Service with a Smile (25 page)

3

In supposing that, having
given audience to the Duke, Mr Schoonmaker, Archie Gilpin and Myra, he would
now be allowed that restful solitude which was so necessary to him when
digesting the morning eggs and bacon, Lord Ickenham was in error. This time it
was not an angel voice that interrupted his slumber, but more of a bleat, as
if an elderly sheep in the vicinity had been endowed with speech. Only one man
of his acquaintance bleated in just that manner, and he was not surprised, on
assuming an upright pose, to find that it was Lord Emsworth who had been called
to his attention. The ninth earl was drooping limply at his side, as if some
un-friendly hand had removed his spinal column.

Having
become reconciled by now to being in the position of a French monarch of the
old régime holding a levee, Lord Ickenham showed no annoyance, but greeted him
with a welcoming smile and said that it was a nice day.

‘The
sun,’ he said, indicating it.

Lord Emsworth
looked at the sun, and gave it a nod of approval.

‘I came
to give you something.’

‘The
right spirit.’ It’s not my birthday, but I am always open to receive presents.
What sort of something?’

‘I’m
sorry to say I’ve forgotten.’

‘Too
bad.’

‘I
shall remember it in time, I expect.’

‘I’ll
count the minutes.’

‘And
there’s something I wanted to tell you.’

‘But
you’ve forgotten it?’

‘No, I
remember that. It is about the Empress. I have been thinking it over, Ickenham,
and I have decided to buy the Empress from Dunstable. I admit I hesitated for
awhile, because his price was so stiff. He is asking three thousand pounds.’

It took
a great deal to disturb Lord Ickenham’s normal calm, but at these words he
could not repress a gasp.’

‘Three
thousand
pounds!
For a pig?’

‘For
the Empress,’ Lord Emsworth corrected in a reverent voice.

‘Kick
him in the stomach!’

‘No, I
must have the Empress, no matter what the cost. I am lost without her.’ I’m on
my way to see her now.’

‘Who’s
attending to her wants now that Wellbeloved’s gone?’

‘Oh, I’ve
taken Wellbeloved back,’ said Lord Emsworth, looking a little sheepish, as a
man will who has done the weak thing. ‘I had no alternative.’ The Empress needs
constant care and attention, and no pigman I have ever had has understood her
as Wellbeloved does. But I gave him a good talking to. And do you know what he
said to me? He said something that shocked me profoundly.’

Lord
Ickenham nodded.

‘These
rugged sons of the soil don’t always watch their language.’ They tend at times
to get a bit Shakespearian. What did he call you?’

‘He
didn’t call me anything.’

‘Then
what shocked you?’

‘What
he said. He said that Briggs woman who bribed him to steal the Empress was in the
pay of Dunstable. It was Dunstable she was working for. I was never so
astounded in my life. Should I tax him about it, do you think?’

‘In the
hope of making him shave his price a bit?’ Lord Ickenham shook his head. ‘I
doubt if that would get you anywhere. He would do what I always advise
everyone to do, stick to stout denial. All you have to go on is Wellbeloved’s
word, and that would not carry much conviction. I like George Cyril Wellbeloved
and always enjoy exchanging ideas with him, but I wouldn’t believe his word if
he brought it to me on a plate with watercress round it. On this occasion he
probably deviated from the policy of a lifetime and told the truth, but what of
that? You know and I know that Dunstable is a man who sticks at nothing and
would walk ten miles in the snow to chisel a starving orphan out of tuppence. but
we are helpless without proof.’ If only he had written some sort of divisional
orders, embodying his low schemes in a letter, it would be —’

‘Oh!’ said
Lord Emsworth.

‘Eh?’ said
Lord Ickenham.

‘I’ve
just remembered what it was I came to give you,’ said Lord Emsworth, feeling in
his pocket. ‘This letter. It got mixed up with mine. Well, I’ll be getting
along and seeing the Empress. Would you care to come?’

‘Come?
Oh, I see what you mean. I think not, thanks. Later on, perhaps.’

Lord
Ickenham spoke absently.’ He had opened the letter, and a glance at the
signature had told him that its contents might well be fraught with interest.

His
correspondent was Lavender Briggs.

Chapter
Twelve

1

The door of Lady Constance’s
boudoir flew open and something large and spectacled shot out, so rapidly that
it was only by an adroit
pas seul
that Beach, who happened to be passing
at the moment, avoided a damaging collision.

‘Oops!’
said Mr Schoonmaker, for the large spectacled object was he. ‘Pardon me.’

‘Pardon
me, sir,’ said Beach.’

‘No,
no, pardon me,’ said Mr Schoonmaker.

‘Very
good, sir,’ said Beach.’

He was
regarding this man who had so nearly become his dancing partner with a surprise
which he did not allow to appear on his moonlike features, for butlers are not
permitted by the rules of their guild to look surprised. Earlier in the day he
had viewed Mr Schoonmaker with some concern, thinking that his face seemed pale
and drawn, as if he were suffering from a headache, but now there had been a
magical change and it was plain that he had made a quick recovery. The cheeks
glowed, and the eyes, formerly like oysters in the last stages of dissolution,
were bright and sparkling. Exuberant was the word Beach would have applied to
the financier, if he had happened to know it.’ He had once heard Lord Ickenham
use the expression ‘All spooked up with zip and vinegar’, and it was thus that
he was mentally labelling Mr Schoonmaker now. Unquestionably spooked up, was
his verdict.

‘Oh,
Beach,’ said Mr Schoonmaker.

‘Sir?’ said
Beach.

‘Lovely
day.’

‘Extremely
clement, sir.’

‘I’m
looking for Lord Ickenham. You seen him anywhere?’

‘It was
only a few moments ago that I observed his lordship entering the office of Lord
Emsworth’s late secretary, sir.’

‘Late?’

‘Not
defunct, sir. Miss Briggs was dismissed from her post.”

‘Oh, I
see. Got the push, did she? Where is this office?’

‘At the
far end of the corridor on the floor above this one. Should I escort you there,
sir?’

‘No,
don’t bother. I’ll find it.’ Oh, Beach.’

‘Sir?’

‘Here,’
said Mr Schoonmaker, and thrusting a piece of paper into the butler’s hand he
curvetted off like, thought Beach, an unusually extrovert lamb in springtime.

Beach
looked at the paper, and being alone, with nobody to report him to his guild,
permitted himself a sharp gasp. It was a ten-pound note, and it was the third
piece of largesse that had been bestowed on him in the last half hour.’ First,
that charming young lady, Miss Schoonmaker, giving him a missive to take to her
ladyship, had accompanied it with a fiver, and shortly after that Mr Meriwether
had pressed money into his hand with what looked to him like a farewell
gesture, though he had not been notified that the gentleman was leaving. It all
seemed very mysterious to Beach, though far from displeasing.

Mr Schoonmaker,
meanwhile, touching the ground only at odd spots, had arrived at Lavender Briggs’
office. He found Lord Ickenham seated at the desk, and burst immediately into
speech.

‘Oh,
Freddie. The butler told me you were here.’

‘And he
was quite right. Here I am, precisely as predicted. Take a chair.’

‘I can’t
take a chair, I’m much too excited. You don’t mind me walking about the room
like this? I wanted to see you, Freddie. I wanted you to be the first to hear
the news. Do you remember me telling you that if I could get Lady Constance to
be my wife, I’d be the happiest man on earth?’

‘I remember.’
Those were your very words.’

‘Well,
I am.’

Something
of the bewilderment recently exhibited by Beach showed itself on Lord Ickenham’s
face. This was a totally un-expected development. A shrewd judge of form, he
had supposed that only infinite patience and a compelling series of pep talks
would have been able to screw this man’s courage to the sticking point and turn
him, as he appeared to have been turned, into a whirlwind wooer. very
unpromising wedding bells material his old friend had seemed to him in the
previous talks they had had together, and he had almost despaired of bringing
about the happy ending. For if a suitor’s nerve fails him every time he sees
the adored object sideways, it is seldom that he can accomplish anything
constructive.’ Yet now it was plain that something had occurred to change James
Schoonmaker from the timorous rabbit he had been to a dasher with whom Don
Juan would not have been ashamed to shake hands.’ It struck him instantly that
there could be but one solution of the mystery.

‘Jimmy,
you’ve been at the May Queen again.”

‘I have
not!’

‘You’re
sure?’

‘Of
course I’m sure.”

‘Well,
I’m glad to hear that, for it is not a practice I would recommend so early in
the day. And yet you tell me that you have been proposing marriage with, I am
glad to hear, great success. How did you overcome that diffidence of yours?’

‘I didn’t
have to overcome it. When I saw her sitting there in floods of tears, all my
diffidence vanished. I felt strong and protective. I hurried to where she sat.’

‘And
grabbed her?’

‘Certainly
not.’

‘Waggled
her about?’

‘Nothing
of the kind. I bent over her and took her hand gently in mine. “Connie,” I
said.’

‘Connie?’

‘Certainly.’

‘At
last! I knew you would get around to it sooner or later. And then?’

‘She
said, “Oh, James! “‘

‘Well,
I don’t think much of the dialogue so far, but perhaps it got brighter later
on. What did you say after that?’

‘I
said, “Connie, darling. What’s the matter?”‘

‘One
can understand how you must have been curious to know. And what was the matter?’

‘Mr Schoonmaker,
who had been pacing the floor in the manner popularized by tigers at a zoo,
suddenly halted in mid-stride, and the animation died out of his face as though
turned off with a switch. He looked like a man suddenly reminded of something
unpleasant, as indeed he had been.

‘Who’s
this guy Meriwether?’ he demanded.

‘Meriwether?’
said Lord Ickenham, who had had an idea that the name would be coming up
shortly. ‘Didn’t Connie tell you about him?’

‘Only
that you brought him here.’

Lord
Ickenham could understand this reticence. He recalled that his hostess, going
into the matter at their recent conference, had decided that silence was best.
It would have been difficult, as she had said, were she to place the facts
before her betrothed, to explain why she had allowed Bill to continue enjoying
her hospitality.

‘Yes, I
brought him here. He’s a young friend of mine. His name actually is Bailey, but
he generally travels incognito. He’s a curate. He brushes and polishes the
souls of the parishioners of Bottleton East, a district of London, where he is
greatly respected.’ I’ll tell you something about Bill Bailey, Jimmy.’ I have
an idea he’s a good deal attracted by your daughter Myra. Not easy to tell for
certain because he wears the mask, but I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he
wasn’t in love with her. One or two little signs I’ve noticed. Poor lad, it
must have been a sad shock for him when he learned that she’s going to marry
Archie Gilpin.’

Mr Schoonmaker
snorted. This habit of his of behaving like a bursting paper bag was new to
Lord Ickenham. Probably, he thought, a mannerism acquired since his rise to
riches.’ No doubt there was some form of unwritten law that compelled
millionaires to act that way.

‘She
isn’t,’ said Mr Schoonmaker.

‘Isn’t
what?’

‘Going
to marry Archie Gilpin. She eloped with Meriwether this morning.’

‘You
astound me. Are you sure? Where did you hear that?’

‘She
left a note for Connie.”

‘Well,
this is wonderful news,’ said Lord Ickenham, his face lighting up. ‘I’m not
surprised you’re dancing about all over the place on the tips of your toes. He’s
a splendid young fellow. Boxed three years for Oxford and, so I learn from a
usually reliable source, went through the opposition like a dose of salts. I
congratulate you, Jimmy.’