Snow & Ash: Endless Winter (4 page)

I don’t know how long I kneeled there on the hot road but the back of my head is on fire from the sun and Matty’s patting my leg and babbling at me when I come back to the world.

“Kay X, kay X? Dink X, dink?” was what I finally make out of his baby talk. I try to tell him that yes, I was ok but my mouth and throat were bone dry and all that came out was a groan. After rubbing the tears from my face, I painfully rise to my feet and haul him up onto my hip. I have to get us out of the sun and get some water into us.

I stumble down into the ditch again and sit Matty in the grass. Shoving aside some of the bags I had removed from the back of the van, I finally unearth his monster stroller and get it unfolded and upright. I pull the sun shade canopy open and plop him in it before finding his diaper bag and getting drinks for us both. Once I can swallow without choking on the dryness in my throat, I go back into the oven the van is becoming and find my backpack. With my Saskatchewan Roughriders cap on my head, I scan around the mound of bags and try to decide what to do next.

Matty has fallen asleep in his stroller so I climb back out of the ditch and look both ways. Still nothing, I don’t understand why there aren’t more cars driving through. With this many accidents there should be ambulances and police cars everywhere by now. Shaking my head in confusion, I go back down and start to sort out our belongings. When emergency crews finally do show up, they will take Matty and I somewhere to meet my grandparents and we’ll need a few things.

The first suitcase I open brings another sob to my throat. The smell that wafts out brings comfort and home. It’s Mom’s smell. Every hug, every cuddle, every soft touch comes with that smell and it now brings a sharp arrow of pain to my chest. Looking down at her clothes through a haze of tears brings her loss full center again. I have no choice but to gently close and re-zipper the bag and move on. There would be plenty of time later to think about her.

I get everything I think we will need into one suitcase and drag it up the ditch closer to the trees where a slice of shade has grown. Once I pull Matty and his stroller up and into it, I sit down and close my eyes to wait.

I have no idea how long I slept or what woke me up but the slice of shade we were in has grown and moved almost to the road. I peek over the side of the stroller and give a sigh of relief when I see Matty still sleeping. My stomach grumbles for food so I guess it’s close to supper time. Pulling the diaper bag open I start to search for something to eat when I hear singing. My head whips up and I search for where it’s coming from. The voice sounds like it’s coming from a girl and it’s getting closer. I scramble to my feet and rush down and then back up the ditch until I’m standing on the road.

I stand with the sun at my back and watch as two figures skirt around the closest wreckage. It’s a tall slim woman with soft red hair that’s piled on top of her head. Holding her hand is a girl a few years younger than me and she has the exact same colour of hair but it’s loose down her back and it floats behind her in the light breeze. The girl sees me first and her song cuts off mid word, alerting her mom who looks up and shades her eyes against the sun.

I swallow past a lump in my throat and raise my hand in greeting. The voice that comes out of me doesn’t sound like mine. It sounds years younger.

“H-hello?”

They walk a few more steps closer before stopping and the woman tilts her head and studies me for a moment before speaking.

“Hello sweetheart, are you all alone?”

I start to say yes but then remember.

“No, my brother is over there in his stroller. He’s just a baby.”

They both look over at where I had pointed and then she asks, “Your parents?”

I try to answer but my throat closes up in sorrow so I just shake my head and look down at my feet. I hear them walking closer and then soft arms are around me and a hand is rubbing my back and it all pours out. The physical pain from the accident, the anger at moving away from my life, the guilt at treating her so bad and those empty staring eyes. I cry every tear in my body against that soft chest and she takes it all.

When I’m finally empty and still, she pushes me back a bit and wipes my face with her hands and says the words I have been waiting to hear.

“It’s going to be ok.”

That almost sets me off again but I bite the inside of my cheek to stop myself from wailing again and step back from her arms to bend down and grab my cap that has been knocked to the ground. I anchor it on my sweaty head and glance around to see if the girl had seen me crying like a baby. I spot her across the ditch leaning over Matty’s stroller. She stands up, turns back our way and waves us over.

“Come on sweetie; let’s go check on your brother. By the way, my name is Belle and that’s my daughter Sasha. What’s your name?”

We start to walk down the ditch when I tell her mine and Matty’s name.

Sasha is super skinny with long arms and legs but she has no problem scooping Matty up from the stroller and holding him out to her Mom.

“He looks like he’s alright Mom but he really stinks!”

Matty waves at us with chubby arms and a big grin and announces, “X, X, poopy, poopy!”

I groan in dismay at the thought of changing his diaper. The kid’s a poop bomb master but Belle laughs at him in delight and swoops him into the air out of her daughter’s arms.

“Hi, hi Matty! I’m Belle and I’m going to change your diaper for you. Is that ok?”

The kid’s response was to pat her face with a satisfied grin.

Belle takes over with no hesitation by kneeling by the diaper bag and pulling out all the supplies she needs. She has the kid poop free and clean in minutes. The ache in my chest lessens a bit at having an adult here to help us.

Now that he’s clean and free of his stroller, Matty starts to crawl around and pull out grass. I let him explore for a bit while I help Belle and Sasha pull out the little bit of food I have taken out of the van. They have a few things to eat from the back packs they had been carrying, but it’s not much. As we eat our meager supper Belle explains what they had been through.

“I don’t know what caused it but the car just shut off. Everything went dead at the same time. I think the only reason we made out ok was because I had slowed right down before it happened when I saw some elk beside the road. Every other car near us had to have been doing a hundred kilometres an hour and it would have be nearly impossible to stop safely. The power brakes were useless so I just used the emergency hand break as much as possible until we finally stopped. We tried to help the people in the accidents closest to us but almost all of them didn’t make it. The ones who did just sat and waited for help to come. We waited by our car for a few hours but no one came so we decided to just start walking. My best guess based on the sun is that it’s been at least three hours since everything stopped working. Something big must have happened for emergency services to not have responded by now. With all the cars and cell phones dead, I think we must have been hit with some kind of terrorist attack. The only thing I can think to do is walk back to Canmore and try to find help. I think you and your brother should come with us.”

I look over at Matty who’s stuffing animal crackers into his messy face and sigh. We have to go with them. There’s no way I want to sit here and wait for someone to show up. I just can’t bear to stay here with Mom’s body so close.

I nod my agreement and we start to gather up what’s left of the food. Belle is so good with the baby. She has him wiped clean and in his stroller with some of his toys in less than half the time it would have taken me. As Belle and Sasha make their way up onto the road, I keep glancing back at the van. It just feels so wrong to leave Mom there all alone. I just don’t know what to do but I feel like I need to say something or do something. I finally hold up a finger in a just a minute gesture to Belle and climb back inside the van. There’s a faint sour smell inside that gets worse as I climb between the seats to the front. I brace my feet and lean against the passenger side seat. Her hair’s still covering her face and I want to brush it aside to look at her one more time but I’m scared she wouldn’t look the same. Instead I pat her cold hand that rests in her lap.

“Mom, we have to go now. No one’s come to help but a nice lady and her daughter are going to walk with Matty and I towards the last town we went through. I’ll take care of the baby, Mom. I promise.” I sucked back the tears that wanted to clog my throat and say the one thing that was weighting the heaviest on my heart. “I’m sorry, Mom. I’m so sorry I was such a jerk to you. Mom…Mommy, please come back. I’ll be better, I’ll listen and help out more. Just come back…please?” In my head I knew that wasn’t possible but my heart was begging for it to happen.

After a moment of silence, my shoulders slump in defeat. She isn’t coming back and I needed to say goodbye. Bracing myself on the side of her seat, I lean over as far as I can until my lips could just brush against her hair.

“I love you.” choked out of me. As I opened my eyes and begin to pull away I catch sight of her purse leaning against her feet on the floor. Reaching down, I snag the strap and carry it out of the van with me.

Up on the road, Belle gives me a compassionate smile and rubs my back.

“Ready to go?”

As I nod my head wearily, the sound of an engine breaks the silence around us. We all turn to look with hope in our hearts. Hope leaves me just as quickly when I recognized the dark green pickup truck headed towards us. It’s the same one that had passed me and Matty earlier, although this time it has a long black trailer behind it. I turn away from it to Belle.

“Don’t bother, it won’t stop.”

She gives me a weird look and starts to wave. When the truck pulls to a stop beside us there’s a scowl fixed on my face as I look for the woman and girl that had stared at us earlier. The truck’s empty except for a man who gets out and walks around the front of it to get to us. I have no way of knowing that mine and Matty’s faces have left a haunted wedge of guilt in the man’s heart.

Belle’s practically gushing at the guy before he even makes it around the front of the truck.

“Oh thank God! Thank you so much for stopping! We were just about to start walking towards town.”

The man looks Belle, Sasha and I over before stepping closer and glancing into the stroller before nodding.

“Right, get in quick and I’ll put the stroller in the back. We have to hurry! I’ll explain what’s going on once we’re on the way.”

We all just stand there and stare at him until he barks out at us.

“If you want a ride to town then get in! We don’t have much time until the radiation gets here!”

At the word “radiation”, Belle’s face goes completely white and she practically throws Sasha towards the truck before snatching Matty from the stroller. The man grabs the suitcase and tosses it in the bed of the truck and tries to figure out how to collapse the stroller for a few seconds before giving up and heaves it into the back on its side. I still stand in the road with my scowl not trusting the guy until he looks my way. His lips are pressed grimly together and with a quick nod at the truck he says,

“I’m sorry but I came back for you, now get in!”

I opened my mouth to say something scathing to him when a very distinctive sound comes from behind me. I slowly turn around and look at the long trailer hooked to his truck before asking in disbelief, “Is that a cow?”

Mom was doubled over and groaning in pain as I stood like an idiot and watched the area rug absorb the puddle that had formed under her feet. I didn’t realize I was shaking my head in denial until she tugged on my crushed and throbbing hand.

“Sky, I need you to help me! Go get some towels from the bathroom and see if you can find some plastic garbage bags in the kitchen.”

I just stood staring at her with my mouth wide open until she groaned again and gasped out, “NOW SKY!”

I ran for the bathroom and gathered up all the towels I could carry. My brain was on a chanting loop that went, “NOT HAPPENNING, NOT HAPPENING, NEED DAD, NEED DAD” over and over again. There was no way I could help Mom deliver the baby so I just prayed that Dad would be back in time to help her.

I dumped the towels on the couch and raced to the kitchen where I started throwing open cupboard doors in my search for garbage bags. I think I opened every door before I finally thought to look under the sink, where of course there was a box and sitting right beside it was a large first aid kit, so I grabbed it too. A groan of pain from Mom sent me back to the living room leaving the kitchen looking like a tornado had gone through it.

Mom was still bent over clutching her huge belly with one hand as she tried to spread out towels on the floor with the other. I dropped the bags and kit and tried to guide her to the couch but she pulled away and shook her head with heavy pants.

“No, on the floor. Put the plastic down first and then towels on top of it. I’ll need the hard support of the floor when I start to push.”

I started to nod and grabbed a few plastic bags to spread when what she said penetrated my panicked thoughts, making me freeze and gape at her.

“Wait, what, push? No, no Mom, no pushing, you can’t push! You have to wait for Dad to come back!”

Her teeth were clenched against the pain so her smile and chuckle came out slightly demented which didn’t help reassure me at all.

“Babies don’t wait when they’re ready, honey and this one is definitely ready to come out! The shock and stress must have triggered my labour. I’m guessing it started in the truck on the way here. I just thought it was stress.”

Her shoulders came down and the strain on her face cleared as she took a deep breath and let it out with a whoosh as the contraction ended.

I was still standing with my mouth wide open and my face white with shock holding out the garbage bags when she focused on me. Her expression softened and she reached out and cupped my face.

“Oh, honey, it’s ok! It’s going to be fine! This isn’t the first time I’ve done this remember? You were such an easy birth, six hours of labor, forty minutes of pushing and voilà, there’s baby! Second babies usually come faster so this should be quick.”

Her tone was reassuring and she was trying to make light of it so I wouldn’t be afraid, but I could see the fear in her eyes reflected back at me. She took the bags from my hand and we worked on spreading them out over the rug before covering them with some towels. As she started to lower herself to the ground, another contraction gripped her and she went to one knee with the loudest moan yet. I had tears streaming down my face at how helpless I felt. I didn’t know what to do or how to help her. I kept glancing at the door in the hopes that Dad would walk through it and take charge so I could go and cower in my room. It was breaking my heart seeing Mom in so much pain, even when she reassured me that it was natural and part of the process.

Every minute seemed to last forever when she was panting through a contraction and the breaks between seemed to get shorter and shorter as time went by. Mom had me open the first aid kit and lay out some of the supplies. She also sent me on a search for string that she said we would need to tie off the baby’s umbilical cord before we cut it.

Again, my body was in motion before my brain caught up to the implications of her words and I was like, “Right, find string to cut the cord”, and then it penetrated and my head whipped back and my stomach heaved.

“Cut the what? We have to cut something on the baby?!!!”

This was too much for me, I’m only ten, and I’m not supposed to know any of this let alone see it happening. My heart started racing and I was having a hard time catching my breath. My hands were fluttering in front of me and I didn’t know what to do with them.

“Sky, SKYLAR! Look at me, look at me! You are having a panic attack and you’ll hyperventilate if you don’t calm down!” Mom yelled at me in her very effective Mom tone before grinding her teeth and groaning.

I don’t know whether it was the no nonsense tone or her pain that snapped me out of it but I dropped to my knees beside her and gripped her hand.

“I’m so sorry, Mom. I’m just so scared. All of this, it’s just…we were going shopping for back to school clothes like five minutes ago and now we live in a cave and bombs are dropping and you’re having the baby on the floor!” My voice got faster and more shrill as I spoke. She gripped my hand tighter and pulled me down beside her.

“I know, I know how overwhelmed you are, honey, I am too. This certainly isn’t how I planned to have the baby and I’m trying to be grateful that we have a safe place that will protect us from what’s happening in the world. The most important thing is that we’re together and safe, so focus on that.” She was going to say more but the next contraction hit so she just grunted.

I brushed her hair off of her sweaty face and got to my feet. Dad wasn’t here so it was up to me to help her. I finished gathering what she had asked for and then went to the bedroom and emptied all the bags I had brought from the nursery at home out onto the bed. I sorted through it and found a tiny baby sleeper with a matching hat as well as wash cloths, baby soap and the tiniest diaper I had ever seen. I carried it all out to the living room and left it on the coffee table before going into the kitchen and finding a big bowl to fill with hot water.

I almost dropped the bowl as I turned to take it to the table when Mom started making new scarier noises. Something had changed, her face was red with the strain and her groan was a drawn out sound of determination. I got the water safely to the table and kneeled beside her. Her groan ended with heavy panting that sounded like she had just done a mile long sprint.

“Have to push! Baby’s coming fast!” she gasped out.

The next twenty minutes were the scariest, most terrifying moments of my life. There was nothing I could do to help her except wipe off her sweaty face and mumble empty platitudes. We both had tears constantly falling down our faces as she rotated between screams, cries for my Dad and trying to reassure me that all this was normal for having a baby. I could only nod my head and try not to run away and hide. When she clawed her dress up over her knees and yelled at me to get a towel to catch the baby with, I had to force the vomit that filled my throat back. The baby came out with a gush of fluid and blood and I almost dropped him. He was covered in blood and sticky white goo. All I could do was stare down at him. Mom’s laughter had my head snapping up to meet her eyes and I passed him to her outstretched arms. She cleared out his tiny mouth before turning him over and rubbing and patting his small back. When his angry cries rang out, I found myself bursting out with laughter too.

Mom gave me instructions on what to do next. Tying and cutting the cord was totally gross but not as bad as I thought it would be. After that, it was just cleaning the poor little guy off with the now lukewarm water and getting him diapered and dressed. Once I had him wrapped up into his sleeper and soft blanket, I turned to pass him back to Mom. Her face was serene but paper white. Her tired eyes met mine and a faint smile passed over her lips.

“Benjamin, his name is Benjamin. So proud of you Sky. Couldn’t have done it without you. Love my babies so much.” Her words faded away as her head nodded and her eyes fluttered closed. I couldn’t keep the grin off my face as I looked down on the tiny sleeping baby in my arms until I felt something warm and wet touch my knees. Glancing down at the floor, it was an instant reaction to scramble back away from the pool of blood forming underneath Mom’s legs.

I practically threw the baby on the couch behind her head so I could grab her shoulders and shake her awake.

“Mom, MOM, wake up! Wake up, something’s wrong, you’re bleeding! Mom, what do I do?” Her head flopped loosely as I shook her but her eyes stayed closed. I pushed towels against her to try and stop the bleeding but it didn’t seem to help. I was sobbing her name when the computerized voice spoke from the ceiling.

“Vanessa Ross, no life signs detected.”

I screamed out an agonizing wail that startled the baby awake and his cries joined in with mine. I don’t know how long I spent crying and begging her to wake up but Benjamin’s screams finally had me leaning away from her. I laid the rest of the towels over the blood and her legs before picking the baby up and settling the both of us beside her on the floor. We cuddled up against her and I held her hand between me and the baby and then we waited for Dad to come back.