So Many Reasons Why (11 page)

“Come-on. You have to give me more than that.” He begged.
Cass rolled her eyes again and stood up. “Take me out for a drink and maybe I
will fill you in.”

“You didn’t answer my question.” I interjected smiling as
they both headed toward the door.

“Neither did you.”

“We were only friends up until yesterday.” I protested.

“It was never ‘just friends’.” Scoffed Cass. “From day one
you two have had some weird connection, admit it. That first email, you were
smitten.” Tom grinned back and forth at Cass and me. He was loving this. He
liked to see us argue. Probably some kind of sexual thing, where he hoped it
turned into a naked pillow fight. Every guy probably hoped a girl fight would
turn into a naked pillow fight though.

“Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't. Does it really matter now?” I
pushed her into her coat. “Now both of you, go.” I ordered. I could still hear
Cass arguing halfway to the lift.

“Hey you.”  He leaned in and kissed my cheek gently.

“You look beautiful.” He whispered. Tonight he looked
amazing, in a polo shirt and loose fitting black pants. He handed me a bunch of
roses. My eyes lit up.

Flowers. I'd been so taken by him I hadn't even noticed him
trying to hide them behind his back. I took them, fingering the stem of one of
the flowers.

“So,” I began. Shit I was nervous. Tonight felt no easier
than last night. I was still a ball of worry and nerves. The only difference
was tonight I was more nervous because there was actually a chance things might
progress past kissing.  Why had I assumed that getting the first kiss out
of the way would make the rest that little bit easier? If anything, it was
worse. Now that I knew how much I wanted him, I was so terrified of stuffing
everything up.

“Are you okay with this, Em?” Simon grabbed my hand and led
me to the couch. I let him sit me down.

“I’m just really, really nervous.” I admitted. “And a little
bit scared if I'm going to be honest. It's been a long time since. Well...” I
blushed. There was no way to finish that sentence without sounding like a
freak. Simon laughed, he touched my arm, my body tingling in response. There
was no doubting it, my body definitely wanted him.

“If it makes you feel any better, I'm bloody nervous too.”

“You?” I cocked my eyebrow, eyeing him suspiciously. Somehow
I found it very hard to believe that he could be nervous. He had that cool
older guy vibe going on. No way could he ooze that and be nervous.

“Yes really.” His voice hid any nerves well. “I’m at a
student’s house, who is almost half my age, and all I can think about is
kissing her. Again.” I ran my tongue over my lips and watched as his eyes grew
bigger with anticipation. I bit my lip, a move that almost made him orgasm on
the spot. The way he looked at me, deep into my eyes, I could see how much he
wanted me. It made me feel so…horny.

Yes. Horny.

Now there's an adjective I don't think I've ever applied to
myself.

“You want to kiss me? Then kiss me.” He looked as shocked as
I felt with my bold statement, but he didn’t need to be told again. He slowly
leaned in, breathing in my scent. His nose brushed mine causing me to shiver
with anticipation. I was terrified of him touching me, yet I needed him to
touch me.

Gently, he placed his lips on mine. I could feel his breath.
I could taste the saltiness of the sweat just above his lip. His hand entangled
my hair as he kissed me with more force.

“God you are beautiful.” He groaned, breathing in my neck,
placing kisses all over my skin. Each kiss awakening a little more of the
sexual beast inside of me. His touch was something I'd never experienced
before. I wanted more.

His hand guided its way up my leg, lifting my skirt in the
process. He pushed me against the wall, neither of us caring the door was still
wide open. His kisses intensified, his hand cupping the nape of my neck. I was
vaguely aware of where this was going, yet I didn't want him to stop. His hand
moved down my thigh, lifting my skirt higher.

I began to panic. This was all wrong.

“Simon, no.” He looked down at me, his eyes awash with
confusion. He'd stopped right away. I tried to move away from his grasp. He
held onto my hands and pulled me into his arms.

“It’s okay Em. As slow as you need to go.”

I knew then, right at that moment, I loved this man. I might
not be able to show him that yet, but I loved him more than I've loved anything
in this world. He gently eased me out of his arms.

“Let’s sit down. We can watch some TV.” He suggested. I
smiled, nodding. He turned on the TV. An episode of
The Late Show
was playing. Neither of us were focusing on that
though. His eyes were gazing at me. I felt embarrassed. Why was he staring at
me? I bit my lip. He groaned, pulling my lip out of the clutches of my tooth.

“If you keep dong that I will have to kiss you. You have no
idea how crazy you make me.” He nuzzled up to me, kissing my neck. I led his
face to mine, letting his lips enclose around mine. “You are amazing Emma.
Simply amazing.”

That night we kissed. We kissed for hours, barely taking a
moment to focus on anything but each other.

By the end of the night, all I wanted was for him to kiss me
again.

“So how have things been this week, Emma?” I hesitated, conflicted
on whether or not to tell Doctor Mellow about Simon.

“Good.” I began slowly. “I have been trying to work though
things in my head.” I glanced toward the balcony. “I’ve managed to sit a chair
in the doorway of the balcony with the door.”

“That is a wonderful start, Emma. You need to keep pushing
yourself. Each day go a little bit further.” He scratched his elbow through the
thick material that was his plaid jacket.

From a parachute tracksuit to a plaid suit? Seriously? I
suppressed a laugh, glad that his ability to understand the mind was more
advanced than his fashion sense.  “And have you found something to
distract yourself with?”

“Someone.” I corrected. Dr Mellow looked at me, confused.
“I’ve met someone.” He looked surprised by this. Shocked even.

“Oh?”

“His name is Simon. When I’m around him, I don’t think about
things. And when I’m not with him, I think about him.” Should I tell him? “What
I tell you has to stay between us, right?”

“Right.” He spoke slowly.

“Simon is my professor. We started communicating as friends,
and now things have progressed.”

“Progressed?” Dr Mellow frowned over the edges of his
glasses.

“Yes. We can’t be just friends.”

“Emma, are you sure this Simon isn’t taking advantage of you
and your situation?” Dr Mellow scribbled in his notebook, which unnerved me. I
didn’t want any risk of this getting out.

“Can you not record this?”

“Pardon?”

“I don’t want to risk this getting out. If you write it
don’t then there is a trace. There is evidence.” My voice became louder as I
spoke. I suddenly wanted to take back the last few minutes. Why did I mention
him? “You have to keep this to yourself by law, right?”

“Emma, this information won’t leave this room. Tell me more
about this man. How does he make you feel?” I glanced uncertainly at his
notebook. Hesitation overtook me before I continued.

“He makes me feel loved.” I shrugged my shoulders. “I can’t
really describe how he makes me feel. There are no words strong enough to
properly convey how he makes me feel. Nothing even comes close.”

“How long have you been seeing him?”

“A week and a half. Almost two weeks.”

“So I have a rather strange question that might make you
want to run for the hills.”

That made me sit upright in bed. I dropped my phone, sending
it crashing onto the hardwood floor. I struggled out of the tangle of sheets,
finally managing to scoop up the phone. I quickly inspected it for damage. I
have no idea why I go through so many phones. Simon was chuckling when I put it
back to my ear.

“Sorry.” I mumbled, embarrassed. “You have a question?” I
repeated.

“Right.” He paused, like he was thinking the best way to
word what he wanted to say. The silence naturally made me panic. Silence was
never good. “I wanted to know if you'd like to meet Maddie.”

Wow. I had not been expecting that. Did I want to meet his
daughter? That made everything that much more real. I didn't doubt this was a
huge step for him too.

“Wow.” I managed. That is all I managed. I didn't know what
else to say.

“Em, even if we just end up beings friends, I think you're
the type of person I'd love for my daughter to know. You are an amazing woman,
regardless of what you think.” I was speechless. How could I say no to that?

“I’d love to meet her.”

“You’re meeting his kid?”

“Yes. Is that weird?”

“A bit.” Cass replied. I clutched the phone tighter and
paced the room. Cass was supposed to be reassuring me, not making me want to
lock myself in the cupboard. “But I guess it means he is really into you.” It
did, didn’t it? I smiled as I felt myself relax. What I needed was to approach
this like it was a good thing. Which it was.

“It is a good thing.”

“Right.” Cass chuckled. “So keep it that way and stop trying
to make it into a bad thing.”

“You are the best.” I declared. “Seriously. Best friend
ever.” Cass laughed again.

“I will tell Tom you said that.” Her mention of Tom reminded
me of the weirdness between them the other day.

“Speaking of Tom. What was with you two the other day?”

“What do you mean?” Cass knew exactly what I meant. Her
voice became low and tense, like it did every other time she was stressed.

“I just thought things were off. Never mind. I must have
imagined it.” Cass rambled on about a nightclub she was going to with Kally.
Smiling, I pretended to listen. I knew when my best friend was lying, but I
also knew she’d talk to me when she was ready.

“Sounds fun. Have a good night. I have to get ready to
entertain a four year old.”

The little girl stood behind Simon's leg, peering out at me
curiously.

I smiled at her and her face disappeared out of view. She
was shy, but she was adorable. Her chocolate curls, which hung down to her
shoulders, were held off her face with a pink butterfly clip. Her bright pink
skirt completely mismatched her orange leggings and green shirt.

I knelt down in front of her. She looked at me suspiciously,
her little white knuckles gripping Simon’s leg.

“You look very pretty today.” I said to her. She smiled,
stepping forward proudly, momentarily forgetting her shyness.

“I picked it myself too.” She announced, twirling so I could
get the full effect of her outfit. Just like that, her guarded exterior was
gone. We were friends.

       “She screamed when I
tried to change her leggings.” Simon rolled his eyes. “I couldn't even bribe
her with candy.”

“And so you shouldn't!” I chided.  “A four year old
with a sugar high is never a good thing.” Simon glanced over at the mountain of
fairy bread sitting on the counter.

“Really?” He raised his eyebrows, amused. Maybe I wasn’t in the
best position to lecture him, the amount of sugar piled into my little
triangles of bread would horrify my dentist.

“That was the only thing I had the ingredients to make.” I
flushed. “It's not like you gave me much notice.”

“So do you make fairy bread often? I mean, you had all the
ingredients already.” He added. I blushed again. Laughing, Simon carried Maddie
over to the couch. I followed with the fairy bread and drinks.

“Maddie, this is daddy’s friend, Emma.” Maddie looked up at
me with her huge blue eyes. When she smiled, I could see she was missing one of
her front teeth. 

“No daddy, Emma is my friend.” Maddie replied. I held out a
slice of fairy bread. I'd picked the bit with the most pink. Simon rolled his
eyes again. It didn’t take much to convert her to team Emma.

“I’ve lost my girlfriend to a four year old.” He muttered
under his breath. I glanced at him.

Did he just say girlfriend?

He winked at me. I smiled, turning my attention back to my
new friend.

“Maddie, would you like a slice?” Maddie leaned forward
slightly, her expression still serious. She inspected the sprinkles on the
bread.

She seemed satisfied with the amount of pink and nervously
took the slice from me. I smiled at Simon as she bit into the bread, sending a
cascade of sprinkles onto the couch. I giggled.

“You are amazing.” He whispered softy to me, ruffling
Maddie's hair.

“Girlfriend, hey?” Simon flushed, only now realising what
he’d said. He rolled his eyes as I laughed, enjoying his discomfort. His eyes
were firmly fixed on me. Maddie and I had gone from friends to best buddies as
we sat down of the floor to play dolls. Simon watched on in amusement, shaking
his head at me. I didn't care.

This was awesome. I loved dolls.

We played for a while, until she felt sleepy. She climbed
onto the couch and fell asleep. Simon waited until she was snoring softly. He
turned to me. He shook his head at me. He did that a lot. I was finally
accepting that was a good thing.

“Have I mentioned how amazing I think you are?” He said
again. What was that, the fourth time today?

“Yes, it’s not the first time I’ve heard about this amazing
girlfriend of yours.” Simon chuckled. He reached for my hand, pulling me back
against him. Honestly though, I was happy to hear it as often as he wanted to
say it. I fiddled with the drawstring on my top. Meeting Maddie today had been
a huge step for me. It made me sad, realising all the things I'd miss out on in
Simon and Maddie's lives if I couldn't break out of myself.

“Yes, I consider you my girlfriend. Do you have a problem
with that?”