She's Only Seventeen: A Novel of Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll (19 page)

“Well that’s good,” Shane said, “Coz you guys go on very soon.

Kat never told me what was wrong that night but she preformed perfectly.

Kat

May 1990

I couldn’t get Brian out of my head. I felt ashamed of what we had done. Was it an accident? Did I want it? The questions flew through my head. I was a mess. I couldn’t talk to anyone about what I had done, so I bottled it in. so many times I wanted to tell Shane, wanted to tell Tom, but the words couldn’t be formed and I felt more lost than ever.

I had never felt ashamed of sex before. It never felt wrong to me; something so natural could be so… destructive. The thoughts formed in my head as I thought of the nights I spent with Drew, the incidents with Nick, Alex, and James… even Tom.

A hatred began to form in me and I spent my time with my husband, resenting myself and attempting to make it right again. Our marriage, out whole relationship had been based on a lie and how many times had we actually spent happy?

Gary once told me that I feel things very deeply. It was true now more than ever. A blessing and a curse, one that left me disgusted with me, and leaving me with the inability to drag myself out of the dark pit I had dug.

The hardest part was that no one understood. No one noticed or even began to see the changes which were overtaking all of my thoughts. I wanted to run away, start over again, and disappear from this nightmare which had somehow become my life. I remembered how I had such dreams when I had first met Thomas and we had started
Neptune.
Most of those dreams had come true, but still I felt incomplete. Empty, I had destroyed Shane in so many ways. He was still, so devoted to me. He could have any woman he wanted. Sometimes I wished he would. I know before me, he had been with a lot of women. Why me? Why did he have to settle with me?

And Thomas…

Thomas deserved someone so much better than me. I was a horrible friend. Teasing him, taunting him, playing with his emotions, when I knew, I should have just been with him in the first place.

I know I said no one understood me, but I truly believe he does and always will.

Then again… it had always been him; I had never realized it fully. Why had I been so afraid? Why was I still? If Shane and I were over, I could be with Thomas. Would I be happier?

Arctic Circle
was in the basement studio practicing, when they finished up, Shane asked me if I wanted to go down and practice with Brian. A pit formed in my stomach.

“You really need to, Kat if were gonna perform this song again.”

I nodded my head okay.

“I’m gonna take Darla to the park,” he explained. “Be back in about an hour, should give you enough time to run through everything. You know how to work everything.”

“You know I do.”

I kissed him and Darla goodbye and headed to the basement where Brian awaited me.

His face instantly lit up at the sight of me.

“Kat,” he breathed.

We began our duet.

“Wait, I forgot the recorder,” he said, flipping the switch.

Take two.

As we finished the first round, Brian came close to me.

“I can’t stop thinking of you Kat. I want you again.”

“Brian…”

“Please Kat,” he said kissing my neck.

His hands touched my chest. I pushed him away.

“Oh, Kat’ he murmured. “Touch me there”

He pulled my hand towards him and I silently pulled away.

“I…” I started

“No,” I said after a minute. “Stop.”

I left the studio and walked upstairs.

“You need to leave; I said when he followed me.

“What’s wrong with you? You didn’t have a problem with it last time” he asked

“I can’t, we can’t do this,” I said back

He shook his head, “Don’t know why the sudden change of heart.”

“Just go, please…” I begged, I didn’t know how much longer I could hold out.

He did finally and Shane arrived moments later.

I threw myself into his arms where he asked me what was wrong and I had no words for what I felt.

Thomas

May 1990

Kat sat on the edge of my bed as I looked over what she had written for the new album we were working on. It was a working title but her lyrics were so depressing and so unlike her.

“I don’t know, Kitty Kat, it’s pretty unnerving.”

She looked over to me and a tear fell from her cheek. She silently wiped it away with her sleeve, looking away.

“Kat…” I said moving closer to her.

She put her face in her hands and began to sob.

“I can’t do it; I can’t do any of it…”

“What?? What cant you do?” I asked, trying to pull her hands away.

“I just want to die,” she cried, her body heaving in heavy sobs.

I took her in my arms so she laid her head on my chest; she fought me, crying uncontrollably.

She took a breath, “I can’t do it anymore, and I can’t live like this.” She sat up.

“I think I’m sick, Tom”

“You’re not sick, Kat”

“I’m a fucking nympho!” she moaned, putting her head in her hand and rocking back and forth.

“No, you’re not, Kat, you just… you just like sex… maybe with the wrong people, but liking sex doesn’t make you a bad person. I mean your commitment issues are a bit of a concern but…”

“I should have never done it.” She said

“Done what?”

“Any of it, Tom. I should have never slept with Drew, or any of them. I should have just stayed with you.”

Her eyes met mine, shiny with tears.

“Don’t say that, Kat. You love Shane, I know you do. And he does love you.”

“Not the way I love you.” She responded, “And I know you love me, I should have never married him, and I should have just left with you like suggested!”

I brought my hand to my forehead. “Don’t do this right now, Kat”

“I’ll leave him, if you just say the word.”

“Kat…”

She came closer to me as my arms went around her in an embrace.

“I’m sorry,” she said, resting her head on my chest as we lay side by said, “I’m so sorry I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

She propped herself up on her elbow so her face was above me.

“I want to kiss you, Tom,” she said

I flipped her on her back suddenly, changing positions with her.

“You don’t have to ask,” I said roughly, my lips meeting hers.

She tugged at my shirt and I removed it as she let hers fall to the floor. She grabbed my belt buckle, loosening it and undoing my jeans, pulling my cock out. She quickly pulled off her remaining clothing, settling me between her legs. I couldn’t think.

“I want to be inside of you” I managed like a boy

“Do it.”

I didn’t hesitate this time. She was surprisingly tight, we hadn’t done it since before she had Darla and she felt better than before. I began thrusting fully into her as she began moving with me. Her breasts rubbed against my chest, her hard nipples bushing mine creating a sort of friction.

I felt myself getting close and slowed down.

“Don’t stop,” she moaned

Those were the magic words. I moved faster in her as her finger nails clung into my back.

I could feel her tightening around me.

“I’m gonna…Tom” she shouted

Pressure boiled in me as I let loose with her. She was panting and sweaty as I was.

I untangled myself from her and lay beside her.

“Don’t say it” she said.

“Don’t say what?”

“Every time we have sex you say, ‘We shouldn’t have done that’” she said in a mocking voice.

I laughed, holding her closer to me. “I wasn’t going to, not this time.”

The air was quiet between us for a moment; I could only hear our breathing in unison.

“I’m going to tell Shane.” She said

“Are you?”

She nodded. “If I get a chance to.”

“What do you mean?”

“Tom, there are so many things that have happened the last year that, some I haven’t told you, I think it’s about to come to climax”

I put my hand to her cheek, “We have each other, and Kat we always have you know that.”

She closed her eyes.

“I don’t want to go home”

“I don’t want you to.”

We lay there for what seemed like an eternity. I watched the room begin to dim as the sun went down and wondered what she was planning.

She sat up and began dressing. “Everything is going to be different now,” she whispered.

I believed it.

I truly wanted to.

Shane

May 1990

Kat came home from her practice with Tom and didn’t say much to me. She smiled and helped me get Darla to bed. I went to bed and she did not join me. Instead, she sat in the living room the whole night. What she was thinking, I will never know.

We began practice the next evening. I noticed the tape recorder was playing.

Did you and Kat record yesterday?” I asked Brian.

“Uh, yeah I think so,” he said back.

I rewound the tape and pressed play. I heard his voice then hers, the desire thick in his.

“
Touch me there” he said

That was enough for me. I flipped off the tape, the rest of the guys staring at me.

I walked up to Brian, anger pouring through me, and punched him as hard as I could. He toppled back against the wall.

I stormed up the stairs to Kat.

“Kat!” I yelled as I reached the main floor.

She had been putting Darla to bed and was walking down the stairs, her head peaked forwards.

“Kat,” I heard a voice behind me. It was Brian clutching his eye.

“What’s going on?” she sounded confused.

“You know damn well what’s going on.” I shouted pointing at her

I think my anger scared her, because as I headed towards the stairs, she ran back up them and tried to shut herself in the bedroom. I threw the door open.

“Did you fuck him?” I shouted.

Tears ran down her cheeks.

“Please Shane.” She pleaded with me.

“DID YOU?”

She sobbed, telling me all I needed to know.

I slapped her across the face. I instantly regretted it. She fell backwards, her face blank in shock. I fell to my knees beside her.

“Kat…”

She got up then and walked past me, not looking back.

I heard her go into Darla’s room as I stood up.

“What are you doing?” I asked following her.

Wordlessly she took our sleeping daughter into her arms and walked down the stairs. I grabbed her shoulder. “Don’t you fucking touch me,” she said in a hushed voice.

I heard Brian, “Come with me”, he said

The front door shut. I couldn’t control it. My body shook with sobs. Kat had been unfaithful; Kat had made me look like a fool…again. Kat was… gone.

Brian

May 1990

Kat was in hysterics by the time we got to my place.

“I need to call Thomas,” she said

“Okay,” I said getting her and Darla inside.

Darla was asleep and I set her down in the spare bedroom. She looked so innocent, so unaware of the events which had just come crashing down around her.

“You need to get over here now,” she said on the phone.

About five minutes later, Thomas walked through the door.

“What happened Kat?” he asked.

She couldn’t answer him, her tears falling down her facing, chocking on her sobs.

“She and Shane got into a fight.” I answered for her.

Thomas went to her and put his arms around her.

“What do you need?” he asked her in a slow voice.

“I need you to go over there and get us stuff” she sobbed, “Please Tom?”

“Okay… I can do that…” he turned to me, “Anything in particular?”

I shrugged hell if I knew.

“I’ll be back” he said taking one last look at Kat as she curled up into a ball on the couch.

Thomas

May 1990

I got to the house a little after eight. The front door was wide open and so I walked right in. I was shocked by what I saw. The whole house was in ruins, like someone had gone through and smashed everything with a baseball bat.

I saw Drew at the top of the stairs.

“Where is he?”I asked

“He’s upstairs, I’m afraid to leave him,” Drew said, “I’ve never seen him like this.”

I opened the door to Kat and Shane’s bedroom where I saw him with his head on his hands on the ground. That room too was also almost smashed to pieces.