcrikklli.

‘She’ll probably just follow me Mr President,’ he said as he turned to leave the Grand Council Assembly with April under his wing.

‘Do something!’ January screamed at the Grand Councillors who were standing silently, watching the proceedings. As Krizzle returned to the other councillors it was Councillor Sckwatt who broke the silence.

‘Madam, please leave.’

‘How dare you? How dare you?’ January screamed, then appeared to calm herself in an instant as her face changed from fury to tranquillity. She then started to speak in an altogether rational and considered voice. ‘When my son becomes the Supreme Potentate of the Twelve Sun Systems of Gloth, his first decree will be to have you all executed. Mark my words. You all have only days to live,’ she warned as she stared into the faces of the Grand Councillors.

The councillors stared back at January until Sckwatt again broke the silence.

‘Well madam, fortunately for us, your son would seem incapable of even spelling his own name let alone signing an execution order.’

January appeared frozen as she stood facing the Grand Councillors. Then with all the fury she could bodily muster, she leapt instantly at Sckwatt and aimed for his eyes with her fingernails. ‘You will die!’ she screeched as she lunged for him.

‘Guard! Guard!’ Krizzle shouted and three Gregorian Guards came running instantly from the entrance doors of the Grand Hall. ‘Take her away please,’ he ordered as the guards arrived in seconds, and had to restrain January bodily from attacking Sckwatt for a second time. She spat into Sckwatt’s face and when he wiped it, he found traces of blood on his palm from the scratches she had inflicted to his face.

‘Just take her away,’ Sckwatt told the guards and they turned and left with January still screaming threats and abuse all the way out of the Grand Hall.

‘Do you wish to change your vote?’ Sckwatt asked Krizzle.

‘Nothing we can do now Councillor Sckwatt. The investiture will take place as the Grand Council voted and agreed it should.’

‘With the help of the timely death of a Grand Councillor.’

‘The vote must stand Councillor,’ Krizzle said calmly knowing how fortunate he had been. Now with the knowledge that a Glothic Cosmic Cruiser had been commandeered by the Blood Brotherhood, which he had to try and protect from Glothic High Command for a few days. No matter what happened he had to ensure every member of the Gregorian Royal Family was in attendance in the Grand Hall for April’s investiture and that the commander of the Glothic Cosmic Cruiser could enter Gloth orbit unhindered by Glothic High Command. The first part of his assignment was proceeding. Now it was time to work on his second task.

*****

‘Stikkly Smikkle.’

‘What are you talking about?’ September snapped as Sep interrupted his concentrating on reading an important message from Septenarii concerning amendments to the Glothic Constitution that would need to be agreed and voted on by a full meeting of the Grand Assembly to return the Supreme Potentate to an elected position.

‘Lieutenant Commander Stikkly Smikkle. He’s the commander of the Cosmic Cruiser parked in Sun System Three. He’s waiting for orders to proceed to Yooranus.’

‘Wait,’ September said as he finished reading. ‘Alright. Find out how long he needs to get from there to Yooranus. I’ll see how Heptahedra is going with getting Glothic High Command to turn a blind eye.’

With that, Sep tapped out his message to Inna Jjiphii. As was his usual habit, Inna replied within minutes.

‘Three days,’ which Sep told September, happy to have been so efficient.

‘And you’re smiling at that news?’

‘Eh, yes. Inna is very fast, isn’t he.’

‘Well my dear Septimity, I hope Lieutenant Commander Stikkly Smikkle is just as fast.’

‘Why?’

‘Do you know what the date is today?’

‘Of course I do. It’s the twenty-ninth of Mar….. ooops.’

‘Well calculated Septimity.’

‘It won’t get here in time. What are we going to do? This is all my fault and it’ll be the end of Ichor and….’

‘Oh shut up Septimity. You’re really starting to sound like an old woman.’

‘Sorry,’ Sep said sheepishly.

‘Give Wing Commander Inna Jjiphii the order for the Cosmic Cruiser to depart immediately from Sun System Three.’

‘But what about Glothic High Command? If they spot their missing ship all……’

‘Just do it Septimity and leave that to me.’

*****

The problem with secret brotherhoods is that they are so very secret, no one knows who’s who in their own secret club. Or even who is or was, or maybe will be. September’s Blood Brotherhood was typical in this respect. Although there were sworn members of the Blood Brotherhood on Gloth, not one of them knew if there was another. In fact there were others, but none of these others knew of any other others at all. While some of them thought there might be others, they were never sure. Of course a necessity in keeping a secret society secret, but hardly a great management structure when it came time to actually do something other than keep your secret, secret.