Sex, Marriage and Family in World Religions (87 page)

Another problem occurs when the woman gives birth while the master is away. She then can discard the girl she bore and substitute someone else’s boy.

The master then rears him without knowing he is not his own son. How naive and stupid these men are!

Most women are jealous, so men with wives seldom keep concubines, and those who do keep them usually are without wives.

If you keep maids and concubines, precautions and restrictions are needed both with regard to your sons and younger brothers within the family and with regard to servants outside it. Even when you have a wife to act as mistress there is sometimes trouble, so naturally there is more when no one is in charge.

If only one person is keeping an eye out, deception will be easy. Therefore, doing this late in life is especially unsuitable. What would you do if an unex-pected disaster happened?

Families that keep concubines sometimes are so foolish as to house them in side rooms no one else ever passes or rooms with side doors to the outside.

Sometimes the toilet is next to the kitchen and a man manages the kitchen.

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Sometimes at night there is drinking in an inner room and male servants help in the service.

Some of the deceptions are beyond anyone’s ability to prevent because concubines plan carefully to keep the master from getting suspicious. Since they will take turns keeping a lookout for each other, the master has no means of learning what is going on.

For the amusement of their guests, some men teach their maids and concubines to sing and dance or to serve food and wine. In such cases do not select women of striking beauty or superior intelligence, for there is the danger that such a woman will arouse feelings of lust in some evil guest. On seeing such beauty he will want to get a hold of it and will chase after it with such singlemindedness that he ignores all obstacles. If the guest has authority over you, anything can happen. The affair of Lu¨zhu is an example from antiquity,24 but there are also plenty in recent times that I’d prefer not to mention by name.

[From
Family and Property in Sung China: Yuan Ts’ai’s Precepts for Social Life,
trans. Patricia Buckley Ebrey (Princeton: Princeton University Press, 1984), pp. 286–288, slightly modified]

ZHU XI ON FAMILY AND MARRIAGE

During the Song period (960–1279) Confucian teachings were reinvigorated by a series of major teachers and thinkers, among whom Zhu Xi (1130–1200) stands out for his prodigious output and his influence on the development of Confucian thought in subsequent centuries. Zhu Xi was the first great synthesizer of what has been called the Learning of the Way or Neo-Confucianism. He wrote, compiled, or edited almost a hundred books, corresponded with dozens of other scholars, and met regularly with groups of adult students.

Marriage and the family were never Zhu Xi’s main concerns, but he wrote a guide to the practice of family rituals (weddings, funerals, and ancestral rites above all) that became the standard work for the next several centuries. He viewed issues related to family and marriage as issues particularly relevant to ordinary people, and during his brief terms as a local official he tried to reform the practices of the people in his district. In his conversations with disciples he discussed the sorts of issues that were more relevant among the educated class, such as what to do when a parent wanted to follow a disapproved practice.

The excerpts below come from three books. The first is from a chapter devoted to regulating the family in
Reflections on Things at Hand (Jinsi lu),
a book that he compiled jointly with Lu¨ Zuqian (1137–81). This chapter, like the rest of Reflections, is made up of selections from earlier Song period Confucian scholars, especially the Cheng brothers, Cheng Hao (1032–85) and Cheng Yi (1033–1107). It includes Cheng Yi’s famous statement that it would be better for a widow to die than marry again. After it is a proclamation issued by Zhu Xi in
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417

1190, when he was prefect of Zhangzhou. It would have been posted for people to read or have read to them. The third section is drawn from his
Classified
Conversations (Zhuzi yulei).

Document 6–17

2. Mencius said, “It will be all right to serve one’s parents as Zengzi served his.”25 Mencius never considered Zengzi’s filial piety to be excessive. For whatever a son can personally do should be done.

3. “In dealing with the troubles caused by one’s mother, one should not be too firm.”26 In dealing with his mother, the son should help her with mildness and gentleness so she will be in accord with righteousness. If he disobeys her and the matter fails, it will be his fault.

Is there not a way to obey with ease? If one goes forward with his strength and abruptly resists or defies her, the kindness and love between mother and son will be hurt. That will be great harm indeed. How can he get into her heart and change her? The way lies in going backward, bending his will to obey-, and following his mother so that her personal life will be correct and matters well managed. The way strong ministers serve weak rulers is similar to this. . . .

6. In family relationships, parents and children usually overcome correct principles with affection and supplant righteousness with kindness. Only strong and resolute people can avoid sacrificing correct principles for the sake of personal affection. Therefore in the hexagram
jiaren
[family], essentially speaking, strength is considered good. . . .

8. The text of the second lowest, undivided line of the
guimei
[marriage of a maiden] hexagram says that correctness and tranquility should be maintained.

This principle is not out of accord with the normal and correct relationship between husband and wife. People today consider indecent liberties and improper intimacies as normal and therefore consider correctness and tranquility as abnormal, without realizing that these are the normal and lasting ways of the relationship between husband and wife.

9. Most people today are careful in choosing sons-in-law but careless in selecting daughters-in-law. Actually the character of sons-in-law is easy to see but that of daughters-in-law is difficult to know. The choice of a daughter-in-law is very important. Why should it be neglected?

10. When one’s parents have passed away, he should be doubly sorrowful on their birthdays. How can he have the heart to give a banquet and amuse himself with musical entertainment? If both parents are still living, that will be all right. . . .

12. QUESTION: Diwu Lun had a different attitude toward his son’s sickness from that toward his nephew’s sickness, and he confessed that it was selfishness.27 Why?

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ANSWER: It does not matter whether he slept peacefully or not. The fact that he did not get up in one case but got up ten times in the other shows selfishness. Love between father and son is essentially a matter of impartiality.

To attach any personal idea to it is selfish.

FURTHER QUESTION: Should there be any difference between one’s treatment of his own son and his treatment of his brother’s son?

ANSWER: When the Sage instituted social regulations, he said, “The sons of brothers are the same.” That means one should treat his brother’s son as his own.

FURTHER QUESTION: By nature one attaches more importance to his own son and less importance to his brother’s son. It seems there should be some difference. Is that right?

ANSWER: It seems so because people today look at the matter from the selfish point of view. Confucius said, “The relation between father and son is rooted in nature.”28 This was said only in relation to filial piety and therefore he said that the relation between father and son is rooted in nature. But are the relations between ruler and minister, elder and younger brothers, guest and host, and friends not rooted in nature also? Simply because people today take these relations too lightly they have not traced their source and therefore they think there should be a difference. How much difference is there between one’s own son and his brother’s son? They are both the offspring of one’s parents.

Brothers are called hand and foot simply because they have separate bodies.

Because of this fact, most people love their own sons differently from their brother’s sons. This is a great mistake.

FURTHER QUESTION: Confucius regarded Gongye Chang as inferior to Nan Rong and therefore gave his brother’s daughter to Nan Rong in marriage and his own daughter to Gongye Chang.29 Why?

ANSWER: This is to judge the Sage by one’s own selfish mind. Anyone who avoids suspicion is internally deficient. The Sage was perfectly impartial. Why should he have to avoid suspicion? In giving one’s daughter in marriage, one seeks a match according to her qualifications. If, as we may suppose, one’s brother’s daughter is not very beautiful, one must select a young man of corresponding quality to match her, and if one’s own daughter is beautiful, he must select a young man of good talents to match her. Why should one avoid any suspicion? In the case of Confucius, it may have been that the ages of the daughters and the pupils did not match or that the marriages took place at different times. We do not know any of these facts. To think that Confucius did what he did in order to avoid suspicion is greatly mistaken. Even a worthy does not do things in order to avoid suspicion. How much less does a sage!

13. QUESTION: According to principle, it seems that one should not marry a widow. What do you think?

ANSWER: Correct. Marriage is a match. If one takes someone who has lost her integrity to be his own match, it means he himself has lost his integrity.

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FURTHER QUESTION: In some cases the widows are all alone, poor, and with no one to depend on. May they remarry?

ANSWER: This theory has come about only because people of later generations are afraid of starving to death. But to starve to death is a very small matter. To lose one’s integrity, however, is a very serious matter.”

14. [CHENG HAO] To leave parents or children who are sick in bed to a quack doctor is tantamount to having no parental affection or filial piety. In serving parents, one should know something about medicine.

15. [CHENG YI] At his father’s funeral, Master Cheng asked Zhou Gongshu to take charge of receiving the guests. A guest wanted wine. When Gongshu told the Teacher, the Teacher said, “Do not lead people to do wrong.”

16. In most cases employing a wetnurse is unavoidable. If the mother is unable to feed her child, someone must be employed. However, it is wrong to kill another mother’s child as a result of feeding one’s own child.30 If a wetnurse is absolutely necessary, employ two so that the milk for two babies can be used to feed three. In that case, any eventuality can be taken care of. If one of the wetnurses becomes sick or even dies, there will be no harm to one’s own child and one will not be killing another person’s child as a result of feeding one’s own. The only thing is that it is expensive to employ two. [But if only one is employed and she dies] and something should happen to her child, what greater harm can there be?

[From
Reflections on Things at Hand,
trans. Wing-tsit Chan (New York: Columbia University Press, 1967), pp. 171–182, modified and with deletions]

Document 6–18

Following are items of instructions to be observed: 1. Instructions to members of community units
(baowu)
on matters about which they should encourage and remind each other: All members should encourage and remind each other to be filial to parents, respectful to elders, cordial to clansmen and relatives, and helpful to neighbors.

Each should perform his assigned duty and engage in his primary occupation.

None should commit vicious acts or thefts, or indulge in drinking or gambling.

They should not fight with or sue each other.

If there are filial sons or grandsons, or righteous husbands and virtuous wives, and their deeds are noteworthy, they should be reported. The government, in accordance with provisions of the statutes, will reward them and honor them with banners. Those who do not follow instructions should be reported, examined, and punished in accordance with the law.

2. Injunctions to members of community units on matters of which they should mutually watch and investigate each other: People should always be alert to save water, prevent fire, investigate thefts and robberies, and prevent infighting.31 Do not sell salt that is privately pro-420

duced,32 or kill plow oxen. They should not gamble with their properties. Nor should they spread or practice demon religion
(mojiao)
.33 People in the same community unit should watch each other. Anyone who is aware of a crime but fails to report it will share in the punishment.

3. Instructions to gentlemen
(shi)
and commoners
(min):
People should understand that our body originates from our parents and that brothers come from the same source. Thus, we are endowed by nature with a feeling of obligation to parents and brothers, most profound and grave. What makes us love our parents or respect our elder brothers is not forced but comes spontaneously from the original mind-and-heart. And this love is inexhaustible.

Now some people are unfilial to parents and disrespectful to brothers. They often violate their parents’ instructions and commands and even fail to provide for them; they easily become angry and fight with their brothers and even refuse to help them out. They defy Heaven and violate all principles. I deeply lament and feel sorry for them. They should urgently reform their conduct, otherwise they will invite immediate disaster.

4. Instructions to gentlemen and commoners: It should be understood that the marital relationship between husband and wife is chief among the human moral relationships.34 The rites and laws regarding betrothal and engagements are very strict. However, the customs of this region include what is called “looking after someone,” that is, living openly with a woman who is neither a wife nor a concubine. Another is called “elope-ment,” when two people who are not betrothed seduce each other and flee in secrecy. No violating of the rites and breaking of the law is more serious. The offenders should urgently reform so as to avoid punishment.