Still Surviving (13 page)

I nodded and pulled my lips into my typical sideways grin. Tiffany’s black hair was pulled up into a loose, messy bun, exposing the perfect fucking curve of her neck. She was wearing the customary deep V-neck T-shirt with the Blue Bar logo on the front. Today with her hair up, the alabaster of her skin was more prominent. The shadowed swirling tattoos peeking out from under her collar always made me want more… to discover the entire picture with my eyes.

“How’d it go today?” Lily’s eyes appraised me, and she frowned. “You didn’t?”

“I did, Hell Cat. I did what I had to do.” I locked my eyes with Tiffany, and she handed me my small glass of Jameson.

“Seth?” Tiff worried her bottom lip, and I had an urge to take it in my mouth, suck on it… let her tongue lick against my lips.
Shit, I was losing it.

“I quit the U. I’m going to take that new account for my dad.” I sipped the amber liquid and let it burn away my regret.

“What? No way, you can’t.” Tiffany raised her voice, and her small hands rolled into fists. “I want to junk punch your father, Seth. This isn’t fair.”

“Life isn’t fair, I think we both know that.” I wished the words back in my mouth as her eyes darted to the floor in shame. “I… I didn’t mean it like that.” I was an idiot.

“I know.” She fidgeted with the dishtowel, her stare still on the wood floor.

“Look at me, Angel…” The brightness in her irises returned as she met my eyes. “I didn’t mean it… always look ahead remember.” I smiled, attempting to lighten her mood.

Her slightly fuller upper lip began to tremble as she struggled to smile. “Sorry, I’ve had a long day.” She was a shit liar. “I’m being way too sensitive. I’m just… I can’t believe you’re giving up music, Seth.” She shook her head and I couldn’t help it, I laughed. “Why the hell are you laughing? This is tragic.”

“Why is it tragic?” I drank the entire contents in one gulp and signaled to Lily to grab me another.

“On it.” Lily’s smile was sad.

“It’s a tragedy because you
are
music, Seth. You’re living… breathing… walking… art… sound… motion. It’s in your veins. It’s who you are. You can’t deny it. You sing, write, and you can play any damn instrument you want… boom… just like that. Seth, it’s like you’ve given up on breathing by working full time for your father.” Tiffany’s words soaked through my chest and another black piece of my heart started to live again.

“It’s just for now. Once I have this money, I can leave for good. I can teach… hell, I could start my own label. It’s just temporary. Don’t worry.” My hand found hers on the bar top. “Babe, I got this.” My fingertips played against her skin, memorizing each bump, each imperfection, each little thing that made her uniquely her.

“You promise? Don’t… lose yourself in the money.” Tiffany let her fingers lace through mine and then slowly pulled them back. We repeated this motion a few times. Each time our hand connected I felt it everywhere in my body. This girl had destroyed me, and I was letting her do it — day in and day out. These little moments would be the real death of me.

“I won’t… I promise.” My mouth spread into a grin as she looked down at our hands together. The word “Trust” was tattooed across my fingers, and the word “This” was tattooed across hers, my throat contracted as her other hand, the one with the word “Feel” tattooed across it rested next to our tangled fingers.

Feel This. Trust This.
My sternum felt as if it would split open if I didn’t kiss her right now. Fuck Scott! He had nothing — nothing to give this woman, this precious gift,
my
perfect creature.

Our eyes met and I began to lean forward just as Lily handed me my drink… breaking the moment.

“Here you go.” Lily was oblivious sometimes. “When does Scott come back to town?” I’d never wanted to strangle a person more than I did right now. I looked at Lily with wide eyes silently saying
“Are you fucking kidding me with this.”
She looked at me and shrugged like she had no idea why I was pissed.

Tiffany rapidly extricated her hands from mine and cleared her throat. Lily frowned, looked at me, and then the reality of the situation started to dawn on her. She mouthed the words “I’m sorry.” And my temper cooled.

“He’ll be back late Sunday. I’m bummed.” She grabbed the dishrag and started to wipe down the surface of the bar, studiously ignoring me — ignoring our moment — and it took all my sanity not to get mad. She was obviously confused too.

I threw back the new glass of whiskey letting it coat my throat and stood. The crowd was getting larger, and I knew if I didn’t get up there now I wouldn’t. I wanted to sing tonight. Open mic nights had moved to Wednesdays so that Todd and Lily could play their sets on Tuesdays, uninterrupted. Tonight I needed to remind myself how much I needed music, how much it fueled me, so I’d remember why I had to land this account and get the hell out of Montgomery and Simmons. I could make enough money to live my own life.
Live my own life.
It was music to my ears.

“You singing tonight?” Tiffany’s smile couldn’t get any broader or more beautiful.

“I am. Lily can you play for me?”

“You got the counter, Tiff?” Lily asked with enthusiasm.

“Hell, yes.” Tiff’s face lit up as she took in my grin.

“Grab Todd from the back if it gets busy.” Lily undid her apron and moved at a hurried pace from behind the bar.

“Good luck.” Tiffany smirked at me, and it felt like old times.

Lily and I set up two stools, and I grabbed Todd’s guitar. I checked to make sure it was tuned how I liked it, and then I sat down. I didn’t like talking to the crowd, that’s part of the reason I liked being a drummer. I preferred to be the beat, the instrument that set the pace, controlling the timing of the song. But on occasion it felt good to sing, it felt good to let my voice out and see what I was made of. Ever since the band that Todd and I were in broke up a few months ago, I found myself missing it, missing the stage. I wrote songs in my room at night, composed these pieces that I feared would never be heard.

Tonight I chose to play a song that lately I couldn’t get out of my head.

“You ready, Lil? Let’s do
“If You Were Here”
like we played last week in the living room?”

“The Cary Brother’s, right?” She pulled the strap of her guitar over her head as she sat on the stool.

“Yes. Like this.” I started to play the first chords; she watched for a moment and then fell in sync with me.

Each of the guitars played their part, and I began to feel it in my limbs. Music was an extension of who I was. The lyrics flowed from my lips. The tone of my voice was slightly flat, and I’d always felt insecure about it, the only thing I’d ever lacked confidence in. Tonight I didn’t care. I let myself sing with softs notes and held the powerful ones just fine. Lily’s voice complimented mine, and I felt lost in the song.

Everything around me dissipated, and all I saw was her. Tiffany was behind the bar staring at me like she was being consumed, like my voice was all she could hear. The look in her eyes told me everything I needed to know. She was fucking crazy about me. She was in just as deep as I was. I just had to hold out, stay the course, and control my shit so that when she was ready, when she could finally see through her own lie, I’d be able to give her everything I had. Every piece of me.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Tiffany

S
ETH’S CLEAR BLUE EYES
were penetrating right through me. His voice, his haunted tenor, it hurt my heart and shook me to the core. The words he sang drifted over the ever-present din of the bar and soaked my skin with chills. I never once dropped his gaze as he continued to make me fall for him with each note. He looked absurdly masculine in his rolled up white button down and slacks. The guitar in his hands shouldn’t fit the appearance, but it did. His brilliantly sculpted and tattooed forearms were such a contrast; it made Seth look over the top sexy.

When Lily strummed the last cord the crowd whistled and a small, shy smile parted Seth’s lips.
Shy?
He wasn’t shy. He was bold, powerful, and demanded attention. Tonight… he was different, and seeing this side of him, however small a part, it ignited the feelings I was trying desperately to tamp down.

My palms clapped on their own accord as I watched him cross the dance floor to his usual spot.

“Seth, that was unbelievable.” My eyes still on his as he took a seat on the barstool.

He beamed and pushed his empty glass in my direction. “Thanks, Angel.” I shook my head at his cocky response.

Where did that handsome shy guy go?

I poured his preferred Irish whiskey into the empty glass and smirked. “Why don’t you sing more?”

He snorted. “Because I suck at it.”

“Shut the fuck up, you do not and you know it.” I narrowed my eyes at him; he wasn’t one to fish for compliments.

“It’s the only thing in music I do suck at, Tiff. I’ve got a flat voice, always have. It’s all right for some things, but I could never be a real singer. It’s fine though. I don’t want to sing. I just like to every now and then and tonight… well, tonight I needed to.” He took a big gulp of his drink and closed his eyes. His Adam’s apple moved as he swallowed, and his nostrils flared from the familiar burn of the alcohol.

He was so hot, but I wasn’t allowed to think this way about him anymore. I mentally chastised myself and tried to make my next sentence sound coherent. “You needed to? Why?”

“Why?” he asked and I nodded. “Like you said, music is in my blood and courses through these veins, it’s the only shit that makes me feel alive, well besides—“

He locked his blues on me for a split second before he let his stare fall to the bar top.

“It’s important for me to keep playing, singing… composing. I’ll need that lifeline, Tiff. I’ll need that fucking lifeline after I sell my soul for a few million dollars. I’ll need something to pull me out of hell.” He pierced me with his eyes; they were almost gray with the intensity of his stare. He was looking at me like he wanted me to be the one to pull him from the depths, and I wanted nothing more than to be there for him.

“I’ll be there for you, Seth, you know this. I’m always here… remember?”

Seth’s smile was almost somber. “I know… you always got me.” He playfully brought his pointer finger to the tip of my nose and then pulled away. He chugged the rest of his drink as he stood.

“You leaving already?” I tried not to sound too disappointed. I shouldn’t be disappointed.

“Yeah, gotta get home, busy day tomorrow. So, Fuck Nut isn’t back till Sunday then?”

“Scott.” I scolded and then grinned at Seth’s wicked smirk.

“Whatever.” He chuckled, and my lips parted into a deep smile. “I want that tattoo you promised me.” He grabbed his wallet out of his back pocket and threw down a couple of bills onto the counter.

“What tattoo?” I said as I started to quickly make change in the till.

“Keep the change, Tiff.” He admonished. He never took the change, but I didn’t like accepting his large tips, especially not when he was forced to work for his dad.

“Seth, this is too much.”

“About that tattoo. Let’s start tomorrow?”

I shook my head at his “casual” change of subject and placed the extra money in my apron. “Thanks.”

“Always.” The word hung in the air like vapor as his eyes darted down to my lips. The muscles in his jaw ticking as he swallowed hard.

I tried to ignore that familiar sensation. He was my magnet again as we both fought against that insanely strong pull. “I have inventory tomorrow. Can you come to the shop after, maybe seven or eight?”

He nodded and moved his eyes back up to mine, no longer lingering on my mouth. “See you then, Tiff.” He turned and walked away without another glance or even a smile. Once he left through the front door, I was able to breathe easily again, and it felt as if my heart had restarted. Seth had me all mixed up; the lyrics of the song he and Lily sang crowded my brain.

“Sorry, Todd was feeling handsy.” Lily giggled; her lips swollen and face flush as she hurriedly put her apron on.

“Baby, you know what your voice does to me.” Todd came up from behind her and wrapped his arms around her small waist. I snickered as Lily fell easily against his chest and smiled.

“I know.” She leaned her head back enough so he could kiss her again.

Todd and Lily were so physical; I hardly ever heard them say I love you, but watching them… like this, there was no denying that they loved each other intensely. I had to look away. The weight in my chest was suffocating. I wanted what they had so badly, and I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be lucky enough to have it.

“Let me work.“ Lily giggled and pulled away from his embrace.

“You know where I am if you need me.” He smiled at her back as she walked to the other end of the bar. Todd shifted his gaze to me. “You okay, Tiffany?”

“I’m fine.” I turned away from his too perceptive stare. Todd used to be so wound up in Lily he never noticed anything else, but now… now he’s mister insightful all of a sudden.

“Where’s Seth, he check out already?”

“Yup.” A customer rattled off her order. I began to gather the ingredients for her drink request, feeling a hole being burned in my back from Todd’s deep brown eyes.

“I don’t like that asshole, Scott. Tiff, he’s bad news and all steroid rage waiting to happen.” Todd’s voice held no humor.

I placed the drink in front of the girl and collected her money. She indicated for me to keep the change, and I smiled in thanks. I decided to ignore Todd’s stupid mouth.

“Tiffany… I’m just thinking maybe—“

“You don’t even know him.” I whipped my head in his direction.

“Oh, I know him.” He leaned against the bar and folded his arms across his broad chest and let out an exasperated breath. “Guys like that, Tiff, they aren’t hard to read.”

I cocked my eyebrow. “What the hell does that mean?” It was my turn to angrily cross my arms.

“You’re too good for him.” His speech was soft, and he let his arms drop to his sides. His posture less rigid.