Sex, Marriage and Family in World Religions (85 page)

The people of his clan all praised him; his name became well known, and his reputation spread far. His official rank reached the palace attendant level during Emperor An’s reign (107–26 ce).

The origin of Yuan Gu is unknown. When his grandfather was old, his parents detested the old man and wanted to abandon him. Gu, who was fifteen years old, entreated them piteously with tears, but his parents did not listen to him. They made a carriage and carried the grandfather away and abandoned him. Gu brought the carriage back. His father asked him, What are you going to do with this inauspicious thing?” Gu replied: “I am afraid that when you get old, I will not be able to make a new carriage, and so I have brought it back.”

His father was moved and ashamed and carried the grandfather back and cared for him. He overcame his selfishness and criticized himself. He finally became a “purely filial [son]” and Gu became a “purely [filial] grandson.”

[From Wu Hung,
The Wu Liang Shrine: The Ideology of Early Chinese Pictorial Art
(Palo Alto: Stanford University Press, 1989), pp. 178, 280, 294, 303–05, slightly modified]

MR. YAN’S FAMILY INSTRUCTIONS

Mr. Yan’s Family Instructions (Yanshi jiafan)
was written by Yan Zhitui (531– 591) for his sons. It draws on Confucian teachings but does not exclude Buddhism and takes into consideration such issues as personality differences and political realities. Yan himself lived through highly unstable times and appreciated family solidarity. His book was widely appreciated not only for the advice it offered but also for its wit and insight.

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y a n s h i j i a f a n

Those of the highest intelligence will develop without being taught; those of great stupidity, even if taught, will amount to nothing; those of medium ability will be ignorant unless taught. The ancient sage kings had rules for prenatal training. Women when pregnant for three months moved from their living quarters to a detached palace where they would not see unwholesome sights nor hear reckless words, and where the tone of music and the flavor of food were controlled by the rules of decorum [rites]. These rules were written on jade tablets and kept in a golden box. After the child was born, imperial tutors firmly made clear filial piety, humaneness, the rites, and rightness to guide and train him.

The common people are indulgent and are unable to do this. But as soon as a baby can recognize facial expressions and understand approval and disapproval, training should be begun so that he will do what he is told to do and stop when so ordered. After a few years of this, punishment with the bamboo can be minimized, as parental strictness and dignity mingled with parental love will lead the boys and girls to a feeling of respect and caution and give rise to filial piety. I have noticed about me that where there is merely love without training this result is never achieved. Children eat, drink, speak, and act as they please. Instead of needed prohibitions they receive praise; instead of urgent reprimands they receive smiles. Even when children are old enough to learn, such treatment is still regarded as the proper method. Only after the child has formed proud and arrogant habits do they try to control him. But one may whip the child to death and he will still not be respectful, while the growing anger of the parents only increases his resentment. After he grows up, such a child becomes at last nothing but a scoundrel. Confucius was right in saying, “What is acquired in infancy is like original nature; what has been formed into habits is equal to instinct.” A common proverb says, “Train a wife from her first arrival; teach a son in his infancy.” How true such sayings are!

Generally parents’ inability to instruct their own children comes not from any inclination just to let them fall into evil ways but only from parents’ being unable to endure the children’s looks [of unhappiness] from repeated scoldings, or to bear beating them, lest it do damage to the children’s physical being. We should, however, take illness by way of illustration: how can we not use drugs, medicines, acupuncture, or cautery to cure it? Should we then view strictness of reproof and punishment as a form of cruelty to one’s own kith and kin? Truly there is no other way to deal with it. . . .

As for maintaining proper respect between father and son, one cannot allow too much familiarity; in the love among kin, one cannot tolerate impoliteness.

Confucianism
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If there is impoliteness, then parental solicitude is not matched by filial respect; if there is too much familiarity, it gives rise to indifference and rudeness.

Someone has asked why Chen Kang [a disciple of Confucius] was pleased to hear that gentlemen kept their distance from their sons, and the answer is that this was indeed the case; gentlemen did not personally teach their children [because, as Yan goes on to show, there are passages in the Classics of a sexual kind, which it would not be proper for a father to teach his sons] . . .

In the love of parents for children, it is rare that one succeeds in treating them equally. From antiquity to the present there are many cases of this failing.

It is only natural to love those who are wise and talented, but those who are wayward and dull also deserve sympathy. Partiality in treatment, even when done out of generous motives, turns out badly. . . .

After the appearance of humankind, there followed the conjugal relationship; the conjugal relationship was followed by the parental; the parental was followed by the fraternal. Within the family, these three are the intimate relationships. The other degrees of kinship all develop out of these three. Therefore among human relationships one cannot but take these [three] most seriously. . . .

When brothers are at odds with each other, then sons and nephews will not love each other, and this in turn will lead to the cousins drifting apart, resulting finally in their servants treating one another as enemies. When this happens then strangers can step on their faces and trample upon their breasts and there will be no one to come to their aid. There are men who are able to make friends with distinguished men of the empire, winning their affection, and yet are unable to show proper respect toward their own elder brothers. How strange that they should succeed with the many and fail with the few! There are others who are able to command troops in the thousands and inspire such loyalty in them that they will die willingly for them and yet are unable to show kindness toward their own younger brothers. How strange that they should succeed with strangers and fail with their own flesh and blood! . . .

Beneficial influences are transmitted from superiors to inferiors and bequeathed by earlier to later generations. So if a father is not loving, the son will not be filial; if an elder brother is not friendly, the younger will not be respectful; if a husband is not just, the wife will not be obedient. When a father is kind but the son refractory, when an elder brother is friendly but the younger arrogant, when a husband is just but a wife overbearing, then indeed they are the bad people of the world; they must be controlled by punishments; teaching and guidance will not change them. If rod and wrath are not used in family disci-408

pline, the faults of the son will immediately appear. If punishments are not properly awarded, the people will not know how to act. The use of clemency and severity in governing a family is the same as in a state. . . .

A wife in presiding over household supplies should use wine, food, and clothing only as the rites specify. Just as in the state, where women are not allowed to participate in setting policies, so in the family, they should not be permitted to assume responsibility for affairs. If they are wise, talented, and versed in the ancient and modern writings, they ought to help their husbands by supplementing the latter’s deficiency. No hen should herald the dawn lest misfortune follow. . . .

The burden of daughters on the family is heavy indeed. Yet how else can Heaven give life to the teeming people and ancestors pass on their bodily ex-istence to posterity? Many people today dislike having daughters and mistreat their own flesh and blood. How can they be like this and still hope for Heaven’s blessing? . . .

It is common for women to dote on a son-in-law and to maltreat a daughter-in-law. Doting on a son-in-law gives rise to hatred from brothers; maltreating a daughter-in-law brings on slander from sisters. Thus when these women, whether they act or remain silent, draw criticism from the members of the family, it is the mother who is the real cause of it. . . .

A simple marriage arrangement irrespective of social position was the established rule of our ancestor Qing Hou. Nowadays there are those who sell their daughters for money or buy a woman with a payment of silk. They compare the rank of fathers and grandfathers, and calculate in ounces and drams, demanding more and offering less, just as if bargaining in the market. Under such conditions a boorish son-in-law might appear in the family or an arrogant woman assume power in the household. Coveting honor and seeking for gain, on the contrary, incur shame and disgrace; how can one not be careful?

[From
Sources of Chinese Tradition,
ed. W. Theodore De Bary and Irene Bloom, rev. ed. (New York: Columbia University Press, 1999), pp. 542–546]

THE
CLASSIC OF FILIAL PIETY FOR WOMEN

The original
Classic of Filial Piety
was written in gender neutral language, as though addressed to both males and females, but many of the situations it discusses clearly were more relevant to men’s lives. During the Tang dynasty an official’s wife, Miss Zheng, tried to remedy this by writing a separate
Classic
of Filial Piety for Women (Nu¨ xiao jing).
She describes the greatest offense as jealousy, adds a section on prenatal education and instead of the section “serving the ruler,” has a section on “maternal properties.” In the place of the dia-logue between Confucius and his disciple Zengzi, Ban Zhao is made to play the role of authority figure and responds to her students’ questions.

In Song times (960–1279) several sets of paintings were made to illustrate this didactic text.

Confucianism
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¨

x i a o j i n g

Lady Ban was at home at leisure and the girls were sitting in attendance. Lady Ban said, “In antiquity, the two daughters of the Sage Emperor [Yao] had the filial way and went to the bend of the Gui River [to marry Shun]. They were humble, yielding, respectful, and frugal; they concentrated their thoughts on the way to be a wife. Wise and well-informed, they avoided problems with others. Have you heard about this?”

The girls rose from their seats and apologized, “We girls are ignorant and have not yet received all of your teachings. Could you tell us about it?”

Lady Ban said, “Study involves gathering information, questioning and eval-uating it, and discarding the doubtful. In this way one can become a model for others. If you are willing to listen to my words and put them into practice, I will explain the principles to you.

“Filial piety expands heaven and earth, deepens human relationships, stimulates the ghosts and spirits, and moves the birds and beasts. It involves being respectful and conforming to ritual, acting only after repeated thought, making no effort to broadcast one’s accomplishments or good deeds, being agreeable, gentle, pure, obedient, kind, intelligent, filial, and compassionate. When such virtuous conduct is perfected, no one will reproach you.”

This is what is meant by the passage in the
Book of Documents,
“Filial piety is simply being filial and friendly to one’s brothers.”13

“Although occupying honored positions, they are able to show restraint and thus they can hold their positions without relying on partiality. They observe the diligent toil [of others] and understand their viewpoints. They can recite the
Poetry
and
Documents
; they can perform the
Rituals
and
Music
. As a consequence, they consider it a misfortune to be well-known but unworthy and a calamity to be great in status but little in virtue, and in fact take a warning from such cases. By first ensuring that their persons, at rest or in movement, conform to propriety, they are able to get along well with their children and grandchildren and preserve the ancestral temple. This is the filial piety of the noble ladies.”

The
Classic of Changes
says; “When one removes the false and preserves one’s integrity, the virtue will spread and transform others.”14

t h e w i v e s o f o f fi c i a l s

“They do not dare wear garments not prescribed by the ritual codes; they do not dare use words not modeled on the
Poetry
and
Documents
; they do not dare to behave in any way outside the virtuous ways based on honesty and moral 410

principle. There is nothing better than not saying what one wishes others would not hear, not doing what one wishes other would not know, and not performing what one wishes others would not pass on. Those who fulfill these three conditions are able to preserve their ancestral altars. This is the filial piety of the wives of officials.”

The
Book of Poetry
says: “She picks the artemisia by the pond and on the islands for use in service to the lords.”15

“
They follow the way of the wife and utilize moral principle to the best advantage. They put others first and themselves last in order to serve their parents-in-law. They spin and weave and sew clothes; they prepare the sacrificial foods.

This is the filial piety of the wife of a common person.
”

The
Book of Poetry
says: “Women do not have public affairs [for if they did]