Soldier on Her Doorstep (9 page)

When they'd kicked a ball around in the sand, sat back when there was nothing else to do, or lain side by side waiting for their orders, there had been nothing else to do but talk. And while Alex hadn't opened up much about his past, other than to tell William he had no family, his friend had reminisced about his little girl and his wife. Told him how he wanted to teach his daughter to fish and follow tracks in the forest one day.

So Alex felt good being here buying a rod. Felt right about doing something he knew William would have done, had he
lived. He wasn't trying to take his friend's place—part of him still wanted to run when Lilly so much as looked up at him—but this was something he could do. In William's memory. This was the way he could help William's family through their loss.

 

Lisa found Alex leaning against the hood of the car when they returned for the second time. He'd long since packed the groceries into the back, after she'd met him at the vehicle with the bags, and he was now leaning with one foot against the front wheel arch and the other out front.

Lilly bounded up to him, then decided to give Boston, who was still inside the car, her attention instead. She'd coped well with the therapist. Now she was open as a spring flower, and Alex and Boston were helping to keep her like it.

“I didn't know if he was allowed out or not,” Alex said, gesturing to the cooped-up canine.

“No, he isn't!” Even Lilly laughed at her mother's appalled expression. “He has a track record of stealing sausages from the butcher, snatching sandwiches—all sorts of things,” Lisa explained.

Alex cracked a grin. It stopped her in her tracks. She'd seen him smile more than once now, plenty of times, but they were often sad smiles. Often haunted. This one was powerful. It showed off straight white teeth and set his eyes to crinkling.

“That the real reason he travels shotgun?” he asked.

“You've got me there.” She smiled.

Alex opened the door and Lilly scrambled in. “She get on okay?” he asked.

Lisa gave him a thumbs-up. “Big progress.” She crossed around the side of the car to jump behind the wheel. When she got in, it wasn't as crowded as she'd expected.

Lilly had crawled into Alex's lap.

Lisa's hand shook as she tried to put the key in the ignition. She turned on the engine. Then looked at Alex. His eyes were pleading. Torn between terror and something she couldn't
identify. She was about to tell Lilly to get in her seat. About to take action. When Lilly's head fell against Alex's chest.

It nearly broke her heart.

Lilly had always sat like that with William. Lisa had always found them in the car like that, waiting for her to emerge from a shop.

And now she was sitting like that with Alex.

It was the first time since he'd come into their lives that she'd seen him fill William's boots. The idea of replacing William made her feel physically sick. But the ever-present thrum of attraction, of being drawn to Alex, quickly pushed away the nausea.

She met his eyes again. He didn't blink. Didn't pull his eyes away. The brown of his irises seemed to soften as he looked back at her. She watched as one hand circled Lilly, keeping her tucked gently against him. Lisa could see the gentle rise and fall of his chest. He still hadn't looked away.

She swallowed. Tried to. But a lump of something wouldn't pass. Lilly's doctor's words echoed in her mind, but she swept them away.

Something had changed between them. In that moment the goalposts had moved. It had been building up, simmering below the surface. But right now something had definitely changed.

She knew it and he knew it.

Alex wasn't pulling away from her daughter—but then she hadn't ever seen him truly pull away from Lilly before. They were like kindred spirits. The way they connected was—well, like nothing she had imagined, believed, could happen.

But he'd always pulled away from
her
. Always kept himself at a distance. Kept himself tucked away.

Not now.

Now Lisa could finally see with clarity that he felt it too. She'd been caught in his gaze too long.

Lisa placed her hands on the wheel. Her palms were damp. She put the car in gear, looked over her shoulder, then pulled out onto the road.

And then she saw her.

William's mother stood on the footpath. Watching them.

She raised a hand to wave to her, and cringed as guilt crawled across her skin. Swept like insects tiptoeing across every inch of her body. Brought that nausea to the surface again. Made her wish she could just stamp on the attraction she felt for Alex and go back to pining for William.

His mother raised her hand too. But Lisa could see the look on her face. It was pained and confused and upset.

Lisa thumped her foot on the accelerator to get away. She couldn't face her. Not right now.

She'd done nothing wrong, so why did she feel so guilty?

And why did she feel like nothing was ever going to be the same ever again?

She glanced over at Alex, taking her eyes from the road for a nanosecond. Lilly was still tucked against him. Boston had his head resting against his leg.

Could she really ever be with another man? William had been her one and only lover. The only man in her life. Her high-school sweetheart and best friend. The only man she'd ever wanted.

Did thinking about Alex romantically make her a bad person? She hoped not. Because there was no chance she could ignore Alex.

Not a chance.

She knew that now. And she didn't have the strength to fight it much longer.

No matter how much it was tying her in knots.

L
ISA
couldn't look at Alex
.
She got the feeling he felt the same.

As soon as they'd arrived home he'd carried the groceries in for her, placed them in the kitchen, then made for the door. He hadn't even spoken to Lilly.

Lilly had fallen asleep against him on the short drive home, waking only when Lisa had taken her from his arms and carried her inside. She was still napping now.

Lisa poured herself a cup of strong, sweet tea.

She hadn't lied to Alex earlier, Lilly's therapy session had gone great. Lilly had smiled, drawn happy pictures, and nodded in answer to the questions the therapist had asked. She hadn't spoken, but she'd communicated in the way the doctor had asked her to. Through creative expression.

But at the end the doctor had called Lisa aside. She'd told her that Lilly was making a sudden burst of progress, and asked about Alex. Lilly had drawn pictures of him—a large man standing beside them. A man with a smile. Which meant he was both important to her and a current source of happiness.

The doctor had pointed out that she'd drawn a family picture. With Alex cast as the dad.

It was fine. Lisa could deal with that image in theory. But the doctor had cautioned her that Alex leaving at any stage, for whatever reason, might cause Lilly to go back, to retreat further into a state of grieving.

Lisa didn't even know if Alex had been officially discharged from the army. For all she knew he might only be back for a few months or so before he was redeployed somewhere millions of miles from Alaska. And he was only staying here for another—what?—two weeks? Would they just try to go back to normal and forget he'd ever existed once he left?

The very thought of him going back to the place that had taken William from her made her sick to her gut. But soldiers were soldiers, and they went where they were needed. She'd been a patriot all her life, and just because William had been one of the casualties of war it did not mean she had any right to want Alex not to go back. Or even to think it.

But the thought of him leaving worried Lisa, regardless of where it was he might go. She could ask him to leave now, before they became too attached to each other, but that could do Lilly as much harm as losing him in a week or more. She could explain that because he was a friend of Daddy's he had to go back to his own house, but did she really need to burst that bubble now if Lilly honestly thought he was staying for longer? Did she even understand that he wasn't here for good? Lisa was struggling with the idea herself.

She rubbed at her neck. The base of it seemed to hold all her stress these days. It was worry. She knew that. Her neck had prickled ever since… Well, she was going to stop thinking about that. About Alex. Every time she did it reminded her that she was a widow, and she didn't need a fresh wave of guilt on her conscience. Thinking about him didn't mean she was cheating. Didn't make her disloyal. Surely?

Seeing William's mother had given her a good enough dose of that.

Lisa looked around the kitchen. She could bake. That always made her feel better. But she'd already finished creating her recipes and ideas for the book. What she needed was a break. Plus that reminded her that she actually had to send her work to her editor.

The house was silent. Birds cawed in the trees outside, their
noise filtering in. The sun let its rays escape in through the window, hitting the glass and sending slivers of light into the room.

What was Alex doing? She couldn't hear him, so he obviously wasn't working on the cabin.

She got up. Her feet seemed to lead her on autopilot toward the door. There was something forbidden about what she was doing. But she didn't stop. Just seeking him out felt like she was prodding a sleeping tiger.

It wasn't like she'd never gone out looking for him before, but today was different. Today she was haunted by the look in his eyes earlier in the car. Today she was a woman thinking about a man. Today she was fighting the widow who loved her husband still. Today she just wanted to be a woman who happened to like a man.

Lisa stopped before stepping outside to check her hair. She ran her hands across it, making sure her ponytail was smooth. She pressed her hands down her jeans and fiddled with her top.

She had no idea what she was doing. Why she was looking for him. But she had to see him. Had to prove to herself that there had been something between them in the car today. Something she wasn't imagining. Something that was worth feeling guilty over.

She followed the beaten path through the short grass and let her eyes wander out over the water. He was nowhere to be seen, but the lake calmed her as it always did.

Maybe that was why Alex had chosen to stay? Because he'd taken one look at that water and known he wanted to see it every morning when he woke up. She didn't dare wish that she'd been a reason factored into his decision.

Lisa gulped. Hard.

The door was ajar. Was he in there?

Her feet started walking her forward again. They didn't stop until she was at the door of the cabin, and still they itched to move.

She didn't know why, but she didn't call to him. Didn't tell him she was there. She didn't know why she was even seeking him out. She nudged the door open and took the final step inside. Her eyes found his straight away.

It was her who wanted to flee this time.

She looked into his face. Tried to ignore the fact that he was shirtless. That his tanned stomach with its tickle of hair was staring straight at her.

He remained wordless.

They just stared at one another. There was nothing to say.

They
had
both felt it in the car. It wasn't just her imagining it. She could tell from the sudden ignition of fire in his eyes that he felt the same.

He stood up. It was like a lump of words was stuck in her throat and no amount of swallowing was going to dislodge it. Or force it out.

His body sported an all-over tan. Or what she could see of it at least. His arms were firm, large. In a strong, masculine way—like he'd worked hard outside for a lot of hours. She didn't dare look down any further.

She met his eyes and wished she hadn't. She'd never seen him like this. Never.

“You need to go.”

His voice had the strength of a lion's growl. She felt told off. He had demanded she leave and yet she couldn't.

“Alex.” His name came out strangled.

He stopped in front of her. So close that she could feel the heat from his body.

She was immobile. Glued to the spot. She raised her hand from her side, moved it palm-first toward him. She ached to feel his skin.

He caught her wrist in a vice-like grip before she made contact.

“No.” His voice was still firm, gruff, but it was losing its power.

They stared at one another, glared. His breath grazed her skin.

She wasn't going to look away. Every inch of her wanted him. She'd never felt so alive, so desperate.

“Lisa, I can't—” His voice broke off.

She could see the torment in his eyes. He looked cracked open, yet so strong. Determined.

But he was as weak as her.

When she'd been with her husband it had been warm. Soft. Comfortable. It had
never
been like this. Attraction, intensity, punched the air between them.

His grip on her wrist slackened but she kept it still. He shuffled one step closer to her, their bodies now only inches apart. His lips parted and his mouth came toward hers.

She leaned forward until their lips touched. Just. He caught her bottom lip in the softest of caresses.

Lisa let her hand fall against him. Felt the softness of his skin, just like she'd imagined, beneath her palm.

He moaned. She could only just hear it. His lips still traced softly against hers. It was the deepest, most gentle, most spine-aching kiss she'd ever experienced. And still it went on.

So soft that she almost wondered if she was dreaming it.

She opened her eyes.

The six-feet-plus of bronzed, strong male before her convinced her that it was real. That
he
was real.

It was as if he'd felt her eyes pop.

He pulled back. Hard. Then jumped away from her as though she was some sort of danger to him. Pulled away like she was poison.

“No!” He belted out the word.

She was numb. Couldn't move.

“No.” Quieter this time.

She let her face ask the question.
Why not?

“Leave, Lisa. Please, just leave.”

His voice belied the emotion tearing him apart. Guilt cas
caded through her. She was the cause of it. Of his pain. Why had she done it? Come looking for him?

“Alex…” she whispered.

“You're another man's wife, damn it! Leave!” he barked.

She shook her head, tears forming in her eyes. Because she wasn't a wife. Not anymore. William was gone.
Gone!
She was no man's wife. The knowledge hit her like a blow to the gut. She was going to tell him that, but he looked torn. Grief-stricken. He wouldn't listen anyway. Besides, she didn't want to talk to him.

His back was turned. So she walked out. Kept her chin high as the tears started to trickle down her cheeks.

This wasn't fair. Life wasn't fair.

She still loved William. But she wanted Alex too.

Was it wrong to wish for both?

 

Alex watched her leave. He couldn't drag his eyes away from her if he tried. And he had tried.

It was like he was lost in her. Powerless to pull away from her. But she wasn't his. She could
never
be his.

Hadn't he already thought all this through?

His body had rebelled. She had felt so good against him. Lips softer than a feather pillow, hands lighter than a brush of silk.

He straightened and reached for his shirt.

Yes, he had already decided that she was forbidden. But that was before. Before Lilly had tucked up on his knee like a puppy. Before their afternoon out in the boat. Before Lisa had looked at him like that.

Before he'd let himself fall in too deep.

It was reminding him too much of what he'd lost. What it had been like to be a child with happy parents. And how much it hurt losing something like that. He'd long ago decided you were better not having it in the first place than risk losing it.

The last foster-family he'd been with had put a roof over his head and food in his belly, but he'd still felt like they'd just
had him in order to collect the welfare checks. They'd never treated him like they did their own son. And when the other soldiers, his family, had pinned up photos of their loved ones Alex had never been able even to look at the crumpled photos of his parents. Which was why he'd never let anyone close to him since they'd died. Because he had never wanted to feel that way ever again.

Alex looked out the window.

He had to force Lisa out of his head. Just because he liked being here, liked feeling part of this little family, it didn't mean he had a right to be attracted to her. Didn't mean she had a right to be attracted to him.

All he knew was that he wanted her. And that she was forbidden.

It would take a stronger man to pull away from her again, though. And he didn't think he could be any stronger. Alex had fought it for so long. Thought he could go without love. Without family. Forever.

But the pain in his chest, the pain that had been there suffocating him for most of his life, told him he was wrong. That no matter how hard he tried to forget, to move on and not think about the past or what could have been, he would do anything for a family to call his own. To recreate what he'd lost. And that was why he hated the fact that William had saved him and not thought about himself instead. Because family was everything in this world. It was the reason why Alex felt he had nothing.

Now he knew more than ever how much he really craved what he'd lost. How much he wanted what could have been. And it was killing him that he was yearning for the family that William had sacrificed to save Alex's life. How twisted was that?

It was time to move on. Or at least to get this cabin fixed up as soon as possible so he didn't look like he was running out on them. And then he'd leave as fast as he could.

 

Lisa wanted to curl into a ball and never emerge. What had happened out there?

Oh, she knew. She knew because she'd been the one to go out there searching for him. She'd known that there was something between them, and she'd gone out there hoping to find out exactly what it was.

It had certainly been an emotional day.

First she'd had to deal with the therapist, not to mention her mother on the phone. Then she'd seen her mother-in-law in town. And Lilly had curled up on Alex's lap, and then… Well, she didn't quite know what had happened with Alex in the cabin. What it was they'd shared.

She only knew that they'd both acted on it.

And it had been Alex who'd pulled away. When it should have been her.

Alex. Just thinking his name sent tickles through her veins. Made them jump beneath her skin.

He was handsome. He was strong. And yet he was also vulnerable. So unlike her husband it scared her. William had been so together. So controlled. Yet at the same time like a wide open book. Alex was mysterious. Hard to read.

Yet sexy as hell.

She was beyond confused.

There were people who'd like her to be a grieving widow forever. Her sister was one of them. William's friends fell into that category too. She had no desire to be miserable and alone for the rest of her life. No desire at all. But then she didn't exactly want to move on yet either.

She thought of William's mother. Her in-laws were possibly the only people in her life who were allowed to make judgments. She wouldn't blame
them
for wishing she stayed a widow forever. She had been married to their only son. She was the mother of their only grandchild. Of course it would hurt to see her moving on with her life.