Service with a Smile (23 page)

And in
addition to this, showing that when Providence starts showering its boons on a
good man, the sky is the limit, his nephew Archibald, until now a sad burden on
his purse, was engaged to be married to the only daughter of a millionaire. How
the young poop had done it, he was at a loss to understand, but there it was,
and so deep was his contentment that when Lord Ickenham dropped into a chair
beside him, he did not even puff at his moustache. He disliked Lord Ickenham,
considering him a potty sort of feller whose spiritual home was a padded cell
in some not’ too choosy lunatic asylum, but this morning he was the friend of
all the world.

Lord
Ickenham was looking grave.

‘Hope I’m
not interrupting you, Dunstable, if you were doing the crossword puzzle.’

‘Not at
all,’ said the Duke amiably. ‘I was only thinkin’ a bit.’

‘I’m
afraid I’ve come to give you more food for thought,’ said Lord Ickenham, ‘and
not very agreeable thought, either. It’s very saddening, don’t you feel, how
people change for the worse as the years go on?’

‘Who
does? I don’t.’

‘No,
not you. You always maintain a safe suds level. I was thinking of poor Schoonmaker.’

‘What’s
poor about him?’

There
was a look of pain on Lord Ickenham’s face. He was silent for a moment, musing,
or so it seemed, on life’s tragedies.

‘Everything,’
he said. ‘When I knew James Schoonmaker fifteen years ago in New York, he was a
man with a glittering future, and for a time, I understand, he did do extremely
well.’ But that’s all in the past. He’s gone right under.’

‘Under
what?’ said the Duke, who was never very quick at the uptake.

‘He’s a
pauper. Down to his last thirty cents. Please don’t mention this to anyone, but
he’s just been borrowing money from me. It was a great shock.’

The
Duke sat up. This time he did not neglect to puff at his moustache. It floated
up like a waterfall going the wrong way.

‘But he’s
a millionaire!’

Lord
Ickenham smiled sadly.

‘That’s
what he’d like you to believe. But I have friends in New York who keep me
posted from time to time about the fellows I used to know there, and they have
told me his whole story. He’s down to his last dollar, and his bankruptcy may
be expected at any moment. You know how it is with these American financiers.
They over-extend themselves. They bite off more than they can chew, and then
comes the inevitable smash. A flyer means a lot to Schoonmaker at this moment.’
A tenner was what he wanted just now, and I gave it to him, poor devil. I hadn’t
the heart to refuse. This is strictly between you and me, of course, and I
wouldn’t like it to be spread about, but I thought I ought to warn you about
him.’

The
Duke’s eyes were protruding like a snail’s. His moustache was in a constant
state of activity. Not even little George had ever seen it giving so sedulously
of its best.

‘Warn
me? If the feller thinks he’s going to get tuppence out of
me,
he’ll be
disappointed.’

‘He’s
hoping for more than tuppence. I’m afraid he’s planning to try to talk you
into putting up money for some wildcat scheme he’s got. As far as I could make
out, it’s some sort of land and building operation down in Florida. The Venus
Island Development Corporation he calls it. The very name sounds fishy, don’t
you think? Venus Island, I mean to say! There probably isn’t such a place. What’s
worrying me is that you may feel tempted to invest, because he’ll make the
thing sound so good. He’s very plausible. But don’t dream of doing it.’ Be on
your guard.’

‘I’ll
be on my guard,’ said the Duke, breathing heavily.

Lord
Ickenham waited a moment in case the other might wish to thank his benefactor,
but as he merely continued to breathe heavily, he made his way back to the
hammock.’ He found Mr Schoonmaker sitting up and looking brighter. He was glad
to hear that his nap had done him good.

‘Headache
gone?’

Mr Schoonmaker
considered this.

‘Well,
not gone,’ he said.’ He was a man who liked exactness of speech. ‘But it’s a
lot better.’

‘Then
what I wish you would do, Jimmy, is go and see the Duke and tell him all about
that Venus Island thing of yours. I’ve just been talking to him, and oddly
enough, he was saying he wished he could find some business opportunity which
would give him the chance of having a little flutter. He’s a great gambler at
heart.’

Mr Schoonmaker
disapproved of his choice of words. A man with a hangover of the dimensions of
the one from which he was suffering finds it difficult to bridle, but he did
his best.

‘Gambler?
What do you mean, gambler? The Venus Island Development Corporation’s as sound
as Fort Knox.’

‘I’m
sure it is,’ said Lord Ickenham soothingly. ‘Impress that on him. Give him a
big sales talk.’

‘Why?’ said
Mr Schoonmaker, still ruffled, ‘I don’t want his money.”

‘Of
course you don’t. You’ll be doing him a great favour by allowing him to buy in.
But for goodness’ sake don’t let him see that. You know how proud these dukes
are. They hate to feel under an obligation to anyone. Seem eager, Jimmy.’

‘Oh,
all right,’ said Mr Schoonmaker grudgingly. ‘Though it’s funny having to
wheedle someone into accepting shares in something that’ll quadruple his money
in under a year.”

‘We’ll
have a good laugh about it later,’ Lord Ickenham assured him.’

‘You’ll
find him on the terrace,’ he said. ‘I told him you might be looking in.’

He
nestled into the vacated hammock, and was in the process of explaining to his
guardian angel, who had once more become critical, that there is no harm in
deviating from the truth a little, if it is done in a good cause, and that the
interview which Mr Schoonmaker was about to have with the Duke of Dunstable,
though possibly wounding to his feelings, would make him forget his headache,
when he became aware of Archie Gilpin at his side.

Archie
was looking as beautiful as ever, but anxious.

‘I say,’
he said. ‘I saw you talking to Uncle Alaric.’

‘Yes,
we had a chat.’

‘What
sort of mood is he in?’

‘He
seemed to me a little agitated.’ He was annoyed because an attempt was being
made to get money out of him.’

‘Oh, my
God!’

‘Or,
rather, he was expecting such an attempt to be made. That always does something
to the fine old man. Did you ever read a book called
The Confessions of
Alphonse,
the reminiscences of a French waiter? No, I suppose not, for it
was published a number of years ago, long before you were born. At one point
in it Alphonse says “Instantly as a man wishes to borrow money of me, I dislike
him. It is in the blood. It is more strong than me.” The Duke’s like that.’

Archie Gilpin
reached for his hair and was busy for awhile with the customary scalp massage.
There was a bleakness in his voice when at length he spoke.

‘Then
you wouldn’t recommend an immediate try for that thousand?’

‘Not
whole-heartedly. But what’s your hurry?’

‘I’ll
tell you what’s my hurry. I had a letter from Ricky this morning. He says he
can only give me another week to raise the money. If I don’t give it him by
then, he’ll have to get somebody else, he says.’

‘A
nuisance, I agree. That kind of ultimatum is always un-pleasant. But much may
happen in a week. Much, for that matter, may happen in a day. My advice to you
—’

But
Archie was not destined to receive that advice, which would probably have been
very valuable, for at this moment Mr Schoonmaker appeared, and he sidled off.
The father of his betrothed, now that he had made his acquaintance, always gave
him a sort of nervous feeling akin to what are sometimes called the heebie-jeebies
and he was never completely at his ease in his presence. It was the
tortoiseshell-rimmed spectacles principally that did it, he thought, though
possibly the square jaw contributed its mite.

Mr Schoonmaker
stood looming over the hammock like a thundercloud.

‘You
and your damned Dukes!’ he said and Lord Ickenham raised his eyebrows.

‘My
dear Jimmy! It may be my imagination, but a certain half-veiled something in
your manner seems to suggest that your conference with Dunstable was not an
agreeable one. What happened? Did you broach the subject of the venus Island
Development Corporation?’

‘Yes, I
did,’ said Mr Schoonmaker, taking time out for a snort similar in its resonance
to the shot heard round the world. ‘And he acted as if he thought I was some
sort of con.’ man. Did you tell him I’d borrowed money from you?’

Lord
Ickenham’s eyes widened.’ He was plainly at a loss.

‘Borrowed
money from me? Of course not.’

‘He
said you did.’

‘How very
extraordinary. How much am I supposed to have lent you?’

‘Ten
pounds.’

‘What a
laughable idea! The sort of sum a man like you leaves on the plate for the
waiter when he’s had lunch. What on earth can have put that into his head?’ Lord
Ickenham’s face cleared. ‘I’ll tell you what I think must have misled him,
Jimmy. I remember now that I was talking to him about the old days in New York,
when we were both young and hard up and I would sometimes sting you for a
trifle and you would sometimes sting me for a trifle, according to which of us happened
to have anything in his wallet at the moment, and he got it all mixed up. very
muddle-headed man, the Duke. His father, I believe, was the same. So were his
sisters and his cousins and his aunts. Well, I must say the thought of someone
of your eminence panhandling me for a tenner is a very stimulating one. It isn’t
everyone who gets his ear bitten by a millionaire. How did you leave things
with Dunstable?’

‘I told
him he was crazy and came away.’

‘Very
proper. And what are you planning to do now?’

A faint
blush spread itself over Mr Schoonmaker’s face.’

‘I
thought I might go and see if Lady Constance would like a stroll in the park or
something.’

‘Connie,’
Lord Ickenham corrected. ‘You won’t get anywhere if you don’t think of her as
Connie.’

‘I won’t
get anywhere if I do,’ said Mr Schoonmaker morosely.

The
morning was now pleasantly warm and full of little soothing noises, some
contributed by the local insects, others by a gardener who was mowing a distant
lawn, and it was not long after Mr Schoonmaker’s departure before Lord Ickenham’s
eyes closed and his breathing became soft and regular. He was within two
breaths of sleep, when a voice spoke.’

‘Hoy!’ it
said, and he sat up.

‘Hullo,
Dunstable. You seem upset.’

The
Duke’s eyes were popping, and his moustache danced in the breeze.

‘Ickenham,
you were right!’

‘About
what?’

‘About
that Yank, that feller Stick-in-the-Mud. Not ten minutes after you’d warned me
he was going to do it, he came to me and started trying to get me to put up
money for that Tiddlypush Island scheme of his.’

Lord
Ickenham gave a low whistle.’

‘You
don’t say!’

‘That’s
what he did.’

‘So
soon! One would have expected him to wait at least till he had got to know you
a little better. He was very plausible, of course?’

‘Yes,
very.’

‘He
would be. These fellows always specialize in the slick sales talk. You weren’t
taken in, I hope?’

‘Me?’

‘No, of
course not. You’re much too level-headed.’

‘I sent
him off with a flea in his ear, by Jove!’

‘I see.
I don’t blame you.’ Still, it’s very embarrassing.’

‘Who’s
embarrassed? I’m not.’

‘I was
only thinking that as your nephew is going to marry his daughter …’

The
Duke’s jaw fell.

‘Good
God! I’d forgotten that.’

‘I
should try to bear it in mind from now on, if I were you, for it is a matter
that affects you rather deeply. It’s lucky you’re a rich man.”

‘Eh?’

‘Well,
you’re going to have to support Archie and the girl, and not only them but Schoonmaker
and his sisters. I believe he has three of them.’

‘I won’t
do it!’

‘Can’t
let them starve.’

‘Why
not?’

‘You
mean you think we all eat too much nowadays? Quite true, but it won’t do you
any good if they go about begging crusts of bread and telling people why.’ Can’t
you see the gossip columns in Tilbury’s papers? They’d really spread
themselves.’

The
Duke clutched at the hammock, causing Lord Ickenham to oscillate and feel a
little seasick.’ He had overlooked this angle, and none knew better than he how
blithely, after what had occurred between them, the proprietor of the Mammoth
Publishing Company would spring to the task of getting a certain something of
his own back.’