Service with a Smile (24 page)

A
thought struck him.’

‘Why
should Archibald beg crusts of bread?’

‘Wouldn’t
you, if suffering from the pangs of hunger?’

‘He has
a salaried position.’

‘No
longer.”

‘Eh?’

‘They
handed him his hat.”

‘His
hat? How do you mean, his hat?’

‘Putting
it another way, his services were dispensed with last week.’

‘What!’

‘So he
told me.’

‘He
never said anything about it to me.”

‘Probably
didn’t want to cause you anxiety. He’s a very considerate young man.’

‘He’s a
poop and a waster!’

‘I like
his hair, though, don’t you? Well, that’s how matters stand, and I’m afraid it’s
going to cost you a lot of money. I don’t see how you’re going to do it under
two or three thousand a year. For years and years and years. Great drain on
your resources. What a pity it isn’t possible for you just to tell Archie to
break the engagement.’ That would solve everything. But of course you can’t do
it.’

‘Why
can’t I? It’s an excellent idea. I’ll go and find him now, and if he raises the
slightest objection, I’ll kick his spine up through his hat.’

‘No,
wait. You still haven’t got that toehold on the situation which I should like
to see. You’re forgetting the breach of promise case.

‘What
breach of promise case?’

Lord
Ickenham’s manner was that of a patient governess explaining a problem in
elementary arithmetic to a child who through no fault of its own had been
dropped on the head when a baby.

‘Isn’t
it obvious? If Archie were to break the engagement, the girl’s first move would
be to start an action for breach of promise. Even if the idea didn’t occur to
her independently, a man like Schoonmaker would see that she did it, and the
jury would give her heavy damages without leaving the box. Archie tells me he
has written her any number of letters.’

‘How
can he have written her letters when they’re staying in the same dashed house?’

‘Notes
would perhaps be a better term. Fervid notes slipped into her hand by daylight
or pushed under her door at night. You know what lovers are.”

‘Sounds
potty.”

‘But is
frequently done, I believe, when the heart is young.’

‘He may
not have mentioned marriage.’

‘I
wouldn’t build too much on that. I know he asked me once how to spell “honeymoon”,
which shows the trend his thoughts were taking. You can’t speak of honeymoons
in a letter to a girl without laying up trouble for yourself.’ When you
consider what a mere reference to chops and tomato sauce did to Mr Pickwick —’

‘Who’s
Mr Pickwick?’

‘Let it
pass. I’m only saying that when those notes are read out in court, you’ll be
for it.’

‘Why,
me? If Archibald is fool enough to get involved in a breach of promise case,
blast his idiotic eyes. I don’t have to pay his damages.”

‘It won’t
look well in the gossip columns, if you don’t. He’s your nephew.’

The
Duke uttered a bitter curse on all nephews, and Lord Ickenham agreed that they
could be trying, though his own nephew Pongo, he said, held the view that all
the trouble in the world was caused by uncles.

‘I can
see only one ray of hope.’

‘What’s
that?’ asked the Duke, who was unable to detect even one. His prominent eyes
gleamed a little. He was saying to himself that this feller Ickenham might be
potty, but apparently he had lucid intervals.

‘It may
be possible to buy the girl off. We have this in our favour, that she isn’t in
love with Archie.’

‘Who
could be in love with a poop like that?’

‘Hers
is rather a sad case. You know Meriwether?’

‘The
feller with the face?’

‘A very
accurate description. He has a heart of gold, too, but you don’t see that.”

‘What
about him?’

‘He is
the man she wants to marry.’

‘Meriwether
is?’

‘Yes.”

‘Then
why did she get engaged to Archibald?’

‘My
dear Dunstable! A girl whose father is on the verge of bankruptcy has to look
out for herself. She isn’t in a position to let her heart rule her head.’ When
she has the opportunity of becoming linked by marriage to a man like you, you
can’t expect her not to grab it.’

‘That’s
true.’

‘She
would much prefer not to make a marriage of convenience, but she sees no hope
of happiness with the man she loves. What stands in the way of her union to
Meriwether is money.’

‘Hasn’t
he got any? You told me he came from Brazil. Fellers make money in Brazil.’

‘He
didn’t.’ A wasting sickness struck the Brazil nuts, and he lost all his
capital.’

‘Silly
ass.’

‘Your
sympathy does you credit. Yes, his lack of money is the trouble. And the reason
I think Myra Schoonmaker would jump at any adequate offer is that he has just
got the chance of buying into a lucrative onion soup business.’

The
Duke started as if stung. The last three words always stirred him to his
depths.

‘My
nephew Alaric runs an onion soup business.’

‘No,
really?’

‘That’s
what he does. Writes poetry and sells onion soup. It embarrasses me at the
club. Fellers come up to me and ask, “What’s that nephew of yours doing now? “,
thinking I’m going to say he’s in the diplomatic service or something, and I
have to tell them he’s selling onion soup. Don’t know which way to look.’

‘I can
understand your emotion. The stuff is very nourishing, I believe, but, as far
as I know, no statue has ever been erected to a man who sold onion soup. Still,
there’s lots of money in it, and this chap I’m speaking of is doing so well
that he wants to expand. He has offered Meriwether a third share in his
business for a thousand pounds. So if you were to offer the girl that …’

‘A
thousand pounds?’

‘That’s
what Meriwether told me.’

‘It’s a
great deal of money.’

‘That’s
why the chap wants it.’

The
Duke pondered. His was a slow mind, and it was only gradually that he ever
grasped a thing. But he had begun to see what this Ickenham feller was driving
at.

‘You
think that if I give the girl a thousand pounds, she’ll pass it on to this
gargoyle chap, and then she’ll hand Archibald his hat and marry the gargoyle?’

‘Exactly.
You put it in a nutshell.”

A
sudden healing thought came to the Duke. It was that if he bought the dashed
girl off for a thousand and got three thousand from Emsworth for that appalling
pig, he would still be comfortably ahead of the game. If it had been within his
power to give people grateful looks, he would have given Lord Ickenham one, for
it appeared to him that he had found the way.

‘I’ll
go and write the cheque now,’ he said.’

2

It seemed to Lord
Ickenham, drowsing in his hammock after the Duke’s departure, that an angel
voice was speaking his name, and he speculated for a moment on the possibility
of his having been snatched up to heaven in a fiery chariot without noticing
it. Then reason told him that an angel, punctilious as all angels are, would
scarcely on so brief an acquaintance be addressing him as Uncle Fred, and he
sat up, brushing the mists of sleep from his eyes, to see Myra Schoonmaker
standing beside him. She was looking as attractive as always, but her clothes struck
him as unsuitable for a morning in the country.

‘Hullo,
young Myra,’ he said. ‘Why all dressed up?’

‘I’m
going to London. I came to ask if there was any little present I could bring
you back.’

‘Nothing
that I can think of except tobacco. What’s taking you to London?’

‘Father
has given me a big cheque and wants me to go and buy things.’

‘A
kindly thought.’ You don’t seem very elated.’

‘Not
much to be elated about these days. Everything’s such a mess.’

‘Things
will clear up.’

‘Says
you!’

‘I
would call the outlook rather promising.’

‘Well,
I don’t know where you get that idea, but I wish you would sell it to Bill. He
needs a bracer.’

‘Morale
low?’

‘Very
low. He’s all jumpy. You know how you feel when you’re waiting for something to
explode.’

‘Apprehensive?’

‘That’s
the word.’ He can’t understand why Lady Constance has said nothing to him.’

‘Was he
expecting a chat with her?’

‘Well,
wouldn’t you in his place? He told Lord Emsworth who he was, and Lord Emsworth
must have told her.’

‘Not
necessarily. Perhaps he forgot.’

‘Could
he forget a thing like that?’

‘There
is no limit to what Emsworth can forget, especially when he’s distracted about
his pig.”

‘What’s
wrong with the pig? She looked all right to me when I saw her last.’

‘What’s
wrong is that the Duke has taken her from him.”

‘How?’

‘It’s a
long story. I’ll tell you about it some other time.’ What train are you
catching?’

‘The
ten-thirty-five. I wanted Bill to sneak down to the station and come with me. I
thought we might get married.’

‘Very
sensible. Wouldn’t he?’

‘No. He
had scruples. He said it would be a low trick to play on Archie.’

Lord
Ickenham sighed.

‘Those
scruples! They do keep popping up, don’t they? Tell him to relax. Archie’s
dearest wish is to marry a girl named Millicent Rigby. He’s engaged to her.’

‘But he’s
engaged to me.’

‘He’s
engaged to both of you. very awkward situation for the poor boy.’

‘Then
why doesn’t he just break it off?’

‘He
wants to get a thousand pounds out of the Duke to buy into an onion soupery,
and he felt that if he jilted the daughter of a millionaire, his chances would
be slim. His only course seemed to him to be to sit tight and hope for the
best. And you can’t break the engagement because Jimmy would take you back to
America. Until this morning the situation was an extraordinarily delicate one.”

‘What
happened this morning?’

‘The
Duke somehow or other got the curious idea that your father was on the verge of
bankruptcy, and he saw himself faced with the prospect of having to support not
only you and Archie but the whole Schoonmaker family. His distaste for this was
so great that he left me just now to go and write a cheque for a thousand
pounds, payable to you.’ He hopes to buy you off.’

‘Buy me
off?’

‘So
that you won’t sue Archie for breach of promise. When you see him, accept the
cheque in full settlement, endorse it to Archie, and pay it into his bank. You’ll
just have time, if the train isn’t late. Be sure to do it today. The Duke has a
nasty habit of stopping cheques. Then, if you explain the situation to him, it
is possible that Bill might see his way to joining you on that 10.35 train, and
you and he could look in at the registry office tomorrow, being very careful
this time to choose the same one. It would wind everything up very neatly.’

There
was a silence. Myra drew a deep breath.

‘Uncle
Fred, did you work this?’

Lord
Ickenham seemed surprised.

‘Work
it?’

‘Did
you tell the Duke Father was broke?’

Lord
Ickenham considered.

‘Well,
now you mention it,’ he said, ‘it is just possible that some careless word of
mine may have given him that impression. Yes, now that I think back, I believe
I did say something along those lines. It seemed to me to come under the head
of spreading sweetness and light. I thought I would be making everybody happy,
except perhaps the Duke.’

‘Oh,
Uncle Fred!’

‘Quite
all right, my dear.’

‘I’m
going to kiss you.’

‘Nothing
to stop you, as far as I can see.’ Tell me,’ said Lord Ickenham, when this had
been done, ‘do you think you can now overcome those scruples of Bill’s?’

‘I’ll
overcome them.’

‘Just
as well, perhaps, that he’ll be leaving Blandings Castle. Never outstay your
welcome, I always say. Then all that remains is to write a civil note to Lady
Constance, thanking her for her hospitality, placing the facts before her and
hoping that this finds her in the pink, as it leaves you at present. Give it to
Beach. He’ll see that she gets it. Why the light laugh?’

‘It was
more a giggle. I was thinking I’d like to see her face, when she reads it.’

‘Morbid,
but understandable. I’m afraid she may not be too pleased. There is always apt
to be that trouble when you start spreading sweetness and light. You find there
isn’t enough to go around and someone has to be left out of the distribution. very
difficult to get a full hand.’