Sidelined (13 page)

“It’s no surprise your dad left us,” Mom said, her head tilted to one side. “You weren’t worth staying around for.”

Taylor’s giggle was as hollow and chilling as her gaze. “Everyone will leave you. Your head is full of air. You can’t think for yourself. Who would want you?”

The three puppet-like forms laughed, and Will’s lifeless body swung towards me. I ducked, screaming and covering my ears with my hands as the laughter got louder and louder.

Louder and louder, their words circling round and round. “You’re not enough”. “You’re stupid”. “You’re selfish”. Round and round on a loop as their bodies swung at me, around me. No escape.

“Bree! Wake up!”

“Stupid, selfish, not worth it,” I mumbled into my pillow.

“Bree, please!”

As if I’d been plunged into a bucket of cold water, I gasped and sat up straight, fully expecting to see the tormentors from my nightmare in front of me. I blinked. Nope. Just my bedroom. I wiped my hand across my forehead, sweat clinging to my skin. I was drenched and breathing hard. Jude’s arms wrapped around me and crushed me against his bare chest. Relief I’d woken up and gratitude that Jude was right there when I needed him caused tears to rain from my eyes in hard, body shaking sobs.

“It’s okay.” Jude pulled me in even closer, tucking my head under his chin. “You’re awake now, it’s okay.”

“Nightmares. Horrible nightmares.”

“I guessed. You were screaming. I thought… I thought someone was hurting you.”

I clung to him, finally aware of how fast Jude’s heart was beating. If he heard me from a couple of rooms away, I’d screamed really freaking loud.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know… I haven’t had a nightmare in a long time. Thank you. Thanks for waking me up.”

“You think I’d leave you like that?” Jude pulled away from me a little so we could see each other and he let go of me for a second to flick on the bedside lamp. “I’ve never been so scared. Not since… well, since you had nightmares before.”

When I first moved in with Jude, I’d woken up screaming a handful of times. Sometimes he didn’t hear, but when he did he was always beside me, ready to listen if I wanted to talk, or just stay until I fell asleep again.

“You wanna tell me about it?” he asked.

“I do, but… maybe we should wait until the morning.”

He pushed my hair out of my face then gently rested his hand on the back of my neck. “If you need me now, talk to me now.”

“I need you now.”

Jude gave me a small, encouraging smile, and I explained what I saw in my nightmare. I had to keep my eyes wide open for fear if I closed them, I’d see them again. Mom, Will, Taylor, all laughing at me, reminding me of the worst parts of myself. When I’d finished, Jude pressed his lips against my forehead.

“Honey, you know those things aren’t true, right?”

I shrugged. “I’ve been a bitch. Maybe it’s all true.”

“No. You’ve just got a lot of things going through your mind right now. Will… it was bound to make you remember things you’d rather forget. You haven’t talked about your parents in a long time.”

A slight tension crept through the room as our conversation from earlier made an unspoken appearance. Apparently, family was the theme of the day.

“I haven’t thought about them in a long time. I mean, I think about them every day but I don’t let it take over the way I used to.”

“Your dad wasn’t in your dream.”

I took a moment to think about that. Since every other person I knew who had died was there, why hadn’t he made an appearance?

“I know why,” I said. “Dad knew he was dying and he made peace with it. When he died, he was ready to go. Mom wasn’t happy, she didn’t want to be here anymore. Will shouldn’t have died. He wasn’t sick, and he wasn’t old. And Taylor wasn’t either. She was a cold-hearted witch but she didn’t deserve to die. Maybe that’s what’s different. Dad wasn’t angry with me when he died.”

The ache that had settled inside me earlier resurfaced and I let my head fall back onto Jude’s shoulder while I took some deep breaths, hoping to get the pain under control.

“I can’t speak for your mom, or Will and Taylor, but from everything you’ve always told me about your mom, she loved you a lot. She had no reason to be angry with you.”

“Maybe not in reality. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I always thought she would have preferred if I was the one who’d died.”

How had I never said that out loud before? I knew she loved me; never had a single doubt. But when she never found a way to be happy again after my dad died, I’d told myself she would have given me up if she could get him back. It wasn’t something I’d been aware of, not really. A nagging thought tucked away in the depths of my brain. Was my endless cheerfulness a mask to hide my doubts? Or was I just tired, overemotional and confused?

“Do you think I need therapy? Not retail,” I added, quickly, making Jude chuckle. “Actual therapy.”

Instead of answering right away, he let go of me for a moment then lifted the bed covers and climbed in beside me. He pulled me right back into his arms, and I breathed him in as I snuggled against him. So familiar. So right.

“I think you need to talk about some things,” Jude said, his hand trailing up and down my back. “You might have some feelings from a long time ago you need to deal with. I’m here for you, but if you want to talk to a counsellor or something, that’s okay. It’s up to you.”

“What about us, Jude? Are we going to be okay?”

I was a little afraid of what I’d see when I looked up at him, but I had to know. Had to see the truth. His eyes were soft. Vulnerable.

“I haven’t slept yet. I’ve been thinking about what you said, and what you did. I can’t say it’s easy for me to think about you having feelings for someone else. Even if they didn’t last for long. I’ve always been a little afraid of losing you, and-”

“Wait.
You
were scared of losing
me
? Why?”

I didn’t mean to interrupt, but his revelation triggered the ‘on’ switch in my head.

Jude’s eyes narrowed a little. “What do you mean, ‘why’?”

“We met in a parking lot. While I was trying to steal your car.”

“You weren’t trying to steal my car. You were being attacked for refusing to steal my car. And what’s your point?”

“You don’t think you could do better than me?”

Jude shook his head, his face serious. “You’re my wife. There’s nobody better than you.”

“There are millions of people better than me.”

“No. There aren’t.”

The clouds parted. Not the actual clouds in the sky; the clouds in my mind. The way Jude looked at me reminded me of the way he’d looked at me on our wedding day. Intense, focused. Closing my eyes, I took myself back to that day, when we stood up in front of everyone we loved and promised to be together forever. Jude’s eyes shone with pride and I didn’t think I could love him any more than I did when we kissed for the first time as husband and wife.

When he leaned over and brushed my lips with his, he proved me wrong.

“I love you,” he said. “Whatever it takes to fix the things we messed up, I’ll do. Just tell me what you need.”

A rush of emotion washed over me, filling every part of me with warmth because I was the one who messed up yet he was still willing to change anything I asked.

How could I ever have thought I wanted or needed anything different?

“I have everything I need right here.”

We still had work to do to put us back on track, and that was okay with me. The most important thing was knowing we were both ready to try.

Chapter
13 – He’ll Never Really Be Gone

The following days passed by in a blur of nightmares and tears. Since Will died, I’d woken up every night screaming after the same painful dreams tormented me. I tried everything I could think of to make it stop; mostly taking time out with Jude to talk and figure out why those thoughts wouldn’t leave me. The big problem I had was that deep inside me, I believed what my dreams told me. It took Will’s death to trigger all the things I’d forgotten, and while I refused to let those dreams take over everything, I wouldn’t let them lurk in my mind any longer. I’d joked about needing therapy but after four days of waking up drenched in sweat and sobbing, the time for jokes was over. Jude and I found a therapist in the city, and I booked an appointment right away.

Grief became the norm for everyone at Westberg leading up to Will’s funeral. Freya’s closest friends and teammates stopped by her apartment, taking turns to make absolutely certain she was never left alone. She hadn’t spent a night on her own because her mom and sister had practically moved in. I couldn’t tell whether Freya was relieved not to be on her own, or craving some time alone to breathe. She’d still barely spoken to anyone. Leah hadn’t been able to get her to open up much more than she did the first day we saw her. She kept busy, helping with the funeral arrangements and steering every conversation away from anything to do with emotions. Her strength amazed me, but the crash was coming. She couldn’t run from it forever, and waiting for it to happen kept me on edge.

The day of Will’s funeral rolled around way too quickly. In some ways it was a relief. The lead-up to a funeral makes everyone antsy. So much to do, so much to organise before the last goodbyes. The day of the funeral brought a sense of finality to a week of extreme emotions. I was ready to say goodbye to Will, but afraid this would be the day Freya would crack, and nervous about attending the first funeral I’d been to since my mom’s. Every day it got closer my anxiety got worse, and so did my nightmares. I was concerned for Jude, too. He didn’t say so, but he was struggling. He’d gone quiet again, and while he answered me when I spoke to him, I knew he wasn’t quite with me.

“Are you okay?” I asked him, straightening his tie in our bedroom as the clock ticked closer to the time we had to head to the church.

Jude gave a small nod, resting his hands on my waist. “I just want today to be over.”

“Me too.”

“How are you holding up?”

“So far, so good. I don’t think I’ll know until we get there. This will be the first time we’ve all been together without Will around.”

“I never thought of it that way. Mostly I’ve been thinking about how I’m going to stay strong for you, and for Freya. And everyone.”

Reaching up, I put my hands around the back of his neck, gently forcing him to look at me. “Today is the day you don’t have to be strong for anyone. We’ll all be there, the whole team, and we all feel the same way. At the funeral you do whatever you need to do. You’ve been amazing this week. Now you can let yourself be a little selfish.”

Jude wrapped me up in his arms and gave me a long, slow kiss that warmed me from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. I needed it, needed to be as close to him as possible. I didn’t want to waste another second with him and I hadn’t since my first nightmare.

“Same goes for you, you know? Jude said. “You’ve done everything you can for Freya. You’re allowed to let go today, too.”

“I will.”

Jude took a small step away from me, checking his appearance in the mirror and smoothing down his jacket. “Are you ready?”

I nodded, letting out a sigh because I’d never be ready. “Let’s go.”

The local churchyard was already swarming with mourners when Jude and I arrived. A sea of black greeted us and I held Jude’s hand tighter as panic gripped me. My breath quickened and my palms began to sweat as I slipped back into my teenage self for a second, and saw all those sad, pitying eyes looking at me. I wanted to run away, as far from the church as possible so I didn’t have to be reminded of the things that kept waking me up every night.

No. Save it for therapy. This is for Will.

I blinked a few times, bringing myself back into the present where Will’s friends and family were gathered, talking in hushed tones waiting for Freya to arrive. The sombre almost-silence sent another chill through me but I pushed through it, focusing hard on Jude and looking around for Leah and Radleigh. It was difficult to spot anyone amongst the crowds of people. I knew Will had a large family, but there were also soccer players and coaches who had flown in from other teams waiting for a chance to say goodbye. I recognised one or two of them from the times I’d been on the road with the Warriors, and seeing them in L.A to support the guys warmed my heart.

“Honey, will you be okay for a second while I got talk to Richard?”

I swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded. “Sure. I’ll keep looking for Leah.”

When he smiled down at me, a bit more of the chill faded.

As Jude walked away, I took a deep breath and looked around, trying to find someone I knew to talk to. Behind the visiting soccer players I spotted Miguel, Cody and Bryce, but there were just too many people to easily find who I was looking for.

“Hey, Bree.”

While I’d searched around for my friends, I hadn’t noticed Jesse right behind me.

Jude and I hadn’t discussed my
thing
with Jesse since the night Jude overheard Kayla and me, and neither of us had seen him. I wanted to but I was unsure where Jude stood on my friendship with Jesse. It wasn’t the right time to ask, not while Jude mourned his best friend. I’d spoken to Jesse on the phone to let him know about Taylor’s letter, and that I’d told Jude what I did. Not seeing him face to face had made it harder to apologise properly, so I didn’t. Everything seemed to be on hold, our individual issues frozen while we tried to support Freya. I was eager to get things sorted out, though, and when I looked into Jesse’s eyes, he obviously felt the same way.

“This is so awkward,” he said, gripping onto his crutches so hard his knuckles turned white. “But I think we should talk.”

As I stared at him, my heart wasn’t beating faster; no butterflies in my stomach.
Yay! Back to normal!

We both stood shuffling our feet, not speaking. Usually I’d have greeted him with a hug but I’d crossed a line and until this conversation happened, I didn’t want to push it.

I thought being in Jesse’s room while I had feelings for him was uncomfortable but this was way worse. I knew our friendship wouldn’t suffer in the long term because I’d tried to kiss him. But neither of us knew how Jude would react to Jesse, and the waiting killed me.

Jesse gave me a small grin. “I know you’re trying to think of the right words to say but I don’t need them. I know you’re sorry and I understand what you were going through when you tried to kiss me. I’m cool with pretending it never happened.”

That smile. The smile of one of my favourite people. I melted a little. Not in an
OMG-I-think-I-love-him
way. In an
I’m-so-lucky-to-have-him-in-my-life
kind of way.

“Thanks, Jesse. I really am sorry.”

“Stop. Doesn’t matter. We’re good. And before I forget.” Jesse wriggled one of his hands free from his crutches and reached into the inside pocket of his jacket. “I have something for you. This is from Kayla. She says she’s sorry she couldn’t give it to you herself, but she wants you to have it.”

He pulled out a long, flowing piece of material. Kayla’s giraffe scarf. The one I’d been ready to fight her for.

“Isn’t that the scarf you bought her for Christmas?” I asked.

“Yeah. She said you loved it when you did that photo shoot thing and she thought it might be comforting for you. I promised to buy her a new one for her birthday.”

“Are you sure?” I fingered the delicate material, tears filling my eyes. How could anyone blame me for becoming so attached to such a generous, sweet family?

“I’m sure. We both are.”

“Thank you.”

I wound the scarf around me; it still smelled sweet, like Kayla’s perfume. She was right. It did comfort me.

“Hey.”

Jude touched my shoulder and the tension rose slightly, his eyes flicking between Jesse and me. He’d obviously seen Jesse give me the scarf and my heart rate kicked up again. This was exactly what we didn’t need, for him to get the wrong idea.

“Jesse just-”

“I heard,” Jude interrupted. “It’s from Kayla.”

Jesse cleared his throat. “I’m not sure how to say this without sounding like an a-hole.” His cheeks coloured slightly and I suppressed a laugh because I already knew what he was struggling to say. “Bree’s been amazing since my operation, visiting and stopping me from going crazy at my parents’ house. She’s great with Kayla, too. I couldn’t ask for a better friend. But I love my girlfriend and there’s nothing… I mean… I don’t-”

“He’s not into me,” I finished. “That’s what he’s trying to say.”

“This is not the best time or place, I know,” Jesse went on. “But I wanted to get it cleared up. I don’t want any bad feeling between us.”

Jude reached his hand out towards Jesse. “No hard feelings. There are bigger things to think about, especially today.”

As Jesse shook Jude’s offered hand, more of the weight I’d carried around lifted away from me. Jude wrapped his arm around my shoulders, and the sound of a car pulling up outside the church gates forced us back to reality.

“That’s Freya,” I said, leaning against Jude for support. My vision swam at the sight of her, and Will’s parents getting out of the limo.

That was me once. Climbing out of the limo with my mom’s best friend while Mom’s casket waited in the church.

Every death is different. Death of a parent, death of a brother or sister, death of a husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend. The one thing they all have in common is the overwhelming agony at knowing you’ll never get to see your loved one again and my heart ached for my friend as she very slowly made her way towards the church; Will’s mom on one side of her, and his dad on the other.

“We should go inside,” Jude said, tightening his arm around me.

All around us, people started to file into the church and we joined the throng. Every step closer set my flight instincts into a higher gear. Jude must have felt my pulse quicken because he squeezed my hand, leaned down and whispered, “Just breathe. If you need to leave, we can leave.”

“No. We can’t. No matter how bad I feel, I’m staying. I can do this. Not just for Freya, but for you.”

Jude’s hand shook in mine. He gave me a grateful smile before looking over at Jesse who was on my other side. With my stupid, meaningless crush on him getting in the way I hadn’t had a chance to talk to him about Will. Just another way I’d failed. Jesse had been mostly alone since he couldn’t get around on his own to visit Freya, or any of his other friends. Watching him stare straight ahead, I wished I’d taken more time to talk to him. And it wasn’t just Will. In spite of what happened between them, Jesse had lost Taylor, too.

“Jesse?”

His attention snapped to me, and he shook his head like he’d been lost in thought.

“Did you hear anything more from Taylor’s mom?”

“Yeah. I meant to tell you later. Taylor’s funeral is next week.” He paused. “I’m gonna go. If you want to come with me, I’d appreciate it. If not, I understand. My mom said she’ll go with me if you don’t want to.”

Two funerals less than a week apart? One for someone I cared for, and one for someone who I used to care for. Someone who made several attempts to turn my life to shit. I wondered who else would be at her funeral aside from her family. She never mentioned having any other friends outside of Jesse and me. Sad. All her efforts went on destroying people, or trying to get close to them in the wrong ways. I glanced up at Jude, who shrugged.

“I don’t know, Jesse. Can I get back to you?”

“Sure you can. Do you still have Taylor’s journal?”

Oh God. What if her mom wants it back?
I’d tossed the book so far, and into so many pieces.

“I kind of… drowned it.”

Jesse laughed, not loud, but it still caused a few heads to turn in his direction. His cheeks coloured for the second time that morning and he ducked his head to avoid the glares.

“Sorry,” I whispered. “Didn’t mean to get you into trouble. Did you want to read the journal?”

“Not even a little bit. I just wondered what you’d done with it. I’m glad it’s gone.”

Our first steps into the church quietened us. Now everything really was silent apart from the shuffling of footsteps across the dusty wooden floor.

I intended to keep my promise to stay but my first glimpse of the casket tested me. Will was inside that box… Will. In movies, when someone dies, sometimes a scene plays out in slow motion showing all the memorable moments of the person who’s gone. I saw Will’s highlight reel play out in front of me, brightening up the darkness of all the black-clad people in front of me. I saw him the first time we met, looking at me as if he wasn’t sure if I belonged on this planet. I saw him during training, laughing with Jude and Miguel. I saw him goofing off with Freya one night at a club, and having a serious conversation with Leah in London. I saw him and Freya dancing together at my birthday party, then unpacking his things when he moved into her apartment. That last memory was such a short time ago and now he’d gone. One storm put an end to his life.