Still Surviving (8 page)

“He fucking raped you!” My hands fisted, and my body was coiled tight as I paced the room.

“You can’t rape the willing, Seth.”

“You told him to stop! Your fucking sister was drowning, and he pinned you down and raped you, Tiff!” I tried to lower my voice; I tried to dial myself down. I walked briskly over to where she was sitting and picked her up. I cradled her in my arms and laid her down on the bed, sitting myself next to her.

Her body shook with quiet sobs as I ran my fingers through her hair and across her cheeks. I let my fingers trace the lines of the tattoos on her arms in slow calming strokes. My index finger hovered over several thin straight lined scars that ran up and down the inside of her forearm in horizontal gashes. I turned her arm over and took in all the little white raised lines. I’d never noticed them before because her full sleeve of tattoos hid them.

“That’s not the worst part, though.” Her eyes, filled with remorse, followed my fingers across her self-inflicted wounds.

“Tell me, Tiff. Show me your worst.” I let my eyes close as I tried to gain my composure. I felt the dampness coat my lashes as she told me how her sister drowned. How she had to pull the lifeless body of a five-year-old little girl out of the pool. She told me how her rapist boyfriend left her there because he was drunk and didn’t want the cops questioning him. She remembered how no matter how many times she tried to breathe air into the blue lips of her sister, nothing happened.

“I couldn’t live with myself, Seth. I used to cut myself with a razor blade. I wanted to feel something other than the regret, the guilt, and the numb state I had to force upon myself every morning just to breathe, just to get out of bed.”

I brought her arm to my lips and kissed each raised line. I let my mouth feel the physical evidence of her pain. Tiffany’s lips trembled as my kisses moved to the bend in her arm. When our eyes met, hers began to spill over with emotion.

Tiffany confessed the sins she carried for so long, and I couldn’t stop the tears that were falling from my own eyes.

It was the first time I had ever cried. I cried for her sister, and I cried for this broken angel and everything she had endured.

CHAPTER EIGHT

Tiffany

N
O MORE WORDS
… I couldn’t speak another syllable. Seth just watched me silently. His eyes rimmed with red, his lashes wet. It was just his way… silent observation. He was always watching, drinking in everything around him, profoundly feeling every drop of life that filtered by him. You could see it in his eyes; you could tell by how raw he was with his words, never holding back what he truly thought.

He stood from his sitting position next to me on the bed. “Stay with me tonight?” I didn’t recognize my voice. It sounded hollow.

He nodded and then removed his shirt. He laid it out on my dresser while he took off his shoes. Usually, my eyes would have scoured his body, wanting, needing, but tonight was different. Tonight Seth and I shared something greater than the physical pull that always seemed to bring us together. Tonight he met the
real
me. He met my monsters and didn’t look away.

He listened to every wretched detail of how I had to bury my baby sister. He soothed me as I sobbed, as I let every piece of darkness seep from my pores. He didn’t judge me when I told him I cut my flesh to feel, or how I had used pain pills to dull the memory of her. Seth listened to every part of my horror story and he stayed. I told him about how my parents kicked me out at eighteen and never looked back. He silently fumed when he found out I lived with Colt for three emotionally abusive years because I had nowhere to go. Seth felt each cut, each slice in my flesh, and I couldn’t deny that I loved him. Even if it was just for tonight.

I kicked off my shoes and sat on the edge of the bed with my head in my hands.

“Hey… listen Angel—“

“Don’t call me that.” The tears were dry, but I felt them brewing. I didn’t deserve that term. I was no angel.

“Fuck that, Tiff. That’s what you are. You died that day, too, but you found your way back, you fought. You made mistakes, you hurt yourself — hell, you crucified yourself. Enough is enough. Look at how far you’ve come. You’re an angel, babe. You died… but you resurrected yourself. You’re parents deserted you, your boyfriend used you, but yet, here you are. You’re the strongest person I know.” He placed his hands in mine, lifting me from the mattress to a standing position. “I can’t imagine what each day is like for you… but I know you’re a good person. You need to remember that day for what it was. You and Anna were both victims. Don’t forget to look ahead, Tiffany… look at the woman you’ve become. She’s fucking unbelievable.”

I laid my forehead against his chest taking a deep pull of air into my lungs. His scent was calming as I tried to clear my head. He was right about that day. Colt had forced himself on me. I had tried to bury that down, bury the feeling of his hot breath on my neck, the sound of his voice as he held me against the washing machine, the cold hard metal pushing against my exposed breasts and cheek; it had happened and I had to believe it or I’d never really forgive myself.

Seth’s hand smoothed down the back of my head. “You’re right,” I whispered. He kissed the top of my head.

“I usually am.” I could hear the smile in his voice. “Let’s go to sleep. You’re exhausted.” He lifted my chin with one finger. His eyes on mine. Seth’s breathing was uneven as his eyes fell to my mouth; for a split second, I thought he was going to kiss me. But instead, he flipped the button of my jeans and slowly pulled my pants down as he kneeled before me. His hand on my calf, he raised my leg just enough to peel the jeans off completely and then repeated the task on my other leg.

“W-what are you doing?” My voice shuddered as he let his fingers massage the backs of my calves, then gradually drifting them up my goose bumped thighs.

“Putting you to bed.” His grin stretched across his face, lighting his steel blue eyes. He walked past me leaving me dazed. My body was so tired, my emotions overwhelmed, and my nerves frayed, but with one touch he could make me forget every terrible thing about my past… my life.

Seth pulled the sheets back just before he took his jeans off and placed them on the end of the bed. He stood there in just dark gray boxer briefs. His magnificent form revealed to me. All his ink, all that muscle — he was a monument… untouchable and beautiful. I blinked slowly. I thought for sure he would vanish before my eyes. No man could be this incredibly attractive.

Seth climbed into my bed. “You coming?”

I moved onto my side of the mattress and laid flat on my back while I pulled up the covers. The dim light of my side lamp cast funny shadows around the room. I was anxious and wasn’t sure what he expected of me.

“Roll over… onto your side.” I did as he asked. My heart skipped at the subtle command in his voice and then started a full on sprint when the heat of his hands skated under my shirt and across my back. The tips of his fingers found the lines of my angel wings. My nervous pulse eased and, with each stroke of his fingers against my skin, my eyes began to feel heavier.

“Thank you… for tonight… for letting me fall apart.”

Seth pulled me flush against his body, his powerful arm draped across my waist, my back to his chest. I felt his lips murmur against my neck as he spoke. “Just promise me one thing?”

“Okay?” I could feel the rise and fall of his strong chest along my back.

He didn’t speak for what felt like a whole minute. He trailed the tip of his nose along the line of my neck and inhaled. “Promise me, Tiff, even if shit between us gets fucked up… you’ll let me be there to pick up the pieces… if you need me. Don’t shut me out… I don’t think I could…” His forehead rested in the crook of my neck. “…just prom—“

“I promise, Seth. Friends, okay? Always.” The words hurt to say, because I wanted him to be so much more, but I’d take what I could get.

He pulled away from me just enough to put his head back on the pillow. The weight of his arm across my body made me feel safe. He exhaled a long breath before he began to paint little circles with his thumb against my belly. The rhythmic touch silenced my tension within minutes. Before I knew it, everything faded to black. This shit night was over, and I was more than happy to lie in his arms — where I was undeniably and finally home.

T
HE UNMISTAKABLE SMELL OF
soap, incense, and spice encapsulated me. My cheek was resting against Seth’s chest, and, once my eyes fluttered open, I realized my hand was laying against his hard stomach. My eyes widened and a slight smile broke across my face as I noticed that our legs were tangled in the best of ways. I turned my head just enough to steal another breath of his scent. The pads of my fingers lightly grazed along the lines of his defined abs.

“Well, good morning to you… find anything you like?” Seth’s voice was full of sleep as he chuckled.

I was sure he could feel the heat in my cheeks as they turned bright red with embarrassment. I immediately started to extricate my body from his.

“Stop moving.” He gripped my hand in his and placed it back on his stomach. “This is the best fucking wakeup call I’ve ever had, don’t ruin it.” His laugh sounded like gravel in his chest. “It’s still too early.”

“Seth… I feel like I got caught with my hand—“

“Down my underwear… no that’s a few more inches down, sweetheart.”

I slapped him against his chest as I lifted up on my forearm. “You’re an ass. I’m mortified and you’re making it worse.” His blue eyes sparkled with humor, and I laughed. “God, you suck.” I sat up completely and pushed the covers down letting the cold air hit our bodies. “There’s your wakeup call, jackass.”

He growled and grabbed me around the waist, pulling me back down into the bed, his nose burrowed into my hair. “Stay the fuck still so we can sleep. I’m tired, I have a headache, and I want to forget I need to get ready to go to work soon. Can we do that? Just give me five more minutes?”

My lips spread into a broad smile. I’d give him all the time in the world. “Sure… five minutes, and not a minute more.” I giggled at his groan. He released me from his embrace, and I felt a shiver run down my spine. I didn’t like the space between us. After last night, after I’d ripped open my veins and bled my soul onto the floor for him to see, I wanted nothing more than to hide with him in this private bubble.

“I need to get going. I have a ten o’clock class.” He sat up and looked at the clock. He swore under his breath as he realized it was already past nine. He jumped out of bed and rapidly moved through my room, dressing himself and gathering his things. I just couldn’t find the energy to move as I listened to him call a cab.

Everything about last night ran through my head: the confessions, the touches, and the promise. I wasn’t stupid. Seth cared about me, and at times it was very apparent he wanted me, but he never let himself, and that hesitation on his part made me feel small and confused. He had trust issues, he was a man whore, and he kept himself safe behind a well-constructed façade. But last night he let me into his isolation.

“I’m sorry to have to leave so soon.” He stared at me; his bright eyes searched my face. “Are you going to be okay today?” He came over and sat next to me on the bed. I noticed he left a little extra space between us, and my chest tightened. He was pulling away, he was letting the curtain fall, and it stung.

“I’ll be fine.” My smile was tight and the warmth in his eyes faded.

“Want to ride back to Blue with me? Get your car?” The gray color of his eyes grew deep as I shook my head.

“No, I’ll just have Lily pick me up before work.” I dropped my gaze to the bedspread and let a stray piece of string roll through my fingers.

He exhaled before he stood. The silence between us made the air thick. He once said to me, that night after I bailed him out of jail, “
I’m not who you think I am.”
The gravity of that statement was just starting to hit home. I had no idea who Seth was. After three years, I was still no closer to finding out what he wanted from me, from life, from himself. Sometimes, like last night, I’d get a glimpse, and lately the snap shots of who he truly was came more frequently. But then he’d shut the door on me, slam it in my face, and I’d be left out in the cold. I wasn’t sure how much more of this I could take.

“I’ll see you tonight? Will you come by Blue?” I asked trying to cover my fear of rejection with a hint of indifference.

“Most likely. Todd and Lily play tonight, right?” His voice was just as apathetic as mine.

I brought my eyes back up to his. His jaw was strained into a hard line. “Yeah, they go on at ten.”

“See ya then, Tiff.” His smile was forced as he turned to leave.

“Seth?” I tried to mask the panic in my tone. He stopped his back to me. “Are we okay?”

His head fell and he sighed softly. “Always Angel… I promise.”

He didn’t turn to look at me when he spoke or before he left. He didn’t even say goodbye. But his statement spoke volumes. I’d promised, didn’t I? No matter what, we’d be friends. I guess that’s all he wanted for us. As much as it hurt to have him not want more, I’d just have to deal with it. Because I couldn’t settle for anything less. My heart needed him in any capacity. Whether he was my poison or my cure, I’d take it.