Soldier on Her Doorstep (12 page)

His thoughts might not be pure, but his intentions were. He knew his place, what he'd come here to do. That he had to be careful.

He
knew
.

“Hey.” Lisa stood there, looking like an angel descended from heaven before him. Her hair was loose about her shoulders. All reason left his mind as blood pumped through his body.

Alex noticed her legs, slender beneath her jeans, and her arms, hugged tight by the jersey. He noticed everything about her.

He was in way over his head.

“Hey.” He answered her greeting softly.

Sorry, William.
He sent a silent prayer skyward. He'd dealt with guilt all his life. But now…now he just felt like a man who was attracted to a woman. Drawn to a woman like he'd never been before in his lifetime.

If he could have done it without Lisa knowing he would have turned William's picture face-down to avoid those eyes. For once he didn't know if he could control his feelings, his emotions, his desires.

 

The cool night air snapped at their skin. Even though it was spring, the evening temperature still fell. Lisa skimmed her hands over her arms.

They walked along the bank, where grass fell down to the water. It was magical at this time of night. The water endless, the moon shining her white light down low. Lisa always wanted to walk after dinner, but it wasn't something she liked to do alone. Wasn't something she'd ever thought she'd enjoy with a man again. Not after so many years of sharing it with her husband. Not after believing she'd never fall in love again.

With Alex, right now, it was perfect.

“Let's hope we don't come across any bears.”

She laughed at Alex's joke. Sometimes he was so quiet, yet other times he made light of a situation and made her feel completely at ease. She could only imagine what he'd have been like had he not been haunted by war.

“Did you miss this while you were away?” she asked cautiously.

He slowed his walk so that he was just swinging one foot in front of the other at irregular intervals. She slowed too.

“I missed the feel of earth that wasn't sand. I missed the wave of trees, the smell of the country. The comfort of being somewhere no one wanted to take your life,” he replied.

She closed her eyes. She had no idea what it would be like to be in active combat, and she didn't want to know. William had always tried to skim over it, tried to make her think it wasn't that bad, but the honesty of Alex's words was precise. Real. He was saying it like it was.

“You never did say how long you were over there?”

He didn't hesitate. “I volunteered for back-to-back tours.”

She looked out toward the water. It sang to her like a lullaby. Did it have the same effect on him? “How did you do it, Alex? How did you stay over there?”

There was a raw-edged honesty to his voice. “I had nothing to come back to. Nothing to want to come home for. The army was all I ever had for years.” He paused. “When my parents died there was no one to take me in. So I ended up in foster care. The army was my chance to get out. Make something of myself.”

She had no idea what it would be like to be an orphan. To have no family to care for you. The thought, to her, was unconscionable.

“So why have you left the army after all these years?”

He glanced at her. “Because I couldn't do it anymore. I felt like I'd seen too much, been there too long.”

Alex stepped closer to the water. Closer to its silky depths.

She watched him. The breeze sent another shiver across her goosepimpled arms.

She couldn't deny it anymore. She wanted him in her life. Wanted to reach out to him, to tell him they could have a chance together. That they had nothing to feel guilty about.

Lisa walked up behind him. She stood there, so close she
was almost touching him, before placing her hands one on each arm. They settled over his forearms—strong, muscled forearms that clenched beneath her palms. Her fingers curled slightly, applying pressure to let him know she wasn't letting go.

“Alex…” She whispered his name.

He didn't react. Didn't move. He just stayed still.

Lisa started to move her fingertips, so lightly they barely made an imprint on his skin, until he made a slow half-turn toward her.

Alex met her direct gaze with his own. His eyes engaged hers with such intensity she felt a flicker of something unknown unfurl in her belly.

“Alex.” She murmured his name again, but this time her fingers traced a path up his arms.

He raised a hand to her face. Touched her with his forefinger, running it down her cheek, while his thumb nestled against her chin.

Lisa felt a quiver that ran the entire length of her body. The softness, lightness of his touch sent a tremor across the edge of her skin.

“Alex.” His name was the only word she could conjure. The only word she wanted to say.

He acted this time. Didn't answer her, didn't say her name, but answered her with his body.

Alex crushed her mouth hard against his. His lips met hers with ferocity, so different from that first time their mouths had touched.

Alex's free hand moved to cup the back of her head, pulling her against him as if he couldn't fit her body tightly enough against his if he tried.

Lisa felt her way to his torso, then ran her hands up the breadth of his back, up to his shoulders and down again.

“Lisa.” His eyes looked tormented, wild.

She took his hand, slowly, carefully, and turned. He resisted. For a heartbeat he resisted. Before clasping her fingers tight, interlocking his own against them.

They walked back to the house in silence. This time it was not a comfortable silence. Lisa could have cut the tension with a blunt knife it was so acute.

She didn't even know if she could be with another man. But she wanted Alex so much it hurt. He was never going to be William, but she didn't want him to be. All she knew right now was that she desired Alex. Period.

 

Alex wasn't sure he could do it.

Lisa reached out to touch his face, just with one finger, and he resisted the urge to pull back. To turn on the spot, flee, and never look back.

But Lisa's eyes stopped him. The soulful depths of them, the honesty and trust and worry he saw there, made him reach for her hand again. She only stopped moving to lock the door.

The click of it hit him in the spine. He was inside for the night, and he'd never felt more apprehensive in his life.

Lisa turned those eyes on him again. She was so honest he couldn't bear it. So trusting.

She was waiting for him to make a move. Waiting for him to do something to say it was all right. But he didn't know if it was right. Couldn't tell her that it was.

The only light that was on was in the kitchen. He let go of her hand and went to turn it off. Darkness set its heavy blanket over them. Only a hint of the moonlight that had guided them outside let him find his way back to her.

“Lisa.” This time it was him saying her name.

He could make out the tilt of her chin even in the dark. So defiant, so brave. He also saw the light quiver that made it tremble. She was scared. Not brave. As scared as he was.

He let his lips find hers, then he kissed down her neck, deep into her collarbone. Forgot everything and just focused on her.

“Upstairs.” She choked out the word at him.

It felt wrong, yet at the same time it felt so right. He stomped
on his inner demons and trusted her. Trusted that they were doing the right thing.

“Upstairs,” he repeated.

She obeyed.

 

Lisa wished she could take a tablet to quell her nerves. A lamp provided some light, but she would have preferred darkness.

She'd only been with one man before, and it had never felt like this. The quiver in her stomach was back with a vengeance, her skin felt like acid was dancing along the surface of it, burning the tiny hairs on her arms. With William it had been kind, comfortable. With Alex the intensity of her own desire frightened her.

Alex shut the bedroom door behind him.

She looked at him.

He looked back at her.

Then he crossed the room like the strong, determined soldier he was. His long legs ate up the carpet before he pressed into her and walked her two steps backward until she felt the wall touch her spine.

Alex's touch was like fire. His mouth found hers. His hands seemed to search every inch of her. He bent to trace her collarbone, her neck, like before, then nibble lower, so slowly it tormented her.

Alex dropped to his knees. He ran a hand down one of her legs before slipping her foot from her ballet flat. He did the same with the other.

His hands found a trail up her legs as he stood up slowly once more, his mouth back to press hard against hers.

“Are you sure?” He mumbled the words against her skin, his lips talking into her neck.

“Yes,” she whispered, her back arched with the pleasure of his touch.
“Yes.”

There was an unspoken nervousness between them. But Lisa wanted this like she'd never wanted anything in her life before. Her skin was alive. Blood was pumping with adrenalin
through her body as if she was about to plunge from a cliff for the first time.

Yes, she was sure. She wanted Alex. She could no more put a stop to it now than she could stop breathing.

 

Lisa didn't know if he was asleep or not. His chest was rising in a steady rhythm, and she could hear the soft whistle in and out of his breath, but she didn't know if he was asleep.

She didn't think sleep was ever going to find
her
. She was exhausted, mentally and physically, but sleep wasn't searching her out.

Lisa felt incredible. She was tired, but her senses still felt ignited. In a way she felt brand-new again. Tonight had been about being brave despite her fears, pushing through her own personal barriers and Alex's too.

Tonight she had said finally goodbye to her marriage. She kept William in a part of her heart, but accepted she could be with somebody else and not taint the memory of him. It was like she'd become a woman all over again.

She moved closer to Alex. Anything to feel his body hard against hers again, to feel the planes of his skin and muscles beneath her fingers.

“Go to sleep.” He spoke without moving an inch.

So he wasn't asleep.

“Alex?”

He didn't move. But she knew he was listening.

“Good night,” she murmured.

His grip on her arm tightened, ever so slightly. Lisa settled her head on his chest and closed her eyes.

She hoped he had no regrets. She didn't. And she doubted she ever would. Never in her life could she have believed that another man would touch her heart the way William had for so many years. Yet here she was, with Alex, knowing that maybe—just maybe—she had enough love, enough room in her heart and soul, for both men.

She didn't ever want to forget William. But she also didn't want to push happiness and love from her life.

Love might just have come looking for her, and admitting it made her feel a whole lot better. For the first time she didn't expect nightmares. Instead she closed her eyes with a smile on her face.

T
HE
smile she'd given him
,
the closeness of her body before she'd fallen asleep, had made Alex stiffen in alarm. Even more so than when he'd first set eyes upon her that day on the porch.

It had been dark, and he'd mostly had his eyes shut, but he had seen that look. Seen the way she'd been watching him. It wasn't right. Not with Lisa. He was meant to be giving her a hand with the cottage out of loyalty to William. What he'd done was inexcusable. Weak. Wrong.

As William Kennedy's widow, she was forbidden to him. If he didn't know better he'd think he was falling in love with her. Actually falling in love with a woman who was so very much out of bounds to him.

He should be banged head-first into a tree for even thinking it, let alone admitting it to himself. Love was not something he'd ever seen in his future. The life of a soldier's wife was no life for a woman, and now here he was thinking about absurd things like love. The only people he'd ever truly loved were his parents, and he'd determined never to feel like that again in his lifetime. Never to be in a position to feel grief.

He couldn't ignore Lisa, though, or the effect she had on him. It had kept him awake nearly all night, that smile of hers. Haunting him with its power. Teasing him with its honesty. Making him question himself.

He looked up at her bedroom, at the curtains still shutting
the early-morning light out. He should have stayed with her. Should have been there for her when she woke up. Should have nurtured her like she deserved to be the morning after making love to her.

What had he done?

His mind skipped back to the night before. He couldn't not have done it—couldn't have pushed her away.

But why?

He had resisted beautiful women before. Not often, but he had. So what was it about this one? What was it about Lisa that haunted his soul more than any horror image of what had happened at war? What was it about her that made him push the boundaries, disrespect his friend's memory, and go back on his vow to keep his heart guarded forever?

He didn't need to soul-search to locate an answer.

She was different because she was a real woman. Not just some girl he'd met on a night out. Not a girl who had the same idea in mind as him, which consisted of one word.
Fun.

Lisa was the kind of girl most men searched for. The kind that you took home to Mom because she would please even the most demanding of parents.

Lisa was the type of woman you wanted to love. To see mothering your children. Lisa was the type of woman he'd always avoided in the past. To protect himself.

But he had no family to take her home to. He had no one. He wasn't the type of guy who deserved a girl like that. Especially not her. Not when he'd taken her husband from her, ruined her chance for a family life.

Even with William's smiling face watching him from the hall and framed in the lounge he hadn't been able to resist her. He couldn't control himself, stop himself, when it came to Lisa.

And now he felt even more guilty than before. She was not the type of girl you made love to and then left in an empty bed alone. He'd been foolish last night, and had acted like an idiot this morning.

If he'd had the courage he would have crept back up those
stairs and crawled in beside her. Pretended like he'd never been gone. Pressed his body into hers and felt the warmth of her as she woke from slumber. Held her in his arms and kissed her eyelids before they opened for the day.

But he couldn't.

She hadn't been his to begin with, and there was too much keeping them apart to pretend she was. Or ever could be.

They had no future. It was impossible.

He had to tell her the truth. That if it wasn't for him William would still be alive.

He'd slept with the wife of the man who'd saved him. What kind of thanks was that? All he'd had to do was deliver William's bag of items to her. Comfort her, perhaps, if he'd really wanted to do something helpful. But take her to bed?

That was just unforgivable.

He'd taken advantage of a widow. Of a woman he should have vowed to protect. He'd taken from her, disrespected William, and there was nothing he could do to change it.

Being here with them, being part of their lives, had drawn him in. He'd run from it his entire life and he didn't want to be part of it now. Couldn't. Not after what he'd done. Not after holding William as he died, with a bullet in his chest that had been intended for Alex.

His friend. The man who'd talked about his family, told him and everyone else who'd listen how much he loved his life and what he had back home. So how was it fair that Alex was the one here and William was buried in the ground?

He heard a noise in the house.

It was now or never.

Alex kept his eyes open to avoid the memory or war, of what had happened, and focused on the porch to keep from seeing William lying in his arms. Looking up at him that day. Talking to him with such love in his eyes despite his pain.

To stop seeing scenes of his childhood that had started playing over and over in his mind. Of his family before they'd been
taken from him. Of what he might have had to come home to if they were still alive.

When Lisa appeared he was going to tell her the truth. It was what he had to do.

 

A smile lit Lisa's face as she walked. Last night had been incredible. Even her skin felt as if it was still alive beneath Alex's touch. There was no guilt. Or remorse. She still loved her husband, but what she felt for Alex was great. Different, but wonderful all the same.

Lisa was pleased Lilly was still asleep. It wasn't often she slept in, but this morning it was welcome. She wanted to spend some time with Alex alone before they were interrupted. Talk to him, kiss him, taste him. Reassure herself.

She scanned the living room and the kitchen but there was no sign of him. He must be outside already. She hugged the blanket tighter around her and tried to dull down her smile. Just because she was happy it didn't mean she had to go around grinning like a cat who'd caught a rabbit.

Lisa pushed open the door and stepped onto the porch. Her eyes hit his. She could tell he was watching, waiting for her. So why hadn't he just waited for her in bed?

He looked every part the soldier this morning. His eyes were steady, chin tilted, stance at ease. So different from William. More serious, more like a soldier even when he was off duty.

She noticed the change in his face, though. Recognized it from the man who'd arrived here, not the man she'd been with last night.

It worried her.

She could tell before he spoke that something was wrong. That something had changed from when she'd said good-night to him. What had happened between now and then?

“Alex, what are you doing out here?” she asked.

She slipped into a pair of flip-flops that were resting on the porch and walked the three steps down to the lawn. A touch of
wet hit her toes—the ground was still damp from the night—but she barely felt it.

“Alex?”

“I haven't told you the truth.” His voice was filled with grit.

She reached for his arm but he stayed still. Too still. She let her hand drop. He was pulling away from her. Emotionally, she knew that she'd lost him. That wall had gone up again. Even more so than before, if that were possible.

“There was a reason I came home and William didn't. You asked me if I saw how he died, and the answer is yes.”

She wasn't sure where he was going with this, but she stayed silent. He'd already said yes when she'd asked him that question before, but there was obviously more to the story. Alex looked angry, and she didn't want to interrupt him.

“We were on a mission when he died. We'd finished. Thought it was over. But it wasn't.”

She kept her eyes on his. He was hurting and all she could do was listen. His jaw was clenched so tight a stranger might guess it was wired so. A vein she'd never seen before strung a line down his neck.

“I was out in the open. William saw the enemy before I did. He called my name, distracted me, then threw himself over me.” He walked backward a step but didn't break his stare. “I was meant to die that day, Lisa. They were aiming for me. He didn't have to do it—save me—but he did.”

She didn't know what to say. It didn't make any difference. Not now. It didn't matter what he said. Her hands started to shake.

“He had everything to live for, Lisa. And I had nothing. It should have been me who died that day, me who came home in a body bag. Not him.”

His eyes were tortured, flashing. His hurt stabbed her in the chest but she didn't let him see it. Kept it hidden, tucked away, not wanting him to see her emotion.

“If it wasn't for me your husband would still be coming
home. He'd still be alive,” he reiterated, as though torturing himself with that truth.

“Alex.” His name came out strangled, broken. “Alex, please…”

“Don't you see, Lisa? It's all my fault. Everything that's happened to you, what's happened to Lilly, it's
my
fault.”

He punched out the words with such fury she didn't know what to do.

His words stung—not because they hurt her, but because they were so raw. Emotion cut through his body, his face, visible for all to see. Every angle, every plane of him was angry. Hurting.

A sob choked in her chest.

She had woken up this morning thinking it was the start of something fresh. That she and Alex had something special between them. Now he was ranting at her like he'd deliberately taken something precious from her, like he'd done something unforgivable. When all he'd done was be a soldier at war. A man. He'd done nothing wrong. How could he not see that?

“If you'd known this you never would have let me stay. You never would have invited me into your home.”

He spat the words out and she didn't want to answer him—not when he was like this.

“If William hadn't been such a hero and I hadn't been so careless he'd be here right now. Not me.”

And with that Alex spun around and started to march off.

“Don't you
dare
, Alex. You
cannot
walk away!” Her voice was tearful, but she fought to keep it strong.

He turned, his eyes wild, almost glaring at her. “Damn it, Lisa! I've wanted a family all my life. Dreamed about being brave enough to recreate what I lost as a boy.”

She stared at him. Unblinking. Questions in her eyes.

“And you—you and Lilly—you've shown me that it's worth fighting for. That family does mean everything.”

She nodded mutely.

“I'm sorry that I ruined your family. I am, Lisa. That's two families I've mucked up now.”

“No, Alex.” She glared back at him, incensed at what he was saying. “You were a boy when your parents died. A
boy
. You had nothing to do with it.”

“If I hadn't asked them for an ice cream—if I hadn't begged them to take me for one—they'd still be alive. If William hadn't—”

Lisa reached for him, and this time he didn't fight her. He let himself be pulled into her arms. She held him like she would comfort a child.

“You know William would have done the same for any of his men. You
know
that, right?”

He stayed ominously still.

“You can't keep blaming yourself, Alex. You're an intelligent man. You know a child cannot take responsibility for death. For fate. Lilly wanted to go for a picnic the other day, but it wasn't her fault that we came across a bear.”

Alex pulled back and watched her. She saw recognition in his eyes, but he still looked angry.

“Alex?”

He took a deep, shuddering breath.

“I understand, Alex.” She kept hold of his arms. “It doesn't mean you stop hurting. It just means you need to let go of the blame you feel. The guilt. Don't let your past stop you from…”

He watched her intently.

“From a second-chance family.”

He looked at her long and hard. Then he carefully detached her hands from his arms and turned around.

He started walking.

And he didn't look back.

Lisa's eyes were too filled with tears to watch where he went.

She fell down onto the porch step. Her legs folded, buckled and refused to hold her up. Her hands shook like they had
received an electric current that had torn every thread of her skin. Her muscles felt weak, bones liquid.

She had gone through every emotion possible when William had died, when the messengers in uniform had knocked on her door to tell her the news in person. They'd asked her if she had someone to come and be with her, watched with doom-filled eyes as she'd dialed her sister with a shaking hand and asked her to come over.

When they'd told her, as Anna held her hand, she'd sobbed with the uselessness of the situation, knowing that he'd been dead how long—maybe hours? An entire day?—and she'd just gone about her business with no idea that her husband had been gunned down. Then she'd been angry, beaten at the sofa with all her might.

Then she'd felt relief. A sickening wash of relief that there would be no more days of worrying, of hoping he was okay. Because he'd already gone.

Up until the day Alex had arrived she had still been heaving with different emotions, feelings. She still was.

But this? This was equally bad.

Because she'd finally pushed through her sadness, her grief and her anger, and she'd been ready to start over again. Comfortable with the choice she'd made last night.

How wrong she'd been.

And now Alex was going to leave for good. She could feel it.

He was going to leave and she'd never see him again.

The man she had been slowly falling in love with was going to leave her, and there was nothing she could do about it.