She's Only Seventeen: A Novel of Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll (17 page)

Shane

September 1988

Kat was nowhere to be seen after the show. I looked all over for her and Roy. Finally I saw him, he ran up to me, blood on his jacket.

“You need to come with me,” he panted

“Kat? Is it Kat?” I asked frantically

He nodded.

I got into the taxi with him and we arrived at the hospital.

“She’s still in surgery,” the nurse at the desk said calmly.

I spun on Roy.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“She asked me not to and I respected it.”

“I gotta call Thomas.”

Running to the payphone I dialed him.

“Hello?” said the groggy voice on the other end of the line.

“Kats in surgery,” I blurted out.

“Wait… what… why?” he said suddenly clear.

“Something with the baby…”

“I’m coming down there, like a couple hours I’ll be there,” he said.

“I’d hurry, Tom,” I said certain of the seriousness of the situation.

Guilt overwhelmed me, had I done this to her?

Drew

September 1988

Shane burst through my hotel room door, “Kat’s in the fucking hospital,” he yelled

“Is she okay?” I asked

“No she’s not.”

I felt my heart sink, “what happened?’ I asked

“She lost the baby.” He stated firmly

“Oh fuck,” I said clutching the sides of my head.

“Do you want to come to the hospital? I’m going back now, I just came to get a few things and thought I would let you know,” he said quickly

“I can’t, Shane, I can’t, I just… I can’.”

He snorted, “You’re serious?”

“Tell her I’m sorry,” I managed

“Fuck you, Drew, really fuck you!” he screamed as he went past me, slamming the door behind him.

I shut my eyes tight and grabbed the bottle of gin and downed it.

Kat

September 1988

I opened my eyes what seemed only a few seconds later. I jerked up surveying my surroundings before one of the sharpest pains I had ever felt brought me back down. I saw Shane run over to the bed from where he had been sitting. I could tell he had not gotten much sleep because of his puffy eyes
“Hey,” I managed.

His serious face broke into a smile then as he bent his head, and then looked back to me, fresh tears in his eyes.

“Hey,” he responded.

I could then see the nurse coming in the room along with Thomas who looked more than overjoyed to see me, his bright blue eyes shining. I wondered to myself where Drew was, but the question couldn’t linger for long as the nurse came to take my vitals and the doctor came to explain all which had happened. Turns out I had out for a couple of days. I had lost so much blood that my body had given out on me. I had been very close to dying when, by some miracle, the doctors were able to finally get the bleeding under control and do what they needed to do to save me. That involved cutting out my unborn child from the grips of my body. I shuttered at the thought of it. Then I remembered the pain. The doctor told me that I would have a scar on my abdomen and it would take a long time to heal so I would have to take it easy. The doctor explained that because of my unique situation, it would take quite a bit of time to recover. I pondered all this to myself as I let it sink in. They had indeed tried their best, but their efforts were not enough. The child was just too small and too under developed to live in our world. Although I understood this, I felt the loss of life as a loss of myself.

I softly asked if it was a boy or girl. The doctor told me that I had miscarried a son,
Drew’s son?
I asked the doctor if there was a chance that I would conceive again. He explained that it was rare that I had even conceived again in the first place. He explained that this time, my chances were slim to none and that I probably shouldn’t even try because it could be a great danger and risk to me. I was devastated. I started to cry when the doctor left the room... Shane and Thomas both came and sat on the bed with me, Shane putting his arms around me, holding me in his powerful embrace.

Thomas and Shane had been with me the whole time. Shane told me how once Roy had been shoved from the room, he came back to the stadium. The guys were finishing up the encore. When Shane had come off stage, Roy had pulled him aside and told him what had happened. Shane was furious with Roy for keeping this from him. He rushed to the hospital, called Thomas and went to see me. Thomas had flown down within hours of the phone call. He had been there ever since.

Shane paused. He explained to me then that he had told Drew what was going on but Drew refused to come. I felt my heart drop at his words. Shane saw the tears begin to form in my eyes. He was all too well aware that I harbored feelings for Drew, but by that comment he had just made, giving me the harsh reality of it all, my feelings had been shot forever. Now that I was awake and recovering, Shane decided to go back to the hotel for a bit to take a shower and nap. He was exhausted. I told him I would be fine. He kissed me goodbye and promised to return as soon as he was done.

Thomas didn’t leave. He came and lay down next to me. I was happy for his company. He leaned over me, his face close to mine. He told me that I couldn’t die on him yet. I chuckled at that as I reached my hand up, rubbing the back of his neck beneath his long mane of black hair. He smiled at me, but then looked a little shocked as I pulled him down to me, letting his lips brush mine. He felt tense, but then as I opened my mouth to kiss him deeper, I could feel him responding. He kissed me harder then, fully embracing my welcoming. He held me close to him, careful not to hurt my injured, weak body.

The next few days I spent recovering and recuperating. I was finally able to sit up again and was beginning to walk around. Drew came to visit me two days after I had woken up. He was most unwelcome by me. He had left me when I needed him the most. He came over to me, storming past Shane and Thomas to kneel by me. I was sitting on the chair next to the window when he threw himself at my feet.

“Kat, I’m so sorry, I’m so fucking sorry. I don’t know what I was doing, I should have been here, fuck, I’m sorry,” he sobbed.

I continued to look out the window ignoring him. I wanted to cry, wanted to tell him that everything was going to be alright and that I forgave him. In truth I did not believe that I could ever forgive him.

He took my hand; I looked sharply at him then. His whole body shaking with sobs.

“Kat, I’m sorry” he begged.

“Are you?” I said flatly.

He broke down, his head in his hand, his shoulders heaving harshly.

I took pity on him then. I put my hand on his head, when he looked up at me, my hand travelled to his cheek. His big blue eyes were shiny. He looked afraid, afraid that he would lose me. I told him that I was okay. He told me that it was not just okay; in fact it wasn’t okay at all. It was wrong. I smiled at his realization of this. Yes, it was wrong, he should have been there. He told me of the shame he felt, and how he forced himself not to run out the door to see me. He told me of his inner feelings how he loved me still. He then said something I will never forget and I still wish now that Shane had never been in ear shot of it. Drew told me that he never wanted to marry Tammy, he wanted to marry me. He had been in love with me since the first day we met and it had never waned.

I started to cry, and then I heard the door slam. I looked over where Shane had left the room.

I told Drew it was better off if he left, and so he did with a kiss on the cheek.

Thomas caught my eye, “you’re going to lose Shane, that little act that you just put on there with Drew, because that’s what it is, a fucking act Kat, it’s going to break him. You need to start acting like an adult for everyone, grow up and fucking respect Shane,” he paused, taking in a sharp breath, “forget Drew he wasn’t even here, Shane was!”

He was right of course.

Shane came back later that night and explained to me that
Arctic Circle
had cancelled the rest of the tour and he would see me back home in New York. Without even a kiss goodbye, he left me sitting alone.

Shane

October 1988

I wanted nothing to do with her. She had actually forgiven him! My head was spinning, I couldn’t think. I loved her, but was I prepared to spend the rest of my life with her? She had almost died giving birth to someone else’s child. I had forgiven her once before when she had slept with Thomas, but this was too much. The way she had forgiven him, it must have been his child. It had to be.

When she came home, I couldn’t see her or speak to her. I slept in the guest bedroom, keeping my distance. She didn’t seem to mind, she was recovering anyways. She spent most of her time with Thomas and Darla while I threw myself into work.

It was the only thing I could do to try to put it in the back of my mind.

Thomas

November 1988

Kat turned twenty two that month and was still recovering from the incident. I had tried everything to make her feel better but she was uninterested in making music to the anger of our band mates.

She sat with me at a tiny restaurant in the city.

I took her hand, “It’s gonna be okay, I promise.”

She smiled slightly, the first in months.

“Shane didn’t even tell me ‘Happy Birthday’. It’s like I’m nonexistent.”

“You’re not ‘nonexistent’” I protested.

She stared hard at me, “Sure, that’s why he hasn’t spoken more than two words to me in months. He’s probably fucking someone else.”

“Well, you have, so why shouldn’t he? I mean,” she glared at me, “I mean he could just honestly be waiting?” I suggested.

“I don’t even care anymore,” she stated, her eyes boring into me, her cheeks sinking in where her lips were frowning.

I knew she cared, and nothing I could do would make it better.

“I’ll probably never even sleep with him again. I should just leave him and divorce him”

“Whatever you want, Kat.” I said.

She closed her eyes for a moment, and then looked back at me. ‘I never wanted any of this.”

I believed her.

January 1989

Shane was colder than ever. He wasn’t happy with me yet again and although he did try not to show it, it leaked through in his gestures and voice when he spoke to me. I felt his hatred, or what seemed like hatred burn right into me whenever we interacted.

Darla, however, wanted to be played with and I could not because of my injury. The cesarean had proved to be the right choice for delivery, but it had its effects in the long run which I had begun to feel. I felt depressed because the weight which I had gained during pregnancy was mostly gone, but my hips had widened out and inch or so. I had become a bit curvier to my horror when I found that my regular jeans were a bit tight. When I called and told Thomas of my concerns, he thought me silly, telling me I was beautiful and assuring me that no one would probably even notice. He was right in the long run leaving me to feel that I never had anything to fear in the first place. I wanted to sleep with Shane, wanted to be close to him, but the doctor told me to refrain from sexual activity for at least eight to ten weeks. It had been longer than that but still, nothing from him. It was the longest I had ever gone without sexual contact. Another week of coldness went by, then another, it didn’t even feel as if we were married anymore.

Gary

February 1989

“What’s wrong?” I asked her as she strolled in

She had come over to see me and after not seeing her in quite a while, it was a nice surprise.

“Everyone hates me,” she said turning to me.

“Everyone doesn’t hate you.”

“Shane does.”

“I don’t think he hates you either,” I said softly.

She plopped herself down on my couch, as I went to sit beside her and put my arm around her shoulder.

“He wants nothing to do with me; it’s been almost seven months. He won’t talk to me, he won’t sleep with me, he won’t…” she put her head in her hands as her shoulder blades moved steadily.

I brought her close to me, “I wish I could help you.”

“You could,” she murmured

“How? Just say the word and I’ll do it.”

“Will you do it with me? I mean… you know what I mean…” she asked, while looking at the ground.

“If you really want to, Kathryn, but I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“Why isn’t it?” she said, facing me again

“I think you need Shane, try to work it out together, you never know. This will only harm it.”

“I’m not gonna beg you, Gare, so whatever.” She replied

“You know I want to,” I whispered, my lips coming down on her neck.

She took a sharp breath in. I stopped, looking up at her, “Sorry, I shouldn’t have done that,” I said

She kissed my lips, I wrenched myself away. “God, Kat, you need to stop or else I won’t be able to control myself…”

“I never asked you to control yourself,” she said softly

“Don’t make me do this… I don’t want to be the one responsible for your marriage falling apart.”

“It’s already over,” she said frustrated.

“Go to Shane, corner him, anything. Believe me, if he’s a man, then he wants you as badly as you want him, I promise.”

She made a little noise and threw her head back, “I feel like an idiot.”

“You’re not, and like I said, it’s not that I don’t want you, God, maybe some other place and time, Kat, but it doesn’t feel right now…”

“Should I go?” she asked

I nodded unwillingly.

She smiled and got up; I followed her, opening the door for her.

“Wait,” she said turning back to me, “Can we just… hang out?”

I laughed

“What’s so funny?” she asked

“Jesus, Kat,” I said grabbing her hand and dragging her back in the house, my hand went around her neck as I bent down and kissed her again. She was warm with wanting and I could feel myself losing control.

I grabbed her legs and threw them around me as I picked her up and brought her back to the couch.

She giggled, “Remember the first time, we did it here?” she asked.

“How could I forget?”

She lay under me, breathing heavy; we both froze, just staring at each other. “It still doesn’t feel right, does it?” she asked

“No,” I whispered

I moved away from her as she sat up.

“I should probably…” she said motioning to the door.

“Yeah,” I said flatly.

I watched her walk away and leave; now I felt like the idiot.

Shane

February 1989

I watched Kat slip in and out of the house as we silently made our way around each other. She made no notion she was unhappy with the present situation, and so I let it be.

Kat

March 1989

I contacted Drew after shortly after that as much as I had told myself I would not. I had enough. I could feel my skin rushing with heat as soon as he came into the room. I knew that he would be inside of me at least once before the end of the night. We ended up getting a hotel room, a quiet discreet place on the outskirts of the city. There he stripped me of my clothes and traced my scar with his lips. He told me that he felt that it was his fault, that the pain that I had endured had been his fault. I assured him that it was not. When he touched me for the first time, my whole body shook. I could feel the shivers of pleasure creeping up my spine and into my most private areas. I put a hand to his chest one he was on top of me, feeling his heart beating, threatening to fly out of its cage like a bird. He told me that he did not want to hurt me. I responded yet again with a kiss. He rubbed my womanly parts, lubricating me before he threatened to enter. While deeply kissing me, he pushed the front part of his cock inside of me. I didn’t feel pain, just a bit uncomfortable. He pushed all the way inside of me, where I felt the whole of him finally, completing me. The only pain I felt was the weight of his body on top of me. He found me willing and ready; he satisfied my need completely within those hours of the night.

He spoke pretty words to me about how he truly did want to marry me and he would divorce Tammy because it was “unfair” to keep her in a marriage which is unloving. I told him that I was pretty sure Shane did not love me anymore. He assured me that Shane did love me; he just had a strange way of showing it. It didn’t make me feel any better.

“Would you ever divorce Shane?” he asked casually

I responded without thinking, saying, “I’ve thought about it.”

He then laughed and asked me if I would actually do it. Pondering for a couple minutes, I then decided that if Shane was going to be like this the rest of our lives… why not?

When I left the hotel room in the morning, I had a smile on my facing knowing Drew loved me and wanted me.

I got home a little after one and checked the mail.

“Hmm,” I said to myself, opening a letter from the hospital.

My mouth opened slightly in shock as I crumpled the paper and shoved it in my purse.

I went inside and grabbed the phone.

“Tom, can you meet me?”

Thomas

March 1989

“So the baby was Shane’s?” I asked

“Correct” she admitted.

Kat explained that she had a paternity test done on the baby after Shane had left the hospital. It had been months since the incident and they were further apart than ever.

“When will you tell him?”

“I don’t plan to,” she said

“Why wouldn’t you tell him?”

“I can’t,” she explained, “we’re already falling apart what’s the point?’

“This could change it?” I suggested.

She shrugged. “I feel like I’m turning into my father,” she said softy.

“You’re nothing like him,” I said honestly.

It was true; in the last months since the “incident” she had been sober, free from alcohol or drugs. She wasn’t looking back either. Shane still didn’t seem to care that she had made this huge life change.

Kat shrugged it off. Shane had been on tour with
Arctic Circle
since earlier this month. Kat was relieved to be alone.

“I think Gary is still mad at me,” she said

“I think it’s very honorable of him to have said ‘no’”

Her eyes narrowed as her face broke into a smile, “Well I guess it’s never too old to start,” she laughed.

We stared at each other for a moment, until Darla made a loud noise, breaking the spell.

“What are you doing?” Kat cooed at Darla who was now almost three.

“Food!” Darla demanded.

Kat’s face widened into a smile.

If I didn’t know it any better, from outsiders prospective, it looked as if we were a family. The thought of it warmed me.

Kat

Later That Day

When I arrived home the next day, Shane did not even ask where I had been. When he came out into the kitchen, I set my wedding band down in front of him; he picked it up and looked at it. His face softened. He looked hurt as I started walking away from him.

“Wait” his voice cracked. “What’s this?”

I could have been an asshole and just said “my wedding band,” but I straight out told him that I was ending our marriage. I could feel the whole mood in the room change as Shane’s face completely fell.

“Oh,” he paused. “I didn’t think you were
that
unhappy.”

He stopped talking and looked out the window. “It’s Drew, isn’t it,” he questioned.

When I did not respond, he continued. “I know you are still in love with him…” he trailed off caught off guard by unexpected tears.

He then looked up; sobbing he strained to say, “Do you even love me anymore?”

That was it, Shane thought he was unloved, when in reality, he was. I loved him more than he would ever know.

“Of course I do, Shane.” I said softly

“Then why are you acting like this?”

“Why are you?” I shouted, my anger showing through

“Because you’re sleeping with Drew!” he said, “that’s where you were right?”

“Yes,” I said sheepishly realizing someone probably had seen us and hinted to him.

“And now you don’t want to be married to me anymore so what am I supposed to think?” he sobbed again, trying to suppress it.
Shane,” I said moving towards him.

“Don’t,” he stopped me.

“Please,” I grabbed his arm

He froze. “Kat”, he said while looking down at me, his breathing heavy

I kissed him frantically then, like id never kiss him again. He had been the father of my child, not Drew. Drew didn’t matter, Shane did. His arms came around me pulling me close. We fell to the floor, his body pressed on top of me. He was inside of me before I could stop it. His hands slipped into mine as he moved faster. He cried out with me when we released together. It felt as if nothing had changed for a moment, for a second it was if the past year had never happened. My heart swelled with love for him. I was content. Then reality set back in. Tears ran down my cheeks. He looked down at me. He breathed out and pulled himself away.

“I don’t know what to do, Kat”

I hesitated, “Can we make it work?”

I don’t know what had come over me, I needed this, Shane. All of him.

He raised an eyebrow, “You want to?”

I shook my head yes.

He gave me a cocked smile and sighed. “I’ll do it for Darla.”

I threw my arms around him.

“Is it bad I want you again?” I whispered to him.

“One step at a time, Kat,” he stated while lifting me off of the floor.

His smirk told me all I needed to know.

Drew

March 1989

“I can’t do it,” Kat whispered to me before practice the next day. “I love him, I’m not leaving him.”

“You really think you can patch this up?”

“I’m hoping to,” she said firmly.

Shane walked past us, “You coming,” he asked me, so casually, like nothing had ever happened.

“Yeah, be there in a second.”

Kat glanced at him, and then flipped her attention back to me. “No more of any of this.” She said. “It’s done, all done, please.”

I stared at her incredulously, had she completely forgotten the night before?

“Please, Drew. It’s over.”

“Fine, fine Kat.”

She fixed her cat eyes on me, and then looked away. “You… uh, better get down there.”

“Yeah, cool… whatever Kat.”

She smiled casually, walking away without even a glance back to me.

I stood there feeling angrier than I had ever felt. I loved her and she had totally shunned me. After I was willing to give up my whole life for her.

Shane

April 1989

“Look this over, will you?” Kat asked me as she handed me a piece of paper.