Sidelined (10 page)

Speaking of which. Through the tiniest gaps between the raindrops on the window I saw the blurred outline of a pale blue Miata. Opening the window a crack confirmed it was Taylor’s car. Outside Jesse’s house. During a storm. Was she hoping to see him, or waiting for the fallout from what she did?

Without a thought, I clambered out of my car and ran across the street, again getting hit by fast-flying leaves and pounding rain that hurt my skin, and hammered on the window.

She opened her window the whole way down as if it was a hot summer day and she wanted to catch some rays. Her grin was smugger than I’d ever seen before.

How could she do that to me? What did she think would happen? Jesse wasn’t like Radleigh; he would never get mad and freak out over this. He was gentle and kind and… dammit, I’d made a complete fool of myself. I couldn’t disguise the fact I was crying. I’d been a total dumbass, telling her my problems and thinking she’d keep them to herself. Now what? She’d opened up something I’d never intended to let out, and maybe killed my friendship with Jesse in the process.

“Why did you do that?” I asked, trying to keep my voice steady.

Her laugh sent a chill down my spine. “You really are as pathetic as your friends think you are.”

My heart cracked in my chest and my entire body shook from the ice in her words. Spoken like fact. Not like I didn’t know how everyone saw me, but for her to remind me… it hurt bad.

“Oh relax,” she said. “If I’d told Jude,
then
you could be mad at me. Jesse’s too soft to hold this against you.”

“You humiliated me! Again!”

“And you humiliated me! You never once defended me to your friends and-”

“Oh, this is not the same thing! You tried to get Radleigh fired and arrested for sexual assault! Why would I defend you against that? I thought you’d changed.”

“I have changed. Now I pick my targets better. You’re so easy to manipulate. All I had to do was smile and you got sucked in. I-”

I cut her off by bringing the palm of my hand hard across her cheek then running back to the car, struggling to ignore the throbbing in my elbow. I didn’t even give myself time to enjoy the satisfaction of slapping her. I didn’t feel satisfied, only irreparably broken.

The wipers, even on full speed, couldn’t clear the water from the windshield fast enough.

The drive back from the studio was nothing compared to the drive home. Shaking, scared, hurt and ashamed, I manoeuvred the streets as the elements battered the car. I couldn’t hear anything except rain, wind and thunder, and every lightning flash robbed me of my eyesight. The whole drive back, I didn’t see another car. Through the raindrops, I did see bins blowing around the streets and trees threatening to snap and fall. I prayed hard for my safety, and when I finally pulled into my drive, tears flooded from my eyes again, and I thanked God for keeping me alive.

I wasn’t so sure He could help with the mess I’d made of everything else; I figured I’d asked enough for one day, anyway. I was breathing. Of course, every breath tore at my lungs, and I was freezing in drenched clothes for the second time.

I tried to kiss Jesse. Images flickered through my mind. The horror in his expression when I launched myself at him, and the joy on Taylor’s face when she saw me crying.

My phone rang, and a quick check showed me it was Jesse. He had to know I wouldn’t answer. I flicked the phone to silent so I wouldn’t have to hear anymore.

I ran from the car to the house, hugging my purse to my chest, and once under the cover of the porch I kicked off my shoes before going inside.

The warmth welcomed me home but I shivered where I stood, dripping rain water onto the carpet.  Too weighted down by everything to move.

“Bree?”

Jude’s footsteps echoed across the kitchen floor and his eyes widened when he saw me. I must have looked like I’d been through a carwash, soggy with hair stuck to my face and clothes clinging to my skin.

“What are you doing here?”

I managed to choke out a laugh. “I live here.”

“I told you to stay at Jesse’s!”

Jude advanced on me, gripping the tops of my arms. He surveyed me closely, as if checking for damage. “I can’t believe you drove home in this! The emergency services are being called out to help people who got stuck in the storm, and you drove home voluntarily? What the hell is wrong with you?”

All the pain, shock and fear gathered inside me, surging out as I pushed Jude away.

“Back off!” I yelled. “Back off and stop telling me what I can and can’t do!”

I dropped my purse on the floor and ran upstairs as fast as I could with wet clothes weighing me down. I went into our bedroom and into the adjoined bathroom, slamming and locking the door before sinking to the floor and sobbing.

I had no idea how much time passed before I peeled my shaking body from the floor and drew myself a bath. It felt like hours because I was so cold and tired and miserable. More than anything, I was mad. At Taylor, at Jude, at myself. Anger surged through me. It wasn’t fair to be mad at Jude for worrying about me but in the long line of times he’d told me not to do something, it just became another event to add to all the other times I’d been stifled by him.

When I eventually got out of the bath, wrapped in my robe, I found Jude sitting on the edge of our bed with his head down. My phone sat beside him.

“Jesse called you,” Jude said, turning towards me. “Your purse was vibrating across the floor. I called him back to let him know you got home safe.”

My insides froze for a second. “What did he say to you?”

Jude shrugged. “Nothing much. He wanted to make sure you got home. He asked if you could call him tomorrow.”

I nodded, knowing I probably wouldn’t. I wasn’t ready for the awkwardness of
that
conversation. I didn’t think I’d ever be ready.

“Will you sit down?” Jude’s request was gentle and I squeezed my eyes closed, trying to keep the tears inside. When did looking at him make me want to run away? Did I even
really
feel that way? My mind was like a jigsaw puzzle someone had chopped into pieces, and nothing would fit back into place long enough for me to make sense of it. Just when I thought I’d started to put it together, another piece moved, flipped over, disappeared. Jude probably had his own jigsaw. No. He
did
. I saw it in his eyes every time he looked at me.
I
was his puzzle.

How could I solve it for him when I didn’t have the answers myself?

“Jude, would it be okay if I sleep in the spare room tonight?” I paused, swallowing the rising lump in my throat. “I want to talk, I just can’t right now.”

The hurt on his face surprised me, pained me. His eyes dimmed and a shiver of regret coursed through me. “I need you to answer one question first.”

“Jude, I can barely remember who I am tonight. I don’t think I can answer any questions more complicated than whether or not I want a hot chocolate. And the answer to that is yes.”

A smile flickered on Jude’s lips but it faded as fast as it appeared. “Did I do this to us?”

Unsure what “this” was I shook my head. “I don’t know how to answer you. Please. I want a hot drink, and to go to bed. Tomorrow we’ll talk.”

Even if I have no idea what to say. I gotta try.

Chapter
9 – Gone Too Soon

“Bree. Bree, wake up, please.”

Didn’t I only fall asleep a few minutes ago?
The early morning light streaming through the gap in the curtains told me otherwise. Man, I’d virtually passed out around nine-thirty the night before even though I was sure I wouldn’t be able to sleep in one of the spare rooms. Stupid really, it used to be my bedroom before I got with Jude. I wasn’t used to it anymore, though. The room was alien, void of personal touches. Void of anything of mine.

“What time is it?” I mumbled, not fully conscious yet. Not conscious enough to remember the way I’d left things with Jude. Or any of the other things that had happened the day before.

“A little after seven. Bree, please. I need you to wake up.”

A tremble in his voice prompted me to blink a few times then open my eyes properly. Jude perched on the side of the bed, his eyes damp with tears.

“Jude.” I shuffled onto my side to face him, hair falling in front of my face.

With gentle fingers he pushed the escaped locks aside. “Something happened last night. I… I just got a call.”

Last night?
The storm. I sprang into an upright position so fast Jude almost fell off the bed. What could have happened? I checked on everyone while I was at Jesse’s.

Jesse. Oh crap. The memories of him rejecting me hurtled into my head.

Don’t go there. Not now.

“What happened, Jude?”

His chest rose and fell a few times and he blinked away his tears. “It’s Will. When he was… he was trying to get home to Freya last night. The worst of the storm had passed and… he called her to tell her he was on his way.” He drew in a deep breath and blew it out slowly. “It wasn’t as safe as he thought. The surface water on the roads… and it was still raining, and the wind… he lost control of the car. He… he didn’t make it home. Will’s dead.”

Jude bent his head, sobs shaking his shoulders.

Without any warning, two images flashed before me. My dad, lying in bed, pale and weak from illness right before he died. Then my mom, hanging from the ceiling, her body limp.

And me screaming. Screaming because I’d lost the two most important people in my life.

Will. Dead.

Something inside me shut down. An unexpected calmness ran through me, almost as if I’d been expecting this news, which obviously I totally hadn’t.

I put my arms around Jude because it was the right thing to do. I felt nothing. De-sensitized from everything.

“Freya wants you and Leah to go to her,” Jude said, wiping his eyes then holding me tightly again. “As soon as you can.”

I nodded. “Of course. I’ll… I’ll get dressed.”

It was selfish but I needed to be away from him for a minute until what he’d said fully sunk in. Refusing to look at him I gave him a soft kiss on the cheek and headed into the bathroom to freshen up.

After locking the door, I leaned back against it, and again I saw my mom and dad, dead and dying. A shiver rippled down my spine. When I was a kid, I had so many nightmares, especially about my mom. Sometimes I’d dream about her hanging from the light fitting, when suddenly her eyes would open and she’d tell me I wasn’t worth staying around for. Sometimes, in my dreams, she’d move around, still attached to the ceiling, dancing around like a morbid puppet. I never understood that particular dream. I’d completely forgotten until Jude told me Will was dead, and every death I’d experienced rushed back to me.

But this wasn’t about my parents. This was about Will. The guy who had
finally
made one of my best friends complete. Who had been the happiest he’d ever been when he was with her. Just when they both had everything they always wanted, his life was snatched away.

So why wasn’t I crying?

Quit being so self-involved and get ready. Freya needs you. Jude needs you.

I didn’t want to be needed, though. I wanted to… I don’t know… go shopping or swimming or… anything so I didn’t have to think about what was happening. I kept hearing the words.
Will’s dead. Will’s dead. Will’s dead
. Dead. It didn’t seem real, like it was happening around me or to someone else.

With a shake of my head I turned on the shower and tried to wash some emotion into myself.

Considering how insane the weather had been the night before, everything was eerily quiet in the daylight. Grey clouds lurked in the sky, threatening rain, but the air was still. If it weren’t for the mess of fallen trees and branches it would have been hard to tell a storm had even happened.

I’d never seen so many cars outside Freya’s apartment. I recognised Richard’s – the Warriors’ manager, and Miguel’s, and Leah and Radleigh pulled in right behind us. There were a couple of cars I hadn’t seen before – probably belonging to Freya’s family. Everyone had rushed to be with her. I knew it wouldn’t help. Well-meaning people offering words of comfort; kind, but ultimately useless. They couldn’t bring back the only person Freya wanted.

Jude and I got out of the car and waited for Leah and Radleigh before going inside. Leah was shaking, her face pale. Radleigh kept his arm around her, holding her close. Everyone looked wrong. Too sombre. Obviously with good reason, yet I still felt calm, and perhaps a little uncomfortable
because
I felt so calm.

I took Jude’s hand. He’d been silent since he told me the news, as if talking any more would make everything so much more real. The only sound in the car was the local radio, telling us there had been more than ten deaths due to the weather, and many more people injured.

When Leah and Radeigh reached us, Leah collapsed into me, sobbing onto my shoulder.

“What are we going to say to her, Bree?”

Will had been one of Leah’s first friends at Westberg, along with Freya. The three of them had always been close. Well, apart from that time Leah slept with Radleigh while dating Miguel, but they soon patched things up. The point is, Leah’s connection to Will was strong, and seeing her so upset created the first crack in my composure.

I wrapped my arms around her, hoping I could give her a little comfort. Not easy when my own emotions had gone on vacation without telling me. “I don’t know. I figured we’d work it out when we get in there. I don’t know how to talk to her either.”

Glancing up at Radleigh I noted the concern on his face. The last thing Leah needed so early in her pregnancy was this level of stress and I held her tighter, giving Radleigh a small nod to let him know I’d do my best to take care of her.

Ha. You can’t even take care of yourself.

The voice in my head sounded a lot like Taylor’s and I dug deep to locate some inner strength to push her away.

“Come on,” I said, softly. “We should go in. Freya’s waiting for us.”

The four of us - holding hands - made our way towards the apartment building’s entrance. Leah still had a key from when she lived there, and with a shaky hand, she let us in. In silence, we walked up the stairs and Freya’s door opened just as we got there.

Richard stepped out into the hallway, then paused and scrubbed his hands over his face.

“Hey.” He rolled his shoulders to release some tension. “It was good of you guys to come over.”

“Freya’s mom called and said she needed us,” Leah told him. “How is she?”

Richard shook his head. “I’ve never seen her like this before. She’s not speaking right now. She hasn’t spoken a word for hours. I’ve been here since five, after I got the call. I have to go now to see Will’s parents. I can’t think of anything I want to do less.”

Jude stepped up and gave him a supportive, slightly awkward, pat on the back. “You should go home and rest before you see them. Give yourself a break.”

“I can’t, Jude. I can’t stop until this is done because if I do… I just don’t want to think until I’ve done everything I have to do.”

Once, Jude told me the reason Richard was such a great manager was because he stayed calm under pressure, and no matter what happened he always put other people first. In that second I saw for myself how right he was. Richard’s shoulders sagged, his eyes lacked their usual fire. He wanted to go home and cry for his lost colleague, I knew it. Instead he had to do something way tougher.

“Jude, why don’t you go with Richard?”

The words didn’t come because I wanted to be away from Jude this time. They came from a place that felt more like me. Well, me before my meltdown over work and Jesse and everything else. Richard needed someone to talk to, Jude needed to feel useful, and I had to get my crap together and be a good friend to Freya.

Jude looked down at me and as our eyes connected the first flicker of normality flared between us. “Are you sure?”

I nodded. “I’m sure. I’ll be okay here, we’re all together. Richard shouldn’t be the only person alone today.”

Richard gave me a grateful smile and Radleigh rested his hand on my shoulder. “We’ll be here for Bree. She’s right. You should go with Richard.”

Jude hesitated only for a second before leaning in and planting a kiss on my cheek; a kiss I actually felt and didn’t want to rub away. “Okay. I’ll call you later when we’re headed back.”

As Jude and Richard left, Leah, Radleigh and I took in a collective breath before entering Freya’s apartment.

Flowers. As early as it was, someone had already brought Freya flowers. The scent triggered another memory. After my dad died, everyone sent flowers. Flowers of all varieties and smells. Flowers don’t last forever. When they start to wilt and die, and the water gets gross, the stench is disgusting. Kinda fitting, I guess, that dying flowers remind me of death. They’re a visual representation of the person being mourned. Beautiful while alive; gone too soon, leaving behind the memory of what used to be.

I scrunched up my nose, trying to block the memory out, and Leah reached for my hand again as we headed towards the sound of voices in the living room.

Freya sat on the edge of the sofa, slightly hunched over, staring straight ahead at the glass doors. Her mom sat beside her, and her sister and a guy I didn’t recognise spoke softly together in the corner. Miguel watched Freya with concern from his spot on the floor in front of the television, and Bryce – whose car I hadn’t seen outside – leaned against the wall by the doors also keeping a close watch on Freya.

Freya’s mom rose from her seat as she spotted us. She had dark circles under her eyes and I realised she’d probably been there since the middle of the night, trying as best as she could to be there for her youngest daughter.

“Thanks for coming,” she said, attempting a smile. “Can I get you a drink?”

Radleigh shook his head. “Sit down. I’ll make the drinks.”

Mrs Phillips patted his arm and before he had a chance to head to the kitchen, Freya turned her head. When she saw us a single tear trickled from the corner of her eye.

“Please,” she said, her voice croaky. “Can you all please leave? I only want Leah and Bree right now.”

Glances were exchanged between everyone in the room before they slowly moved from the positions they’d been in for maybe hours and filtered out to the hallway. Mrs Phillips kissed the top of Freya’s head before leaving us alone.

As soon as the door closed, Freya lowered her head and let out a gut-wrenching sob that shattered my calmness into a million pieces.
Please don’t let her be like Mom. Please don’t let the light leave her eyes.
Freya bowed her head, trembling, and Leah and I rushed to her side, enveloping her in our arms.

Holding her tightly like we were trying to hold her together, I let my own tears fall onto her hair. On Freya’s opposite side Leah did the same, the three of us a huge mess of grief. My stomach and heart ached in a way I hoped never to experience again. However much I hurt wasn’t even a fraction of how much Freya hurt. Tiny bits of my best friend fell away with every tear she cried and no matter how hard we hugged her and how many kind words we spoke, it’d all bounce right off her.

“Freya, I’m so sorry,” Leah choked out. “I wish I had something better to say, but that’s what it comes back to. I’m sorry.”

“People keep saying that.” Freya’s voice was hoarse and weak. “I don’t even understand what’s happening. Yesterday I had everything. Now… I have nothing.”

Leah opened her mouth to refute what she’d said. I caught her eye and gave a single shake of my head. Not because I didn’t want Freya to be reminded of the things she still had going for her. But because I understood those things didn’t matter at that moment. She already knew her friends would do everything to help her. More than anything she needed people to be around her. To wait, to listen. To sit beside her and hold her. In the coming days and weeks she’d hear every cliché thing people always say when someone dies.
‘At least he didn’t suffer,’ ‘He’s gone to a better place’, ‘Cheer up, he wouldn’t want to see you so upset.’
There’s nothing wrong with those words; the sentiments behind them are always full of good intentions. When you’re the one hearing them, though, you just have to smile and nod, understanding they don’t mean to say the wrong thing, but really? Even if he didn’t suffer he’s still dead, and how could there be a better place for him than with the woman he loved?