She Never Knew (3 page)

Michael was an
orphan until he became of age to leave on his own, so his parents weren’t
around for her to confide in. It had been six years since their deaths and she
missed them all terribly.

Realizing how
quiet the house had become, Kat decided to check on Tyler. After she set the
lasagna on a cooling rack, she turned off the oven and put away her oven mitts.
She removed her apron and hung it on the back of one of the kitchen chairs. Rubbing
her hands together, she walked through a small hallway that led into the foyer.
When she reached her front door, she peered out the glass front and noticed
that storm clouds were starting to roll in. She saw the birdfeeder had been
knocked to the ground and deduced that the wind was to blame.
Better bring
an umbrella to class tonight, she thought.

She turned
toward the banister and began her ascent to the top of the stairs. Tyler’s room
was at the end of the hallway. Kat loved the feeling of carpet underneath her
bare feet. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw one of Tyler’s matchbox cars
tucked in the angle of the third step. She bent down to pick it up and curled
it in her hand.

When she reached
the top of the landing, she turned toward Tyler’s room. The door was closed with
a sign dangling from a tack that stated that no girls were allowed.
That
doesn’t include me, she thought happily.
She gently knocked on Tyler’s door
and waited for her invitation to enter.

“Come in!” a
small voice sang.

Kat opened the
door and saw her son sitting Indian-style on the carpet. In front of him on the
floor was an interactive United States map he’d gotten for his fifth birthday
from Kat. It was the size of a large poster board attached to a thick cardboard
frame. In his left hand was a Pointer device that had a tip at one end. When
the tip pressed against the map, an electronic voice unveiled information about
that particular selection.

When Tyler saw
his mother standing in the doorway with a smile on her face, his face broke out
into a wide grin. “Hi Mommy!”

“Hi, Tyler! What
do you have there?” Kat walked into Tyler’s room and handed him the little car
she had found on the stairs. Then she sat down next to him.

“Mommy, watch
this!” Excitedly, Tyler pressed the tip of the Pointer in the area designated
as the state of North Carolina. The interactive voice responded, “North
Carolina.”

“North
Carolina!” Tyler repeated.

“Very good!” Kat
praised. “Can you tell me what the capital of North Carolina is?”

“Raleigh!” Tyler
exclaimed proudly.

“That’s right!
How about the capital of Florida?” she prompted.

“Tallahassee!”

“Massachusetts?”

“Boston!” Tyler
screamed. Obviously pleased with himself, Tyler clapped his hands and then
rolled onto the floor with his feet up in the air. Kat leaned over and began to
tickle his feet. He squealed with delight then stood up so that he was the same
height as his mother. At forty-two inches, he was tall for his age. With a
glint in his eye, Tyler charged forward into his mother, nearly knocking her
down. Both of them laughed.

“You are so
smart!” Kat wrapped her arms around her son, squeezing him lightly. She kissed
the top of his head and breathed in the scent of the lavender shampoo that
lingered in his hair from his bath the night before.

“Mommy?”

“Yes, sweetie?”

“Where’s my
daddy?”

Her heart sank
when she saw the sad expression on Tyler’s face. She knew where this was coming
from. She gave him another squeeze and said, “Come, let’s go sit on your bed.”

Kat raised
herself to a standing position and extended her arms out downward. Tyler
reached for Kat’s hands and tried to pull himself up. When Kat helped him up,
she led him to the unmade full-sized bed that made Tyler appear tiny when he
slept in it. His CARS comforter was pulled back about half way down and Froggy,
his beloved stuffed animal, peeked out from behind the rumpled sheets.

Kat sat down on
Tyler’s bed and patted the area next to her so he could sit with her. After he
climbed onto the bed and joined his mother, both of them leaned back against
the headboard. Kat reached for Tyler’s hand and kissed it gently.

“Sweetheart, I
know this has been bothering you for a while now.” Tyler nodded, looking
sullen. At day camp, many of the children were picked up by their fathers. He
had asked her before why he didn’t have a daddy to pick him up like the other
kids did.

“Where is he,
Mommy? Where is my daddy?” Tyler rested his head on Kat’s shoulder and sighed.

“Your daddy is
in heaven.” Kat began, her heart heavy. “He lives with God and all of His
angels.”

Tyler said, “But
why did he have to go to Heaven?”

“Because God is
taking care of him now.” Kat stroked Tyler’s hair. “Do you remember when I told
you that your daddy was in a car accident?”

Tyler nodded,
grabbing Froggy for comfort. “And it was a really bad accident, right Mommy?”
He began sucking his thumb.

God, she hated
lying to Tyler, but she felt that she didn’t have a choice. She couldn’t very
well tell her son that his biological father had raped his mother. Besides, he
was too young to understand the truth. As far as she was concerned, Michael was
Tyler’s father, even though he and Kat were never intimate. She made a mental
note to call her pastor. He would give her some sound advice.

Kat nodded her
head, recalling her reaction when the doctors told her that Michael and her
parents died on impact. “Yes, a really bad one. Your daddy had so many boo boos
that his body couldn’t fix them. His body was very tired so God decided He
would take care of your daddy in Heaven.”

Wide-eyed, Tyler
sat up suddenly and turned toward his mother. “But, will he come back to us?”

Kat shook her
head. “No, sweetheart. Once someone goes to Heaven, they stay there forever.”

Tyler leaned
back against the headboard, studying Froggy. His small fingers pushed the
buttons on Froggy’s chest, and a nighttime lullaby began to play. “And Grammy
and Grampy, too? They’re never coming back too, right?”

Although Tyler
was born after their deaths, Kat talked about her parents a great deal to
Tyler. It was so unfair as Kat knew how much they would have adored Tyler and
how proud they would have been of him.

Kat replied,
“That’s right. They will live with God forever and forever.”

“And someday we
will see them in Heaven, right Mommy?”

“Right.” Kat
leaned over to the side of Tyler’s bed and reached for the picture frame of
Michael and her parents that sat on a night table. In the picture, Michael
stood behind Kat’s parents with a proud smile on his face. Kat’s parents were
smiling, proud as well. The picture was taken on the day of Kat’s graduation
ceremony. The three of them had stood in front of the university’s
administration building, and Michael had worn Kat’s graduation cap on his head.
There were big smiles all around and sparkles in their eyes.

Kat’s smile
faded into sadness as she remembered her final moments with her sister. She and
Mary had been at the cemetery with immediate family members, their heads bent
in prayer as the pastor concluded parting wishes. Although Kat was numb with
grief, she was quiet during the service while Mary openly sobbed. Their
mother’s sister and brother had embraced Mary and when Kat tried to do the
same, her sister had lashed out at her.

“This is all your
fault!” she had screamed at Kat, tears streaming down her face. “None of this
would’ve happened if it weren’t for you!”

Kat had
recoiled, feeling stung beyond words as she watched her sister turn her back
and drop to the ground next to the burial plots. Their aunt immediately
crouched down next to her, rubbing her back. Mary began whimpering at that
point, rocking herself back and forth.

“I—I’m so sorry,”
Kat whispered, her eyes bright with fresh tears. She clamped a hand over her
mouth as she stared at her uncle in bewilderment. He shook his head slightly and
held up a palm to indicate that she should give Mary her space. Close friends
stepped back while others left, upset and dismayed by the outburst.

After what
seemed like an eternity, Mary finally rose and turned to face Kat. It was
obvious how angry she was and despite her efforts to maintain composure, she
fumed at Kat, pointing her finger at her.

“You did this.
If you hadn’t—”

“Mary—” Kat reached
out, desperate for her sister to see reason, but Mary wasn’t finished with her
yet.

“—If you hadn’t
dragged them across the country, they would still be alive!” she raged, slapping
Kat in the face hard. “What were you thinking?”

There was a
collective gasp as the remaining onlookers stood frozen, shocked from what they
had just witnessed. All eyes were on the sisters as the pastor quickly intervened.

Kat felt ill as
her sister continued her tirade. Her face burned and her head felt dizzy. She
thought she would faint but snapped back to reality when Mary again raised her
voice.

“You think
you
feel sick? How do you think the rest of us feel?” Mary glared at Kat, waving
her hand at the few who remained. It was an awkward and embarrassing moment as
people stood around uncomfortably, unsure of what to do. Uncle Chucky and Aunt Barbara
stood quietly, holding each other for support. Kat couldn’t believe her eyes.
Did
everyone blame her for her parents’ deaths? Were they for real?

When Kat tried
to speak, nothing came out. Instead, she hung her head and began to cry. No one
came to her rescue as Mary uttered her final words to Kat.

“I don’t
ever
want to see you again,” she seethed. “I will never forgive you for this!” Before
Kat could respond, Mary stormed off. Through blurry vision, Kat watched her
sister stagger her way across the cemetery to the parking lot. Feeling alone
and helpless, Kat stood rooted for a long time as she observed her parents’
friends and remaining family members slowly depart. One of her father’s
friends, a lawyer, wished her well and said he would be in touch to discuss her
parents’ estate. Her aunt and uncle were among the last to leave.

A luncheon had
been scheduled at her aunt’s house immediately following the service, but Kat
didn’t attend. She didn’t want a continuation of what transpired at the
cemetery and besides, she was still reeling from the chain of events. Instead,
she returned to her parents’ house where she found solace. She spent an hour there,
wandering from room to room, studying their contents, and remembering the
things she and Mary used to do together when they were children.

Sitting on her
bed that she slept in as a child, her thoughts drifted to Michael. A tear slid
on her cheek as she recalled his last words to her before he left to take her
parents to the airport. After he had teased her about her sprained ankle, he
made sure she was comfortably resting in bed. He had joked that when he
returned, they would walk to the hotel’s dining room for dinner as a
three-legged person. Then they would attempt a three-legged dance afterwards.
Later that evening, they would order dessert through room service.

But none of
those things ever happened. Michael never came back to her. Her parents never
returned home. Nothing would ever be the same again.

Wiping her tears
away, Kat meandered into the family room. She mused over framed photos
displayed on the mantel and was reminded of the many vacations she and Mary had
taken with their parents over the years.

In the foyer, a
large portrait of her parents hung prominently on the wall. Kat had had the
portrait made in honor of their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary and they had
loved it. It was the perfect memoir for Kat to display in her apartment next to
the portrait of Michael and her. She couldn’t explain it, but she felt her
parents would have wanted her to have it.

As she looked
around, Kat knew that at some point, she and Mary would need to start sorting
through her parents’ belongings. In fact, she dreaded the process of saying
goodbye and never returning to her childhood home. She pushed the thought from
her mind and called her aunt.

When her aunt
answered the phone, the luncheon was in full swing. Aunt Barbara wasn’t
surprised to hear that Kat had gone to her parents’ house directly after the
service. When Kat asked if it was a good time for her to swing by, her aunt
admonished her. After what happened at the cemetery, she felt that her presence
would only upset the family members, especially Mary. No, it wasn’t a good idea
to attend the luncheon. No, she shouldn’t stay at the house. Yes, she should
leave and fly back south to her apartment. Her aunt and uncle would take care
of her parents’ estate.

Her aunt’s words
stung Kat to the core. She felt like an outsider and knew that deep down, her
family held her responsible for the loss of her parents. It really was her
fault. If it weren’t for her, they would still be alive today. If she hadn’t
suggested vacationing another week after her graduation, they wouldn’t have
died. No matter how one looked at it, she was ultimately to blame.