Star (43 page)

He sat down and ran a hand through his hair in the familiar gesture she had not yet come to regard with affection. In truth, it annoyed her. But she was prepared to put up with anything. This was their life, and he was her husband.

“We have to talk.” His eyes were unrelenting. She was a decent woman and he appreciated what she had done for him. But this wasn’t what he wanted. He knew that now. He was sure of it. And he didn’t want a marriage that was all pretense and appearance.

“What do you want to talk about?” Her tone was icy. She was sick of his apparent difficulty in adjusting. As far as she could see, he had everything he wanted. A nice home, a maid to wait on him, an interesting wife with a good job, and important in-laws. But Spencer didn’t see it that way.
Not by a long shot.

“We have to talk about our marriage.”

An icy look came into her eyes. She had heard about it before, and she wasn’t interested in pursuing the subject.
She wasn’t going to give him a divorce. He was just going to have to grow up and face it.

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“I know,” he said ruefully. “That’s exactly the problem.”

“The problem is that you’re still thrashing around fighting it, and when you stop doing that, things will go a lot better. Look at my parents. Do you think it’s always been easy for them? I’m sure it hasn’t. They worked it out. So can we, if you’d finally accept what is and get on with it.” She looked extremely unsympathetic.

“
‘What is’
for me,” he said, and tried to speak calmly to her, “is that I don’t consider this a marriage.”

“I don’t agree with you.” She looked angry, but not sad. She was tired of talking about the problem.

“We’re not in love with each other. We never were. Doesn’t that matter to you?”

“Of course it does. But that will come later.” She sounded unconcerned, which made him feel even more crazy.

“When? When do you think that comes, Elizabeth? At sixty-five, like a retirement pension, or a bonus? It’s either there at the beginning, or it isn’t. And it never was for me. I tried to tell myself that it was, but it wasn’t. I wanted out right after we got engaged, and I said so. I let you talk me into this and I was a damn fool, and I knew it. It wasn’t fair to you, or to me, and now we’re paying the price for your being so goddamn stubborn.”

“What price
are
you paying?” She was angry now and it showed, finally. “The price of comfort, of having a wife you can be proud to be married to or a father-in-law who’s one of the most important men in the country?”

“I don’t give a goddamn about all that, and you know it.”

“I’m not so sure of that. Don’t you? Why did you
marry me, then, if you weren’t in love with me?” It was a very good question.

“I told myself I was in love with you. I thought we could make it work, but we can’t, and we have to face that.”

“You
face it.
You
deal with it. It’s
your
goddamn problem. All you do is whine all the time. Well stop whining and do something about it.”

“That’s what I want to do, God damn it!” He pounded the table in front of him, and he was tempted to throw something at her. “I want a divorce so I can get us both out of this and start living like a normal human being.”

“We’re not going anywhere, Spencer. We’re married, and that’s how it’s going to stay. For better or worse, until death do us part. So stop bitching and get used to it. Get off your ass, get a job. Do whatever the hell you want, but understand one thing. I’m not going to divorce you.” He felt despair envelop him as he listened to her. All he wanted was to go back to Crystal in California.

“How long do you think we can go on like this?”

“Forever. If we have to. It’s up to you how difficult you want to make it.”

“Don’t you want more than this? I do. I want someone I can talk to. Someone who wants the same things I do. Life, love, and happiness and children.” He was almost in tears. “Elizabeth, I want to be happy.”

“So do I.” She looked unsympathetically at him, and suddenly a thought crossed her mind. She had never thought of it before, but she still remembered the way he had looked at the girl in the nightclub that night after their engagement party in San Francisco, and then his announcement two days later that he didn’t want to get married. “Spencer,” she looked straight into his eyes, “is there someone else?” But he couldn’t tell her that. That wasn’t the issue. The real issue was that they had made a
mistake and it had to be faced. What happened after that was none of her business.

“No, there isn’t.” He wasn’t going to tell her about that. He didn’t want to cloud the issue.

“Are you sure?” She knew him better than he liked to think, but he shook his head, determined to lie to her, about Crystal.

“It isn’t important. What I’m saying to you means a lot more than that. This isn’t working for either of us, and it isn’t going to.” But she had come close to a nerve and it showed, and suddenly she knew it.

“It
is
important. I have a right to know if there is someone.”

“Would it change anything?” He eyed her carefully.

“I won’t give you a divorce if that’s what you want to know. But it would tell me something about you. I think all this nonsense you’re complaining about is really to cover something else, isn’t it?”

“I told you, that’s not the issue.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“Elizabeth, be sensible. Please.” What could he tell her? That there was another girl? That she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen, and he’d been in love with her since she was fourteen? And now they wanted to get married?

“My father wanted to introduce you to some important friends today.” She was ignoring everything he had said. “I think we should go.”

“For God’s sake, we’re talking about the rest of our lives. Why won’t you listen to reason?”

“Because your idea of reason is divorce, Spencer. Mine isn’t. And I won’t let you out of this. It’s as simple as that. I’m not going to let you embarrass me publicly. I don’t want to be divorced. I want to be married.” She had always wanted to be married to him, and she had
gotten exactly what she wanted. Almost. But as far as she was concerned, that was all you ever got in life. Almost. It was enough for her, if not for him, and she wasn’t going to let him off the hook that easy.

“But do you want to be married like this?”

“Yes.” There was no hesitation. “One of my father’s friends wanted to offer you a job today. I think you should meet him.”

“I’m tired of your father’s friends, and your father.”

“He’s a very important Democrat and it’s a government job.” She went on as though she hadn’t heard him, and Spencer wanted to scream. “And he thinks you could be useful to him.”

“I don’t want to be useful to anyone right now. Except myself. And you. I want to sort this mess out.”

“There is no mess, Spencer. Not as far as I’m concerned. And I’m not going to set you free, so forget it.” And as he looked at her, he knew that she meant it. She was never going to agree to divorce him. He was trapped. Perhaps forever.

“You mean that, don’t you?”

“Totally.” She looked coolly at her watch. “We have to be there at noon. I suggest you get dressed now.”

“I’m not a child, Elizabeth. I don’t want to be told what to do, when to dress and when to eat, and when to go to a party. I’m a man, and I want to live with a woman who loves me.”

“I’m sorry.” She stood up and looked at him coldly. He had destroyed any hope of that, but she still wasn’t going to let him go. And she was convinced there was another woman. But whoever she was, she wasn’t going to get him. “You’ll have to make do with this, won’t you?” She quietly left the room then, and an hour later she was downstairs in a crisp navy blue suit, and the navy alligator bag and pumps her father had given her for her
birthday. And hating himself for giving in to her, Spencer was dressed too. He was wearing a gray suit, and a face that would have been perfect for a funeral.

She chatted with him pleasantly, as though nothing had come between them. He felt as though his life were over. The part that mattered anyway. He felt hopeless. And her father’s friend was, predictably, both serious and important. He offered Spencer a job in a government office that would have interested him if he wanted to stay in Washington, and if he wanted a job that had come to him essentially because of the Barclays. But the job that had been offered him was a good one. It was the first offer he’d had that interested him, and he told the man he’d think it over. More to be polite than because he meant it. All he really wanted was to talk to Crystal. But when he called her late that night, when Elizabeth was in bed, he learned that Crystal had fared no better. Ernie watched her night and day, and once or twice she thought he was having her followed. She was even afraid to talk to Spencer on the phone, but luckily Ernie was out when Spencer called her. She told him only that Ernie had threatened her. But in truth she feared for Spencer’s life now. She knew that Ernie meant business.

Ernie came to the set unexpectedly these days, sat in her dressing room, monitored her calls, though she got very few. The only thing she was allowed to do was to go to work and go home to Ernie. He didn’t beat her up again, he never raped her, he didn’t touch her. He didn’t have to. He just told her he would kill Spencer. And the day after he had raped her, he came home with an enormous diamond necklace. He had smiled at her wickedly and the card read, “Think of it as a chastity belt. Love, Ernie.” But there was no doubt in her mind now what would happen to her if she tried to leave him for Spencer.
He would kill them both. Of that she was certain. And he said so.

She knew now what she had to do. She had to let Spencer go, for his sake. She couldn’t even tell him why. She was too afraid to tell him the truth, afraid he’d retaliate, or come back to California to try and rescue her from Ernie.

“How’s it going out there?” Spencer sounded exhausted when he called. It was after midnight and he was emotionally drained from the strain of trying to convince Elizabeth, unsuccessfully, to divorce him.

“It’s been difficult.” Crystal spoke in a quiet voice. It was the first time she’d talked to him in days, and tears filled her eyes as she thought of what she’d have to say. But she had to. For his sake.

“That’s the understatement of the year, isn’t it?” He tried to make light of it but they were both depressed and you could hear it. He had made his first big mistake when he’d decided to go ahead and marry Elizabeth when he knew he didn’t love her. He had listened to everyone except himself. And he had thought he was doing it for all the right reasons. He had even tried to convince himself that he did love her, and that his feelings for Crystal were only an infatuation.

“Have you spoken to Elizabeth?”

“Yes. Not that I’ve gotten anywhere. She absolutely refuses to cooperate, and other than beat her up, or catch her in bed with someone else, I’m not going to have grounds for divorce unless she agrees. But I’m not going to give up. Just give it a while, Crystal, I’ll convince her.” He didn’t know how yet, but he’d have to. But he was in no way prepared for Crystal’s next words. They hit him like a wrecker’s ball in his guts as he listened.

“You don’t need to do that. Ernie and I have been talking it over, and …” She almost choked on the
words, but forced herself to sound normal. It was the hardest role of her career, but she believed that Spencer’s life depended on it, and she had to convince him, no matter what he thought of her after. That was no longer important. She had begun to understand what Ernie’s role was in Hollywood. She had heard people talk about him on the set when they’d seen him with her. And rumors of his connections frightened her. There was more to Ernie than met the eye, and there were supposedly dangerous people behind him. And to them, Crystal represented the prospect of a great deal of money. “He thinks it’ll hurt my career if I leave him now.” She went on, “The publicity could hurt me very badly.”

Spencer felt his heart stop as he listened. “What are you saying to me?”

“I’m saying …” She forced a cool note into her voice, which was foreign to her. Her voice was normally filled with warmth and passion, just like her singing. “I’m saying that I don’t think you should come back out. I’m not ready to make any changes.”

“You’re staying with him?
Because of what people might say?
Have you gone crazy?”

“No,” she sounded so real that it broke her heart to say the words, but better to hurt him like this than to let Ernie do it with his minions. “I think I went a little crazy when I saw you. I couldn’t help it … it had been so long and … I don’t know. Maybe I was just playing a part … the part of the long-lost lover and the little girl who once loved him.” Tears rolled down her cheeks like sheets of rain but her voice was steady.

“Are you telling me you don’t love me?”

She swallowed hard, thinking only of him, and not herself, and the empty life that stretched before her. “I think that was all so long ago … I think we both got carried away when we saw each other.”

“Don’t give me that shit! I didn’t get ‘carried away’ by anything. I survived three years of that goddamn ugly little war just to come back to you and tell you I loved you.” He was almost shouting at her, and had to remind himself to keep his voice down. Elizabeth was asleep upstairs and he didn’t want to wake her. “Maybe I waited too long. Maybe I was a damn fool to do a lot of things. God knows I seem to have screwed everyone’s life up, but one thing I can tell you and that was that I was not ‘carried away’ or playing a part when I saw you. I love you. I’m ready to come out and marry you, as soon as I get this mess settled here, and I want to know what the hell you’re really saying.”

“I’m saying … that it’s over.” There was an endless silence on both ends, and his voice was deep and raw when he answered.

“Are you serious?” There was a sob in his throat, but he held it fast as he waited.

“Yes.” She could barely speak. “Yes, I’m serious. My career is too important to me now … and I owe too much to Ernie.”