Service with a Smile (22 page)

‘When
did this happen?’

‘Oh,
recently.’

‘Odd
that Lady Constance didn’t mention it in her cable.’

‘Probably
wanted to keep the expense down. You know what they charge you per word for
cables, and a penny saved is a penny earned. Do you call her Lady Constance?’

‘Of
course. Why not?’

‘Rather
formal. You’ve known her a long time.’

‘Yes,
we’ve been friends for quite a while, very close friends as a matter of fact.
She’s a wonderful woman. But there’s a sort of cool aristocratic dignity about
her … a kind of aloofness … I don’t know how to put it,’ but she gives you
the feeling that you’ll never get to first base with her.’

‘And
you want to get to first base with her?’ said Lord Ickenham, eyeing him
narrowly. Mr Schoonmaker had just finished his second pint, and something told
him that this was the moment for which he had been waiting. It was after his
second pint that George Cyril Wellbeloved had poured out his confidences to
Constable Claude Murphy, among them his personal technique for poaching
pheasants.

For an
instant it seemed that Mr Schoonmaker would be reticent, but the Ovens
home-brewed was too strong for him. A pinkness spread itself over his face. The
ears, in particular, were glowing brightly.

‘Yes, I
do,’ he said, glaring a little as if about to ask Lord Ickenham if he wanted to
make something of it. ‘Why shouldn’t I?’

‘My
dear fellow, I’m not criticizing. I’m all sympathy and understanding. Any red-blooded
man would be glad to get to first base with Connie.’

Mr Schoonmaker
started.

‘Do you
call her Connie?’

‘Of
course.’

‘How do
you manage it?’

‘Just
comes naturally.’

‘I wish
it did to me.’ Mr Schoonmaker looked into his tankard, saw that it was empty
and heaved a long sigh. ‘Yes, sir, I wish I had your nerve. Freddie, if I could
get that woman to marry me, I’d be the happiest man on earth.’

With
the exception, Lord Ickenham thought, as he laid a gentle hand on his friend’s
arm, of her brother Clarence.

‘Now
you’re talking, Jimmy. Relay that information to her. Women like to hear these
things.’

‘But I
told you. I haven’t the nerve.’

‘Nonsense.
A child of six could do it, provided he hadn’t got the dumb staggers.’

Mr Schoonmaker
sighed again. G. Ovens’ home-brewed tends as a rule to induce joviality —
sometimes, as in the case of George Cyril Wellbeloved, injudicious joviality —
but it was plain that today it had failed of its mission.

‘That’s
just what I have got. When I try to propose to her, the words won’t come. It’s
happened a dozen times. The sight of that calm aristocratic profile wipes them
from my lips.’

‘Try
not looking at her sideways.’

‘I’m
not in her class. That’s the trouble. I’m aiming too high.’

‘A Schoonmaker
is a fitting mate for the highest in the land.’

‘Who
says so?’

‘I say
so.’

‘Well,
I don’t. I know what would happen. She’d be very nice about it, but she would
freeze me.’

Lord
Ickenham, who had removed his hand from the arm, replaced it.

“Now
there I’m sure you’re wrong, Jimmy. I happen to be certain that she loves you.
Connie has few secrets from me.’

Mr Schoonmaker
stared.

‘You
aren’t telling me she told you she did?’

‘Not in
so many words, of course. You could hardly expect that, even to an old friend
like myself. But that way she has of drawing her breath in sharply and looking
starry-eyed whenever your name is mentioned is enough to show me how things
stand. The impression I received was of a woman wailing for her demon lover.
Well, perhaps not actually wailing, but making quite a production number of
it. I tell you I’ve seen her clench her hands till the knuckles stood out white
under the strain, just because your name happened to come up in the course of
conversation. I’m convinced that if you were to try the Ickenham system, you
couldn’t fail.’

‘The
Ickenham system?’

‘I call
it that. It’s a little thing I knocked together in my bachelor days. It
consists of grabbing the girl, waggling her about a bit, showering kisses on
her upturned face and making some such remark as “My mate! “. Clench the teeth
of course, while saying that. It adds conviction.’

Mr Schoonmaker’s
stare widened.

‘You
expect me to do that to
Lady Constance?’

‘I see
no objection.’

‘I do.’

‘Such
as—?’

‘I
couldn’t even get started.’

‘Where’s
your manly courage?’

‘I don’t
have any, not where she’s concerned.’

‘Come,
come. She’s only a woman.’

‘No,
she isn’t. She’s Lady Constance Keeble, sister of the Earl of Emsworth, with a
pedigree stretching back to the Rood, and I can’t forget it.’

Lord
Ickenham mused. He recognized the fact that an obstacle had arisen, but a few
moments thought told him that it was not an impasse.

‘What
you need, Jimmy, is a pint or two of May Queen.’

‘Eh?’

‘It is
a beverage which I always recommend to timorous wooers when they find a difficulty
in bringing themselves to try the Ickenham system. Its full name is “Tomorrow’ll
be of all the year the maddest, merriest day, for I’m to be Queen of the May,
mother, I’m to be Queen of the May”, but the title is generally shortened for
purposes of convenience in ordinary conversation. Its foundation is any good
dry champagne, to which is added liqueur brandy, kummel and green chartreuse,
and I can assure you it acts like magic. Under its influence little men with
receding chins and pince-nez have dominated the proudest beauties and compelled
them to sign on the dotted line. I’ll tell Beach to see that you get plenty of
it before and during dinner tonight. Then you take Connie out on the terrace
under the moon and go into the Ickenham routine, and I shall be vastly
surprised if we don’t shortly see an interesting announcement in
The Times.’

‘H’m.’
Mr Schoonmaker weighed the suggestion, but it was plain that he was none too
enthusiastic about it. ‘Grab her?’

‘That’s
it.’

‘Waggle
her about?’

‘That’s
the idea.’

‘And
say “My mate! “?’

‘Unless
there is some other turn of phrase which you prefer,’ said Lord Ickenham,
always ready to stretch a point. ‘You needn’t stick too closely to the script
if you feel like gagging, but on no account tamper with the business. That is
of the essence.’

3

On the morning following
his old friend’s arrival, Lord Ickenham had settled himself in his hammock when
a husky voice spoke his name and he found Mr Schoonmaker at his side. Sitting
up and directing a keen glance at him, he did not like what he saw. James Schoonmaker
was looking pale and careworn, and there was in his bearing no suggestion
whatsoever that he was the happiest man on earth. He looked, indeed, far more
like that schooner Hesperus of which Lord Ickenham in his boyhood had recited
so successfully, on the occasion when it swept like a sheeted ghost to the reef
of Norman’s Woe. Give, him a skipper and a little daughter whom he had taken to
bear him company, thought Lord Ickenham, and he could have made straight for
the reef of Norman’s Woe, and no questions asked.

But he
was too well-bred to put this sentiment into words. Instead, he affected an
eager animation which he was far from feeling.

‘Jimmy!
I was hoping you would come along. Have you good news to report? Everything
pretty smooth? I start saving up for the wedding present?’

Mr Schoonmaker
shook his head and simultaneously uttered a sharp cry of anguish. As Lord
Ickenham had suspected, he was in no shape to shake heads. To the dullest eye
it would have been plain that this hand across the sea was in the grip of a
hangover of majestic proportions.

‘That
May Queen is kind of powerful stuff,’ said Mr Schoonmaker, endorsing this
view.

‘It
sometimes brings regrets with the dawning of a new day,’ Lord Ickenham agreed. ‘It’s
the chartreuse mostly, I think. Still, if it has produced results …’

‘But it
hasn’t.’

‘Come,
come, Jimmy. With my own eyes I saw you lead Connie out on to the terrace, and
the moon was shining like billy-o.’

‘Yes,
and what happened? What always happens, and what’s always going to happen. I
lost my nerve.’

Lord
Ickenham sighed. This was a set-back, and though he knew that these
disappointments are sent to us to make us more spiritual, he could never bring
himself to like them.

‘You,
didn’t ask her to marry you?’

‘I didn’t
come within a mile of it.’

‘What
did
you talk about? The weather?’

‘We
talked about Mike and this boy she’s engaged to.’ I asked her why she hadn’t
mentioned him in her cable.’

‘What
did she say to that?’

‘She
said she wanted to wait till I could see him for myself. Seems strange.’

‘Nothing
strange about it. She could hardly tell you that she sent the cable because she
couldn’t endure being away from you for another minute. Modesty forbade.’

For a
moment Mr Schoonmaker brightened.

‘You
really think that was it?’

‘Of
course it was. She loves you with every fibre of her being. She’s crazy about
you. So cheer up, Jimmy, and have another pop when you’re feeling better. My
experience is that a May Queen hangover soon wears off after one has had a
little sleep. Try this hammock.’

‘Don’t
you want it?’

‘Your
need is greater than mine.’

‘Well,
thanks,’ said Mr Schoonmaker. The momentary brightness seemed to ooze out of
him as he climbed into the hammock, leaving him the pessimist he had been. He
heaved a sigh. ‘Of course, you’re all wrong, Freddie. There’s no hope for me. I
know when I’m licked.’

‘Scarcely
the spirit of ‘76.’

‘She
would never consider me for a moment. We don’t play in the same league. Oh
well,’ said Mr Schoonmaker, heaving another sigh, ‘there’s always one’s work.’

A
sudden gleam came into Lord Ickenham’s eye. It was as if a thought had occurred
to him.

‘What
are you working on now, Jimmy? Something big, of course?’

‘Fairly
big. Do you know Florida?’

‘Not
very well. My time in America was spent out west and in New York.’

‘Then
you probably don’t know Jupiter Island.’

‘I’ve
heard of it. Sort of a winter home from home for millionaires, isn’t it?’

‘That
kind of idea. Club, golf links, tennis, bathing. You rent a cottage for the season.’

‘And
pay pretty high for it, no doubt?’

‘Yes,
it comes high. This thing I’m promoting is the same sort of set-up farther down
the coast. The venus Island Development Corporation, it’s called. There’ll be a
fortune in it.’

‘You
aren’t looking for capital, I suppose?’

‘No
difficulty there. Why?’

‘I was
only thinking, Jimmy, that as your daughter is marrying his nephew, it would
be a graceful act to let the Duke in on the ground floor. He’s rolling in
money, but he can always do with a bit more. There’s something about the stuff
that fascinates him.’

Mr Schoonmaker
was on the verge of sleep, but he was sufficiently awake to reply that he would
be glad to do the Duke this good turn. He thanked Lord Ickenham for the suggestion
and Lord Ickenham said he always made a point of doing his day’s kind deed.’
His mother, he said, had been frightened by a Boy Scout.

‘I expect
to pass through this world but once, Jimmy. Any good thing, therefore, that I
can do, let me do it now, as the fellow said. How’s the hammock?’

Mr Schoonmaker
snored gently, and Lord Ickenham went off to have a word with the Duke.

Chapter
Eleven

1

The Duke of Dunstable was
sitting on the terrace, and not only on the terrace but on top of the world
with a rainbow round his shoulder. Counting his blessings one by one, he was of
the opinion that he had never had it so good. He had not yet approached Lord Emsworth
in the matter of the Empress, but he knew that when he did he would be in the
pleasant position of dealing in a seller’s market. And he had the comforting
thought that, whatever the figure arrived at, it would be all clear profit,
with none of the distasteful necessity of paying agent’s commission. The
recollection of how nearly he had come to parting with that five hundred pounds
to Lavender Briggs still made him shudder.