Signs of Life (14 page)

Kai rolled his eyes, then almost reared back in surprise when Loren leaned over and kissed him. He stopped himself just in time, cupping Loren’s cheek and letting him deepen the kiss briefly.

“Wow, dude,” Kai whispered. “Right here in the police station parking lot? What if somebody saw?”

Loren kissed him again. “Fuck ’em all,” he whispered back. “Come home with me tonight? It’s been a while.”

He slid his hand slowly up the inside of Kai’s leg, and Kai stopped him, lacing their fingers together.

Loren looked at him closely, then sat back in his seat with a sigh. “Hung up on Jeremy, huh?”

Kai opened his mouth to deny it, but found himself saying instead, “There’s something about him, I don’t know. I just—”

Loren opened his door and got out of the Jeep, saying, “That dude is hot but way too intense for me. Give me my simple little blond boys any day.” He winked at Kai and walked off to his truck, whistling.

As Kai drove home, he found himself wishing, not for the first time, that he could just fall in love with Loren. They got along so well, their relationship was comfortable and easy, and they had some history. But Kai wouldn’t go back into the closet for anyone, and no matter Loren’s bold words of a few minutes ago—“fuck ’em all”—he knew he wasn’t ready to come out and might never be.

Plus there was their basic sexual incompatibility. Kai couldn’t deny he left Loren’s bed weak and satisfied, but Loren was a top who couldn’t or wouldn’t relinquish control, and while Kai didn’t mind being his occasional bottom boy, he couldn’t see it as anything they could maintain long term.

He loved Loren, but he didn’t feel one tenth of the attraction for him he felt for Jeremy. There wasn’t that white-hot chemistry but the comfort of familiarity, of knowing there were no more mysteries to uncover. Jeremy
was
intense, an enigma, and after spending the day around him, albeit from a distance, he’d suddenly become all Kai could think about. Every time Jeremy had come out to check on the boys’ progress, Kai had to steel himself not to look in his direction, knowing he probably wouldn’t be able to hide the hunger from showing in his eyes. Jeremy was so enormously attractive with that lean, muscled body, jaw shadowed with dark scruff, and those cold gray eyes. Kai burned to know more about him, what his “reasons” were for acting like he had at the gay club, why he ran everywhere, why sometimes he seemed to hold himself almost gingerly, like he was trying to avoid more of life’s blows.

No, Kai couldn’t go for the easy familiarity, the gentle caring; he had to go for the complicated, the
intense
. Shit.

JEREMY’S BREATH
steamed in the cold air, measured puffs that floated around his head. A steady drizzle pattered against the hood of his windbreaker, the waterproof Gore-Tex keeping his head and upper body dry, but his running pants were soaked from knee to ankle from the water Jeremy kicked up with his strides. Everything was quiet, the low-hanging fog drifting amongst the towering trees of the forest making everything seem muted. Jeremy was completely and utterly alone. He hadn’t seen a passing car all morning. It was like he had the world to himself.

He knew he didn’t, though; he knew at that very moment, Kai and Officer Smith—Loren—were riding herd on the group of boys who had spilled out of the van that morning to stand bitterly complaining on his driveway, ready for another day of work. The rain was falling then too, and Kai and Loren showed absolutely no sympathy for the situation, telling the boys flatly to suck it up and deal. The port-a-potty they tried to arrange for fell through, and the protests grew loud enough Jeremy heard them from inside the house as he was dressing for his run.

As he stepped outside onto the porch, he heard Kai say, “That’s life, amigos. When things don’t work out, we have to adapt and overcome. This is the deal—you’re gonna have to hang your ass out in the rain or hold it all day.”

The boys really looked on the verge of rioting, and Jeremy waited until Loren assigned them their tasks and steered them off before approaching Kai and taking him aside, trying to not stare at the way the rainwater beaded on his lashes, a glittering droplet trembling on the edge of his jaw before sliding down to soak into the collar of his T-shirt.

“At the back of the house, I have a small mudroom,” Jeremy said quietly. “There’s a powder room attached. You’re welcome to let the boys use that.”

Kai looked at him consideringly. “I’m tempted to let the little punks shit out under the trees in the rain, but thank you. We’ll take you up on that.”

“I’m going for a run in a few minutes. I’ll be gone for probably two or three hours. If you want to take your lunch break on the porch, get out of the rain for a little while, you’re welcome to do that too.”

Jeremy hadn’t known where this generosity had come from, but seeing the boys standing in the rain looking like miserable, drowned rats had sparked an unexpected sympathy. And, if he was being honest with himself, he wanted Kai to look at him the way he was doing now, his lips quirked up in a half smile, his eyes, if not quite glowing with warmth, at least not giving Jeremy that flat stare.

“We appreciate that, man. Thanks.” Kai had turned and walked toward two boys who were kicking around at the ground, obviously trying to look busy without actually accomplishing anything.

“Jackson! Luke! Grab those shovels and come with me. I saw a dead tree stump over here that we’re gonna dig up.” The boys scowled at him but made no move, and Kai said, “Don’t make me ask again, guys.” His voice was stern, and the boys shuffled to the back of the van and grabbed the shovels, muttering.

Jeremy found himself smiling a little at the memory, hoping Kai and Loren hadn’t had any trouble managing four boys on the verge of mutiny for the last three hours, that maybe the promise of a dry place to use the bathroom and eat lunch helped assuage their pique. They were just kids, after all.

As he reached the edge of his driveway, he noticed the large trash bags stacked there, an uprooted dead tree stump next to them. Jeremy walked slowly up his driveway, cooling down, doing his stretches, noticing three of the boys and Loren were sprawled on the porch, leaning against the wall of the house as they munched on whatever they had in the insulated lunchboxes sitting next to them. He didn’t see Craig or Kai and assumed they were availing themselves of the facilities.

He made his way around the back of the porch to the mudroom but didn’t see anyone there, and the door to the small bathroom was standing wide open so Jeremy could clearly see it was empty. Starting to become alarmed, he opened the door to the main house and immediately heard voices coming from his study.

More than a little upset, Jeremy stalked to the study door but stopped short just outside when he heard Craig sobbing, “I’m sorry, Mr. D. I just wanted to look around for a second.”

Kai’s voice was low and furious. “What on earth made you think that would be okay? I turned my back for a second to take an urgent phone call, and when I come in to look for you, I find you here in Mr. Speer’s office?”

“I ain’t never seen a house as nice as this one,” Craig said miserably. “The outside is so—rich-looking, I guess, that I figured the inside had to be really awesome. I swear, I just wanted to look.”

“Did you take anything?” Kai asked, his voice still stern and angry.

“No! I swear, Mr. D. I swear!” Craig was crying again. “I would never steal nothing. Even when we were—when we did that crime, I didn’t take nothing. Terrell took some CDs and stuff that were in the gym, but I didn’t. I didn’t even want to be there, man. Terrell made us.”

“Terrell may have driven you there, but he didn’t make you chop things up, break things, and spray-paint on them.”

“I didn’t do anything except spray a little bit because Terrell grabbed me and said he would shove the axe handle up my ass if I didn’t break some shit. The other guys didn’t want to either, but we were all scared of him. I thought he was my friend,” Craig finished bitterly. “I ain’t had too many friends, and Terrell was so cool, you know?”

“I understand more than you think. You don’t know this about me, Craig, but when I was your age, I was in a gang. Had been for many years.”

Jeremy heard Craig gasp audibly. “You, Mr. D?”

“Yes. And I felt the same way about my gang friends as you did about Terrell. It was easier to go along with them, even though I knew the stuff we were doing was wrong, because I wanted their approval and I felt like they were the only family I had. I know where you’re coming from, Craig. But doing things that don’t feel right in order to get others’ approval is no way to live your life.

“I ended up doing two years in juvie, and they were hard years, Craig. I don’t want that for any of you boys. Even though it doesn’t seem like it on days like today, it was a good thing you got caught the first time and not in six months, or a year, or three years, when Terrell led you into something there might be no coming back from.”

Craig sniffed a few times, not saying anything, and then Jeremy heard Kai ask, “If you weren’t in here stealing something, why were you all the way in Mr. Speer’s office?”

“Because I saw this and I wanted to get a closer look at it. Mr. D, is Mr. Speer gay?” Jeremy blinked; the boy must have seen the picture of him and Brent Jeremy put on his bookshelf. Just the day before, Jeremy had been horrified to suddenly realize Brent’s face, more than two years after his death, was hard to bring into clear focus. The thought sent Jeremy out to the woodpile for an hour of vicious chopping, and then he came back inside and dug around in a carefully sealed box until he found the picture.

He and Brent had been on their honeymoon at a gorgeous Hawaiian resort, and they were sitting at one of the outdoor bars enjoying a predinner cocktail when a couple nearby offered to take their picture if Jeremy would take theirs in return. After graciously agreeing they posed in front of the ocean, the sun setting behind them.

When the woman was counting down from three to warn them she was about to click the shutter, telling them to say “cheese,” Brent whispered facetiously, “Sex on the beach?”

The picture showed their profiles as they laughed into each other’s eyes, Brent’s head tilted toward Jeremy’s. It was such a warm, loving memory, and Jeremy wanted it close to him. He had put it on the bookshelf across from his desk where he could look at it easily.

Surprisingly, though, the crippling pain seeing reminders of Brent usually brought wasn’t there. It hurt, absolutely, but the pain was—manageable, and it receded more quickly than it ever had before. Jeremy sat on the floor in front of the open box, cradling the picture in his hands, reliving that week in Hawaii with pleasure rather than pain. And when he cried himself to sleep that night, it was more from relief than grief. He had turned the corner at last.

Now he heard Kai answer Craig’s question. “Does it matter if he’s gay?”

“My dad says gays are nasty and disgusting, but I—”

“But you—what?” Kai prompted.

“My best friend Noah has a boyfriend,” Craig whispered. “And sometimes I tell his mom that Noah is gonna be with me so he can go be with his boyfriend instead. His dad would kick his ass if he knew Noah was gay. And
my
dad wouldn’t let me be friends with Noah if he knew. He already thinks I’m a pansy.”

Jeremy heard Kai heave a sigh. “Craig, love can take many forms. There’s no right and no wrong way to love, and being gay certainly isn’t ‘nasty’ or ‘disgusting.’ Normally I wouldn’t advocate lying to your parents, but in this case both of the dads are wrong. Noah is lucky to have you for a friend.”

Craig sniffled, whispering, “Thanks, Mr. D.”

“Now I want you to go back outside and finish your lunch. I’m going to talk to Mr. Speer about what happened, and it’ll be up to him whether we call your probation officer and violate your probation.”

“What?” Craig yelped. “I didn’t do nothing, and Mr. Speer doesn’t even have to know I came in here. I swear I didn’t take nothing!”

“You made the choice to come in here, Craig, knowing it was breaking one of the two nonnegotiable rules. Now it needs to be Mr. Speer’s choice on what to do about it. This is his home, and you’ve already violated it once. I’m sorry, but he needs to know.”

Craig started crying again.

“No matter what your intentions were, you’ve violated our trust in you, and now it’s time to face whatever consequences there might be. Go into the bathroom, get ahold of yourself, and wash your face, and then I’ll escort you back to the others.”

Jeremy slipped into the kitchen where he knew they wouldn’t see him, and watched Kai and Craig go out through the door to the mudroom, Kai shutting it firmly behind them. Eventually he saw, through the window, Loren take a subdued Craig off to the side and pat him down, looking for stolen items. The sheer misery on the boy’s face tugged at Jeremy’s unwilling heartstrings. He could imagine a boy who had grown up without many material items, maybe living in government-assisted housing, would see his cabin as a palace, something only seen in a magazine. He couldn’t blame him for wanting a look around, but knowing he was still capable of using such poor judgment after everything that had happened to him thus far—Jeremy shook his head. The kid had a long road ahead of him maturity-wise.

Jeremy went up and took a shower, put on a pair of loose sweatpants and a T-shirt, then fixed himself a sandwich and fruit for lunch. Before long there was a knock on the door, and he opened it to see a wet, bedraggled Kai standing there.

“Hey, Jeremy, I need to talk to you for a few minutes about something, but everyone is wet and miserable and we need to get going, get the boys home. Can I call you later tonight?”

Jeremy opened his mouth to say yes, and what came out was “Why don’t you come back over and have dinner with me instead?” He saw Kai open his eyes wide in apparent shock and waited for a sneering rejection.

His own eyes almost goggled when Kai said, “Sure, I’d like that. Let me get the boys home, and then I have a class to teach. After that I’ll have to go get cleaned up myself. Be back over about seven thirty or so?”