Shift (30 page)

Miranda didn’t speak to me or look at me for the rest of the day. It was supposed to be a punishment, of course, but it was actually a relief – like taking off a
pair of too-tight jeans. I breathed out. Relaxed, just a little. When I arrived home, Mum and Toby were outside. Mum had on thick, way-too-big gardening gloves and was pulling ivy off the front of
the house, leaving behind a wall covered in tiny claw-like marks. Ralph was racing around with a long strand of ivy in his mouth, shaking it and growling.

‘But I
like
the ivy,’ Toby was saying.

‘I do too,’ said Mum. ‘It just needs controlling. It’s getting into the guttering.’

This used to be Dad’s job. The gloves were his, too. I wandered over, enjoying the feeling of the sun on my face. ‘Hi.’

Mum smiled. ‘Hey, sweetie,’ she said. ‘Oh, before I forget – Noah called. He said it’s going to be quiet tonight so he won’t need you.’

‘Really?’

‘Are you pleased? It means our family weekend can start right away.’ Mum grinned cheekily. ‘Maybe it can start with you helping me with this ivy?’

I nodded. ‘Sure. I’ll just go and change.’

When I opened my wardrobe all the empty coathangers rattled and clanked together. Still, I found what I needed – my old trackpants and a faded jumper with a hole at the collar. They were
baggy, but comfortable at least.

I was just about to go back outside when my phone rang. Miranda’s name appeared on the screen.

You don’t have to answer it. She won’t know.
But in the end I answered it anyway. I figured she’d have to apologise for calling me a bitch and I relished the chance to
hear it.

‘Hey, Olive.’ Miranda sounded subdued. A little nervous. ‘I’m just ringing to say sorry about being a total wonk today. I guess I was just really upset about you refusing
to come to the party, especially as I arranged the whole thing just for you.’

I knew the best way to deal with this was to just ignore it. So why was it so hard to do that with Miranda? ‘I wasn’t being rude,’ I said. ‘I –’

‘Apology accepted,’ said Miranda. Then with a heavy sigh she added, ‘I’d better let you go. I guess you’ve got to get ready for work.’

‘Actually my shift was cancelled,’ I said, and immediately regretted it.

‘Really? Fantastic!’ said Miranda brightly. ‘That means you can come over tonight after all.’

‘No, it doesn’t,’ I said, horrified by how quickly I was losing control of this conversation. ‘I’m staying home. I’m wrecked.’

For a moment I thought she’d hung up. Then I heard a faint sound – somewhere between a sigh and a snicker.

‘Miranda?’

‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘I was just wondering what everyone at school would say if they knew.’ She spoke in this very casual, careless way and I could picture her examining
her nails as she was speaking.

‘Knew what?’

‘About Ami, of course. I bet they’d all be interested to hear about her. And the kids at your brother’s school.’ She laughed lightly. ‘You have to admit, Olive. It
makes a pretty funny story. And they’d probably be fascinated to hear about how you tried to top yourself.’

My body went ice-cold. When I spoke my tongue felt thick and swollen.

‘You promised you wouldn’t. You said you wouldn’t tell anyone about Ami.’

‘No, I didn’t.’ Miranda said sharply. ‘I said I
hadn’t
told anyone. I never said I
wouldn’t.
That would be a stupid thing to promise. Because,
you see Olive, I’ve never fallen for that
I’m so tough
act of yours. I’ve always known what you really are. Spineless. And I also knew that one day you’d need a bit
of …
encouragement
to do what I wanted you to do.’

The room was beginning to tip and spin around me. Ami wouldn’t have let Miranda do this – threaten me like this. But I’d never been as resilient as Ami.

‘OK,’ I said. My voice was a whisper. ‘I’m coming.’

‘Great,’ said Miranda. ‘See you soon, then.’

Slowly I took off my trackpants and old jumper and turned back to my wardrobe.

Mum and Toby were drinking water in the kitchen when I walked in. ‘You look like you’re dressed for going out,’ said Mum, a catch in her voice. ‘Not for
ivy-removal.’

‘I’m going to Miranda’s,’ I said.

Toby’s face fell. ‘No!’

‘Olive,’ said Mum. ‘I’d like you to stay home tonight.’

My teeth clenched. ‘I’ll stay home tomorrow.’

‘Please don’t go,’ said Toby.

I couldn’t look at him. I was wishing with all my heart that there was some way to tell him I had no choice.

‘Tomorrow,’ I said, struggling to stop my voice breaking. ‘I promise. I have to go out tonight.’

‘No,’ said Mum. ‘
No
. I’m putting my foot down about this. You’re forbidden to leave the house. I want you to wait here with Toby while I go to the shops.
Then I’ll cook something really del–’

‘
Wait here with Toby
,’ I said, mimicking my mother’s voice. ‘That’s what this is really about, isn’t it? Me minding Toby.’

‘No,’ said Mum. ‘That’s not it at all.’

‘Yes, it is. Admit it.’

Mum stepped back, knocking a pile of dusty travel brochures off the bench. They slithered to the floor.

My chest felt tight. Constricted. All that sea air and I couldn’t seem to get it into my lungs. When had I last taken my meds?
Not for days,
I realised.
Maybe weeks.

‘Livvy, what’s wrong?’ Mum was standing right there in front of me but she may as well have been on the other side of the universe. ‘Tell me what’s
wrong!’

‘You take advantage of me,’ I said hoarsely. ‘Because you know I feel so guilty about what I did to you and Dad.’

Mum’s face was creased with confusion. ‘What do you
mean
? What exactly do you feel guilty about?’

She wanted me to say it? Fine then, I would. The words scraped along my tongue and burned my lips, but I pushed them out anyway. ‘I’m the reason Dad left.’

Mum’s arms lifted up, like she was about to embrace me, but then she let them fall again. ‘Sweetheart. Oh love. Your dad didn’t leave because of you.’

‘Don’t lie,’ I said angrily. ‘He left because I was too hard to deal with
.
I was
awful
. He was ashamed of me and sick of me and all my –
issues
.’

Toby started to whimper,
Stop it, stop it.
I expected Mum to go over to him, but she stayed where she was. ‘That’s not true. You mustn’t ever think that. There were so
many
problems …’

‘Like what?’ I said.

Mum started crying too. ‘Oh god, where should I start? His inability to deal with things aging. The car. Himself.
Me
.’ Mum shook her head, her crying becoming indignant.
‘Mid-life bloody crisis. Such a cliché.’

None of this made sense. If only my head would stop spiralling I could sort out my thoughts. ‘If I’m not the reason he left,’ I found myself yelling, ‘then why
didn’t he visit me in the clinic?’

Mum pulled out a tissue and wiped her nose. She seemed to be avoiding looking at me. ‘I should have told you this, Livvy,’ she said. ‘Ages ago. He did try to see you. A number
of times.’

For a moment I felt so light, like I might lift up off the floor.
He does still care.
But the lightness vanished as something dawned on me. I faced Mum. ‘You
stopped
him.’

The gardening gloves had slipped off Mum’s hands and were lying at her feet. Toby had shoved his fingers in his ears and was making a loud, tuneless noise to block out our voices.

‘You were so unwell,’ said Mum. ‘You needed stability.’

‘Don’t try to make it sound like you kept him away to
protect
me,’ I snarled. ‘You were punishing him! For leaving. You want to control everything – what I
say, what I eat, who I see. Living here is like …’ I groped around, trying to think of the way to describe it, then remembered the perfect expression. ‘It’s like trying to
breathe with a pillow held over my face.’

‘No.
No
.’ Mum’s face was stricken and ugly.

‘It’s
your
fault he left,’ I said. The words were pouring from me, unstoppable, pushed out by my rage.

Toby was huddled up in a tiny ball on the ground. Finally Mum seemed to break from her stupor and crouched down beside him, stroking his back. When she looked up at me her face was a mess of
tears. ‘Please, Livvy. Let’s all calm down. Talk about this properly.’

I knew I should be feeling something then. There was my mum and my brother – both of them so upset, because of me. But something hard and heavy had pushed up against the entrance of my
heart, preventing it from opening. Mum reached out to me, but I didn’t take her hand. Her mouth kept opening and shutting and I knew there were words coming out but they dissolved before they
reached my ears.

When I began to walk – turning away from Mum and Toby and heading outside – I couldn’t feel the ground beneath my feet. The only thing I felt was the vibration of the door as
it slammed shut behind me.

I began to run.

At first I just ran blind and fast, hoping the wind rushing over me might clear everything away. When I couldn’t run anymore, I walked – slower and slower until I
was too exhausted to take another step and I sank down onto the curb. A horrible noise started coming out of my mouth – something in between crying and gasping.

I had nothing with me – no money, no phone.
What the hell do I do now?

I couldn’t go to Miranda’s place. Not while I was such a mess.

I looked around to see where I’d ended up. On the Esplanade, not far from the Mercury.

Money,
I thought. Money was something real. If I had some I might feel less like I was hurtling through space. I stood up. A clear-ish path had formed through the jungle in my head. I
would go and ask Noah to give me an advance on my pay.

There was a long queue outside the Mercury. Strange. Hadn’t Noah told my mum it was going to be quiet? I squeezed into the foyer and looked around. Standing in the snack bar was a girl I
didn’t know, scooping popcorn, serving drinks. I strode over to the ticket office and pushed my way to the front of the queue. ‘What’s going on, Noah? Why is someone else doing my
job?’

Noah kept selling tickets. He didn’t even look at me. ‘What did you expect?’ he said. ‘You left me in the lurch tonight. Again
.
It was lucky that Polly was
available.’

A hum started up – high and insistent. Polly must have turned on the ice-cream light.

‘What are you
talking
about?’ I said. ‘You rang my mum and told me not to come in!’

‘No, I didn’t. And I tried to call your phone – about twenty times – to find out where you were.’ Noah shook his head. ‘Dad is not happy, Olive. He says
you’ve become totally unreliable.’

‘There must be something wrong with my phone,’ I muttered. ‘I didn’t hear it ring once.’

‘Yeah?’ said Noah, looking at me for the first time since I’d arrived. ‘Well, maybe you’ll hear this then. Olive, you no longer work here. Now, please get out of
the way so I can do my job.’

I stood there, fighting to keep myself together. Noah looked at me warily, then sighed and put up the
back in five minutes
sign.

‘Come on,’ he said, coming out of his ticket office and pulling me over to a bench in the corner. His face was grave. ‘Is it true? What everyone’s saying about
you?’

I frowned. ‘What are they saying?’

‘That you’re on drugs.’

‘No!’ I said, my throat aching. ‘Why would anyone say something so awful?’

‘Probably because you
look
like you’re on drugs,’ said Noah. ‘You’re so thin. And pale.’

‘Noah,’ I pleaded, ‘it isn’t true. And I’m sorry that you think I stood you up tonight, but you have to believe me, that’s not what happened.’

Noah crossed his arms. ‘So what
did
happen? Someone rang your mum, pretending to be me?’

I didn’t answer.

‘Are you selling any more tickets or what?’ someone called impatiently from the queue.

Noah stood up. ‘I have to go,’ he muttered. ‘Good luck, Olive. I really hope you sort yourself out.’

I pushed my way back outside, the world blurring into tear-mirages around me. Everything twinkled. It was almost beautiful. A calmness came over me then – a foggyish, murky one. Like I
wasn’t completely awake.