Shame On Me (11 page)

“I think its just wishful thinking darlin’.”

“Then why are they planning a trip to the Pocono’s for Christmas like we’re already a family? How do they know we didn’t want to spend it with them separately?”

“Do you?”

“No, but they shouldn’t assume that we don’t want to.”

“Darlin’ why are you getting yourself worked up over things that you don’t care about? My mom loves hearing about sex as much as your mom loves talking about it. My dad likes how laid back your dad is and I think its good for him. My dad is always busy doing something and never takes the time to just enjoy that moment. Our parents are the perfect fit for each other, so let them enjoy it.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry for being a brat.”

“You’re always a brat.”

“Hey!”

We wrestle until we’re both panting and desire has kicked in. All it takes is one look from him and I’m ready to jump on his face.

****

We spend the rest of the weekend on the beach and hanging out with our parents. We are heading home tomorrow but my parents are staying for a few more days to soak up some more sun and hang out with the Grants.

Chapter Fifteen

Compromise

Three months later…November

Ava is stressing big time about her wedding and I’m two eye rolls away from slapping her. Ava, Steve, Charlee (Steve’s sister), and I are seated around our kitchen table with a bottle of wine discussing their latest recurring argument.

We met Charlee a few weeks ago at a family dinner that we threw at our house so their immediate families could meet. Imagine our surprise when a curly haired, caramel toned, petite girl was introduced as Steve’s sister. As soon as she opened her mouth we knew that our duo had just become a trio. She’s sarcastic, smart, and don’t take anyone’s crap. Like I said, she fits perfectly.

“I keep telling him I want an early June wedding but he doesn’t want to wait that long.”

“Seven months is a long time.”

“No its not Steve! Charlee can you help me out here?”

“By law I am required to be on my brother’s side so I’m choosing to stay out of it.”

“Will you be on his side when you find out he’s not hiring you?”

“I’m not going to be your photographer?” Charlee is staring at Steve and it’s hard to miss how hurt she is. When Ava sees that she’s hurt Charlee, the triumphant look she had earlier quickly leaves her face.

“It’s not that you’re not a great photographer Lee, I just want you to have fun and not work. Please don’t be mad at me Lee.”

“I’m completely pissed at you Stebie! How could you do this to me?”

Stebie?

“I’ve been looking out for you since you were three and you showed up on my doorstep. Please do this for me.”

“I didn’t show up on your doorstep, I was adopted!”

“And I have loved you ever since Lee Lee.”

“It’s not going to work this time Stebie. I’m hurt that you don’t think I’ll do a good job.”

“I know that you’ll do a phenomenal job but I want my Lee Lee by my side when I get married. Can you do that for me?”

“I guess so,” she mumbles.

Steve looks to Ava and smiles. “I know what you were trying to do but it didn’t work. Now back to us getting married in April.”

“We are not getting married in April Steve! I need more time to pull this off.”

“Ava sweetheart, enough is enough!” Everyone looks at me in surprise. “There has to be compromise in a marriage, so you both have to meet in the middle. Either give in and have an April wedding or give him something he really wants in exchange for waiting until June.” I watch her as she twirls her hair around her finger in deep thought.

“Yeah maybe,” she mumbles distractedly. “What would you want for waiting until June?”

“Hmm, how bad do you want a June wedding?”

“Really bad.”

“Then I want two things and you can’t put any limitations on it.”

“What are they?”

“You have to agree first then we’ll talk about what I want.”

“Fine, but you’re lucky I really want my wedding in June.”

“Then it’s a deal.”

“Are my maid of honor duties officially done for tonight?”

“I guess so.”

“Good because I need some attention from Ethan.”

“I didn’t know you had a date tonight.”

“I don’t; he’s home asleep and I plan to climb in bed with him.” His job is short staffed and I hardly get to see him lately.

“You got it bad for him,” Ava says and Charlee bursts out laughing.

“Shut up.”

I miss him and there is nothing that will stop me from seeing him. So I jump out of my car and let myself in with the key he gave me two months ago. I quietly creep up the stairs and take the first door on the left. Ethan has a night light air freshener so I’m able to see his shirtless form laying face down. I quickly strip down to my cami and panties before I crawl into bed with him. Before I can pull the covers over me he speaks.

“What are you doing here darlin’?” I glance over at him and see that his eyes are still closed.

“I miss you.”

“I miss you too but I told you not to come over.”

Well excuse the hell out of me.

I become instantly pissed and begin to make my way out of bed. Before I can get away his arm wraps around my stomach and he hauls me to his side.

“Don’t be mad darlin’. I told you not to come because I have to be back at the hospital in four hours. But I’m glad you came.”

My stiff body relaxes after his declaration, which he takes as a sign to throw the covers over me and snuggle.

“I never get to see you anymore.”

“I know and I’m sorry but two new people will be starting soon and we’ll be back to normal.”

“When will they start?”

“In a few weeks.”

Weeks?! I want us to be back to normal now! He’s so overworked that all he does on his days off is sleep. I’m trying to be considerate, but it’s hard going from seeing him four days a week to once a week (if I’m lucky). I don’t want to nag him and he really does need his rest so I pretend to fall asleep so he will relax enough to conk out again. By the time his alarm goes off I have decided that something has got to give. I understand his dilemma but I need more from him than a text message every three days.

****

As we silently get dressed I can feel his eyes on me.

“Darlin’ I know you’re upset.”

“Ethan I’m trying to be understanding and reasonable but we need to spend some time together. I know you’re busy and I’m trying my best to not stress you out with my nagging, but a relationship takes two people and I can’t do it on my own.”

He crosses the room and cups my cheek before speaking. “I know baby and I’m sorry. I’m going to try harder but you have to work with me. If I say don’t come over its not because I don’t miss you; its because when I’m around you I never want to leave you and it makes going to work ten times harder. We may be having a few dinner dates at my job for the next few weeks but I’ll make it up to you.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

“Okay I’ll stay away when you ask but be prepared to be stalked.”

“Deal,” he chuckles before hustling us out of the house.

****

I wish I could say that it got better over the next few weeks, but I’m sure you can guess what happened. We’re arguing more than ever and instead of acknowledging that we’re both just stressed, we point accusing fingers at each other. After a particularly juvenile fight he tried to make it up by sending me flowers but I rejected the delivery. Later that day Steve shows up at my house with a letter.

“Can you two please fix this, and stop making me feel like we’re in junior high passing notes before health class?”

“Sorry,” I mumble with my eyes pointed at the floor.

I hear him sigh and my eyes meet his. “He loves you and feels like you’re slipping away and there’s nothing he can do about it. He can’t call out and risk getting fired while looking for a new place to live.”

Ava is moving into Steve and Ethan’s place after the wedding, so Ethan has to find a new place to live. I know this and I’m making him feel bad for having to work. I’m the worst kind of bitch. A tear slips out before I can stop it. I try to swipe it away before he notices but I’m not quick enough.

“Read the letter,” he softly suggests.

Once it’s placed in my hands Steve quickly leaves the house. Ava is out doing wedding stuff with her mom but I don’t want to risk her catching me reading the letter; so I run to my bathroom and settle myself on the counter before opening it.

****

Darlin’,

I don’t want you to disappear out of my life. I believe that what we have can last forever, please don’t allow us to fade away. I love you more than you think I do and I’ll spend my entire life proving it to you, until my dying breath.

Always,

Your Ethan

****

My Ethan.

My Ethan.

My Ethan.

I repeat his signature over and over as I hold his letter to my chest. How could I forget how sweet this man can be? It’s one of the reasons why I love him. I need to fix this! My mind focuses on the perfect response before I text him.

****

My Ethan,

My love for you will never fade away. I love you and will fight for us. I’m sorry.

Forever Yours,

Ethan’s Mia

****

When I get off from work later, Ethan calls me and stays on the phone with me until 4am. He’s due in to work at 9am and I make sure he knows that I appreciate him sacrificing precious sleep for me.

Chapter Sixteen

Sometimes It Hurts

Those new hires fell through and two more nurses quit a week later. The staff on his ward is stretched thin and I’m afraid he’s going to burn out soon. On his days off we try to go out to dinner but sometimes his schedule will change unexpectedly due to an emergency. Most of the time he doesn’t have time to cancel so I usually end up sitting at the restaurant alone. Being stood up sucks but I promised him that I would fight for us and I meant it.

After being stood up so many times I talked Kate into giving me an hour break everyday so I can meet Ethan at his job for his twenty-minute dinner break.  I hate only seeing him for twenty minutes a day, but if it allows me to see him everyday then I’ll do it with a smile on.

****

During one of our dinner dates in the cafeteria, I notice a nurse staring at us while we eat.

“Who’s that?”

“Karen,” he says matter-of-factly without breaking eye contact with me.

“Why is she staring?”

“She’s my ex.”

Whoa what?

“When did your ex start working here?”

“I don’t work with her, she works on another ward.”

“You didn’t answer the question.”

“Four weeks ago.”

“The same time you began standing me up?”

“It’s not like that.”

“Then what’s it like Ethan?” I begin rubbing my forehead and Ethan looks worried.

“We only see each other if she’s pulled to help out on my ward, and even then my ward has to be extremely short handed.”

“Did you ever hang out with her on break?”

“No.”

“Has
she
ever hung out with you while
you
were on break?”

Silence.

Wow.

“How many times have you hung out together while I was being stood up?”

More silence.

Shit.

I mouth ‘wow’ but no sound escapes the vise squeezing my throat.

“Hanging out with her isn’t a big deal.”

“Not a big deal?”

“Can we talk about this later? I have to get back to work.”

“No, the time to talk is now.”

“I can’t talk now; I have to get back to work. Come by the house later and we’ll talk,” he says cleaning our table off.

“You go home and wait for me to show up. When the minutes turn to hours, see how far your mind wanders. See how much it hurts to not be important enough to get a courtesy call.”

“Come on darlin’, don’t be like that.”

“How am I not supposed to be? Am I not supposed to be pissed that you were hanging out with your ex while I was being stood up? How about you go home and wait for me to show up tonight. When I don’t show up will you wonder if I stood you up to hang out with someone else? What if I was out enjoying dinner with an ex while you watched the clock?” His eyes are shooting daggers at me but I cut him off before he can respond. “Why are you getting angry? It isn’t a big deal, remember?” I say with sugar falling off of each syllable. Ethan runs a frustrated hand through his hair and looks at me with pleading eyes. I’m too angry to hear anything he has to say and he knows it.