Still Surviving (9 page)

My front door shut with a thud, and it was like the final barricade between us was set. I couldn’t compete for a man who made it impossible to win. Seth was just a friend, a great friend, a man who pulled me from my own personal hell, and a man who’d never let me pull him from his.

CHAPTER NINE

Seth

W
ORK WAS A CLUSTER
fuck. My class ran long because I was fifteen minutes late. It was an exam day so I had to allow for enough time for my students to finish their test, which made me an hour late for my other job. To make matters worse, my father wasn’t at work today because he was in Seattle obtaining a new account, so I was stuck running shit. I hated when he was away, his partner Brett Simmons was a hard ass and rode me all damn day. Not to mention, all I could think about was Tiffany. The smell of orchids polluted my brain and pissed me off. She made it clear this morning that we were only going to be friends. After last night, I thought things could maybe change, but I couldn’t have been more wrong.

The lack of interest in her voice when I asked her to come with me to get our cars made it very apparent where her head was. She confused me beyond anything I could fucking care to comprehend. I was thinking stupid shit. I was thinking about Tiffany in my bed, wanting to show her what it was like to be worshiped. Shit, like how our bodies were meant to be together, and how her tiny frame fit the mold of mine like a key to a lock. This morning, when I woke up with her cheek against my chest, the velvet touch of her fingertips against my stomach, I’d never felt so good… so… happy.

I shook my head as I pulled into my driveway. This morning was the first time I ever wanted to actually be with a girl for more than one night. I had wanted the morning to continue. I had wanted to hold her hand in the cab again. Tiffany’s delicate fingers laced with mine, just as our legs had been when we woke up, would have been the perfect way to start our day, to start whatever it was between us. I hadn’t realized how much I needed her, wanted her to say yes this morning until she said no. When I asked her to ride back with me, and she said no, it was like a kick to the nuts. She’d spoken to me like I didn’t matter, and it felt as if someone had dumped cold water over my head. A fucking shock back to reality.

Tiffany had always been too good for me, and I wouldn’t even know how to begin to make her happy. But I could be there for her, be a friend like I promised. Even if it killed me to be anything less than hers. I inhaled a sharp breath at the thought. I didn’t fucking belong to anybody but myself. I needed to get this girl out of my system. She was messing with me hardcore.

Todd was home when I walked through the front door. “Hey, bro.” I gave him a short smile as I headed to my room.

“Wait up a second, Seth,” Todd called from the couch.

“Where’s Lily?” I asked.

“She’s already at work. She had to pick up Tiff…” He gave me a wary look. “So?”

“So what?” I wasn’t in the mood for an inquisition. I met his glare and didn’t look away, even when he narrowed his judgmental brown eyes at me. “What?” I tightened my jaw.

“You did… you fucking did… I told you not to shit where I ate man. I knew it, and now it’s weird, and Tiff’s—“

“You don’t even know what the hell you’re talking about.” My fist curled.

Todd stood and almost came toe to toe with me. “Explain it to me then. You left with her last night. You stayed at her place? Please, explain to me why you thought it’d be a good idea to fuck around with Tiff.”

My temper boiled over, and I shoved him square in the chest making him stumble backwards. “I didn’t.”

Todd gained his balance and clenched his teeth before he spoke. “You didn’t?”

“No, I didn’t. I told you… I’d never fuck Tiffany.” I took a long breath in an effort to calm my temper.

“That’s a damn lie and you know it, you’ve got it bad for that girl. Seth, I’m not stupid.” Todd ran his palm through his hair forcefully. It was a nervous habit he had and one of his many tells. The idea of Tiff and I together freaked him out because he had to work with her. But, he was also my best friend and wanted me to be happy.

“It’s not like that with us.” I let my shoulders relax. Todd was just looking out for her. I had to respect that. Todd knew the monster inside me. He had seen it first hand when we first moved in together. He knew my taste for women was a bit darker than most. My thirst for control ran deeper than he thought was right. He kept that shit to himself, though. Back in the day, Todd had been just as big of a slut, if not bigger, than I was now.

“How is it then?” He sat down on the couch and gestured for me to sit too. I didn’t. This wasn’t fucking sharing time, or girls’ night out. Lily had made him soft.

“It’s not your business, bro.”

“I’m gonna to tell you the exact same shit you told me back when I was being an idiot like you.” His smirk was pompous and it irritated the shit out of me.

“Oh yeah? What was that?”

“Pull your head out of your ass and look at what’s right in front of you.” The line of his mouth was serious. “Seth, you like her, so fight for her, even if the fight is with yourself. Aren’t you tired… tired of the game?”

I was exhausted, but I didn’t know anything else. Love, relationships, compromise — all that shit was never taught to me. No, I taught myself about the world. I was a voyeur of the human experience. A boy should never have to grow up without a mother. For so long, I had lacked that empathy, the ability to feel that “special something” that everyone talked about.

“Todd… I just don’t know how… how to be with another person like that. How you are with Lily… I’m just…” I wasn’t denying my feelings for Tiffany. They were there and ever present, but they were burning holes in my heart and in my lungs. Each breath of her scorched its way through my vital organs. It was my naiveté of what to do with all that shit that complicated things. “…I’m at a loss, man. I can’t make her go through all this with me. I’m—“

“Fucked up? Yeah, I know.” He shook his head. “She’s not like all those other girls or your
mother.
”

“Is that all Dr. Dixon? Am I free to go?” The muscle in my jaw pulsed. His words carried a heavy weight, and after the day I’d had today, I didn’t have the strength to deal with it.

“Don’t be a dick, man. You either like her or you don’t. I think you do. I think you need to stop being a pussy and move the hell on.” Todd stood from the couch and headed to the kitchen.

“I don’t remember asking you your thoughts on the matter.” I was being a stubborn prick. It was just who I was.

He sighed. “Whatever. You do you, yeah? See where that gets you. You’ll lose her, man, and you’ll fucking regret it. Some motherfucker will come along and scoop her up and then… well, you should know this. This was the shit you spoon-fed me when I was hurting over Lily. You want Tiffany screwing other dudes?”

My nostrils flared as a wave of nausea flooded my stomach. “Point made.” I clipped.

He nodded. “Just telling you the truth… like you did for me.” His smile was smug as he walked into the kitchen.

Todd was a loyal guy. His love for Lily, his family, his friends… it was fierce. He wanted to see the virtue in everything. He wanted to see the good in me. But it wasn’t there… I was incapable of love… real love… I was selfish. I was sick… the wounds from my past were still rotting. Tiffany’s choice to keep things platonic was smart on her part. Like I’d always said, in the end, we’re all animals, and her self-preservation must have kicked in. She was the first girl to see through my veneer, and it must have scared the shit out of her.

B
LUE
B
AR WAS WALL-TO-WALL
people tonight. The stench of men’s cologne mixed with sweat was overbearing. Todd and Lily had just finished their set. They had started playing together here after she got back a few months ago. On occasion, I played drums for them, or filled in for Todd if the bar was busy. Not tonight. My decision to come was last minute because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to see Tiffany. But for the first time, Sawyer and Elizabeth, our friends from up north, had come down from Ogden to watch Todd and Lily perform, and I hadn’t seen them in a long time. They were married and had a little girl so they never got to go out. Colby, Todd’s brother, and Cammie, his brother’s fiancée, watched their baby tonight so they could have a “date night.” Sailor was a cute kid, beautiful like her mom.

I’d always had a weird thing for Elizabeth, despite the fact we ran in two different crowds in High School. In my freshman year, my father was still dirt poor. We had very little and lived in a small two-bedroom house with hand-me down furniture from the thrift store. My dad worked two jobs just to keep food on the table. He pushed me into football so I could be good enough for a sports scholarship, just in case his master plan to build his company back from rubble didn’t work. He wanted my brother and me to go to college so badly he practically suited us up every week for practice. Because of that, I was king of the jocks, but I still remember the first time I saw Elizabeth at school. She stood out.

The quad was full; it was the second week of the first semester of my freshman year. Lunchtime was always the worst. I never knew who to sit with. I’d just joined the football team, but the guys were in “hazing mode” so I wasn’t allowed to sit with them. Today I chose to sit on my own. The sun was beating down from the late summer sky, causing sweat to bead on my forehead. I took a swig of my drink, and that’s when I saw her. Elizabeth. She was walking with this guy, Todd, I had met in my math class.

Rumor was this Elizabeth Haddington chick lived with Todd because her parents had both killed themselves when she was little. The story was she grew up with him on his family’s farm. The clique of rich girls I had English with first period always gossiped about her. They were jealous she was such good friends with Todd, I guess. These girls were mean, and I couldn’t understand why. They had everything. I was beginning to see what my father had always taught me; I was finally seeing females for what they were… pack animals. These girls in particular were wolves.

I’d had a crush on Samantha. She was the leader of their popular girl group. I’d asked her out on a date once, and the bitch laughed at me. She looked at me like I was scum. I was too poor for her taste. She was the meanest about Lizzie, too. She called her “Lezzie” behind her back.

My eyes watched Elizabeth’s thick, chocolate hair fall across her face as she laughed openly with Todd. She pushed her glasses up with her pointer finger as she walked to an empty table. She had curves in all the right places. Elizabeth had filled out quicker than most of the girls in school. She bent down, placing her bag on the concrete, and I gulped. Being a teenage boy was impossible. I was too young to want the things I was thinking as I watched this girl’s full breasts slightly bounce as she sat down.

Samantha walked by her table and pretended to trip, knocking Elizabeth’s drink over and onto the ground. She sneered and laughed as she walked by, but Elizabeth did the most surprising thing. Instead of looking sad, instead of crying or just letting it happen, she swore and gave Samantha the middle finger.

Lizzie had always been a force. In school she was always dressed in jeans and some worn out band T-shirt. She had these black-rimmed glasses that most of the kids thought were for nerds, but I thought they were cool. She didn’t give a fuck that people called her Lezzie behind her back or talked shit about the fact her parents had killed themselves. She was strong. She was a survivor like me. She built herself from nothing. She didn’t care about labels or money. Looking at her now, married to this great guy with a sweet kid, she’d done it, and she’d got what she’d deserved.

That bitch Samantha… She was all over me by senior year. By that time, my dad’s business was on point, I was the first string quarterback, and I had the status she desired. She used me for my money, for my popularity. She was the first girl I fucked, the first girl I left behind, and I’d never looked back.

“So how’s teaching? You liking it, Seth?” The familiar sound of Liz’s voice made me smile and pulled me from my darker thoughts.

“I am, it’s a sweet gig. You miss singing?” Me, Elizabeth and Todd had been in a band together back when we all went to the same college.

“Sometimes. But being a mom, going to school still, I’m a busy girl.” She smiled warmly at me. Her husband, Sawyer, took her hand in his.

“She’s crazy. I tell her all the time she doesn’t have to work. But she won’t hear it.”

“Stubborn?” I laughed at Lizzie’s scowl.

“Like a damn ox, brother.” He chuckled, and Elizabeth smacked his giant bicep. Sawyer was an ex-Navy SEAL and made a shit load of money as a carpenter.

“I want to work, I want to help people. I’m not stubborn… I’m… charitable.” She laughed. Elizabeth was going to school to be a recreational therapist. She had a soft spot for war vets with PTSD.