Soldier on Her Doorstep (10 page)

But even though William had been dead only eight months, to Lisa it felt like an eternity some days. And like yesterday at
other times. Yet she'd hardly ever seen him. She'd been a single mom in many ways for most of their marriage. It didn't mean she hadn't loved him—she still did—but she wasn't going to be made to feel like she didn't care about his memory just because she was a little attracted to Alex.

Truth be told, if Alex hadn't come into her life she might have taken years to date again, let alone think about another man the way she was thinking about him. But he was here now, and there was something between them, and she wasn't going to let what other people thought get in her way. She was the only one to make decisions about her love life. And right now she didn't know what she was thinking!

She lay on the sofa and closed her eyes. It felt good. Relief washed through her as she stayed motionless. Her eyes stung from having cried, but she felt surprisingly okay. If she could just sleep it off maybe she'd feel better. Lilly was having a power nap, so why couldn't she?

 

Lisa woke with a start. How long had she been asleep?

She stretched out her limbs and combed her fingers through her hair before retying her ponytail.

Lilly.

Lisa hurried up to her bedroom and pushed open the door. She was up already, but Lisa knew where she'd be.

Less than a week ago Lilly would have been tapping her on the shoulder to wake her up. Now she wouldn't have had a thought for her snoring mother as she skipped out to find their guest.

Alex. She didn't particularly feel like seeing him right now, but she didn't have much of a choice.

She rounded the corner. Sure enough, there they were, standing side by side at the lake. Boston lay nearby, but he rose to greet her. The other two didn't bother to turn. Lilly might not have heard her, but she knew that Alex had. If he'd been a dog his ears would have twitched he was so alert.

“Hey, guys,” Lisa said.

Lilly swiveled. She nearly took Alex out again with her hook. “Mommy, look what Alex gave me!”

She gave Lilly a beamer of a smile and went forward to inspect it. Now she had pointed it out Lisa could see she held a pint-size rod. Perfect for her little hands. “Wow! Your own rod, huh?”

Lisa acted like everything was normal, even though hearing Lilly talk in front of someone else still stole her breath away and made her want to jump for joy. But, just as the therapist had instructed her, she ignored it. For good measure she kept her eyes away from the lure of Alex.

Lilly had excitement literally dripping from her.

And Lisa couldn't help but look.

Alex still had his eyes trained on the water, his line out. But she knew he was listening. “I hope you said thank you to Alex, sweetie?”

Lilly nodded. Smugly.

Lilly turned back to the water and put the line over her shoulder. Lisa could tell there had been some practicing going on.

“Cast it back in the water like I showed you, nice and steady,” Alex said quietly.

“Watch, Mom, watch!”

Lisa couldn't not watch, although half her gaze was focused on Alex. He stood with his feet spread shoulder-width apart, arms raised slightly from his sides. He looked as if he would be comfortable standing like that all day.

“Alex! Alex! Something's pulling!”

Lisa jumped at her daughter's excited train of words.

Alex calmly put down his own rod. “Stay still. Keep your hands steady.”

Lilly did as she was told.

Alex moved to stand behind her and placed his hands over hers. Lisa couldn't hear what he was saying, but he was whispering in Lilly's ear as he guided her.

A splash indicated the line had emerged from the water, followed by an excited squeal from Lilly. “It's a fish!”

Lisa knew what would come next.

Alex helped her bring it in, then placed it on the grass. He worked to unhook it as they watched.

“Don't hurt it!” Lilly exclaimed.

Lisa tried not to laugh.

Alex looked confused. Lisa watched in amusement as his eyebrows formed a knot. “Aren't we going to have the fish you caught for dinner?”

Lilly shook her head. At rapid speed.

He sighed. “Shall we throw it back in, then?”

She nodded this time. A big grin on her face.

Alex threw Lisa a wry look over his shoulder—the first time he'd looked at her since what had happened between them earlier. “Here goes.”

He let the fish go. Lisa knew as well as he did that it might die anyway, but Lilly looked happy.

“Bye, Mr. Fishy.”

Alex shook his head in mock dismay.

“Let's catch another one, Alex!”

Lisa thought she could listen to her daughter talk to Alex all day. Now that she was speaking to him she'd probably never stop.

 

Lisa knew something was wrong the moment she walked inside. The light, happy feeling bubbling inside her from hearing Lilly talk turned off like a tap.

Something was wrong. Then she heard it. A soft rasp at the front door, only just audible. She went to see who it was. Her sister or mother would have just walked in. She knew it was unlocked because she'd been too caught up in her thoughts to go and lock it earlier.

Lisa swung it open. The person standing there took her breath away. It was William's mother.

“Sally.” She tried to hide her discomfort. “I…ah…it's good to see you.”

The woman looked like a shell of a human. Her eyes had lost the freshness they'd once enjoyed. Lines tugged at the corners of her eyes where before her skin had been seamless.

Lisa knew how she felt. That hollow feeling, and then the desperate barrage of grief-stricken emotion. It was what she'd experienced herself when the messenger had come. It still gripped her late in the night, when the cold sweat on her skin told her that William was gone for good.

For Sally, the torment was written all over her face. She would never see her son again. Just like Lisa was never going to see her man again. But at least Lisa had Lilly to keep her going every morning when she held her in her arms.

Sally had her husband and her grandchild, but she had lost her only son.

Lisa ignored the guilt tugging within her belly. She wasn't trying to replace William—she could never do that—but today she had for the first time wondered if she could actually start over. Give herself another chance while at the same time not forgetting William. The guilt she felt now told her that maybe she wasn't ready yet. She might never be. Not entirely. But Alex had at least made her want to find out.

“Lisa, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come,” the other woman said tremulously.

Lisa stepped forward and pulled Sally into her embrace. “Yes, you should have.”

They stood like that, wrapped in one another's arms, not moving.

“Sally, about before—” Lisa started.

The older woman stepped back and dabbed at her eyes with a handkerchief, a shaky smile on her face.

“You've nothing to explain,” Sally insisted.

Lisa appreciated not being judged. “But I want to.”

“It's just—well, people were talking. After seeing you. I wanted to know for myself,” Sally said.

Lisa nodded. Oh, she knew how the town would be gossiping. They'd all have her dripping in black and a grieving widow until the end of her days if they could. But deep down she didn't care about them. Or anyone. Except her husband. And her family. And Sally was family, even if they were no longer connected by her marriage.

She linked her arm with Sally's and led her into the kitchen. “There's someone outside who I want you to see.”

Sally looked confused.

“The man you saw me with.” She paused as Sally's face took on a hue of uncertainty. “He is—was—a friend of William's.”

She sensed relief in the other woman. Her shoulders suddenly didn't appear so hunched, so shriveled.

“He served with William. He's just returned home.”

Sally's eyes looked hopeful. “Was he with William…at the end?”

“Yes.”

Sally closed her eyes as Lisa held her hands even tighter.

“He's—well, he's troubled,” she warned. “He doesn't like talking about what he saw over there.”

Sally nodded. “Not many do.” She gave Lisa a brave smile. “Not like our William did.”

“I do want you to meet him,' Lisa reiterated. “But I want the time to be right.”

“I understand,” Sally said.

Lisa beckoned with her hands and stood up. Sally did the same and Lisa put her arm around the older woman and led her to the window.

Alex was visible. He was still with Lilly. They stood side by side at the edge of the lake.

“Are you two…ah…” Sally cleared her throat “…seeing one another?”

Lisa shook her head slowly. “No.” She wasn't lying. There was nothing between them. Yet. If there was she would have said.

But she
had
thought about it. Had wondered if there was
any chance of something happening for real between them. Although after his reaction earlier…

Sally leaned into her. “Do you want there to be?”

Lisa didn't answer straight away. She'd known this woman for years. She'd been a fantastic mother-in-law. And she wasn't about to start lying to her—not when she'd never done it before.

“I think so.” It felt strange saying it, but it was the truth. If there was a way to be loyal to William, keep her family happy,
and
attempt to develop something with Alex—well, she would do it. The thought made her bones rattle.

Sally started to nod, and as she did she also started to cry. Tears pooled in Lisa's eyes too, but she fought them. She didn't want to hurt this woman—or herself.

“Would William approve of you being with him, do you think?” Sally asked.

Lisa knew the answer to that. She'd wondered that in the night. This afternoon too. Hadn't wanted to think about it, but she knew the answer without even pondering on it. William had been kind, open and loving. He would have wanted her to be happy.

“Yes.” She hugged Sally tighter. “In his absence, I can honestly say that, yes, he would.” Tears stung her eyes once more.

Sally still had her gaze trained on Alex. Lilly was leaning against him, like she was tired. “Then you have my blessing,” she said quietly.

Lisa's shoulders almost rose to the ceiling. It was as if the heaviest of weights had been removed. Not because she definitely wanted to move on, or because she was sure about her feelings for Alex yet, but because it was one less thing she had to battle with. To feel guilty about.

“You know this doesn't mean I didn't love William,” Lisa said urgently.

Sally turned damp eyes on her and put both hands on her
shoulders. “You were a good wife to him, Lisa. And we'll always love you.”

The Kennedys were good people. But she'd never thought they could be so understanding. Not when she wasn't even sure about her feelings or whether she forgave herself for being attracted to someone else so soon.

“Would you like to come around on Sunday night? That will give me some time to…get some things organized,” Lisa suggested.

“That would be great. Why don't you come to our place, though?” Sally offered.

Lisa wasn't sure how happy Alex would be about going, but she knew he'd make the effort. Maybe it would help him. Just maybe. And maybe it would also help her to finally figure out her feelings.

“W
HAT
do you say we go for a picnic today?”

Lisa looked up at Alex as she asked the question. He was sitting eating his breakfast. There were kitchen facilities out in the cabin, but Lisa had made a habit of asking him in for meals.

She liked the company—although he was nothing like William had been in the mornings, up before her, chatting up a storm, planning their day. She enjoyed Alex's company even if he was quiet. There was something about him, about his presence, that appealed to her. And he seemed to have forgiven her for seeking him out and precipitating their kiss yesterday.

Besides, there was no fridge out there, so he wasn't exactly going to keep milk, was he?

He chewed his toast. Thoughtfully. Lilly sat beside him, slurping at a bowl of cereal.

“Okay,” he said.

Lisa stifled her laugh. He didn't get a very good score in the enthusiasm stakes. “I thought it would be nice to take a walk through the National Park. Boston can come with us on a lead.”

Alex nodded. This time he didn't take so long to make a decision. It was like something had changed between them yesterday. Even after what had happened, they seemed to have silently moved on. He was more open. Different. And there was
even more of a closeness between him and Lilly. Lisa could sense it. Perhaps they'd been talking more than she realized?

“Do you walk the same track each time?” he wanted to know.

Lisa enjoyed a ripple of excitement as she saw she'd piqued his interest. One of the reasons this property was so special to her was its connection to nature. It was a nice feeling to think he was going to share it with her.

“I'll meet you outside the cabin in an hour. You'll find out all about it then.”

Alex went back to eating his toast and Lisa rifled through the fridge for the makings of the picnic. Lilly loved going on excursions, but she knew better than to rush off empty handed.

And it helped keep her mind off Alex. There was a spark, a flame that traveled between them when they were close, but he was so hard to get to know. The barrier he'd built around himself was made of something strong.

Lisa loved being outdoors. Loved hanging out with her daughter and enjoying the weather. She hoped Alex would too. Anything to bring him a little further out of his shell. Right now it was like they went two steps back for every one forward.

She wanted to know more about the demons he fought. She wanted to know if she could help him. Yesterday, she'd never thought it would be possible. Not when she still loved William so much. Not when Alex had pushed her away.

Now she was wondering if maybe, just maybe, something real could develop between the two of them. If they both took a big leap of faith.

 

Lilly was dancing along the edge of the river as Lisa attempted to haul the rowboat from its makeshift house. She heaved hard, but it was only moving an inch at a time.

“Hey!”

She turned at the sound of the voice and watched as Alex crossed the yard.

“Let me get that.”

She stood back. Grateful. She didn't much mind rowing it, and it usually wasn't so hard to get it out, but it had sat dormant since William's last visit home and then gone back wet the other day after it had been capsized. She should have told Alex to just leave it out.

He made it look easy, though. Alex hauled it behind him, the thick rope looped over his shoulder.

“You want to launch here?” he asked.

“Perfect.”

She passed Alex two packs, which he placed in the boat. Then he reached for Lilly.

“Need me to do anything else?” he said.

“Grab the dog.” That was the part she hated. Boston usually leapt and toppled them out, or she had to pick him up already wet.

Alex chased the dog and tackled him. “Come here, you filthy mongrel!”

Lilly laughed. Alex was trying his best to look stern.

Lisa decided not to point out how dirty Alex's T-shirt had become. He manhandled Boston into the boat, but the dog didn't seem to mind. He'd taken to Alex almost as quickly as Lilly had.

“Sit!” Lisa used her sternest voice.

Boston surprised her by obeying for once. She wondered if it was her command or the dirty look Alex gave him that had him sitting still.

Alex took up the paddles. “Where to?”

“I can row,” she offered.

Alex looked her up and down before shaking his head. “I could do with the exercise.”

That suited her just fine. She sat back with Lilly. Besides, it meant she got to admire him while he pulled the oars. Today was the first time she didn't feel quite so guilty about admitting she liked the look of him. Didn't feel quite so sinful.

“Head upstream. We go maybe ten minutes up, then get out to follow a trail,” she instructed.

He started to row. She watched his arms flex back and forth. Her ten minutes might not even make it to sixty seconds, given the speed at which he was propelling them!

“Just watch out for ducks,” she said slyly.

He slowed. Then gave her a pointed look.

“Boston tends to jump.” She grinned.

“You think I don't know that?” he said.

Lisa laughed. “Just reminding you.”

Alex shook his head and glared at the dog. “Not again.”

Boston looked up at him like a sweet little lamb. Lisa knew that look well, and didn't trust him one bit.

“It's beautiful here,” Alex commented, looking around.

“Take us in over there, by the outcrop,” she said, pointing.

He slowed his paddling and expertly guided them in.

Lisa reached out to catch the edge and tie the little boat to it. She looked back at Alex. He was holding both packs. She took one and strapped it to her back.

“Ladies first,” he said gallantly.

She climbed out carefully, and then put her hand out to take Lilly. Alex helped guide her. Boston was long gone.

“I thought we had to have him on a lead?” Alex said.

“We do. He got away from me, lead attached.” Lisa grimaced. “Boston!” she called.

He emerged, flying out from between the trees, and came to a flying halt at Lilly's feet. Lisa grabbed him by the leash.

“Want me to take him?” he asked.

She threw Alex a grateful look. “Please.”

They walked along in a comfortable silence that strangely made her feel closer to Alex than ever before. Lilly skipped behind them and inspected spiders' webs and bugs attached to the trees. Lisa kept up a steady pace, which had her lungs blowing after a while, but she didn't give up. Alex looked like he hadn't even walked an inch. His breathing was steady. No sweat. Just loping along. It was driving her crazy. Maybe she needed to do some army-style training to get her body up to speed.

He looked like he was chewing something over in his mind. She didn't pry. From what she'd seen of him so far, he needed to walk it off. Think. Not feel pressured. And he seemed relaxed despite it.

Lisa had already learnt the hard way not to expect too much in the conversation stakes. She was a compulsive talker, so it wasn't easy, but she could appreciate his pain. The way she felt about William wasn't exactly something she knew how to talk about. What he was feeling she guessed was on par with her pain.

“Tell me about Lilly.”

Just when she thought he'd gone and lost his tongue, Alex surprised her by talking.

She slowed down. Lilly had fallen behind anyway. So much for a punishing pace! If she went any faster she'd lose her own child.

“What does her therapist think about her progress?” he asked.

She still hadn't figured out why he had bonded so well with Lilly. What it was in her that resonated with him. Why she'd chosen him to talk to after all these months. Lisa was too scared to ask either of them in case she rocked the boat. But what was it that her daughter's eyes had seen that had made her want to connect with him so strongly?

“That she's doing okay, but she's taken William's death incredibly hard,” Lisa told him.

He stopped. His hand fell to Boston's head as he looked back at Lilly.

“Has she been prescribed any medication?”

Lisa thought that was an odd question for him to ask. “No. There were things offered initially, but one school of thought says time and routine is enough. I'd rather go for the non-medicated option.”

“Good.”

Good? What did he know about therapists and medication?
Did he go to one himself? If only she was brave enough to ask him.

“You're lucky to have a therapist in a town this size,” he commented.

Yes, they were. “She travels in every other week. Does the rounds of a few small towns.”

She sensed Alex had moved on. He seemed focused on the path ahead now.

“Where do you want to stop?” he asked.

“We keep following this path, not much further, then there's a small pond and a clearing. A few picnic tables.”

“Mind if I run ahead?”

Boston looked ready to go too. “Go for it,” Lisa said.

He surged into action. A steady rhythm that he seemed to find from his first stride.

She couldn't steal her eyes away.

His calves were bare, shorts ending just above his knees. His back stayed straight. Then he disappeared.

 

Alex waited for them at the clearing. The run had done him good. Boston lay sprawled out beside him, still panting.

Lilly came into view first, followed by her mother.

They were a pair, those two. Lilly had her hair tied into pigtails, but a handful of the hair from each had escaped. She gave him her usual grin and collapsed beside him. Lisa—well, he didn't even want to look at her too closely.

“Have you seen anything yet?” Lilly asked him.

He wasn't sure what she meant. Should he be keeping an eye out for something in particular?

“Mommy always says to keep your eyes peeled for moose and bear and caribou and elk and even wolves!” Lilly elaborated.

Lisa was shaking her head.

“Well, that's one very informed mom you have there,” Alex teased.

Lilly smiled proudly.

“Let's have this picnic before any of the above find our stash, shall we?” Lisa said.

Alex ignored the niggle in his chest as Lilly sat beside him and Lisa fiddled with the food. Getting too close to these two would mean more pain. Emotions that he couldn't deal with again. So why did he suddenly feel prepared to risk his heart for the first time since his parents had died?

 

They sat on a rug beneath scarcely waving branches as sunlight filtered through to warm their skin. Lisa was conscious of Alex's leg close to her own. So conscious that if she as much as wiggled her leg her thigh could be pressed against his.

She hadn't brought up the kiss, but then neither had he. They'd skirted around the issue, and she had a feeling it wouldn't ever be spoken of if she didn't bring the subject to the table. Literally.

Right now it was like she'd been released. As if she'd realized that she could be happy again. That she could be a woman and enjoy the pleasures of another man's company without disrespecting her husband.

But she needed to understand this man. Know more about him.

“Alex, you've never mentioned anything about your family,” she murmured.

Other than implying he didn't have one.

A wary look danced across his face. She recognized that look now. Knew it meant for her to back off. Fast.

“You don't have to tell me. I was just curious,” she said reassuringly.

He lay back, his hands finding a spot beneath his head. Lisa held her breath. He was going to talk. She could feel it. To her it seemed like a major breakthrough. As if they were finally connecting. What they had, the bond between them, meant he could finally trust her.

“My parents are both long-dead. It's just me,” he said tonelessly.

So there was a reason he'd never mentioned them. A reason he'd kept them close to his chest. “You lost them young?”

“Yup.”

She drew her knees up to her chest and hugged them. Maybe if she offered him something of her own past he'd keep communicating. “My father died of a heart attack when I was pretty young. So then it was just me, Mom and my sister.”

He propped himself up on one elbow. “You were close to your father?”

She gulped. It still made her feel sad, thinking about her father. “Very.” She might have been eighteen when he'd died, but it had still hit her extremely hard.

Lisa watched Lilly where she sat with Boston less than a few feet away. She was sprawled out with him, stroking his fur. They often spent hours like that. “Where do you live, Alex? I mean before your term away where did you live?”

A shadow over his face told her she'd probably asked enough questions for the day. But she needed to know. Wanted to know more about him.

“California. Originally.”

She nodded.

“But I haven't exactly had a place to call home for a long, long time,” he admitted.

“That must be hard. Not having somewhere to go.”

They sat silent for another few moments. Lisa looked up at the trees, her head snapped right back, and Alex plucked at the short shoots of grass.

“Alex, are you going to be deployed again?”

She sensed him tighten.

“No.”

Lisa could have leapt to touch the highest branch! She had been fighting that question for days, hours, and to hear him say no was the best news she'd received in a long while. Relief shuddered through her. She didn't need to pine for another soldier. Not ever. Losing one was enough. She wasn't even sure if she
could ever truly let another man into her life. Even Alex. She certainly could never, ever cope with losing another one.

He drew up to his full height and brushed off his shorts. “Shall we get back to the boat?”

Lisa didn't push him. There was nothing else she needed to ask. She put out a hand for him to help haul her up. He did. His hand clasped over hers and pulled her upright. His fingers felt smooth, firm against hers.