Somewhere Over the Rainbow, I've Lost My Damn Mind: A Manic's Mood Chart (26 page)

Bathroom times are when things might get a little much and I need to settle myself down. I don’t really understand BMD or how it works, but I do know what works for me. Sure, hanging out in a bathroom doesn’t sound like the most normal thing to do, but it works. For some reason, I can calm myself down in there, and I feel safer. Can’t wait till my next girlfriend finds me sitting in the dark in the bathroom by myself. That’ll be a fun conversation.

The reason I was investigating the décor in the bathroom in Hamilton by myself during the wedding a few weekends ago was something that was my own fault. I’ve come to terms with what happened during my episode, or about as close as you can, I imagine; and while it’s never completely out of my mind, I’m not dwelling on it. But most of what I’m handling is what I can remember about what happened. Jazz was there among a few others during this roller-coaster ride of my episode, so I wanted to talk to him about what he saw and such. Sure, what he said freaked me out a little, about what I was doing and saying and the way I was acting. All of which I couldn’t remember. To think I was that out of control is concerning. I know it all kind of caught up with me two Saturday nights ago. A date with a bathroom was bound to happen.

Sure, I could go on with my life and act like the episode never happened, and I could try to hide from BMD, but it’s not going anywhere. It’s a part of me now, and it really is who I am. I know there are going to be more conversations with my friends about what happened, and some are going to be harder to take than others (fact), but I need to know. I feel like I owe it to myself, because no one else is going to do it. I’m truly thankful my friends are there to help, so I’m sorry if I end up freaking you all out by shutting myself in a bathroom from time to time.

Session

JP: You definitely should incorporate all the discussions with your friends to describe your manic episodes in multiple points of view in your next book. It would be great.

DT: Next book? Can we focus on trying to get this one out first, big guy?

JP: I’m just saying.

KEY TERMS:
KNEE FOOTBALL, TRADITION, FUNYONS, SNUGGIE

Submitted on 12/7/09

Orange

“
Hello, sports fans, and welcome to ‘Primetime Knee Football.’ I’m Brent Musburger, and we are coming to you live today from the cornfields of central Ohio, where the locals have deemed the playing field as ‘Back the Lane.’ It’s not unknown around these parts that the fierce competition that usually results from these epic battles between brothers runs over into the Monday morning bus stop for the Thompson Boys, but this is what keeps us coming back for more. For those of you new to the game, I’ll pass it along to our resident professional, Stubby, to give you the lowdown of the game.”

“
Thanks, Brent. The boys usually play this game somewhere in the toy room by the ‘Pop and Shot’ there to the left, with the end zones being the toy tractor line to the north and the living room to the south. No pads are allowed in this game, so the boys will be on their knees for the duration, but heavy hitting and multiple name-calling are encouraged. The game usually lasts anywhere between a half-hour to an hour, depending on which brother gets upset and decides to quit. The action is always two on one, with the offense having the advantage with the extra player. Needless to say, we’re in for a treat today, as some heated exchanges have already begun during pre-game when the boys were eating their breakfast and watching cartoons.”

In honor of the Thompson Boys’ childhood tradition of knee football, I’ve decided to start a new tradition with my brothers that they have no idea about, but one that I think will be a family favorite when it’s all said and done. Every Christmas, we are no different from any other family--well, one that has Christmas breakfast with their mom and stepdad along with their dad at their mom’s house before opening presents together. We put the funk in dysfunctional. But the manner in which we exchange gifts is ordinary. I usually try to get something for my brothers that I think they will enjoy and is popular at the time. For instance, a couple of years back, I got them iPods; nothing extravagant, but nice. I’ve realized that this tradition is missing something, so I’ve decided to make a change for the better (I hope).

Rather than exchanging traditional gifts, I’ve made up my mind that this year I’m going to do something a little different. I’ve known my brothers their entire lives and thus feel that I know them fairly well. For this reason, I’ve decided that every year, I’m going to give them their favorite childhood breakfast from “Primetime Knee Football” (Yoo-hoo and Honey Buns, root beer and Funyuns, I’ll let you guess who gets what) along with a gift from the As Seen on TV category. Lately, I’ve been paying close attention to commercials to find the perfect TV gift for my brothers and found it, a Snuggie.

I know many of you are thinking that a Snuggie is a great idea, and I couldn’t agree more (aside from the new dog Snuggie; a dog has fur to keep it warm, I feel it’s like putting a rain coat on a duck). The reason I chose a Snuggie may not be that common, though. During my episode, I became obsessed with noticing little things throughout my surroundings. I believed that a hand gesture, the color of a bum’s shirt, the background set in a movie, or the way a person greeted me were all signs or symbols leading me on a journey. Now, from time to time this feeling will creep back into me, and this happened during the Snuggie commercial.

I never noticed this before, but when the commercial cuts to the fans at a sports game all wearing Snuggies outside, there is an old man sitting in the front left-hand side towards the middle with no Snuggie on, freezing his butt off and shaking. Just rewind the commercial next time and stop it at this spot; pretty entertaining. This guy makes the whole commercial for me. It’s a little sad yet downright hilarious that no one in the crowd (especially considering the fact they are all at least twenty years younger) has the decency to offer this obvious grandpa a Snuggie to ease his extreme discomfort.

A little bit of a lame reason to decide on the Snuggie, I know, but I’m glad my mania has led me to notice the little things in life more. I couldn’t tell you how many toys my brothers and I received while growing up, but one of the most fun we had was playing knee football with a pillow. It’s like the old man in the commercial. It’s not the big flashy in-your- face elements of the commercial everyone else notices that hooked me. It was the simple, low-key, yet perfect shivering old man. As frustrated as I get with my mania, I’m glad it’s around to remind me of what is important in life: a breakfast of champions with root beer, Funyuns, Yoo-hoo, and Honey Buns.

Session

JP: Did your brothers enjoy their sugar for breakfast this year?

DT: Yeah, I kind of decided against that tradition, considering when I bought those gifts, I was convinced I was the Wizard of Oz. I thought it best to steer clear of anything that might trigger mania again.

JP: Recognizing those triggers and avoiding them will go a long way toward living as healthy life as possible.

DT: Yeah, but I was a pretty badass Wizard of Oz though.

JP: I’m sure you were, pumpkin-head--

DT: You
really
need to stop talking with my mom about me.

KEY TERMS:
LORD’S PRAYER, HALLUCINATE, APOCALYPTIC, ACE

Submitted on 1/21/10

Orange

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

I am going to use this entry to discuss religion and spirituality, so if you are easily offended by such conversation, please stop reading now.

It has been nearly a month since my last episode, and the only physical aftermath (well, aside from the scar from the cigarette burn on my palm, I should get a palm reading and see what they say about that) is the cracked dry skin between my fingers on both hands. This was caused by my obsessive need to pray during my episode. I’d guesstimate I recited the Lord’s Prayer several hundred times. There are a few underlying themes that come to light during my episodes, and the dominant one (well, co-dominant, but I’m not ready to share the other quite yet) is religion/spirituality.

I (like 50 percent of all BMD manics; and yes, I asked El Doc yesterday for that stat) have been blessed with psychosis during my episodes. This means I hallucinate, am delusional, and have intense feelings of grandiosity. It’s like going to bed sober and then waking up feeling like I’m on psychedelic drugs; yeah, it can get a little trippy. It fascinates me that these symptoms are so common among BMD manics. No matter where in the world one may be, the religious/spiritual symptoms are strongly similar. I’ve gone over this in my head countless times in the past two years, trying to find some sort of answer or clue. The same can be said for countless research studies around the globe, one of which I’m rockin’ with UC right meow. For me, I believe it can be boiled down to one simple phrase: my God has one hell of a sense of humor. Right about here is where the people who didn’t take my earlier warning seriously are more than likely seriously pissed.

I have to laugh at my situation because it can be just so ridiculous at times. My mania can feel like a game inside my head where all the rules of the natural world are thrown out the window and it feels like my life is at stake, plus the lives of all of humanity. Apocalyptic feelings aren’t real fun. I have to laugh at it in hindsight due to how ridiculous it sounds. I heart using analogies/metaphors (I always use them interchangeably and incorrectly so figured I’d just drop them both in there) so here’s one: it can feel like I’m sitting down to play a single hand of poker with the Devil and my soul is at stake. The dealer deals out the cards and somehow I’m playing with UNO cards and the re-deal rule doesn’t exist. Lucky for me, I’ve got an ace up my sleeve.

One of my questions during my research interviews at UC (ooooooohhhh, ooooooohhhh, ooooooohhhh, clap, clap, clap, U-C!) centers around if I believe I have a special relationship with God that others cannot have. The first few times I heard this question (I had to answer it every time for ten sessions) I responded by saying no. I didn’t want to think that I was somehow better than anyone else by implying that my relationship with God was some kind of exclusive arrangement. But after thinking about it the past couple of weeks, I do think I have a special relationship with God that no one else can have, and I also think everyone else should think that way. I can’t begin to try and imagine what the other billions of people in the world are going through. I mean, right now the entire country of Haiti is suffering beyond belief. I believe that God works with them in a way that they need and only they can understand. If our relationships with God weren’t special and were all the same, then we’d all have nothing.

I can’t stop smiling and laughing at some of the things I’ve experienced in the past couple years of my life that at first glance seem absolutely absurd. For instance, during episode deuce, my belief that I had put the phone company on hold and was playing a global game of hide-and-seek, all while pulling a practical joke on the entire planet. But in the end, I’m going to get the last laugh. Because I’m counting on making my hand of UNO cards to dominate that poker game with old Lucifer, even if I do have to cheat and get a lot of help from my Ace upstairs.

Session

JP: You have this ranked as an elevated mood with moderate severity; I’m interested in why you put it there?

DT: Well, I can remember how it felt for the first month or so after getting out of the hospital. I wasn’t having any psychotic symptoms, hallucinations or anything, but my dreams were unlike anything I’d ever had before. I would even dream that I was manic.

JP: Have you always had bad dreams?

DT: Not really. After my first episode, they started coming more often.

JP: What type of nightmares?

DT: Well, like, I’d watch my brothers or some other close family members die in front of me. I’ve been killed in my dreams as well.

JP: How do you deal with these?

DT: I write about them. It’s my way of fighting back.

KEY TERMS:
CHANDLER, RECEPTIONIST, TEACHER’S PET, STANFORD

Submitted on 6/7/10

Orange

I have been fortunate enough to receive a new nickname to add to my list: Chandler. Yes, a couple of my new coworkers (well, I’m an intern but give me a break, you’re about to see why) have decided that since I’m old (twenty-nine, not that old) and an intern that my nickname is Chandler from
Friends
(except I don’t get to sleep with that smokin’ Cougar). I of course laughed at the nickname and honestly didn’t mind it, and was having some fun that day with everything until I learned of my upcoming tasks for a couple of weeks this summer--as a receptionist.