Soldier on Her Doorstep (13 page)

A few months ago she'd felt like the black widow. As if life was over and she'd never be able to claw her way back to normality. Well, she had. She'd forced her head above water, gotten on with life despite her pain, and then found Alex on her doorstep.

The man had been a stranger to her then, but now he was real. And she wanted him to be there beside her as she started
this life. She'd chosen to love Alex without guilt in her heart. But instead of returning that love he was going. Blaming himself for something he had never had the power to control. Holding on to pain from the past that she wanted to help him say goodbye to.

She loved him. If she hadn't loved him she never would have invited him into her bed last night.

 

Alex walked. He walked like he'd never walked before. As if there was a demon after him that wanted his life and if he stopped it would grab him by the throat.

He'd grabbed his pack from the car on the way past and it thumped rhythmically against his back now as he moved. What he needed was a night out in the open to clear his head. He couldn't care less if it was illegal to camp in the National Park. The place bordered the property, and it was surrounded by thousands of miles of forest. No one was going to bother about a single man minding his own business.

His feet pounded, ignoring the tug of roots as they tripped at his boots. The aroma of pine trees that he usually found so alluring did little to appease him. To tease the thunderous mood from him.

He'd told her the truth. The whole truth. He'd never forgive himself for what had happened that day, for not being alert enough to notice the snipers, for not screaming
no
at William as he'd moved to save him. For not acting fast enough himself and preventing the situation in the first place. Just like he'd never forgive himself for asking for ice cream that day of the crash. For putting his parents in the car that day.

Alex stopped. He stopped walking and braced one hand against a tree trunk to steady his breathing. And his mind.

It had all happened so fast. Too fast for him to do anything about it. Too fast for him to realize what was going on around him. Too fast for him to stop William from sacrificing his own life. Just like he'd been powerless as a boy.

His mind flashed to Lisa. To the torment on her face. He'd hurt her.

He should have told her right at the start. Should have explained what had happened and asked for her forgiveness that first day as they'd sat on the porch. Instead of letting things get this far before admitting his guilt. Instead of taking her to bed and letting her become intimate with the man she should be blaming for the way her life had turned out.

If he could take it back he would. If he could go back in time and take the bullets that had been destined for him he wouldn't hesitate. Not when it meant giving a woman her husband back and a child her father.

Because who would miss
him
? Who would even care that he was gone? Wasn't that why he had joined the army? Why he had always been so good at his job? Because he'd had no fear.

All his adult life he'd never had anything to live for, and it had made him fearless in the field.

Until now.

He had done his time in the army and he was finally putting that chapter of his life away. He'd never thought the day would come, but after William had died something inside him had had enough. He'd finished his tour and then asked to be relieved of his duty.

He might not have any plans, no idea of what he wanted to do yet, but it didn't involve the army. Not anymore.

The only thing he
was
sure about was that he couldn't stay here. Not now. He had to leave.

Lisa would probably have his stuff packed. She'd probably already chucked his belongings in the back of his car and was waiting to bid him farewell.

A knife stabbed at the muscles of his stomach, but he ignored it as he would a hunger pang.

Then he started marching.

The demon was after him again and he wanted to lose it.

 

He'd crossed the spot she'd mentioned that time they'd all been out together. Close to the neighbor's boundary. Then he'd followed the river until he'd come to a trail, and then he'd walked until he was exhausted.

He should have brought his rod with him. A man could only walk so far. Even he knew that. And yet his anger, his determination and guilt, had seen him pound out miles even he hadn't known he was capable of.

If he'd brought a line with him at least he could have eaten.

Alex guessed it to be about two o'clock. He squinted up at the sun. Yes, at least two. He fell in a messy heap to the ground and dragged his pack off his back.

He'd thrown the bag together before he'd left the mainland, thinking he'd be camping his first night out, but it still didn't hold everything he needed.

There was a box of wax matches, a few snack bars, his sleeping bag, and a tall bottle of water. He pulled off the lid and sculled a few deep mouthfuls.

It was stupid, his being out here without preparing properly first, but it wasn't as if his decision to march off into a national park had been made via logical conclusions.

He knew how to survive, could fend for himself for a decent amount of time out here if he had to, but he didn't really fancy being this far from civilization. Not at this time of year, when the bears were still hungry. Not to mention the wolves he'd heard call out in the night from the cabin.

He jumped back to his feet. What he needed was enough wood to start a fire. At least that would keep predators and any four-legged foes at bay.

Alex started to work. He scouted the site for timber, and his search didn't take him far. But he still worked up a sweat. Wet heat clung to his forehead and neck. He removed his shirt and wiped his skin, before tucking it into the back of his jeans. Then he sought out stones for the fire's perimeter, which proved harder. He marked his trail, lightly, and headed back out to
the river-edge. It took him at least half an hour to walk in and out with the first load of stones, but the next two trips were shorter.

By now he'd only counted one sign of wildlife. Two elk drinking greedily from the river. They'd scarpered fast when they'd seen him.

The loud twitter of birds had built to an almost deafening crescendo. He was pleased they were only just starting to sing like that. It meant he still had time to get this fire belting out heat and a steady flame glowing before darkness fell like a consuming blanket.

He pushed away the thoughts that niggled at his mind. He might have been stupid coming, but he was here now, and if anything he could punish himself by sleeping rough for the night.

He tinkered with the fire, blowing on the dried leaves he'd built up in the centre, cupping his hands to stop the wind dispelling the lick of flame that tickled the base of the leaves.

It only took him one try to get the fire breathing back at him.

Alex reached for a second snack bar and chewed each mouthful slowly. It had to last him until morning.

He had a feeling he should rest now too. When the wolves started their nightly ritual and sang to the forest, or the rustle of animal moved between the trees, he wasn't going to get any shut-eye. Plus he wanted to keep that fire stoked all night, to make sure he didn't become part of the food chain.

Alex took the waterproof sheet from his pack and strung it between the low branches of three trees that surrounded his spot. It was close enough to the fire to allow protection and a glimmer of heat, and the way the trees met with thick brush meant his back would be partly protected.

He dragged his T-shirt back over his head as the air began to cool around him, threw another few branches on the fire and slipped into his sleeping bag.

On second thought… He unzipped the end so his feet poked
out. At least he'd be able to run quickly if something did happen. The idea of being stuck helpless inside a bag was not one he wanted to entertain.

 

It was dark, and still he hadn't come home. Lisa was starting to worry.

The trouble was, she didn't want to call her mother or her sister. What would she tell them? That the man she'd kept insisting was just a visitor had left, as he was entitled to, and not returned? It wasn't like she was wanting to keep tabs on him, but walking out into the forest and not coming back before dark was not something she had expected him to do. Even that angry, she hadn't expected him to do that.

Alex never would have left the rental car sitting in her drive if he wasn't coming back, and his things were still in the cabin. She didn't have to check to know that.

Right now all she cared about was seeing his large frame walk back up her lawn. Seeing his shadow move behind the blind in the cabin. Or hearing his knock at the door.

She'd locked it, for safety, but she was ready to open it if he arrived home.

Home.
It was a word she knew well. But she knew the same could not be said for him. It hurt her knowing that he had no one and nowhere to call on.

This was a man who had turned up on her doorstep looking for her. A man who had seemed so traumatized that there was no hope for him. But she'd seen a transformation firsthand. Seen the change in him when Lilly started to talk to him. Felt the change in him when they were together, just like she'd felt it within herself.

As Lilly had found her words, so Alex had seemed to start finding himself. Whoever that might be. She liked him whatever way he came, because she knew that deep down he was a kind, brave, honest person. He was just hurting. And she wanted to help him.

Her heart continued its steady thump against the wall of her chest. She tried to swallow but her mouth kept drying out.

She went to check on Lilly again. Her little girl was snoring, ever so lightly. Boston raised his head, then tucked back into her.

Before William's passing Boston hadn't been allowed on the bed. Now he slept with Lilly every night. If it brought her daughter comfort she was happy to turn a blind eye to the hair he left behind.

Lisa walked to the window one last time. She pressed her forehead against the glass and conjured an image of him. Of Alex.

He was a soldier, she reminded herself. That meant he could survive.

And when was the last time a human had been taken by a bear in these parts? Plenty of people camped in the National Park.

She quickly rid her mind of thoughts of camping. The average tourist stuck to the camping grounds. They didn't just take off and set up camp wherever their feet stopped walking.

Lisa pulled her eyes away. It was so dark out she couldn't see a thing anyway. The lights on her porch didn't filter light out that far.

She went downstairs and pulled her wheat bag from the bottom drawer. She put it in the microwave to heat it.

Lisa watched as the numbers counted down from four minutes. That was as long as she'd give herself. Four full minutes until the bag was hot, then she was turning in for the night.

There was nothing she could do to help Alex except try and make him see reason when he eventually turned up again.

She was no use traipsing off into the forest with a torch. She couldn't even call the local park ranger. Their trainee had left a few months back, and the ranger who had served the area for two decades had suffered a heart attack. Right now it was just a group of townsmen who'd banded together to take turns until a replacement was found.

Her brother-in-law was one of those men. She wasn't going to wake her sister up at this time of the night.

All she could do was wait it out.

William. She called him in her mind. He would never have done anything silly like this—walking off into the forest and staying out after dark. But then William hadn't been troubled like Alex. William had been a talker. Had grown up with love and without pain.

She liked that both men were so different. It helped her to know she wasn't trying to replicate what she'd had with William.

Alex had shown her she did want to love again.

If only he'd come back and give her the chance to tell him that.

T
HE
door to the cottage was open. Alex fought against the clench of his jaw and forced his feet up the steps. His entire being felt shattered. Exhausted. More emotionally wrung out than he'd ever been.

His back ached, his mind was drained, and all he wanted to do was have a hot shower and rid himself of any memory of the hours he'd walked or the night he'd spent sleeping rough.

He had expected a mess. He had wondered if Lisa would throw all his things in a heap or politely have them waiting for him in the car. Thought she would have become angry, furious with him for what he'd done.

He was wrong on both counts.

Lilly was sitting on his bed. So was Boston. He ignored the dirty paw marks and levelled his eyes at Lilly instead. “Hi.”

She gazed up at him. He could see questions in her eyes, things she wanted to ask, but he didn't push her. He didn't want to. He didn't even think he wanted to know what the questions were.

“Alex,” she answered.

He hadn't got off as easily as he'd hoped. His head ached—an insistent, dull drumming of pain that banged at his forehead. He dropped to the seat across from the bed and looked at the little girl.

The last thing he'd wanted was to get close to her. In some ways he still felt nervous about how to talk to her, what to say,
what to do around her. But other times it just seemed so natural to hang out with her and help her through her not speaking. Like they were connected by what had happened. But when he looked in her eyes he still saw what she'd lost. And it hurt.

“Alex, I know you're not my daddy, but sometimes I wish you were,” she said in a small voice.

His eyes snapped shut. No. No, no,
no
. This was why he couldn't be here. Shouldn't be here.

He
wasn't
her father. He could never fill that role. And here she was, saying words that she didn't understand. Not knowing what had happened over there. Why her father had died and under what circumstances.

“Lilly…” He could barely whisper her name.

“I think Boston would like you as his dad too,” she continued.

Alex crushed the fingers of his left hand with his right, and tried to control the tic in his cheek and the pounding of his heart. It felt like his pulse was about to rupture from his skin.

She jumped from the bed with Boston in pursuit. “Want to come fishing?”

Alex shook his head. “Not right now, Lilly.”

She shrugged and ran off.

He tried to put his mind back together, like a tricky puzzle missing some of its pieces.

A knife had just been turned in his heart, giving him a fatal blow, so how was it he was still breathing? Why was it that the idea of being a daddy to that little girl had fired something within him that he hadn't even known existed?

He heard laughter, and then muffled talking from outside. Alex rose to close the door, then lay back on the bed.

He had no idea what to do.

He'd fought getting too close to anyone, being part of a family for so long. Now he felt as though he was on a precipice, dangerously close to the edge. One wrong move and he was lost.

 

“Alex?” Lisa tapped at the door. Her knuckles fell softly against the timber as she called.

A noise made her step back. She didn't want to be too in his face—not after how he'd acted last night. Not when she didn't know what was happening inside his mind.

But at the same time she wanted to scream. To yell at him and tell him how worried she had been, how she'd lain awake all night and prayed that he'd survive the night and then come back to her.

The door swung open. Relief hit her in the gut and stole the breath from her lungs, left her throat dry.

He looked terrible. Like a man who'd been out on the town for nights on end. Only she knew he hadn't. The darkness under his eyes was from the never-ending cycle of guilt and anger that she was determined to dispel. Even if she hated that he'd walked away, wanted to shake him and curse at him, she still wanted to throw her arms around him and hold him tight and beg him never to leave her like that ever again.

No matter what happened between them she wanted to help him. And there was one way she could do that. Without telling him anything, without letting her emotions take hold and make her say or do something she could regret, what she needed to do was
show
him something.

“Alex, I wondered if you might come somewhere with me?”

He looked wary. She understood. He'd expected her to be angry with him, to blame him, to shout back at him, but she didn't. She'd known William too well for that. If he'd decided to put himself in the line of fire to save another man—well, that had been his choice and she admired him for it. When it was your time to go, it was your time. Alex had had nothing to do with that. Just like as a boy he'd played no part in his parents' death.

She also didn't want him to know that she'd noticed his absence while he'd spent the night camping. Noticed it as if
one of her vital organs had been slipped from her body for an entire night.

He just stood, watching her still, his eyes unfocused yet looking at her.

“Please?” she said.

He shifted his weight, then went back inside. She waited. He emerged maybe four minutes later with his boots on, hair damp from the quick shower he'd managed.

“Where are we going?” Even his voice sounded husky, like he was hungover.

She smiled at him. “You'll see. Go get in the truck and I'll grab Lilly.”

 

He waited. He let his forehead rest against the butt of his hand as he leaned on the door. It was as if all his energy had drained through his feet and left them heavy with the residue of it.

He saw movement and looked up. Lilly was holding her mother's hand as they crossed down and over to the car. She jumped up beside him and sat in the middle of the bench seat before Lisa jumped behind the wheel.

“No Boston today?” he asked, trying to make normal conversation.

Lisa shook her head. “He'll be fine here for a little while. We're not going to be that long.”

He looked back out the window. He had no idea where they were going and he didn't much care. When they got back he was going to leave. He couldn't stay.

 

They rumbled along the road in silence. Even Lilly stayed quiet.

Alex sat there and observed. That was all he could do. There was nothing he could say, nothing he wanted to say, and Lisa had turned up the radio—presumably in an effort to avoid conversation.

They pulled up outside a nice enough single-level home. It
was set back off the road and sported a rustic feel, like most of the places they'd passed on their way here.

“We'll just be a minute,” Lisa said.

Lilly reached out and skimmed her fingers against his, before smiling at him and following her mom out the door.

A lump formed in his throat but he pushed it away. He didn't want to watch them but he had to. Couldn't drag his eyes away if he tried.

He saw Lisa's sister emerge from the house. They embraced and Lisa kissed her cheek. Her sister placed her arm around Lilly and led her inside.

Lisa started to walk back to the car. He was pleased her sister hadn't acknowledged him—it was, after all, what he deserved—but then maybe she hadn't even seen him.

She got into the cab and started the engine. They pulled back out onto the road. He wanted to ask her where they were going but he didn't.

She could take him wherever she liked.

 

The silence in the car became knife-edged. Although she hadn't really needed confirmation to guess that he wouldn't like cemeteries.

Every time she came here she thought of the funeral service. Now she wished Alex had been there to say goodbye to William too. Maybe it would have helped him find closure.

The memory of the jolt that had run through her body when the guns were raised and fired in a final salute still hit her spine every time she visited, but it was less pronounced than it had been the day of the service.

Full military honors and nothing less, and it had been very fitting for her husband. She'd taken home the flag passed to her by his commanding officer and tucked it in a special box in Lilly's wardrobe, there for her to have when she was old enough to appreciate it. Along with his uniform.

She cut the engine and turned in her seat to face Alex.

“Come with me,” she instructed.

Alex wouldn't look at her.

“Alex?”

“No.” He threw the word at her.

“I need you to come with me,” she said firmly. She opened her door and took a punt that he'd follow her. Eventually. She traced the path to William's headstone, standing white, tall and proud amongst many older ones.

Lisa came here every week. Every Sunday she usually came with Lilly, and they ran a rag over the stone to clean it and placed fresh flowers in the grate.

It didn't hurt her coming here—at least not the sharp pain it had been to start with. Now she just wanted to make William proud by looking after him, looking out for him even in death. To show him that she loved him still.

Lisa felt a presence behind her. She didn't turn to look. She knew Alex was there.

“William was a great man,” she said, forcing her voice to cooperate. “But he had many different roles.”

Alex stood still behind her. She could feel the size of him, the warmth of his body, as he stood his ground. This had to be uncomfortable for him, but she hoped he wouldn't walk away.

“William was a son, a husband, a father and a soldier. He valued each role, but his life was the life of a soldier, and we all knew and accepted that.
I
accepted that.”

She studied the headstone and hoped William could hear them. He
had
been a good man. She wasn't just saying it because he wasn't around to defend himself. He'd been great at everything he'd turned his hand to, but the role he'd been most destined for had been that of a soldier. He'd been a patriot, had strongly believed in serving his country, and she had never, ever resented that. Even now that he was gone she wouldn't let herself feel that way. She'd loved that he believed in serving and protecting. Apart from missing him when he was away, he had been the husband she'd always dreamed of.

“William was a soldier because he believed in fighting for
what was right. He was the type of man who would jump into a lake to save another human even if it meant he could drown himself. And that's why he saved you that day, Alex. Because that's the type of man he was.”

She turned then. Let her feet swivel until she was facing Alex.

He didn't look any better than he had earlier, but she knew he'd listened. He could look her in the eye now, and that was more than he'd been able to do earlier.

“What I'm trying to say,” she said, slowly reaching her arms up until her hands rested on his shoulders, “is that he couldn't
not
have saved you. It wasn't your fault that he died. He would have saved whoever was in the line of fire, and that day it just happened to be you.”

Alex looked like he was going to cry.

In all her years as a married woman she had never, ever seen a man cry. William had smiled, laughed, shown anger on the odd occasion. But not even when Lilly was born had he cried.

She pulled Alex into her arms and held him as tight as she could, as if he were Lilly and needed all the comfort in her mother's heart. Alex resisted for a heartbeat, before falling against her. Clinging to her.

He buried his face in her hair and held on to her. Hard.

“William wouldn't judge us, Alex. He wouldn't. If I thought I was disrespecting him I never would have let anything happen between us. I admit that it took me a while to feel that way, but I do honestly believe it now.”

His hold didn't change. She had thought he might shed some tears, but he was holding them firmly in check. She almost wished he'd let it go. She knew that holding tears back did nothing to help. That to move on sometimes you had to let go.

Alex straightened and cleared his throat.

“I'm sorry you feel like William's death was your fault, Alex. I really am. But I don't blame you, and I never will. You need to stop blaming yourself too,” she said.

She didn't wait for him to respond. Instead she turned around, closed her eyes, and whispered a silent prayer. It was the same one she said every time.

Alex still stood behind her. He hadn't moved.

“I'm going to go back to the truck now,” she told him.

He nodded. “Give me a minute, okay?”

She walked one step toward him, stretched to whisper a kiss on his cheek, then left him.

This was what she'd hoped for. That she could bring him here, tell it like it was, and leave him alone to make peace with William.

She got in the car and watched him.

Alex had crouched down. His long legs buckled under him as he squatted in front of the headstone, reading the words, then he sat back on the grass.

Lisa wanted to look away, to give him privacy, but she also wanted the chance to watch him while he couldn't see her.

The night before last had been incredible. Even if he had woken up troubled about what they'd done it had been amazing. Being in Alex's arms, being caught up against his skin, had been more than she'd ever experienced. Made her realize how different he was from William and how much she appreciated that.

His touch had filled every vein within her body with fiery light, made her want to keep him in her bed and never let him out. But it had been more than just physical. For the second time in her life she had fallen in love. Truly fallen in love.

She almost felt guilty. How was it that she'd had the privilege to fall in love twice? To have two amazing men come into her life and be able to love them both? She felt incredibly lucky, so special. She'd thought it would feel wrong, that it would trouble her, but it didn't at all.