Sidelined (14 page)

And the last thing I ever said to him was ‘Go to hell.’
My stomach clenched, making me feel sick. More than anything I’d done in my whole life, I regretted those words. I never got a chance to apologise and explain I didn’t mean any of the horrid things I said that day. I’d relived it over and over, thinking of the things I should have said instead of bitching him out. No amount of thoughts could change the facts.

I forced myself to look away from the casket and my eyes immediately found Leah and Radleigh. They must have entered the church way before everyone else. They sat in the third row from the front, on the right, and Radleigh had his arms wrapped tightly around Leah, her head nestled against his neck. I tugged lightly on Jude’s hand and gestured in their direction. That was where I needed to be. If I couldn’t be with Freya, I had to be close to Leah.

It took a while, but we eventually reached them. I slid in beside Leah, Jude beside me, and Jesse at the end of the row. Leah unwound herself from Radleigh, and one look at her swollen eyes and tear-stained cheeks sent me over the edge. I bundled her into my arms.

“I don’t know if I can do this,” she choked out in as low a voice as she could manage.

We all have our reasons to run from this, I guess. 

“You can,” I whispered. “We can do this together.”

Jude shifted closer to me, and Radleigh did the same beside Leah. The closeness blocked out a tiny bit of the pain, but only for a moment. Everyone stood as Will’s family and Freya entered the church. They all had their heads bowed, occasionally looking up to cast grateful yet sad smiles at the people who’d come to the funeral.

My eyes fixated on Freya. I’d seen her every day since the accident but she suddenly looked frail and drawn. Her skin was paper white, dusted with some light blush to hide the paleness, but there was no disguising the dark circles under her eyes. Her arm was linked with Will’s mom’s, the two of them holding each other up. Will’s dad stood tall, a tower of strength beside the two women who loved Will more than anything in the world. His head held high, but he had the same expression of agony etched into his face.

They took their seats, and as the priest stepped forward, everything blurred in front of me again. This time it wasn’t my memory taking me backwards. Tears had clouded my vision.

Words drifted in and out of my consciousness. I heard every word the priest spoke and yet I didn’t remember any of them. My gaze moved back and forth. Casket. Freya. Jude. Casket. Freya. Jude. It wasn’t until Richard stood up to deliver his eulogy that I dragged myself out of my fog and put my focus on him.

The atmosphere inside the church shifted; people shuffled in their seats ready to hear what Richard had to say. Richard held his notes in shaky hands and cleared his throat, casting a nervous look at the faces staring back at him.

“When Freya asked me to deliver a eulogy, I only had one thought. How would I fit everything important about Will into one short speech? You see, Will was sort of low key to the people who didn’t know him well. The guy who did his job without complaint, and always with one hundred percent dedication. But that was just one side of him. Those who knew him best will tell you he was serious, but always knew when to lighten up. They’ll tell you there was nothing he wouldn’t do for his family and friends. They’ll tell you he was never happier than when he was with Freya. That’s what I’d like to focus on today.

“When someone is taken from us, they always leave behind a legacy. It didn’t take too long for me to realise what Will’s legacy is. It’s happiness. It’s going after what you want with everything you have and holding on tight. The longest running joke in the Warriors’ locker room was how long it would be before Will and Freya would get together.” A small ripple of laughter echoed around the church at the truth of that statement. “We all knew it would happen, but Will liked to weigh everything up, make sure he got it right. In the end, he threw that plan away and blurted his feelings out in a hotel room in London.” Again, another laugh. Beside me, Leah smiled through her tears. It was partly down to her persistence that Will made his move. “The amount of time Will took to make his dream come true isn’t important. What I’ll always remember him for is his courage to take a leap of faith, his commitment to loving Freya, and how happy he was every time he talked about his family. Will knew what mattered. He cherished the people he loved.” Richard paused and turned towards Will’s casket. He drew in a ragged breath and brushed a tear from his eye. “Will Carter, we will miss you every day, and I promise I will do all I can to take care of the people you left behind.” Richard turned back to tearful faces of the congregation, his hands shaking harder than ever as he fought to get through the last of his eulogy. “When you leave the church today, and any time things start to get rough, remember Will. Remember him and focus on the little things that make you happy. When you lose faith, think of him and remember that if you don’t take a chance, you’ll never know what you could have had. Most of all, love hard and never hold back. Keep Will’s legacy close to your hearts, and he’ll never really be gone.”

Giving a small nod of thanks, Richard picked up his notes and slowly walked back to his seat, tears falling down his cheeks.

As we gathered around the graveside a short time later, Richard’s words replayed in my mind.
Love hard and never hold back.
I’d held back from Jude. I hadn’t explained how I felt, and that was how I got myself into such a mess. I consoled myself with the knowledge I’d never stopped loving him, but I could have loved harder. I could have told him more. I could have shown him more.

With just Will’s closest family and friends around the hole in the ground where Will would finally be laid to rest, my mind began to flicker in and out of reality again. I’d hung in there this long, just a little more and it would be over. But with less people around there was less to take note of. My eyes took up the now familiar pattern, with one new addition. Casket, Freya, Jude, hole.

The priest was talking again but I couldn’t listen. I concentrated on the feeling of Jude’s arms around me, holding me against him. Prayers were said, people sobbed and sniffled around me. My own tears continued to rain down my face.

Then, an almighty scream.

Pulled out of my grief-stricken trance, I saw Freya slump over Will’s casket, her hands on the top as if hugging it.

The priest had stopped talking. It was time for Will to go, but Freya’s scream sliced through the air, sending fear, panic and coldness to every part of me.

“No! Please, I can’t, I’m not ready!”

Will’s dad and Freya’s mom rushed over to her, trying to gently prise her away from the casket but she wouldn’t budge.

“Please don’t leave me!” she sobbed. “Please, come back! I need you, you have to come back!”

“Freya,” her mom said, stroking her hair while fighting her own tears. “You have to come away now.”

“No! I can’t leave him, I can’t! Just a little bit longer! Mom, please. Just a little bit longer.”

Out of respect for Freya, and possibly the heartbreak at seeing her like that, almost everyone slowly moved away from the graveside. Both Leah and I began to make a run towards Freya, but Jude and Radleigh held us back.

“Let her be,” Jude whispered. My heart was pounding with the need to go to her, and sobs wracked my body. I needed to hold onto her and let her know I was there. She had to know she wasn’t alone. “Bree. There’s nothing you can do right now.”

Radleigh whispered similar things to Leah, who continued to try to pull away from him but he held firm. He lifted her off the ground, making sure to hold her as close to him as possible while her pain poured out of her. He was still whispering gently in her ear as he carried her away, but all she could do was turn her head, trying to keep watch on Freya who clung to the casket.

In all my life, I’d never hurt so much for another person. I wanted to crawl out of my own skin to make it stop, and yet I’d still have taken on Freya’s pain too, just so she wouldn’t have to feel it. That was my girl. My best friend who was always so quiet, unassuming and calm, screaming because the man she loved was gone.

I let Jude lead me away towards the car because he was right. There was nothing I could do for her. She needed that moment to let the grief take her over in a way she had refused to allow before. She had to cry, and beg, and wish for a miracle she knew in her heart could never happen.

“Jude.” My legs quivered beneath me as we walked. “I have to… I-”

“Ssh. Just take a deep breath.”

“No.” I stopped him then threw my arms around him, hugging him hard enough to break his ribs. I didn’t need to say any more. His body sagged against mine and I knew he understood.

I never wanted to be in Freya’s position but if I ever was, I needed Jude too know how much I loved him. Right there, in the middle of the cemetery, he had to know.

“It’s okay, honey,” he said, gently winding my hair around his fingers. “It’s okay.”

Chapter
14 – I’ll Remember The Daisies

After the funeral, everyone headed to the Warriors’ training ground for the wake. Freya’s apartment was too small for so many people to fit into, and Will’s parents’ house was a little out of the way, so the training ground was the most obvious next choice. There was plenty of space in the restaurant, and staff on hand to provide food.

Jude and I took a slow drive to the wake, both of us trying to shake off the image of Freya holding onto Will’s casket, and the sound of her pleas. I couldn’t make it go away no matter how hard I tried. When you see something like that, when you witness that level of hurt, especially from one of your friends, it stays with you. I couldn’t imagine a time when I’d forget her scream or the look of desperation on her face.

We were amongst the last to arrive at the Warriors’ restaurant, aside from Freya, her mom, Will’s parents, and Richard. They would be a while, so Jude and I got some drinks and located Leah, Radleigh, Jesse, Bryce, and Miguel. They all sat at one of the larger tables and they’d saved seats for us. Nobody spoke, all of us united in our concern for Freya. A table full of puffy-eyed people. Leah was still crying against Radleigh’s shoulder.

“What do we do now, guys?” Miguel asked, downing the last of his beer and dejectedly slamming his bottle on the table. “This is the hard part, right? The funeral is over and Freya has nothing else to focus on. How can we help her?”

“By doing what we’ve been doing for the last week,” Jude said. “We keep visiting her, talking to her. Let her know we’re always around.”

“It’s not enough.”

“Nothing will be enough.”

“I can’t stop hearing her scream,” Bryce said, shaking his head, his eyes glazed. “I don’t know how she’ll get over this.”

“She won’t.” My voice was as vacant as Bryce’s stare. “That thing people say about time healing is bullshit.  One day she’ll learn to get out of bed without the pain crippling her, but she’ll always have a huge hole inside her. She’ll always be a little bit broken.”

Only Jude and Jesse understood why I spoke with such confidence on this topic. I still had two gigantic holes inside me from my childhood; a third formed when Will died, and grew every day I saw Freya struggle.

“Maybe we could make something for her,” Jesse said. “I don’t know about you guys but I’ve got a bunch of photos from nights out, and from playing around during training. We could make a memory book or something.”

Miguel nodded. “That’s a cool idea. Leah is the queen of photo taking. What do you say?”

“We could make a scrapbook,” she said, wiping her eyes. “We should get together with the photos we have and choose the best ones. I’m happy to put the book together. I’ve got some time now.” She rested her hand over her stomach. Radleigh gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze and she smiled up at him.

A comfortable silence fell over the table because there really was nothing else to say. We could have continued with idle chatter about ways to help ease Freya’s pain, or we could have gone over everything that was said at the funeral, remembering every detail. Instead, the quiet was welcome.  Now and again one of us would catch someone else’s eye, and we’d acknowledge each other without words before getting back to our own thoughts.

Almost an hour passed before Freya arrived, tucked firmly under the arm of Will’s dad. Will looked a lot like his father, they were even built the same. Freya must have found the familiarity comforting. I sort of wanted to hug him myself, pretend he was Will and try to ease some of my guilt. I jolted as a new surge shot through me. Why couldn’t I get over that?

Therapy. Therapy. Therapy.

Therapy meant talking. What I needed was to talk to Will.

It’s not impossible.
 
Wasn’t Freya doing just that at his graveside, when she begged him not to go?

Maybe the thought was totally idiotic but in the moment it felt like the most obvious, most genius plan ever.

I had to talk to Will.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Freya take a huge breath and straighten herself. She truly looked like she might collapse again at any second but her inner strength kicked in and after a grateful smile at the people who had helped her to her feet back in the churchyard, she made her way towards the first table of visiting soccer players to thank them for coming to the funeral.

“That woman has some serious balls,” Bryce said.

Miguel grinned. “That’s what you get for dating a soccer coach.”

Desperate as I was to spend some time with Freya, once the idea of talking to Will planted itself in my brain, it grew and grew until I thought I might explode if I didn’t get out of there right away and say what needed to be said.

With a composure that totally betrayed the buzzing of my insides, I excused myself as if going to the bathroom, and walked out of the restaurant.

I wasn’t myself. Something had taken over me but I went with it because it was the only thing that made sense to me. I didn’t have our car keys, so when I slipped out of the training ground entrance, I took off my heels and started walking.

I must have looked insane, but the cemetery wasn’t too far away. I’d walked further in the past, barefoot too.

The earthy mound that now covered Will’s casket was surrounded by his funeral flowers, brightening up what would have been an otherwise depressing sight. I placed my shoes on the grass then sat down beside them, not caring that I might get stains on my dress. I tucked my legs underneath me and plucked a daisy from the ground, twiddling the stem between my fingers.

“So, I… I’ve been thinking a lot about stuff. Actually, I’ve not done anything much other than think since my birthday. I made some shitty choices over the last few weeks but the only one I regret more than hurting Jude is that I was a bitch to you the last time we saw each other.” A light breeze disturbed the petals of my flower. “I keep telling myself you know,
knew
me better. You knew that wasn’t really me snapping at you. But then I realised I never told you anything different. Sure, I was always there to help you out, and we had bunches of fun together. Maybe I wasn’t clear enough about how I felt. I haven’t been clear about anything for a long time… or maybe ever, you remember how I am. Chatter, chatter, chatter. Shop, shop, shop.

“With all the time I’ve had to think about what to say to you it’s still coming out in a jumble.” I sighed, putting my focus directly on Will’s grave. “I loved you so much, Will. I loved how you didn’t care how nutty I can be, and you accepted me as I am. I think it was tougher for you because you were way more sensible than the rest of the Warriors.” I paused, chuckling at the truth of those words. Will took longer to get used to me than everyone else but when he did, he embraced my crazy like a champ. “I’m so, so sorry for the things I said to you. I was mad that day, and I was stupid enough to think I had all the time in the world to apologise. Now I know better. If there’s something that needs to be said, it should be said right away. Time… well, it doesn’t wait. I had some dumb excuses lined up but they don’t count now. Because now you’re not here and I don’t get to talk to you face to face. I don’t get to feel your hugs - which by the way - were always awesome.” A tear splashed onto my lap, quickly followed by another, and another. “I think you’d have forgiven me. I’d have gotten the hug I need from you right now. You were good, Will. Special. And I’ll never forget you.”

I placed my daisy on top of his grave; pathetic in comparison to the floral displays all around me but it didn’t matter. I’d done what I set out to do.

I wasn’t ready to go back to the wake yet so I stayed beside Will’s grave, sitting in the grass, making a daisy chain and enjoying the quiet. Not just the quiet of the cemetery, but the quiet of my thoughts.

“Hey, Bree.”

The delicate sound of Freya’s voice startled me. While I stared at her in surprise, she took off her own shoes and joined me on the grass.

“What are you doing out here?” I asked, putting my arm around her. She was a little cold, and still abnormally pale, but somehow a little less so than earlier.

“I saw you sneak out. I had a feeling you might be here.” Freya’s eyes fell on my lone daisy and she smiled. “You know that daisy would mean more to Will than all of these other tributes?”

“What makes you say that?”

“Because I know you had a fight with him. And I know you didn’t see him again afterwards. That’s why you’re here, right?”

“I had no idea I was so predictable.”

Freya chuckled and let her head fall onto my shoulder. “You’re only predictable to people who know you well. Jude saw you leave but I told him I’d find you. I needed to get out. Just for a quick breather. Everyone has been amazing but all those stares of sympathy. Like I said before, I find them so hard to take.”

“Right before you came into the restaurant everyone was talking about how we can help you. I think they know we can’t do anything but it makes the uselessness go away for a while if we try.”

“You know what I need?” Freya sighed. “I need to be right here with you. Close to Will.”

I tilted my head sideways to lean lightly on hers. “You’re not crying anymore.”

“I’m beyond crying for now. My tear supply needs a little time to replenish.”

To understand what she meant made me half happy and half sad. Relating to her, connecting again the way I’d started to do with Jude meant everything to me. The crappy side was understanding how much it hurt to be cried out. It left hollowness, and being empty had its downsides too.

“Got room for one and a half more down there?”

Without turning our heads, Freya and I laughed as Leah dropped down on the ground with us. Freya pulled Leah into her so we became a sort of… hot girl sandwich.

“What’s your excuse?” Freya asked. “Bree came to talk to Will, and I came to get a time out.”

I loved how neither of them thought it was weird that I’d sneaked away from a wake to sit beside a grave and talk to a pile of earth. To an outsider, I was clearly a nutjob. To my friends, I made perfect sense.

“I came to be with my girls,” Leah said. “Don’t ask how I knew where to find you. My feet just steered me here.”

“I guess we all wanted to be close to Will.” I stretched my arm over a little further to touch Leah’s shoulder and she smiled.

“Cute scarf, Bree. Where’d you get it?”

Ha.
That
was a story. Too long and too self-involved for where we were, though. I’d fill them in at a more appropriate time.

“It’s Kayla’s. Well, I guess it’s mine, now. She gave it to me for today. For comfort.”

“Aww, she’s a sweetheart.”

Just like Jesse.
That was how I always described him.

Less than two weeks ago I would have wanted Jesse with us. With me. I’d have wanted him beside me, letting him calm me, and saying all the right things. How stupid I was. Getting carried away with silly fantasies and what ifs. Letting Taylor manipulate me; letting myself think I’d be happier with a bigger family around me. Family isn’t about the amount of people, it’s about the amount of happiness and love you receive. Jude was… yeah. He was everything. Everything I needed and everything I would ever need.

A small bird swooped down, landing on Will’s grave. It pecked around for a moment then took the daisy I’d left there in its beak, and flew away, high up in the sky until it became nothing more than a speck.

“Well, that’s just rude. That bird stole Will’s flower!”

Freya smiled. “Maybe. Or maybe it’s taking the flower to Will instead.”

“I like that idea better. I think he’d roll his eyes at my silliness then do something weird like put it in his hair to make me laugh.”

“Sounds like Will.” Leah smiled, too.

Freya picked up my daisy chain and placed it on top of my head like a crown. “That’s what I’m going to remember most about today. I’ll remember the daisies.”

“I’m going to remember this,” Leah said, letting out a sigh. “Today has been rough. But right now, just the three of us, this is the part I’ll remember.”

“Me too.”

“Me three,” I added.

And just like that, all three of us held each other tighter, silent and lost in our own thoughts.

We had so much more to face over the next few months. We would grieve, and I’d spill my heart out to my therapist about the ghosts from my past, but every day, we’d all get a little bit stronger. A little less sad. What mattered was doing those things together. We had battles ahead but I was ready for them because I had the best friends anyone could ask for. Perhaps it sounded too soon to be so optimistic about the future.

But what can I say? I’m Bree Collinson, and I’m an eternal ray of sunshine.

THE END