Shifting Gears (25 page)

“So I sat and waited. For three
fucking years. Three years for the trial to get to court and for
him to testify against the fucker. He did, and even though they say
you’re protected for life, after you do the shit they need you to
do for them, the feds don’t give a fuck about you.

“I had my chance, then, after the
trial, to go in and get his ass. I did, and I took him back to the
man who hired me. I didn’t know what he did, why he was running,
and I didn’t care. I just knew the fucker wasn’t going to get the
chance to fucking sell drugs to kids anymore.

“Just like I told you before, babe, I
thought of you every single fucking day I spent sitting up in that
small-ass, roach-infested motel. The look on your face that day,
our last day together, it fucking killed me. You had no clue what I
was about to do.”

I suck in a breath,
remembering.

“As you walked away, you smiled at me,
and I knew it was going to be the last time I saw that smile. I
knew you were going to fucking hate me. I couldn’t tell you though.
I couldn’t risk it, baby.

“You were all I had going for me. I
knew I didn’t deserve it, I didn’t deserve you, but I was greedy.
You were my small piece of happy. Leaving you was the hardest
fucking thing I’ve ever had to do in my life, next to burying Mom.
But I knew you deserved better than me. I had nothing to offer you.
I still don’t. All I’ve got to give you is me, babe. I’m yours. I
knew it from the first fucking time I laid eyes on you.”

My heart is soaring. My eyes well with
tears—for the first time in three years, not tears of sadness but
joy. He did feel the same about me back then. All those years
thinking I’d made him leave. Those months crying until I couldn’t
cry anymore. Never, never, did it cross my mind that he’d felt the
same pain and heartache.

“It fucking kills me that you could
think I left you for any other reason than because I had to,
Nicolette. How the fuck can you not see how fucking beautiful you
are? I don’t understand that shit. Don’t you see the way men look
at you?”

There it was again, the same thing
Clay had said to me.

“You are my perfection, baby. Every
single fucking thing about you is perfection. You became my little
piece of perfect. My own personal heaven. Like a fucking angel sent
down to me. And to give me what you gave me, I didn’t deserve that
shit. But I took it. I wanted it.”

My mouth drops open, and all the blood
rushes to my head. Every part of my body is being pricked by tiny
fingernails as it goes into shock. I never told him he took my
virginity. Jesus.

“You knew? How did you know? I never
told you. I never told you, Holt. How could you possibly have known
that? I mean, I didn’t, um, I didn’t bleed or anything.”

“Babe, I knew.”

My cheeks burn with embarrassment. Of
course he knew. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing.

“At first, I wanted to stop, not be
the one to give you that, but, baby, I couldn’t. I wanted you. All
of you. So I took what I knew wasn’t meant to be mine. I didn’t
care. I didn’t know how much longer you would want me. You’ll
always be my woman. I just don’t deserve you, babe.

“You know I’ve killed a man. What you
don’t know is that there have been more. No regrets there. Did what
I had to do.” His eyes are intent on mine as if he’s searching. I
imagine he’s looking for a sign of fear. “I do have regrets though,
baby...two of them. One is leaving my mom, letting her die in that
fucking hole, and the other is letting you walk away from me that
morning.

“What you said to me outside, it
fucking sliced me, but it was true. I did the same to you as Dad
did to my mom.”

Shit. He picked up on my thoughts,
loud and clear.

“Holt, I didn’t— I shouldn’t have
said—”

“No. You were right, and I can’t take
that shit back. I watched what it did to my mom, and to think you
might’ve gone through some of that same shit because of me, it
fucking kills me.”

“Holt—” I try again, but he keeps
going.

“I can only offer you who I am now. I
don’t know what my future holds. I can’t make any promises to you,
but I can tell you that there will never be another woman for me.
You are it. No one could ever come close to what you do to
me.”

“Holton,” I hear myself breathe,
having a hard time keeping it together and getting out what I need
to say to him. “You did what you thought was right for your mom.
You were a kid. You couldn’t have done any more for her. You went
to her every day. She knew you loved her.”

He’s looking out the window as I
speak. His posture, the way he’s slumped in the chair, he looks
broken. I fight again to not run to him.

“You took care of her in the only way
you knew how. You showed your love for her by showing up every day.
I’m sure she died knowing she raised a good son, a good man. You
didn’t abandon her like your dad. You had no control over her life
at all. I know that’s why you have to have it now. I get
that.

“For me, I’m not going to say that
when you left it didn’t break my heart. It did. Bad. I felt stupid
falling for you so quickly. To hear you say that now, Holt, it’s
like you just untangled me. I’ve been wound so tight, not letting
anybody get close. Because of you. Because of what I thought was
wrong with me.

“You know you have visions of me as a
teenager, sitting on that swing out there with boys. There were
never any boys, Holt. My music, my books, and my animals. That’s
what I had growing up. That’s what I loved. You were the first man
who made my heart stop. You are the
only
man to make my
heart stop.

“You gave me confidence simply by
smiling at me, touching me, kissing me. So you see, if I was your
piece of heaven, you were the key that got me out of my own hell.
But then you took it away.

“When you left, you left me ruined for
other men. I tried to get close, went out on dates, even had a
couple of kisses in the dark, but nothing.

“I thought all this time it was
because of the trust thing, but I know now that no one will ever do
for me what you did for me. It’s like you’d known my body forever
and knew what I needed. It will always be you for me too, Holt. I
love you like I’ve never loved another soul in my life.”

Holt’s out of the chair and at my side
on the bed in the time it takes me to blink. “Please, baby, say it
again.”

“What?”

“What you just said, your last
words... Please, I need to hear it again.”

My stomach summersaults from the
sudden excitement in his voice. The tears try to push out as I
whisper, “I love you.”

He closes his eyes for a moment and
takes in a breath. “Say it again, baby. Say my name this
time.”

“Holt,” I start, but he puts his
finger to my lips, stopping me.

“No, my name, Nicolette.”

I’m confused for a moment, but then it
comes to me. “I love you, Holton Maddox. I don’t think I ever
stopped loving you.”

I barely get those last two words out
before he’s grabbing me to him, crushing my body into his as the
tears burn my cheeks. It’s as if a weight has been lifted from my
body, a weight I’ve been carrying around way
way
too long.
All this time, I’ve just been drifting along, not really living.
Existing.

Holt brings his mouth to mine, but
with the same tenderness we shared outside earlier. In the dark,
the pounding of our hearts are nearly in sync with one another.
He’s holding back. He doesn’t know what I want. His kiss is slowly
becoming urgent, needing, pleading.

I open my mouth to him, inviting his
tongue. He takes the invitation, and to my delight, takes control.
He knows now what I want, and he’s going to give it to
me.

His hands are all over me: at my
waist, pulling my tank, pushing it up over my chest, capturing one
of my breasts and holding it firmly while he squeezes my nipple,
already hard with the anticipation of his touch. I moan with
pleasure as the heat rises between my legs. I’m already
dripping.

He pulls back, yanks my tank top over
my head, and throws it across the room. He shoves my shorts down
and I quickly kick them off as he pushes me onto the bed. I’m naked
and wet and dying for him to be inside me.

He leans over me and whispers in my
ear, “Say it again, babe.”

I smile at him. “I love you, Holton
Maddox.”

He kisses me again, sucking my lip and
thrusting his tongue into my mouth. I am alive with desire for this
man. I wrap my arms around his neck, holding onto him, never
wanting to let go. I moan into his mouth as he trails his hand down
my body, finding my legs, separating them, caressing me, feeling my
wetness.

Pulling away from my mouth, he turns
his head to my ear, whispering, “So fucking beautiful,” while
sliding a finger into me, then two, then three.

I’m on fire. I want him inside me. I
want to feel him glide into me. Feel his hips meet mine, our bodies
in motion together. He brings his lips to my ear, teasing it with
his tongue, while still stroking in and out of me. The pleasure is
building, and I can’t hold on long, but I try. God, do I
try.

He makes a trail down my neck with the
tip of his tongue, but then stops at the curve. His hot breath
blows gently on my skin. I cry out his name as he draws his tongue
back in and starts sucking. I try my best to muffle my pleasure by
shoving my face into a pillow. Aunt Helen is downstairs. I can’t
lose control. But I want it too much. Not just my body giving into
its desires this time, but my heart finally catching up.

“Tell me what you want,
Nicolette.”

“I want you...” I breathe. “I want to
feel you inside me. I want to come for you. I want to make you
come.”

His eyes are smoldering as he flashes
them shut and opens them with a devious grin.

Shit.

I nearly come just
watching.

“Hmm, my sweet Nicolette, talking
dirty to me.”

“You made me this way. You make me
want to be dirty.”

I move my body to match the rhythm of
his fingers and slowly orgasm as he keeps thrusting in and out of
me. My body shakes, out of control. He is the force that drives all
my emotions, stirs my desires, and unties the chains that hold me
down.

“That’s it, baby, come for me. Look at
me. I want to see you come.”

I open my eyes, but I can barely keep
them open as I’m still coming.

“Fuck, baby, you’re even more
beautiful when you’re coming for me.” He slowly glides his fingers
out of me.

I squeeze my legs together, not
wanting him to leave.

“Don’t worry, baby, I’m not done. Just
want to get a taste of you.” He raises his fingers to his lips and
slowly puts each one in and sucks it dry. I almost feel like coming
again just watching that. “So fucking sweet.”

I shiver at my need for him. The
feeling of never being full of him.

He’s still dressed, and I set out to
change that. I caress the back of his neck with one hand and stroke
the other across his chest, stopping at his nipple and squeezing. A
moan escapes his mouth and, as I lift up his shirt, exposing his
bare chest, I kiss and lick, tasting him.

He caresses my breasts again, pinching
the hardness of my aching nipples. I drop my hands to find his
buckle and undo it. I unbutton his jeans, tugging at the zipper,
pulling it down. I shove my hand inside his boxers, grab his cock
and start stroking it. I want it out, to wrap my mouth around it,
to stroke my tongue up and down its shaft, driving him insane like
I used to.

I force him out, kneel, and slowly
lick his hardness. The wetness my mouth makes on him matches the
wetness and ache of my own. Dying to be plunged into. Holding him
tightly in my hand, I travel down to his balls. I tease their
center with the tip of my tongue, licking from top to bottom. And
then take them in one at a time and suck. I haven’t forgotten what
sent him over the edge and, judging by the increased movement of
his hips, it still does.

I slowly travel back up, all the way
to his crown, where I roll the tip of my tongue around and around,
driving him even further into insanity. He moans, thrusting his
hips toward my mouth. Feeling his pleasure build only increases my
hunger and ache.

I squeeze my mouth tightly around him,
sucking hard. I love giving this to him. He’s about to come. He’s
grinding into my mouth. He suddenly moans out my name as the warmth
of his cum shoots to the back of my throat. I slow my sucking then
pull back, extending my tongue and licking him dry.

I lift my eyes to his face while I
take the last drops of his juices into my mouth. His arousal, his
release, knowing I gave it to him, makes me hungry. There’s no
stopping me. I want more. As he regains control, his eyes meet
mine, and I think he understands.

One moment I’m lying between his legs,
sucking him off, the next I’m being twisted and pulled until I’m on
my back and that deliciously enticing smile is looking down on me.
With his body arched over me like this, it’s a vision I’ll never
get enough of. I’m addicted to it. Addicted to him. I want to show
him. I don’t want to hold back. I’m not afraid to let go. I want to
give him me. All of me.