She Never Knew (8 page)

“Thank you,” she
whispered. Her voice was shaky and her shoulders were trembling. “I—I didn’t
realize how hard this was going to be.”

“It’s okay. It’s
okay.” Pastor Cullen reassured her. “Kat, I am going to get you some water.
Just stay right here and I’ll be right back, okay?

Kat nodded, her
hands shaking. When Pastor Cullen left the office, she reached for another
tissue and blew her nose. Taking several deep breaths, she blinked her eyes
several times in efforts to clear the blurriness her tears had caused. After
she patted her face dry, she looked up at the ceiling and prayed.
God,
please give me strength.

Pastor Cullen
returned with two bottles of water in his hands. Kat looked up as he entered and
gratefully accepted the drink from him. “Thank you,” she said.

“My wife is
always telling me that I drink too much coffee.” He smiled, once again taking
the chair next to Kat. “So, I’ve taken a pledge to drink more water during the
day. Besides, it’s been said that water is better for the soul.” He winked.

Kat let out a
small laugh. “I’ve always loved drinking water. Tyler likes to pour me water
from the spout in the fridge. He tells me, ‘Mommy, drinking water flushes out
the bad germs in your body’ but I think it just makes me go to the bathroom
more.”

Pastor Cullen
and Kat laughed. Feeling more at ease, Kat took another breath before speaking
again. “I’m sorry I lost it back there.”

“It’s quite all
right.” Pastor Cullen said soothingly. “You are a human being with human
feelings and sometimes you just have to unload those burdens eventually.” He
paused as he looked at Kat, his eyes kind and caring. Leaning forward and
taking her hand, he said, “I will do whatever I can to help you get through
this.”

Kat looked at
her pastor with a sad smile. “Thank you. That means a lot to me.” She opened
her water bottle and took a healthy swallow before continuing. “Anyway, Michael
and I—Michael was my fiancé. We were engaged to be married. Tyler isn’t his.
Uh—we wanted to wait until we were married.”

Pastor Cullen
nodded in appreciation. “That is admirable. Is it safe to assume it was your
faith that led you to continue with your pregnancy?”

Kat nodded.
“Yes. As angry and hurt as I felt, I knew abortion wasn’t the solution. I also
knew I couldn’t give up my baby for adoption.”

Pastor Cullen
continued to listen intently as Kat spoke. “This may sound strange, but I think
being pregnant saved me.”

“How do you
mean?” Pastor Cullen prompted, reaching for his water bottle.

Kat responded,
“Knowing that there was a new life, this tiny human being inside of me gave me
the strength to accept what had happened. It gave me the power to bring the
pregnancy to term. I had lost my parents too, so I….”

Fighting back
tears, Kat went on. “I felt very alone. My parents were no longer alive, and
even though I have a sister, I didn’t tell her about it. We haven’t spoken in
years. She blames me for our parents’ deaths. And Michael was an orphan so he
had no family members that he knew of.”

Pastor Cullen
said slowly, “That must have been a very difficult time for you.”

“I think I was
in shock or something. I felt numb for a long time but managed to keep going
for the sake of the baby.” She smiled at Pastor Cullen. “I love Tyler so much
that I can’t imagine my life without him.”

Pastor Cullen
digested Kat’s words as he sat in his chair. With a deep breath, he leaned
forward to take Kat’s hands into his own. “No matter what happened to you and
no matter how long the healing process takes, always remember God is your
Redeemer.” He closed his eyes and recited, “Psalm 147:3 tells us, ‘He heals the
broken hearted and binds up their wounds.’” He opened his eyes and released
Kat’s hands. “What this means is that God will help you make the broken things
whole again. He is in a position to redeem you.”

Kat listened to
his words thoughtfully. “Isn’t the book of Psalms about those who have suffered
at the hands of others?” she asked.

“Yes. As
individuals, we can share our feelings with God, both positive and negative. We
can be assured that He will listen to us and understand us. One of the things
we can do when finding God in our struggles is to face what has happened to us
as part of the recovery process.” Pastor Cullen paused, letting his words sink
in. “Have you talked to anyone else about this, Kat?”

“Not many. Rhonda
and Robert know. The doctor who treated me made me a referral to see a
counselor, but I never went.” Kat admitted.

The pastor
nodded in understanding. “How have you been able to deal with your ordeal on
your own?”

“It hasn’t been
easy. It still isn’t. I mean, of course, I ask myself why this happened to me.
Why did my parents have to die? I don’t know which is worse, their deaths or
the fact that the man who raped me was never caught. He—he’s still out there,
somewhere.” Kat’s expression revealed a hint of fear.

“It’s okay, take
your time.” Pastor Cullen soothed. “You are safe here.”

“I lived in
Charltonville when all of this happened. I was recovering in the hospital for
three days and when I was released, I knew I could never stay in my apartment
ever again.” Kat paused to take a sip of her water.

“It took me two
days to pack up all of my belongings. I stayed in a hotel because I was afraid
that monster would come back and possibly kill me.”

“Did you have a
friend with you to help you through this?” the pastor inquired.

“No. All I could
think about was getting my things out of there and getting as far away as
possible. Michael and I had planned on living out here after we got married. We
visited the area several times and liked it so much that we decided we would
make Lakesboro our permanent home. All we had to do was wait until I completed
my studies and fulfilled my contract at work.”

“We had put down
both of our names on the lease agreement on the house I live in now. The owner
had some repairs she wanted to make so that the house would be ready for us to
move in. When I finished my schoolwork, Michael and I flew to Millstone,
Arizona for my graduation ceremony. My parents had flown in from New York to
attend as well. After we celebrated with a nice dinner, Michael and I went to
visit the Grand Canyon. That’s when he proposed.” Kat stared lovingly at the
ring on her finger. “Ever since then, I’ve never taken it off.” She held her
hand up proudly.

“My parents’
flight home was due to return one day earlier than our flight, so Michael drove
them to the airport. I stayed back at the hotel because I had twisted my ankle
earlier that morning.

Pastor Cullen
leaned back in his chair with one hand over his mouth. As he stroked his chin,
Kat could see that his expression demonstrated a realization of what fate had
in store for her.

“Anyway, after
about two hours had passed, I started becoming concerned. I called Michael’s
cell phone, but he didn’t answer. I called the airport, asking if anyone had
seen my parents or Michael. When they told me my parents had not checked in, I
knew something was terribly wrong.”

“I called the
police and explained that my fiancé was bringing my parents to the airport and
that maybe they had car trouble. They transferred me to Highway Patrol and I
had to repeat my concerns to them. I had given them my parents’ names and
Michael’s name, as well as let them know what hotel I was staying at.”

“About an hour
later, there was a knock on my hotel room door. Thinking it was Michael
returning, I yanked it open. It was a state trooper and the look on his face
said it all.” Kat reached for a tissue and dabbed at her eyes.

“I knew right
then and there something horrible had happened. The trooper explained that
there had been a head-on collision on the highway and that there were no
survivors. He was able to identify Michael as the driver by comparing his
driver’s license with the information I had given to him over the phone.”

“He was also able
to determine that it was my parents in the car as well. He said they all died
on impact and that nobody suffered.”

Kat sat there,
frozen for a moment. It was obvious to Pastor Cullen that she was transported
back in time as she recounted the horrific events of that fateful day.

“It was the best
and worst time of my life,” she said sadly.

By this time,
tears had welled up in Pastor Cullen’s eyes. He continued to remain silent,
listening carefully to Kat’s words.

“I had to call
my sister that night and tell her. After the initial shock of making funeral
arrangements wore off, she let me have it one day. She berated me for dragging
my parents all the way across the country. She blamed me for their deaths. We
haven’t spoken in six years.”

Kat dropped her
shoulders, buried her head into her hands, and began to cry.

It was rare when
Pastor Cullen was at a loss for words. He handed Kat another tissue and sat
quietly with her, feeling powerless to help her.

Kat raised her
head and found her voice again. “It was a month later when I was attacked. As
you can imagine, I felt very alone, especially since my sister and I are not on
speaking terms.” Kat paused to take a drink. “She doesn’t know what happened,
nor does she know that she has a nephew.”

Pastor Cullen
looked at Kat with renewed admiration. He said, “Kat, I want you to know
something. First, I want to thank you for being here today. I’m honored you
chose to discuss your concerns with me. You have to know how strong you really
are.”

“Sometimes I
don’t feel very strong,” she muttered, drinking more water.

The pastor
smiled. “I think we all feel that way sometimes. But eventually we get to a
point where we must face what happened as well as face our own reactions to
what happened. When something overwhelms you, you tend to feel weak and
powerless. Somehow, you need to feel your actual pain to be able to deal with
what happened.” He motioned toward his stomach with both hands. “Don’t be
afraid to tell God about your anguish. You are not alone here.” He fisted his hands
for effect. “Invite Him into your struggle with you as the Psalmist does: ‘My
heart is in anguish within me’ but you must be willing to dig deep into your
own reactions.”

Kat stared at
him, wide-eyed. “How on earth do you know all of this?” She reached for another
tissue and blew her nose.

“Years and years
of seminary school.” Pastor Cullen smiled. “No, seriously, I have had my own
demons in the past that I needed to face. It wasn’t easy, but with God’s help,
I became free. It is very important for you to understand that you are
not
alone.”

Suddenly, Kat
felt as though a huge burden had been lifted from her shoulders. Her heart felt
lighter and for the first time in a long time, she felt hope for her future.

“Pastor, you
have no idea how much you’ve helped me already.” Kat said earnestly. “I was
torn about what direction I needed to take and I’m glad I came here.”

“Well, I’m very
glad I could help, although I really didn’t do much.” Pastor Cullen smiled.
“Have you thought about making contact with your sister?”

“Yes. Now that
we’ve had this conversation, I think I will get in touch with her. Her name is
Mary.” Kat paused for a moment, deep in thought. “So much has happened that
I’ve put her in the back of my mind. I just forced myself to get on with life, as
if I didn’t have a choice. But the more I think about her, the more I realize
how much I need her in my life.” She sniffled.

“I think making
contact will be very therapeutic for the both of you,” the pastor agreed.
“Together, you can heal as a family.”

“That brings up the
main reason why I wanted to talk to you today.” Kat revealed.

“Oh?”

“One of the
things I wanted your guidance on was Tyler. He’s been asking questions about
his biological father. I told him that Michael was his father for obvious reasons.
I hate lying to him, but I don’t know how else I can explain why his father
isn’t around, especially since he’s only five years old.”

Pastor Cullen
pondered this for a moment and shook his head. “This is a hard one. We know God
does not condone deceit. However, your intentions are pure, that is, to spare
Tyler of a pain he may not fully understand at his young age. You may one day
decide to tell him the truth about his biological father when he is older. If
you tell him now, he could very well blame himself, similar to the way young
kids blame themselves when their parents divorce. The maturity is not quite
developed yet. Do you see what I’m saying here?”

Kat nodded. “You
make perfect sense.”

“No matter what
you decide to do, it won’t be easy.” Pastor Cullen cautioned.

“I know.” Kat
agreed. “I have a lot to think about here.”

Pastor Cullen
paused for a moment before getting up from his chair. He walked around to the
front of his desk, opened a drawer, removed a business card, and handed it to
Kat.

“This is the
name and number of a psychologist who specializes in situations where there are
multiple traumas involved. One day, when you are ready, you may wish to give
her a call.”