Sidelined (3 page)

“Don’t worry,” he said, catching onto my train of thought, “once the baby’s here, I’ll go back to being a self-centred dick. But I gotta take care of my woman first.”

The three of us spent most of the morning into early afternoon finishing up in the living room. By one p.m, we were starving. Jude drove us over to Freya’s with the last of the boxes, and we were greeted by the heavenly smell of pizza.

“We’re all hungry,” Freya said as we filed in, “so I ordered pizzas to keep us going for the rest of the day.”

Murmurs of approval rippled through the room, and we set about grabbing plates and slices of the various pizzas to eat.

I smiled to myself as we chatted. We hadn’t all hung out this way since right before Leah left for England. Jude, Radleigh and Bryce weren’t here, and Jesse was, but things had changed a lot since then. I loved how we still fit together. I got the impression Bryce would be a more regular part of our group since he split from his wife just after New Year. They’d been together a long time and had three daughters together. Unfortunately, their relationship had fizzled out along the way. I always thought his wife, Sarah, was kinda unsociable. The few times I met her she acted totally superior.

After we’d eaten, I found myself in Freya’s living room with Jude, Will and Miguel. Freya was washing up, Leah and Radleigh were probably groping each other against the nearest available flat surface, and I had no idea where Bryce had gone. I sat on the floor by the glass doors that opened out onto the deck, and the guys were all slouched on the sofas, full of pizza, unable to move.

“So, you sure you’re ready for this, man?” Miguel asked, his voice tinged with teasing. “Moving in is a big step.”

“Bit late to ask now, half of my crap is already here!” Will laughed. “I’m more than ready.”

“Wait until she starts nagging you about never doing the dishes.”

“And not picking up your dirty clothes,” Jude added.

“And leaving the toilet seat up.”

“Have you met me?” Will asked. “When have I ever left dirty stuff anywhere? I’ll be the one nagging.”

True story. I’d shared hotel rooms with Freya. She somehow managed to make a mess simply by walking into a room. She left her clothes in a heap on the floor, and her make-up stuff scattered all over the bathroom. I’d been sure every time I turned my back, more crap had added to the clutter, like that scene in the last Harry Potter movie, when the treasure in the Gringotts vault multiplies when touched.

Don’t judge me for watching Harry Potter, I love British accents.

“Talking about Freya?” Leah asked as she entered, grinning. “I’m not nearly as obsessive as Will, and she drove me crazy!”

Will threw her a mock glare. “You guys are supposed to be supportive.”

“We
are
being supportive,” Jude said. “We’ll have the shrink on standby for when Freya’s messiness drives you round the bend.”

“I can hear you!” Freya called from the kitchen. She came into the room, hands covered in soap bubbles, and flicked the suds over Will and Jude who were nearest to her. “Just so you know, I’ve promised to be less… slobby.”

“Aww,” Leah said. “You’re not slobby!”

Will grabbed Freya’s still soapy hands, pulling her down to him for a quick kiss. “She’s right. You’re not slobby. You’re beautiful.”

Radleigh and Bryce joined us, Radleigh slipping his arms around Leah from behind, lightly resting his hands on her stomach.

Once again I’d found myself surrounded by snuggly couples while I sat on the opposite side of the room from my husband. It wasn’t a conscious decision. When I walked in for lunch, everyone else had taken their seats; the only space left was on the floor. Neither of us made a move to close the gap, though. We were comfortable enough with each other that we didn’t
need
to touch all the time, yet I felt disconnected. I didn’t know if Jude noticed, or if the whole thing had been happening inside my head. Either way, every day I carried around the same dissatisfaction, unable to pinpoint the cause.

When our extended lunch break ended none of us had any desire to move but we still had work to do so we got back to our tasks. We finally gave up for the day a little after six, when we
almost
had everything from Will’s kitchen ready to be moved. Jude, Will, Miguel and Bryce decided to go for a beer after their hard work, Radleigh went to visit his parents, and Freya was too tired to do anything other than sit down with a glass of wine. Since it was still pretty early, Leah and I opted to call in on Jesse. I hadn’t seen him in a few days; he would be climbing the walls by now.

On Jesse’s doorstep we waited for the familiar hurried footsteps of Mrs Shaw. Sure enough, they soon padded down the hall.

“Hi girls,” she said, surprise flashing across her face.

“Hi,” Leah said. “We were headed home but wanted to stop by and visit Jesse on the way.”

Mrs Shaw smiled. “Aren’t you sweet? Jesse’s not here right now. He’s gone out for a drive with his dad. He shouldn’t be too long. You’re welcome to come in and wait.”

As we stepped inside Mrs Shaw said, “Can I get you anything? Coffee? Juice? Cupcakes?”

“Coffee and cupcakes sound good.”

“Just some water for me, thanks,” Leah answered.

“Take a seat. I’ll be right back.”

I couldn’t help smiling at the cosiness of Jesse’s parents’ place. The house wasn’t small, but it was no mansion either. An average home, comfortable and neat. I wished Jude would move us into a place like this. I wouldn’t be so lost when he wasn’t home if I could easily see every wall of every room and not have to walk half a mile from the lounge to the kitchen. I missed my childhood house; a place which used to hold so much comfort and love. That was one of the reasons I loved the Shaw house. It reminded me of what I used to have.

“Oh, hello.”

Jesse’s sister, Kayla, bounded in, probably looking for her mom, not expecting me and Leah.

“Hey Kayla,” Leah said. “How are you doing?”

Kayla shrugged. “Good, I guess.”

Having spent so much time at Jesse’s lately, I’d gotten to know Kayla pretty well. Fifteen years old and totally kickass. I wasn’t like her at fifteen, so I admired her feistiness. However, I recognised at that moment she wasn’t feeling too feisty.

“Okay, what’s wrong?”

Kayla gave us a slightly uneasy look as if trying to decide whether to tell us. I quirked an eyebrow and her face broke into a smile.

“I’m going to a party tonight. At my best friend’s house.”

“And?”

“The guy I like is going. I haven’t told mom boys will be there and I don’t know what to wear and, well, I’m freaking out.”

Leah laughed. “What do you need help with? Telling your mum about the boys, or getting ready?”

“I think I’m not telling her about the boys. I do need help getting ready, though but if Mom sees me too dressed up, she’ll know.”

“Word of advice.” Leah leaned in towards her. “She already knows. Mums have a magic way of knowing everything.”

Kayla nodded. “You’re probably right. But she doesn’t like me wearing make-up or anything and I want to look really good, so yeah, I need help.”

Part of me wanted to grill her about the party. What kind of party? Would there be drinking? Parental supervision? Did she have any idea how disgusting and horny some teenage boys were? But all those questions were the reasons she didn’t want to tell her mom. Kayla was a smart girl. She could handle herself.

I jumped to my feet and pulled Leah up with me. “Let’s go.”

Kayla called out to her mom that we were going up to her room to choose an outfit for her. Mrs Shaw simply gave an amused chuckle in response. This wasn’t the first time Kayla had asked me to pick out clothes for a special occasion.

Kayla had a real girly bedroom with pink stuff and posters of boy bands tacked to the walls. When we were out of earshot from her mom, I said, “Okay. What do you have?”

Kayla opened her wardrobe, delved right to the back of a shelf, pulling out a thick book. When she opened it, I burst out laughing. The book was hollow, hiding a large selection of make-up, including concealers, foundations, eye shadows, lipsticks, and all kinds of other beauty stuff.

“Oh, I love you.” Leah chuckled. “I used to do this when I was a kid.”

Kayla smirked. “Mom hates me wearing make-up so I hide it. I buy all kinds with my allowance but I hardly ever get to wear it.”

I placed my hands on her shoulders and guided her towards her desk chair, sitting her down.

“Okay. I’ll do the make-up, Leah can take care of your clothes.”

Kayla grinned again and I high-fived Leah before getting to work.

Kayla was naturally beautiful. The family resemblance between her and Jesse was strong, only Kayla was - obviously - more feminine. Her blonde hair fell in waves and she had amazing cheek bones. Enhancing what she already had took no time at all. I’d had years of practice at applying natural-looking make-up, and when I showed Kayla my handiwork, she gasped.

“How did you do that? I look like me but… better.”

“You just need to know the tricks. I’ll show you one day when we have more time.”

Glancing over at the bed at the clothes Leah had picked out, I nodded thoughtfully before turning back to the box of makeup. After rummaging, I found black mascara, purple sparkly eye shadow, and clear lip gloss.

“Here.” I handed the products to Kayla. “Hide these in your purse. As soon as you get to your friend’s house, go into the bathroom, dust some eye shadow lightly over your eyelids, put on one coat of mascara, but only one because your lashes are already quite thick, and then apply a little lip gloss.”

“No lipstick?”

I shook my head. “No, you want to keep things subtle. The lip gloss will make your lips super kissable without being too over the top.”

Kayla threw her arms around me, still clinging onto her cosmetics. “Thank you, Bree!”

“You’re welcome, honey.” I hugged her back. I’d never had my own little sister, and the more time I spent at the Shaw’s, the more I fell in love with them, especially with Kayla. She was a mini-me.

Kayla turned to hug Leah too, impressed with her choice of skinny jeans and a deep purple vest top, with silver accessories.

“Oh my God,” Kayla said. “What about my hair?”

“Your hair is gorgeous,” Leah told her. “Maybe… do you have a cute purple hairclip?”

“I do.”

“There you go! That’s all you need.”

Satisfied we’d got Kayla prepared for her party, Leah and I headed back downstairs.

“She’s a sweet kid, isn’t she?” Leah said.

“Yeah. I love hanging out with her. ”

“You did well with her make-up. Have you ever thought about doing it professionally? You could get training.”

“Ha, I think your pregnancy hormones are screwing with your brain. I’m not the type of person who could do the job well enough to turn it into a career or anything. I do make-up for fun.”

“You’re damn good, Bree. Today is the first day I’ve seen you look truly happy since I’ve been back and it started when Kayla pulled out her make-up box.”

My mood took a small nosedive. Was she saying I was a complete ditz, only happy when painting people’s faces? Like a kid playing with her mother’s cosmetics?

“Not much of a talent, is it?”

Leah’s eyebrows pulled together. I didn’t blame her for being confused, I’d spent the last five days confusing myself.

“It
is
a talent. The people already doing the job are called make-up
artists
for a reason. Bree, we live in L.A, land of movies and music videos. You’d easily find work here.”

As we reached the bottom of the stairs I paused. I had thought about being a make-up artist a few times before, never seriously, though. It was more a daydream thing since I only learned how to apply make-up properly since I met Jude, and had all the time in the world to practice. While I made up my own face I often imagined how it would be to work on other people but I’d never put much real thought into doing anything about it. Never believed I’d be good enough.

“Do you seriously think I could do it?”

Leah smiled. “Of course. You’ve already got the skills, they just need to be refined. You’d be amazing.”

Chapte
r 4 – The Day That Changed My Life

For the first time ever, I couldn’t wait to end the visit with Jesse so I could go home and do some research. Leah had lit a fire under me. Maybe this would be my “thing” to help me find out who I wanted to be, without being defined only as Jude Collinson’s wife.

Perhaps make-up artist sounded like the kind of air-headed profession a girl like me would get into. I didn’t care about that. I cared about finding a way to stop the boredom, and having something interesting to tell people beyond, ‘
Today I made Jude spaghetti bolognese for dinner, and before that I bought some shoes’.

I spent more than an hour online, searching for make-up courses in Los Angeles. There were so many. The job seemed real competitive, though. In this city there’s no point trying anything unless you’re sure you’ll be the best, or damn close.
I can do this
. I made Kayla look gorgeous, and did so in a super sort time, too. What if I’d had longer to play around? What kind of awesome might happen if I had hours to work instead of minutes?

Excitement took over me. This was it. Something I could be enthusiastic about. Something I’d enjoy. I didn’t mean to sound ungrateful for what I already had. I wasn’t. Not at all. But I hadn’t contributed. I hadn’t earned the big house with the swimming pool. I hadn’t paid for any of the state-of-the-art gym equipment or the plush furniture. Any money I had came from Jude's bank account and I was tired of it. I wanted to bring something into our household besides mindless chatter. Mostly I wanted to chase away the feeling of being destined to spend the rest of my life rattling around the house, living for the weekends; the weekends Jude wasn’t playing soccer in a different city.

By the time Jude got home I'd decided on a course and written down all the information I needed to give to Jude.

I pounced on him the second he walked into the living room, where I'd been bouncing around, desperate to tell him my idea.

“Easy, Bree.” He laughed as he caught me in his arms. “Was I gone that long?”

“Well, yes you were but that's not why I'm jumping on you.”

Jude kissed me, long and sweet, and my heart swelled. Life was about to get perfect.

“So, what's going on?” He set me down on the sofa and sat beside me, pulling me close. Mmmm cuddles. Well, I would have enjoyed the cuddles more if I could have contained my enthusiasm enough to sit still.

“I went to Jesse's today and helped his sister to get ready for a party. We had fun, and then Leah had this idea that maybe I should do a make-up course!”

Jude pulled away a little, frowning. “Are you serious?”

Not the reaction I expected or wanted.

“Yeah, I'm serious. Why? Don't you think it's a good idea?”

He shrugged. “You've never mentioned anything about wanting to learn before.”

“I know. I only just realised this is what I want.”

“Because Leah suggested it?”

My eyebrows rose
. Jude’s prejudice strikes again.
“You're really asking me that?”

“It's a fair question, Bree. Be sure it's what you want, not what someone else wants for you.”

The fact he hadn't spotted my recent unhappiness kinda pissed me off. Leah pinpointed my mood right away. I hadn’t done a good job of hiding the way I felt. How had he not noticed?
Why
hadn't he?

“What do
you
want for me, Jude?” I asked in a tone I hadn't used in years. Cold. Un-me.

Jude backed away a little farther, his eyebrows drawn in confusion. “What's this about?”

“This is about you not listening to me,” I told him, standing up. “I said I want to learn a new skill, not fly to the moon. You're making a make-up qualification sound like the worst thing ever.”

“No.” Jude stood up too, reaching for my hand. “I'm sorry. This has come out of nowhere so I'm just asking you if you've really thought about it. I know how you get when you have a new idea in your head.”

I snatched my hand away. “Forget it. I'll carry on being your little housewife and making sure your dinner's on the table when you come home.”

Tears burned the backs of my eyes as I walked out of the room and up to our bedroom, torn between thinking my feelings were perfectly fair, and thinking I'd acted like a spoilt brat. Had I gotten so used to getting what I wanted that when Jude said no I had a tantrum like a toddler?

I threw myself onto my bed, hating that I couldn't figure out where this weirdness came from. This wasn't really about a make-up course. It was about me. I’d lost myself somewhere over the last few years. I needed to find a way back.

Did wanting something of my own make me a bad person? I wiped at my eyes, frustrated and hurt because Jude didn't understand.

“Bree.”

I remained still until his weight pressed into the bed and his hand rested on my waist. My back faced him, but I placed my hand over his to prove I wasn't a total bitch.

“Talk to me.”

“I hate when you think I can't make decisions on my own. I'm not an idiot.”

“I know you're not an idiot. But you get carried away sometimes. I don't want you taking on something you thought of on a whim.”

“So what if it is a whim? Some of the best ideas I've had happened that way.”

Including letting you into my life when everything in me screamed to run away because I didn't think I deserved you.

“Some of your ideas haven't been so great.” He gave a small chuckle. “Like those God awful shoes you thought were cute until you got them home. Those ones with cartoon dogs all over them?”

A giggle escaped me. What can I say? They looked real cute in the store window. When I got them home I realised how truly gross they were. They had actual fluff on them. Obviously not real dog fur, but fluff which made them three dimensional. Man, they were a waste of money. Nobody even wanted them when I offered them for free.

Jude slipped his arm underneath me and lifted me up towards him. “I'm sorry. If you want to talk about the make-up thing, we can.”

His eyes were full of apology. How could I stay mad at him? But he’d already knocked the shine off the idea, albeit unknowingly. I knew him better than that. He'd have done anything for me. For once I needed him to do it without questioning me.

The next day, we all trekked back to Freya’s place to help with the unpacking. Jesse even came over, even though he couldn’t help much. He was tasked with entertaining anyone who stopped to grab a drink, and breaking up the boxes we’d emptied. We separated into different rooms to pile boxes in the right places, and Will was cool with us getting some of his stuff out and asking for directions about where to put it.

“Can you believe this is happening?” Will asked, wrapping his arms around Freya. I peered around the box I’d just unpacked to watch them.

“No,” Freya answered, grinning. “It’s been a long time coming!”

“Well there’ll be no more waiting now.” Will paused to kiss her. “From now on I’ll be here all the time. You’re stuck with me.”

Freya made a face, supposedly of mock horror; she was way too happy to pull it off.

Another ripple of envy rushed over me. I didn’t usually do envy. Not ever, yet recently it had happened twice. I hated the anger jealousy created inside me.

“What shall we do later when everyone’s gone?” Will asked, pressing his forehead against Freya’s. “You wanna go out for dinner? Someplace romantic?”

Freya shook her head, somehow managing to not break contact. “Takeout, wine a movie, and-”

“Oh, excuse me.” I stood up, waving my hands in the air. “Before you start with the dirty talk, may I remind you, I am here.”

Their heads turned in my direction and we all laughed. “Sorry.” Freya kissed Will again then somewhat reluctantly moved away from him. “We’d better get back to work or there’ll be no time for-”

“Seriously!” I said. “Save the make out session for later.”

Freya high-fived me as she stepped out of the kitchen and went back to the bedroom where she and Leah were sorting out Will’s clothes.

“You guys!” I giggled.

“Nauseating, aren’t we?”

“Adorable. You’re both adorable.”

He groaned. “Bree, you’re killing me! I used to hate this sappy crap.”

“And now you’re living together it’ll get worse.”

“Right? Only a matter of time before I propose.”

I knew he was kidding, sort of, but my grin widened anyway. Okay, so Leah wasn’t getting married but maybe Will and Freya would soon!

“Take that smirk off your face.” Will laughed. “It won’t be for a while. We gotta see how living together works out first.”

“Sure. But you’ve thought about proposing?”

Will nodded in confirmation, his eyes losing their teasing quality. “What do you think? Am I good enough for her? A suitable husband for one of your best friends?”

I squealed and threw my arms around him. “You are the
only
person for her.”

“Thanks, Bree,” Will said, returning my hug. “Now. Let’s get this unpacking done. I’m on a promise tonight!”

We did all we could do in a few hours. All we left were Will’s personal belongings; he didn’t want us rummaging through his old yearbooks so we began to file out of Freya’s apartment.

Jesse, Leah, Radleigh, and I were the first to make our way outside. Freya came down to say goodbye, and while everyone around me chatted, I stopped to do a double take as an unwelcome presence walked towards us.
Seriously? Now she shows up?

Leah and Freya followed my gaze, and Leah was the first to speak. “Are you kidding me? Taylor?”

Taylor’s eyes fell on me, and when she spotted Leah, they widened for a second. It wasn’t like she didn’t know Leah would be back soon. She and Radleigh had been splashed all over the news right after my party, the first time they were seen out together in L.A. Was
that
why she’d been calling me so persistently? To get the gossip? And how did she even figure out where we were?

“Well, well, well,” she said as she approached. “Look at you all back together again. Good to see you, Leah.”

To her credit, Leah kept her mouth shut but I couldn’t. “Taylor, please. Give her a break.”

She held up her hands. “Did I do anything? Actually, I want to talk to you. Since we spoke earlier, I think we should arrange to go out sometime.”

My friends’ stares scorched my skin. I hardly blamed them for shooting puzzled glances my way. But, really. As if I’d associate with that skank again.

Jesse was the person I worried about the most. Taylor hadn’t even acknowledged his presence even though she couldn’t have missed him with a massive cast on his leg, and holding crutches. His gaze turned cold as he stared at her.

“We didn’t
speak
earlier,” I said. “I told you to leave me alone.”

“Whatevs, I still think we should get together soon.”

“I disagree,” I told her, and Radleigh stepped in front of me.

“What the hell are you doing here?”

“I… I was in the area.”

Radleigh glared at her and she ducked her head and left without another word, smart enough not to test him. My shoulders sagged with the relief she’d gone but she obviously hadn’t taken my hints. She must have followed one of us. How else would she have found us so easily? I suppose it might have been a coincidence, I mean, the beach was right there but… God, if she started stalking Radleigh again I’d kill her myself.

Radleigh turned to me in full-on protective mode. “Have you been talking to her?”

Like Jude, he assumed me too weak to make my own responsible decisions, and being treated like a mentally deficient loser was getting old.

“No! She keeps calling me. The only times I’ve spoken to her have been to tell her to stop.”

“Bree, can I talk to you?” Jesse asked, his eyes still icy, and I nodded.

I hadn’t done anything wrong, yet everyone judged me. I heard their thoughts as if they were being screamed out loud.
There goes Bree, the gullible idiot, making friends with Taylor again.

I picked up my purse and we walked back towards Freya’s apartment, down the short alleyway leading to the beach. The whole way, I rummaged through my bag, checking I had everything I came with. Phone, wallet, keys, make-up. All good.

“Jesse, I’m not going to hang out with her, I swear. I wouldn’t.”

I zipped up my purse and when I looked up at him, he nodded. “I know.”

“You do?”

“Bree, you’ve been there for me more than anyone since I had the operation. You’d never go out of your way to talk to her.”

“Then why-?”

Jesse wriggled one of his arms free from his crutch and took my hand. “If Taylor’s bothering you, you can talk to me. If she gets too much I’ll… I don’t know, I’ll help you get a restraining order to keep her away. But you need to tell me if she crosses too many lines.”

I really thought he’d bitch me out. Instead, he’d given me reassurance and offered to help me when the last thing he wanted was to have anything to do with her. No matter how rough things got for him he’d still risk making himself uncomfortable if it meant helping someone else.