Sex, Marriage and Family in World Religions (82 page)

10. Therefore, anciently, for three months before the marriage of a young lady, if the temple of the high ancestor of her family were still standing, she was taught in it, as the public hall; if it were no longer standing, she was taught in the public hall of the head of that branch of the surname to which she belonged; she was taught there the virtue, the speech, the carriage, and the work of a wife. When the teaching was accomplished, she offered a sacrifice to the ancestor, using fish for the victim and soups made of duckweed and pond-weed. So was she trained to the obedience of a wife.

11. Anciently, the queen of the Son of Heaven divided the harem into six palace halls, occupied by the three ladies called
furen,
the nine called
pin,
the 27 called
shifu,
and the 81 called
yuqi.
These were instructed in the domestic and private rule which should prevail throughout the kingdom, and how the deferential obedience of the wife should be illustrated; and thus internal harmony was everywhere secured, and families were regulated. In the same way the Son of Heaven established six official departments, in which were distributed the 3 gong, the 9 qing, the 27 dafu, and the 81 shi of the highest grade.

These were instructed in all that concerned the public and external government of the kingdom, and how the lessons for the man should be illustrated; and thus harmony was secured in all external affairs, and the states were properly governed.

It is therefore said, “from the Son of Heaven there were learned the lessons for men; and from the queen, the obedience proper to women.” The Son of Heaven directed the course to be pursued by the masculine energies, and the queen regulated the virtues to be cultivated by the feminine receptivities. The Son of Heaven guided in all that affected the external administration (of affairs); and the queen, in all that concerned the internal regulation of the family. The teachings of the one and the obedience inculcated by the other perfected the manners and ways of the people; abroad and at home harmony and natural order prevailed; the states and the families were ruled according to their requirements: this was what is called the condition of complete virtue.

12. Therefore when the lessons for men are not cultivated, the masculine phenomena in nature do not proceed regularly; as seen in the heavens, we have the sun eclipsed. When the obedience proper to women is not cultivated, the feminine phenomena in nature do not proceed regularly; as seen in the heavens, we have the moon eclipsed. Hence on an eclipse of the sun, the Son of Heaven put on plain white robes and proceeded to repair what was wrong in the duties of the six official departments, purifying everything that belonged to
Confucianism
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the masculine sphere throughout the kingdom; and on an eclipse of the moon, the queen dressed herself in plain white robes and proceeded to repair what was wrong in the duties of the six palace halls, purifying everything that belonged to the feminine sphere throughout the kingdom. The Son of Heaven is to the queen what the sun is to the moon, or the masculine energy of nature to the feminine. They are necessary to each other, and by their interdependence they fulfill their functions.

13. The Son of Heaven attends to the lessons for men—that is the function of the father. The queen attends to the obedience proper to women—that is the function of the mother. Therefore it is said, “The Son of Heaven and the queen are (to the people) what father and mother are.” Hence for him who is the Heaven-appointed king, they wear the sackcloth with the jagged edges, as for a father; and for the queen they wear the sackcloth with the even edges, as for a mother.

4. When Zishang’s mother died, and he did not perform any mourning rites for her, the disciples of his father Zisi2 asked him, saying, “Did your predecessor, the superior man, observe mourning for his divorced mother?” “Yes,” was the reply. And the disciples went on, “Why do you not make Bai also observe the mourning rites for his mother?” Zisi said, “My progenitor, a superior man, never failed in pursuing the right path. When a generous course was possible, he took it and behaved generously; and when it was proper to restrain his generosity, he restrained it. But how can I attain to that? While she was my wife, she was Bai’s mother; but when she ceased to be my wife, she was no longer his mother.”

It was in this way that the Kong family came not to observe mourning for a divorced mother; the practice began from Zisi. . . .

6. When Confucius had succeeded in burying his mother in the same grave with his father at Fang, he said, “I have heard that the ancients made graves only, and did not raise mounds over them. But I am a man who will be traveling east, west, south, and north. I cannot do without something by which I can remember the place.” On this he resolved to raise a mound four feet high. He then first returned, leaving the disciples behind. A great rain came on; and when they rejoined him, he asked them what had made them so late. “The earth slipped,” they said, “from the grave at Fang.” They told him this thrice without his giving them any answer. He then wept freely, and said, “I have heard that the ancients did not need to repair their graves.” . . .

10. Confucius, being quite young when he was left fatherless, did not know the location of his father’s grave. Afterwards he had (his mother’s) body coffined in the street of Wufu. Those who saw it all thought that it was to be interred there, so carefully was everything done, but it was (only) the coffining. By inquiring of the mother of Manfu of Zou, he succeeded in burying it in the same grave with his father at Fang. . . .

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14. When the mother of Duke Mu of Lu died, he sent to ask Zengzi what ceremonies he should observe. Zengzi said, “I have heard from my father that the sorrow declared in the weeping and wailing, the feelings expressed in the robe of sackcloth with even or with frayed edges, and the food of rice made thick or in congee, extend from the Son of Heaven to all. But the tent-like covering for the coffin is of linen cloth in Wei, and of silk in Lu.” . . .

20. The practice in Zhulou of calling the (spirits of the dead) back with arrows took its rise from the battle of Shengxing. That in Lu of the women making their visits of condolence simply with a band of sackcloth round their hair took its rise from the defeat at Taitai.

21. At the mourning for her mother-in-law, the Master instructed his niece, the wife of Nangong Tao, about the way in which she should tie up her hair with sackcloth, saying, “Do not make it very high, nor very broad. Have a hairpin of hazel-wood, and the hairknots (hanging down) eight inches.” . . .

26. When Zilu might have ended his mourning for his eldest sister, he still did not do so. Confucius said to him, “Why do you not leave off your mourning?” He replied, “I have but few brothers, and I cannot bear to do so.” Confucius said, “When the ancient kings framed their rules, (they might have said that) they could not bear (to cease mourning) even for (ordinary) men on the roads.” When Zilu heard this, he forthwith left off his mourning. . . .

28. When the mother of Boyu died, he kept on wailing for her after the year.

Confucius heard him, and said, “Who is it that is thus wailing? The disciples said, “It is Li.” The Master said, “Ah! That is excessive!” When Boyu heard it, he forthwith gave up wailing.

29. Shun3 was buried in the wilderness of Cangwu, and it would thus appear that the three ladies of his harem were not buried in the same grave with him.

Ji Wuzi said, “Burying (husband and wife) in the same grave appears to have originated with the Duke of Zhou.” . . .

34. When the mother of Ziliu died, (his younger brother) Zishi asked for the means (to provide what was necessary for the mourning rites). Ziliu said, “How shall we get them?” “Let us sell (the concubines), the mothers of our half-brothers,” said the other. “How can we sell the mothers of other men to bury our mother?” was the reply, “that cannot be done.”

After the burial, Zishi wished to take what remained of the money and other things contributed towards their expenses, to provide sacrificial vessels; but Ziliu said, “ Neither can that be done. I have heard that a superior man will not enrich his family by means of his mourning. Let us distribute it among the poor of our brethren.” . . .

37. There was a man of Bian who wept like a child at the death of his mother.

Confucius said, “This is grief indeed, but it would be difficult to continue it.

Now the rules of ceremony require to be handed down, and to be perpetuated.

Hence the wailing and leaping are subject to fixed regulations.” . . .

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43. The mourning worn for the son of a brother should be the same as for one’s own son: the object being to bring him still nearer to one’s self. An elder brother’s wife and his younger brother do not wear mourning for each other: the object being to maintain the distance between them. Slight mourning is worn for an aunt, and an elder or younger sister (when they have been married); the reason being that there are those who received them from us, and will render to them the full measure of observance.

[From
The Li Ki,
in
The Sacred Books of the East,
trans. James Legge (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 1885), vol. 27, pp. 122–147, 450–476; vol. 28, pp. 211–229, 297–299, 341, 428–434, modified and with many deletions]

THE
RECORD OF RITUAL OF THE ELDER DAI
Besides the early texts incorporated in the
Record of Ritual,
early ritual texts assembled in the first century bce by Dai De have been preserved under the title
Record of Ritual of the Elder Dai (Da Dai Liji).
This work is the earliest source on the grounds for divorce and several other often quoted teachings on marriage and gender.

Document 6–9

The word “male” means responsible; the word “child” means offspring. The term male-child refers to their responsibility for taking care of all under heaven or on earth, their duty to aid the growth of all living things. Therefore they are called “senior supports.” Senior means old, support means giving assistance, which refers to their role in the growth of all living things. They know what should be done and what should not be done; they know what should be said and what should not be said; they know what should be practiced and what should not be practiced. For this reason, they examine the ethical principles and understand the separation of the sexes. This is the virtue of the proper man.

The world “female” means similar; the word “child” means offspring. The term female-child refers to their being educated in a way similar to boys to develop their moral understanding. Therefore they are called “wife-persons.” A wife is someone who submits to a person. For this reason she does not have to take charge herself. She has the Way of the three submissions: at her home, she submits to her father; after marriage she submits to her husband; after her husband dies, she submits to her son, never daring to proceed alone. Orders do not issue from the women’s quarters. A woman concentrates her efforts on food preparation. Therefore women stay in the inner quarters all day, and do not travel to a funeral more than 100 li away. Their Way does not include taking initiative or acting alone. They act after consultation, speak after giving consid-394

eration. When walking at night they carry a candle. They take charge of the silkworms and domestic animals. This is how they are trustworthy; this is the virtue of the proper wife.

There are five types of women who should not be taken in marriage. The daughter of an insubordinate family should not be taken; the daughter of a wild family should not be taken; the daughter of a family with criminals in prior generations should not be taken, the daughter of a family that in prior generations had noxious diseases should not be taken, and the daughter who grew up in a family where the wife has died should not be taken. The daughter of an insubordinate family will oppose virtue; the daughter of a wild family will cause confusion to ethical principles. Families that have criminals have been abandoned by society; families with noxious diseases have been abandoned by heaven. A girl who grew up without a mother will have no one to instruct her in her proper role.

There are seven grounds for divorcing a wife. If she is not obedient to [her husband’s] parents, send her away. If she has no children, send her away. If she commits adultery, send her away. If she is jealous, send her away. If she has a noxious disease, send her away. If she talks a lot, send her away. If she steals, send her away. The reason for sending her away if she disobeys the parents is that this violates virtue; when she has no children, it is because it cuts off the family line; when she is adulterous, it is because this confuses kinship connections; when she is jealous, it is because this brings disorder to the household; when she has a noxious disease, it is because she cannot participate in making offerings of food to the ancestors; when she speaks too much, it is because this causes estrangement among relatives; and when she steals, because it is counter to morality.

There are three situations in which wives cannot be divorced. She cannot be sent away when she was taken from a home but there is no longer a home to which she can return. She cannot be sent away when she has mourned [a parent-in-law] for three years. She cannot be sent away if when first married [her husband] was poor and lowly but now he is rich and high ranking.

[Translated by Patricia Ebrey from
Kao Ming, Da Dai li ji jin zhu jin yi
(Taibei: Commercial, 1975), pp. 466–469]

THE
CLASSIC OF FILIAL PIETY

The brief
Classic of Filial Piety (Xiao jing)
was probably written early in the Han dynasty (202 bce-220 ce). It purports to record the conversations between Confucius’s disciple Zengzi and Confucius. The Han was a period when filial piety was greatly extolled, and in this text filial piety was presented as a political virtue, tied to loyalty to political superiors. From Han times on this text was used as a basic primer in the education of children.