Shy Kinda Love (19 page)

Chapter 31

As soon as the door opens I know Ryder has somehow been informed that my dad is here. He wears a look of fury before his eyes even land on my dad. After looking me over from head to toe, Ryder stalks to my dad and swings so fast no one could have stopped him. His fist collides with my dad’s jaw so hard I hear the crunch of bone on bone. I scream as my dad stumbles a few steps, puts a hand to his jaw, and turns to face Ryder.

“Well, I’m glad to see my girl still has her bodyguard,” he says with a humorless smile. “Hello again, Ryder.”

If possible, Ryder looks even more murderous now. He lifts a finger to point right in my dad’s face. “Don’t ever call her
your girl
again. You gave
your girl
away years ago. This,” Ryder says, pointing toward me, “this is
my
girl. Now, start talking, old man. What the fuck are you doing here?”

My dad takes a step back and holds both hands up in surrender. “I’m here to warn her,” he begins, then looks back to me, “and to say goodbye.”

Ryder turns to look at me, a thousand questions in his eyes. Unable to share all that just happened with one look, I tell him, “Marco found him.”

It only takes a second for the information to register. Ryder slowly closes his eyes and when he opens them again, he growls, “And you thought you’d lead him to her doorstep?” My dad shakes his head, but Ryder doesn’t let him answer. “Then tell me, what the fuck are you doing here?”

“Because I wanted to see her one more time. I want to say goodbye.”

Ryder looks to my dad and says, “Yeah, well, you’ve seen her, you’ve said it, now get the hell out here.” But my dad isn’t looking at Ryder and he’s not listening to him; he’s looking at me.

“Nicole, earlier you said you had always hoped that one day I would love you.” He looks me in the eyes and I can see my own emptiness reflected there, just behind the tears that have begun to form. “I’ve always loved you. From the moment you came into this world you changed my heart. That day when your mother and I held you, we both knew the other would take a backseat, because we had a new love in our life.”

I gasp as the pain slices through my chest, and I throw my hands over my mouth. Hearing my father say he loves me, and talk about my mother, it causes emotions I no longer have the strength to handle. I stumble slightly and Ryder is right there to catch me and hold me up. Standing beside me, mouth near my ear, Ryder asks, “Do you want me to stop him?” I stand, still staring at my father, not knowing if I want him to continue or to walk out the door before he tears my heart out even more. I don’t have to make any decision because, after he wipes away a tear that fell down his own cheek, he continues.

“Every morning after you were born, it felt like a new reason to live. Watching you grow, try new things, learn to talk; and you wanting to do everything on your own. Every day you took us on a new adventure, with your independence, spunky attitude, and that beautiful smile. God, Nicole, even as a little girl, that smile and those beautiful blue eyes, you lit up every room you entered.” He pauses, taking in a shaky breath and wiping away another tear. I can see he’s struggling with his next words, almost choking back sobs. Finally he releases the sobs and his words: “Then they took it all away. Your mother, your laugh, your smile, your attitude, and finally your spirit.” He holds his hand over his heart, as if putting pressure on the pain, and takes a few steps toward me, tears still streaming down his cheeks.

I’m having trouble breathing again, between of the ache in my own heart and the lump in my throat. Seeing the honest pain on his face and hearing it in his voice, I feel like I’m seeing the dad I once knew. The one who would never do anything to hurt me. Seeing him like this is clouding all the horrible memories. Hearing him say all these things is filling something inside me that has been empty for years.

“After your mother left, you were obviously hurt, but not broken. You were still able to smile and laugh. After that first night, though…” He doesn’t give any further description. We both know which night he is talking about. The memories come crashing into me, intensifying every emotion that already engulfs me.

He stops his progress toward me and stands in the middle of the living room. “After that night, I watched you die slowly every day. I watched you grow into a beautiful spirit as a child, and I watched that beautiful spirit die because of me; because of the decision I made. So when you say you wanted me to love you, you need to know that I never stopped loving you. Ever. It’s myself that I despise, that I hate looking at in the mirror every day.”

He drops his eyes and starts to back away. “I’ll go now. I just needed you to know, regardless of the mistakes I made, I love you more than anyone ever will.”

That’s too much for Ryder. He lets me go and rushes my dad. “I let you say all that other shit because I think Shy needed to hear it, but that last line is bullshit! I love this girl,” he says gesturing at me, “and I can assure you that because of that love, I would
never
hurt her. Those last few years, that’s all you did, you hurt her. When you love someone you protect them, not use them for your own benefit. You should have gotten her out of there. Whatever it took.”

My dad glances from Ryder to me, looking as if he’s trying to make a decision. “I did try to get us out.”

Ryder’s anger is filling the room. “Shut up, old man. Don’t stand here and feed her a bunch of shit. If you’re here to say your piece, at least you can be honest.”

Again, my dad looks from Ryder to me, very unsure of his next words. “I never told you this,” He begins. “You hated me enough, and I was okay with that, I deserved your hate. I thought if you knew the whole truth the pain would be too much, but I can see you need the truth.” He draws in a long breath. “Once I realized what sort of business I had bought into, I wanted out. After trying to talk my way out multiple times, I knew they would never let me just walk away. So I went to the police. I went to the local police, I mean… shit… it’s not like I had a number for the FBI,” he says, gesturing to Ryder. “So, anyway, I went to the station and told an officer I had some information on the local human trafficking ring. He had me meet with the lead detective who was in charge of that specific criminal group. The guy took all my information, and told me he would get back to me in a couple of days. He told me to go about business as usual, not letting anyone know I’d talked to him. So that’s what I did. Well, two days later your mom disappeared.” I gasp, as I watch tears spill down my dad’s face. “She didn’t leave us, baby girl, they killed her because I’d gone to the police.”

I lean into Ryder, burying my face in his shirt. I allow myself to cry for my mom who lost her life because of my dad, and I cry for my dad, who lost his wife because of his choices. Somehow, in the midst of my own pain, I feel great sadness for my father. I hear him continue to speak through his tears, so I pull my face from Ryder’s chest to listen to more words that will break my heart.

I watch as my dad struggles, running both his hands through his hair, causing it to stand on end. Now, looking like a man who has lost control, he turns back to face me. “They took away any choice I had, Nicole. That’s what I need you to understand.” He closes the distance between us and reaches out for my hand. The little girl inside of me is desperate for this moment, so I reach out my hand and allow him to lead me to the couch. Ryder remains standing, ready to do whatever I need.

“The choices they gave me were barely choices at all. One option was that they would take you. As horrible as your life was in our home, if they had taken you…” He trails off, then looks away from me. “Well, anyway, I know my choices weren’t right.” His face is distorted as he sobs, sniffles, and gasps for breaths between words. “After that first night, when I realized what they were going to be doing to you, for who knows how long…” Another shaky inhale and sniffle. “…I considered killing us both… but the visual of putting a gun to your head…”

“Jesus Christ,” I hear Ryder mutter.

Now I’m gasping and snorting as I release even more sobs. I lean into him, allowing my dad to wrap his arms around me. The gesture is so common among girls and their fathers, but for me, in this moment, it is both healing and heartbreaking. “I didn’t know what to do. I knew if I tried to get help again, I’d lose you, too.” He keeps one arm wrapped around my shoulders and uses the other hand to rub the top of my head. “I love you, baby girl. I’m so sorry I made the decision that ruined us all.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? We could have run, together.”

“I can’t tell you how many times I considered that, planned for places for us to go, but I knew they’d find us. Kill us both,” he said. “It was as if they knew when I was planning it, too. We would go months without one of them visiting your room. I would think ‘well, maybe they aren’t paying attention,’ and I’d start planning our escape. Then, within days, one of them would come for you.”

“I would have rather died then lived through what they did to me,” I tell him.

He nods. “I know, and that’s why that last night,” he says, wiping at my tear-stained face, “as I watched Samuel enter your room, I knew I couldn’t do it anymore. I stood in the living room, trying to decide how to get him out of our house, when I heard you yell. I ran to your room and when I saw you under him, terrified and helpless, I decided then and there he wasn’t leaving our house alive. When I left your room, I went to get my gun. I was going to kill him and we were going to run.” He places his hands on both sides of my face. “But my baby girl was stronger than me. You had already killed him by the time I got back to the room.”

I wrinkle my brow. “But I thought you left. I thought you left me there with him.”

He shakes his head, and I see his eyes fill with tears again. “No, Nicole. Jesus. I know I let horrible things happen to you, but I was done being the dad that let his little girl be raped. When I got back to the room and saw he had stabbed you, and then you’d killed him, I panicked. I had no idea who to call. You needed a doctor and we needed the police, but both those people would lead the bad guys right to us.” He turns to look at Ryder., “Then Ryder came to the rescue. I don’t know how you did it, but an hour after you left, while I was still sitting on the floor of the bedroom staring at a dead body, an FBI agent walks through my front door.” My dad looks back at me. “He informs me that you’re safe and are being seen by a doctor. He also tells me that I can go into witness protection if I agree to testify.” He reaches up and places a hand at the back of my head, pulling me closer into his chest. “I’m so sorry, baby girl. I’m so sorry for everything.”

We sit like this, me wrapped in my father’s embrace with Ryder standing over us, for several long minutes. Eventually my dad pulls back and places a kiss on the top of my head. Even though he made the mistakes that led to our family’s destruction, I can’t help but feel comforted by his touch. I know that I should recoil and yell at him to leave, but somehow I’ve just found a way to still love this man.

“I have to go,” he says, as he kisses my head one last time and stands to leave.

Ryder, obviously not feeling any less hate for my dad, nods and gestures to the door. I stand too, then ask, “Where will you go?”

My dad shifts his eyes from me, to Ryder, then to the floor. He is weighing his words again. When he looks back up, he gives me a half-smile. “I’m going to go find Munro before he finds you.”

I jerk in surprise. “What? He’ll kill you.”

My dad reaches out one hand to cup my cheek, “That’s not the plan, but if he does, hopefully that will be enough for him and he won’t come for you.”

I pull my face away from his touch. “Dad, you don’t have to do that. Call your marshal; it’s his job to protect you, and mine will protect me.” I know I shouldn’t care; that I should let him go because of all the times he stood by and let me be hurt, but he’s still my dad.

He shakes his head. “It’s time for me to fight for my baby girl,” he says, just before turning and starting for the door.

“That’s the first thing you’ve said that we can both agree on,” Ryder spits out.

My dad glances up to me, nods, then turns and walks back out of my life.

I fall onto the couch, pull my legs up to my chest and drop my head onto my knees. I feel someone sit next to me, then an arm slides around my shoulders. I turn my head and lay my cheek on my knees, looking at Ryder as he struggles with his own emotions. Neither of us speaks.

After few minutes I hear someone come through the front door. Thinking it may be my dad again, I look up, but find Keegan watching me in Ryder’s arms.

“What the hell just happened, Shy?” she asks.

I look to Ryder, knowing he will have something to tell her. He stands and takes her by the shoulders. “You can’t tell anyone, not even Kade, about what happened here today.” Keegan tries to speak, likely to tell him she doesn’t know what happened, but he holds up a hand to stop her. “I’m gonna take Shy with me now and we’re going to try and sort this all out. Once we have some answers, we’ll be back to talk to you. Okay?” he asks.

Keegan looks very concerned, but I know that if she promises not to tell Kade, she won’t tell Kade. After staring at Ryder, considering her options, she finally nods. Ryder’s pulls her to him and kisses her on the head. “Good girl.”