She's Only Seventeen: A Novel of Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll (16 page)

“What? How”, I asked incredulously.

“I’m not sure, well I mean I know
how
” she joked

“You need to tell Shane, and stop telling me important things before him, please.” I said, my anger rising

“That’s the problem…” she hesitated. “I’m… I’m not sure…”

“God, Kat!” I exclaimed. “Who else could it be?”

“Drew…” she admitted meekly.

“Drew,” I breathed.
“right”
Shane had mentioned they had slept together again

“Kat, tell Shane. Sooner than later.”

“I can’t let him know, I’ll get an abortion!”

“Why would you do that?”

“I don’t want to but, fuck, Shane’s gonna leave me this time, I know he is.”

“And if he does?” I asked

“Then…”

My eyes bore into her. She knew I would be there. Or so she thought. She breathed heavily. “I will tell him tonight. I promise.”

Kat

May 1988

I approached him about the matter soon after Darla went to bed. I couldn’t find the right words to tell him and I was sure that my wording was quite off. He didn’t show much emotion to the matter. He just sighed loudly and put his hand to his forehead. I was terrified at what he might say

Shane

May 1988

“It’s not mine is it?” I asked her, my voice steady and threatening to break.

She couldn’t say “yes or no”.

“I don’t know,” she admitted honestly. She stumbled for words.

“Drew?” I asked, “From that night? Because there is no way in hell I could get you pregnant! The doctor said there was such a slim chance…”

She nodded

“FUCK, Kat!” I shouted, throwing my coffee cup at the wall.

I ran my hands down my face contemplating what to do next.

“Are you going to get rid of it?”

“No,” she said firmly

“Why?”

“I can’t, I’m sorry…” she said weakly

“It can’t be mine, Kat. How many times have we been together and nothing? It’s his!”

“I don’t know, I’m sorry,” she repeated. She kept repeating it over and over again, tears falling down her face. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she heaved between sobs.

I felt nothing for her.

She fell to the ground sobbing as I walked out the door. I couldn’t be near her right now, I didn’t know if I could ever face her again.

Kat

May 1988

I didn’t see Shane again till later the next day. He hardly spoke to me. He came home that night and slept in the guest bedroom. He spoke casually to me after that.

As my second pregnancy progressed, I found myself once again growing into a deep depression. I wanted him to love me, take me in his arms again, but as soon as I thought we were growing closer again, Drew would come between us. I hated Drew, but if I could have gone back in time right then and there I would have never slept with him that night. It had damaged Shane and my relationship beyond repair.

I didn’t know if Shane was sleeping with other women, I didn’t think so; the man was way too busy with his band. I had witnessed him getting off in the shower once, which I ignored.

“Jesus, Kat, fucking knock before you come in” he snapped.

I guess it was better that way anyways.

Shane was courteous in public, he would act as if our marriage was still perfect, not falling apart at all. The truth was almost unbearable to me. I could feel my heart breaking every day more he ignored me.

Thomas

July 1988

“I think we should have sex”

I stared at Kat incredulously, her stomach popping out in a small, round bump.

“You’re four months pregnant, we’re not sleeping together.”

“Please, Tom, “she begged in tears almost.

It was a pathetic display.

“Look, you cheated on Shane with Drew and now you’ve got yourself knocked up, please, please, please do not play the pity card with me.”

She leaned against the wall and slid to the floor dramatically in heavy sobs.

“Jesus, Kat, get up,” I said, “Is this the only reason you came over here?”

“He won’t even look at me, won’t touch me, he hates me,” she cried

“Do you blame him?”

She began sobbing harder, her breath racking through her body harshly.

“Stop it; you’re going to put yourself into labor or something.”

“Please?” she halfway screamed at me.

“Kat,” I said softly, kneeling down to face her, “even if I wanted to, I don’t think I could.”

She looked up at me, her nose red and her cheeks puffy, “please, I’ll do anything,” she panted

I took her in my arms so that her back lay against my chest in between my legs, she rested her head against my shoulder as I opened her legs and undid her pants. Her breath came heavy as I slipped my hand down and rubbed her. She moaned and gripped my arm. I moved faster. “Please just fuck me, Tom; I want to feel you inside of me.”

I pretended not to hear her, my hardness now pressing in my jeans tightly, needing to be released.

“Oh god,” she let out as her legs shook and her nub pulsed playfully against my finger. I rested my hand there for a second as she regained her breath. She then turned to me, on her knees. Your turn,” she said smiling.

I leaned back, afraid to object, my palms flat on the ground behind me as she pulled out my cock and took the full length in her mouth.

“I want you to come for me,” she said

I was already there as I suppressed a moan and let her swallow every bit of me.

“We really shouldn’t have done that, Kat.” I said after as we recomposed ourselves and sat on the couch.

She shrugged, uncaring.

I watched her as she rested her head against my shoulder once more and fell asleep.

Leaning against her, I did also.

Kat

August 1988

When Darla turned two that August, we threw a party, which exposed my five month bump to everyone. Gary and some others glanced horribly at me while Drew stayed away.

Shane would constantly question me to where I had been. Not believing that I was with Thomas most of the time and thinking I was with Drew, he would get angry at me once more. Darla watched everything that was going on around her. She hadn’t been staying at Tammy’s because Drew had to tell Tammy what he had done. She was beyond angry with me to the point where she did not even want to see or speak to me. So I had lost another friend because of Drew.

I went to bed that night crying. Shane came in a while after to go to sleep himself. He found me lying in bed uncontrollably crying. When he asked me what could possibly be wrong with me I was hysterical in my response saying that I never wanted this and that I loved him so much. I explained that I wanted to be with him and the night with Drew had been a mistake. I had needed closure with him that I had never actually gotten. He softened a bit as I sunk back down crying softly this time. He left the room for a couple minutes and came back. He lay besides me not touching me at all. We lay that way for a long time.

Tammy and I finally became friends again. Well sort of friends. I suppose that is better than not being anything at all but I missed the close sisterly bond which we shared before all this. Tammy and I decided to go to the park with our daughters for a play date. Our husbands came along with us joking that we would lose the kids because we would be so involved in our gossip. Drew just wanted to be in my presence, his eyes on me burning through my skin, made me want to puke. Not that I wasn’t feeling like throwing up anyways, I was a lot sicker this pregnancy then my past one. Drew’s daughter was the same age as Darla. She was as light as Darla was dark. The girls were polar opposites in looks but similar in personality. They had become like sisters in the short time they had been thrown together since infancy. I took Darla out on the swings where Drew was swinging Theresa. Shane was sitting with Tammy casually making conversation. I kept looking over at them. I wasn’t usually a jealous woman but the way Tammy was smiling, the way she was moving her hands, I could see from the look in her eyes that she was flirting with him. Fire raged inside of me as I saw my nervous husband just smile at her and nod his head. I couldn’t take any more of her frivolity so I called out to Shane and motioned him to come over and join Darla and me. When he came over to me, I put my arms around his neck and smiled at him. I hugged him close to me, I felt him tense up; as he went to release me from the embrace I pulled him down to kiss me. We hadn’t shared a kiss in so long. He seemed to fight it at first, but after a mere second his lips opened to mine. I could then feel Tammy’s eyes on me. She was upset with me that I could have any man I wanted whither it be her husband, or mine.

Shane

September 1988

Kat had joined us on tour. Since we were once again repairing our relationship, I was glad to have her along where I could keep an eye on her. She was six months pregnant and this pregnancy was harder on her than her first. Her doctor had told her that everything was okay and she was doing great.

Kat had been attempting to fix her relationship with Tammy to an extent and Tammy, who understood none of this was Darla’s fault, gladly took up watching her again while we went on tour. Kat helped Roy a lot and ignored Drew, although he watched her consistently. I still loved her, but seeing her budding belly just reminded me of the cuckold husband I was to her.

Kat

September 1988

Shane could tell that I was tired and not sleeping well. Now that we were on tour, staying in hotel rooms and tour buses, I was even more run down then before. Many noticed the change in me before I had myself. Drew expressed his worry for me, but my disgust for him was ever still present as he continued to try to once again make me his.

Thomas warned me about leaving. He and I talked almost every day and on days when I did not see him, he or I would call each other one way or another.

“You sure you’re okay,” he asked me one night while we stopped in Baton Rouge and I had gotten a chance to call him.

“Never better,” I said through gritted teeth.

The first few shows were a success. Never before had I seen a crowd of such devoted fans for
Arctic Circle
. I laughed at the fan girls who swooned over Shane and the guys. Their opportunity to take pictures with them was a highlight and enjoyment to them. Sometimes I wished that I had felt that way about Shane, as I used to. He was in love with it all. He fed off of their enthusiasm for the band and himself. I found myself proud to be Shane’s wife knowing that he was mine and need not ever worry about another woman. I wished that I could have given him the same security.

The rivers were beautiful but the water stale with odor and swimming with disease. I longed to throw myself into the poisonous waters, wanting the weight of the water to carry my almost six month pregnant body instead of my legs. Shane laughed when I told him how tired I was. He told me that I had wanted to come along so I should have overlooked all possibilities of how shitty I would feel before going. I knew it was my own fault. I wasn’t stupid. At six months pregnant I was beginning to feel heavier. My unborn child was restless most of the time, rubbing into my ribs and making it tough for me to breathe. I couldn’t help but gasp out in pain at times when he or she thrust into my diaphragm. The day started out like any other as the guys got up early in the morning to practice for the show that evening. I hadn’t felt any different than the previous day. Shane had brought me to lunch, his need to get away from the rest of the guys and spend time with me one on one was great. Many people congratulated us on our pregnancy, Shane always smiled and thanked them but I could see his eyes darken with anger as he did so. I helped Roy organize schedules and booklets that he needed done, I figured if I was going to be here on this tour, I might as well help out. As the guys went to go on stage for the performance, I gave Shane a good luck kiss. I stood on the sidelines with Roy as I always did when watching my husband perform.

I didn’t notice anything at first. It was Roy who pointed out the blood. I felt like I was in a daze, my eyes blurry, as he told me that I had blood on my leg. I looked down, yes, there was blood. I felt sick, holding one of the barriers for support; I clutched my lower abdomen as a sharp pain racked my body. I didn’t know what was happening. My only guess was that I was miscarrying. I had never had a miscarriage before, nor had I known anyone who had this late in their pregnancy. It was much too early for my child to be for my child to be born. Even if he or she did survive the birth I knew they might be much too weak. Roy was speaking to me but I couldn’t hear him.

“Kat, Kat!”

His face was a blur.

“I need to go to the hospital, don’t tell Shane yet… let him finish please…”

He said that he would come with me. He would bring me himself. I tried to thank him for it as we left, telling the stage crew to not tell anyone where we had gone till after the show. I knew it was wrong to not tell my husband that I was in danger, but I couldn’t spoil his glorious moment. I was in and out of consciousness most of the ride to the hospital. Once we arrived I was thrown into the emergency room. I could hear Roy yelling at the members of the hospital and he was being shoved out the door. I would endure this alone. I could feel myself losing blood as the doctors poked me with needles, injecting me with substances to make me feel less pain. Although the pain in my body was numbing, the pain in my heart was getting stronger. I heard someone shout, “were going to lose her!’ my world became black as I drifted off into the blackest waters I had ever known.