Seriously... I'm Kidding (21 page)
Read Seriously... I'm Kidding Online
Authors: Ellen DeGeneres
I don’t know how we can be serious and kidding at the same time, but I do seriously hope you’re enjoying
Seriously… I’m Kidding
. Pass it around, recommend it to friends, maybe buy a copy for your mother-in-law in case she’s too cheap to buy one herself. No, I’m just kidding. Please don’t tell her I said that. It was just a joke. Seriously… I’m kidding.
Last Chapter
W
ell, we’ve come to the end of our journey. This sure was a wild ride, wasn’t it? I’ve had a wonderful time talking to you and I think we can both walk away from this experience having learned a little something about each other. I certainly learned a lot about you through the book’s built-in camera that I never told you about.
So in conclusion and in summary and summation and to wrap things up in a way that will bring things to a close before we say good-bye in a conclusiatory fashion, let me leave you with these parting words: Be happy. Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system. Do things that make you feel good and proud. It can be almost anything. Name something. Yes, sure, try that.
Contribute to the world. Help people. Help one person. Help someone cross the street today. Help someone with directions unless you have a terrible sense of direction. Help someone who’s trying to help you. Just help. Make an impact. Show someone you care. Say yes instead of no. Say something nice. Smile. Make eye contact. Hug. Kiss. Get naked.
Laugh. Laugh as much as you can. Laugh until you cry. Cry until you laugh. Keep doing it even if people are passing you on the street saying, “I can’t tell if that person is laughing or crying but either way they seem crazy, let’s walk faster.” Emote. It’s okay. It shows you are thinking and feeling.
Find out who you are and figure out what you believe in. Even if it’s different from what your neighbors believe in and different from what your parents believe in. Stay true to yourself. Have your own opinion. Don’t worry about what people say about you or think about you. Let the naysayers nay. They will eventually grow tired of naying.
I don’t mean to tell you what to do or how to live your lives, but those are some of the things that have worked for me. And I believe with all my heart and soul that even if we try the teeniest tiniest bit we can make this world a much happier and healthier one. And if we try even harder, we can do some pretty spectacular things. I know sometimes it seems like a world that has a blanket with sleeves can’t get any better, but I think it can.
Thank you for purchasing, downloading, borrowing, reading, and/or listening to this book and for joining me on this adventure. I don’t mind that you dripped coffee all over the pages or got sand in the crease or almost left me behind on a train by accident. I’m just happy we got to spend some time together and I look forward to a beautiful future.
Oh, and you have something in your tooth. Other one. There you go. You got it.
Fin.
E
LLEN
D
E
G
ENERES
is a beloved stand-up comedian, television host, bestselling author, actress, and midwife. She currently hosts
The Ellen DeGeneres Show
and has hosted both the Academy Awards and the Primetime Emmy Awards. She would host you for dinner if she got to know you better.
Contents
Thunderclap: A Short Short Story
Random Things That Might Help You But Probably Won’t
American Idol, Or “If You Don’t Have Anything Nice to Say, Don’t Say Anything at All”
Answers to Frequently Asked Questions
Babies, Animals, and Baby Animals
Aspirations: A Short Short Story
For the Adults Who Don’t Understand the For the Teenagers Chapter and Really Want To
Deep Thinkers and Not So Deep Thinkers
Chapter for the Audiobook Listeners
5 Extremely Easy Ways to Make a Lot of Money
My Point… And I Do Have One
The Funny Thing Is…
*
Unconfirmed at time of printing.
**
Unable to pinpoint exact race placement and/or involvement in race at time of printing.
***
In my neighbor’s yard. Don’t say anything.
****
At time of printing, I was told this could never happen under any circumstances. But you know what I say, and this is an important life lesson, Readers—never say never.
†
†
I mentioned “never say never” to the British man I spoke with on the phone. He said in this case one could in fact say “never” because this can never happen, as I am not a “British” “citizen.” So, unconfirmed at time of printing.
Copyright © 2011 by Crazy Monkey, Inc.
Illustrations copyright © 2011 by Ross MacDonald
All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
Grand Central Publishing
Hachette Book Group
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New York, NY 10017
Visit our website at
www.HachetteBookGroup.com
www.twitter.com/grandcentralpub
.
First eBook Edition: October 2011
Grand Central Publishing is a division of Hachette Book Group, Inc.
The Grand Central Publishing name and logo is a trademark of Hachette Book Group, Inc.
The publisher is not responsible for websites (or their content) that are not owned by the publisher.
ISBN: 978-0-446-58503-3
Table of Contents
Thunderclap: A Short Short Story
Random Things That Might Help You But Probably Won’t
American Idol, Or “If You Don’t Have Anything Nice to Say, Don’t Say Anything at All”