Shame On Me (13 page)

****

I don’t sleep. I stay on the back porch and re-live every day I had with him. This stupid vodka isn’t working! I’m missing him like crazy, so at 4am I get the brilliant idea that I should text him. I frantically look for my phone and find it stuck in a plotted plant. How did it get there? No point in pondering when I have a boyfriend to win back.

Me: Hi.

Him: Hey.

Me: WYD?

Him: Trying to sleep.

Me: I’m sorry.

Him: For waking me or breaking my heart?

Me: Both.

Him: I’m not ready for this conversation.

Me: We should get back together.

Him: We have issues that we need to fix.

Me: Lets fix them.

Him: If it were that easy we wouldn’t have any to begin with.

He’s right. Damn it why does he have to be right?

Me: What do you suggest we do?

Him: Date other people.

My heart is racing so fast I think it might explode!

Me: Is that what you really want?

Him: No, but I can’t be with someone who doesn’t trust me. I have to play the hand that I was dealt.

Me: Lets reshuffle the cards.

Him: Our breakup is the reshuffle. Maybe dating other people will be good for us.

Me: How?

Him: Maybe it’ll show us that we’re better apart.

Me: I don’t want to lose you.

Him: I told you that I’m not ready for this conversation. I just need some space.

Me: You promised you’d never let me go.

Him: I didn’t let you go. You let me go. Remember?

I don’t answer because my heart is being ripped out of my chest and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Nothing
. I resume my drinking as I imagine
my
Ethan touching, laughing, and falling in love with another woman. I’m going to need way more heartbreak elixir.

****

I must’ve passed out because I wake up to Ava talking on the phone.

“No its bad.”

Silence.

“She won’t talk to anyone! Steve, Charlee, and the boys stopped by and she looked right through them. It’s like she’s sleep walking. I’ve been holding off her parents but I don’t know how much longer they’re gonna buy that she’s on her bill and is just moody.”

What? When were they here? I must be drunker than I thought; but not drunk enough to forget. With that thought a tear slips out of my eye and I quickly wipe it away.

“Thanks Kate,” she whispers.

Kate?

“No, if she’s not acting like herself by the end of the week then I’ll kick her ass myself.”

I hear her heels clicking their way to the back deck and I feign sleep. I know she’s standing over me and will stand there all day if she has to. I peek up at her and see her narrowed eyes focused on me with her hands on her hips.

Uh oh, Ava’s pissed.

“I know you’re heartbroken but you have got to let somebody in.” I raise the bottle to my lips but she snatches it away at the last minute. “You are going to get your stank butt in the shower, eat, do your hair, and clean your room. When I get home tonight we will drink together and cry but after tonight you are going to pull yourself together.” Once she is done saying her piece she turns on her heels and leaves me to it.

Chapter Nineteen

Never Again

I promptly decide to ignore her and find my hidden stash of vodka under her bed. I knew she would never look for it there and I was right. I curl back up in the hammock and am there for a while before I feel someone get in with me. I get a whiff of cocoa butter and I start to cry in earnest.

“Mom.”

“Shh, baby I know.”

“I messed up.”

“It’s okay Amelia. We all make mistakes.”

“He’s going to move on without me.”

“Why do you say that?”

“He really hates me now and I pushed him to it.”

She soothingly rubs my arm for a while before she speaks. “The way I see it is he’s just trying to protect himself. Either he will make good on his threat and move on or he’ll come to his senses and work it out with you.”

“I don’t know Mom. I was being stubborn because I was hurt and didn’t want to listen to what he had to say.”

Her arm tightens around me and she lays her head on top of mine. “You are stubborn just like me and like me, you learn well from your mistakes. We may mess up but we come back in a big way. Just wait honey; you’ll get your chance to fix it and when you do, you’ll never let him go again.”

“You promise?”

“Yes honey, I promise.”

“So what do I do now?”

“Well for starters you’re going to get yourself out of this hammock and bathe.”

“Do I smell that bad?”

“Absolutely.”

“Mom!” We both laugh and it feels good to do it.

“Then you’re going to take life moment by moment. Don’t worry about next month or next week, just concentrate on that task at that moment. You were always too focused on the end result and never learned to enjoy the ride. If you two are meant to be you’ll get back together but until then go out and enjoy living.”

“Do you think we’re meant to be?”

“Absolutely.”

“How do you know?”

“Who do you think called and told me you needed me?”

I take a moment to allow her statement to sink in before I speak. “How do I fix it when it comes time to?”

“That’s easy; just jump.”

I snuggle in closer to her and take in the fact that she’s here instead of dad.

“Where’s Daddy?”

“At home. I decided it was time for me to fix things.”

“What do you mean?”

“When you decided to move out and live with Noah I should have handled things better. I’m not saying that I wasn’t entitled to my opinion but I could have expressed it better. I definitely should have tried to fix things when you pulled away from me. I was wrong and I’m sorry.”

“I was young, impressionable, and wrong. I never should’ve moved out and I should have mended things with both of you; not just Dad.”

“I love you love bug.”

“Love you more Mom.”

We lay in the hammock for another hour talking about nothing and everything at the same time. Eventually I hoist myself out of the hammock ready for something new.

“See there, it’s just like when you were a child. You never let anyone push you to do something; you had to come in to it on your own. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

I did so instead of responding I hug her and hold on tight.

****

After my bath and taming my hair I call the boys to check in and call Charlee to invite her over for drinks and explain to her what to wear. We tend to sit around for hours talking so it’s important to be properly dressed for it.

I then clean up the patio, my room, and take out the trash. By the time Ava walks in, with ingredients for pomegranate martinis, I’m starting to feel somewhat normal. When Ava goes to her room to change into the uniform for our heartbreak drink fest (yoga pants and sweatshirts), Charlee arrives with two pizzas.

While mixing our drinks I can tell that Charlee is itching to dive right into our talk, but I quickly stop her. “Ava and I have been through this enough times to know that we must have three drinks each before we talk about the breakup.” Charlee stares at me for a few moments before nodding and grabbing a slice of pizza. I’m pouring our drinks into martini glasses when Ava finally joins us.

****

I’m sipping from my fifth martini when I begin to cry. “Are you ready to talk now?” Ava asks.

“I miss him. I didn’t prepare my heart to never have moments with Ethan again. Never hear him laugh with me,
never
see him in my kitchen again,
never
have him console me again, or
never
see him trip over his shoe in the dark again. Just a lifetime of never again. I know I instigated the breakup but I was hurt. Now that I’ve calmed down I realize that I should have listened him.” I take a moment to sniffle and calm myself before speaking again. “I was so busy being in my feelings that I took for granted how good we were together; and now he wants to see other people. We’ll never be together again. Never.” I softly say to my drink.

When I look up I see that Ava is looking down into her drink and discreetly swiping her eyes. Charlee is staring at her lap but from the number of sniffles coming from her I know she’s close to tears. I hear Ava clear her throat and I turn my attention to her.

“You may not want to hear this, but this is a good thing.” She holds up her hands when my back stiffens in indignation. “Hear me out. Both of you will see how shallow the dating pool is and how great you two fit together. Trust me, you’ll be running back to each other after a few dates.”

“What if we never get back together?”

“Then he doesn’t deserve you.”

“But I deserve him,” I mumble into my drink.

“Mia, sweetheart look at me.” I put my drink down and give Charlee my undivided attention. “I know you love him but if you want him back then you’ve got to show him what he’s missing. No one expects you to get over this breakup tomorrow but you do have to start somewhere. So start with getting dressed and eating, the next day add going to work; do this for a while and one day it won’t seem like an uphill battle to smile and talk to friends. It’ll feel natural and you’ll begin to feel like yourself again. You took the first step today so tomorrow go to work for an hour. If it feels okay at the end of that hour then work another and another. Do this until you’re ready to go home. Getting over a broken heart is difficult and there’s no need to pretend like it isn’t; but you have to at least
try
.”

I silently nod and pick up my drink to finish it. Charlee is right; I have to start living sometime, so why not tomorrow? I gulp down the remainder of my drink and walk our glasses to the kitchen. When I return to the comfy room empty handed they look confused.

“If I’m going to work tomorrow I don’t want to be hung over. Charlee are staying over?”

“No I’m taking a cab home.”

“Okay, good night ladies.” I wave and head upstairs to my room.

As I lay on my bed I consider all Ava has done for me while I was in my fog and the advice Charlee just gave me. I owe these ladies big time and I’ll make it up to them when my head is clearer.

Chapter Twenty

Letting Go

Two weeks later…Wednesday

I haven’t completely made it back to the old me but I am better. I wish that I could say that the journey back to me has been enlightening and that I’m better for having gone through it, but I don’t feel that way at all.

The first week I had to force myself to get dressed, go to work, be social, and hang out with friends. By Monday these tasks got a little easier, Tuesday I planned my surprise for Ava, and today I relapsed.

****

It happened when I was on a shopping spree and saw Ethan exit a restaurant connected to the mall. He and a blonde are holding hands and walking to the parking lot. I hide behind the car next to mine and watch them over the trunk.

She could be his cousin right? Just when I convince my heart that she’s a cousin up visiting from Georgia, she sticks her tongue down his throat. I can’t tear my eyes off of them even though I’m freezing. I watch for quite a while as he paws at her ass in a way that he’s never done to mine.

My fingers ache from gripping the trunk of this random car as I watch the man I love make out with another woman. I have to get out of here! I rush back to my car and peel out of the parking lot. Its way too early to go to work but I have no where else to go.

Kate allows me to work an earlier shift but when it’s time to clock out she refuses to let me go home and wallow. I’m forced onto a stool and force fed fries and vodka. The bar is busy tonight (due to it being karaoke night) and after a few shots I’m left to my own devices. Kate knows I’m in no condition to drive so she calls Ava to come keep me company.

Ava is taking too long and the vodka in my system has convinced me that it’s time to grace the microphone with my presence. My heart is aching so I decide to sing my favorite heartbreak anthem.

“Hello Eternally Young!” I’m greeted with cheers and whistles. “I recently had my heartbroken so I dedicate this to all of you who are trying to let that person go.”

When the first few notes of the music begin to play I scan the crowd and see a few women close their eyes or fidget with their hands and a few men stare at their drinks or feet in an attempt to forget losing the one they loved. I owe it to them and myself to sing this song like my soul is aching; and I do.

I close my eyes and belt out Adel’s “Someone Like You” like I just watched the person I love walk out of my life with someone else. When I’m done the bar is completely silent. I open my eyes and the room erupts in a mixture of deafening applause and whistles.