Straightening Ali (18 page)

Ali watched as his mother chatted merrily to several women in one corner of the room, while Yasmin and Aneesa seemed to be the center of attention among a group of girls elsewhere.

“
What’s wrong with me?” Ali thought miserably, his smile masking the pain as another guest took a photograph of him. He felt isolated and almost disassociated from everything that was happening around him. The isolation was made harder by his attempts at conversation with Sajda who ignored him with a bashful look on her face, playing the blushing bride perfectly.

“
Are you happy, bro?” Yunus asked coming up to Ali and startling him from his thoughts.

“
No,” Ali mouthed to him unable to bite back his resentment.

Yunus’s face looked stunned at what seemed to be a revelation to him. “Get up! We’d better get going. All the guests have finished eating,” he said coldly. “I’ll be driving you back home!”

Auntie Fazal led a chorus of women in singing a traditional wedding song, as everyone followed Ali and Sajda out of the reception hall. Just as they reached the car, Sajda suddenly tore her hand out from Ali’s and flung herself into her fathers arms sobbing uncontrollably.

Ali stared at her, unsure what was happening. Had she felt the undercurrents of his unhappiness and could no longer deal with it, or had someone told her about his past? The thought of discovery made him feel sick. He looked at his mother for reassurance, but she was looking at Sajda shrewdly.

“
There, there, you’ll be back tomorrow,” her father said gently as he hugged her tightly.

Her mother then gathered Sajda into her arms giving her several kisses in an effort to comfort her. “Go now,” she said, leading her to the car and seating her inside. Ali got into the car after her and sat down beside Sajda bewildered by the exchange. Sajda sniffled a few times, but as soon as the car started and was out of view from the waving guests, the tears stopped just as suddenly as they had started.

Ali sat back tiredly in the car seat. “This is it. The start of my new life,” he thought sadly as the car began its journey back to Birmingham.

“
It was a really good day,” Yunus commented loudly. “You two make a really lovely couple.”

Ali gave him a filthy look knowing that Yunus was watching him in the rear view mirror, but he noticed Sajda blush shyly. Yunus fell back into silence again knowing that Ali was in no mood to talk to him. He drove slowly and with care trying to create a good impression.

The whole family was waiting outside the house as the car pulled into the driveway. Ali’s mother greeted Sajda enthusiastically and ushered her excitedly into the house barely acknowledging Ali who followed behind. As he entered, Ali stifled the instinctive urge to run upstairs to his bedroom and cocoon himself away reclusively.

“
Would you like some tea?” Ali’s mother asked after she’d settled everyone down in the lounge.

“
Yes, please,” Sajda replied shyly, her voice barely audible. Yasmin rushed away immediately to make it without even being instructed by Ammi in an effort to create a good impression.

“
It’s good to have you here,” Ali’s mother said, as she sat down next to Sajda. Ali’s grandmother cast a dark angry look in their direction and muttered under her breath before turning back to the gas fire in front of which she was sitting.

The room was quiet until Yasmin came back carrying a tray laden with tea and Pakistani sweetmeats. She served the tea to everyone, but Ali refused the proffered cup and saucer, unable to face drinking anything.

“
Ali, can you help your brother unload Sajda’s things from the car,” said Ali’s mother. “We just about managed to fit her suitcase in the boot, but it’s very heavy,” she warned.

The suitcase was as heavy as Ammi had described. It took both Yunus and Ali to lift the suitcase out of the car boot. “You shocked me with what you said earlier, Ali,” Yunus said breathlessly breaking the silence between them just after they’d brought the suitcase into the house, heaved it up the narrow stairs and into Ali’s bedroom. “Tell me you’re happy.”

“
I can’t. If I said that I’d be lying to you,” Ali said simmering with anger.

“
You’ve been smiling all day. You’ve sounded so happy. I don’t understand,” said Yunus sounding perplexed. He looked at his younger brother unable to grasp what was wrong.

“
It’s an act. You and the rest of the family destroyed me today. I hate you!” Ali said angrily, trying to keep the melodramatic tone out of his voice.

“
We didn’t want you to end up being a queer bastard. Did you expect us to sit back and let you play with your perverted friends?” Yunus asked, reflecting the same anger back at Ali.

“
Fuck off and leave me alone! You got what you wanted!” Ali said trying not to shout too loudly.

“
I’ll never leave you alone, you stupid fuck! I’ll always be here!” Yunus said, then without any warning, he grabbed Ali by the throat and squeezed hard making him choke. “I want to hear you say that you’re happy.”

“
No, leave me alone,” Ali said struggling to breath. He attempted to pry Yunus’s fingers away from his throat.

“
Tell me you’re happy,” Yunus said.

“
Leave me alone,” Ali gasped in pain, unable to breath now. Maybe if he stopped struggling and he let Yunus strangle him it could all end now.

“
Tell me you’re happy,” Yunus repeated.

“
I’m happy,” Ali managed to whisper feebly, unable to break away from Yunus’s tight grip.

“
If I ever hear you say otherwise, I’ll finish the job!” Yunus said letting go. “Make sure you fuck her tonight,” he said as Ali collapsed to the floor his face red and hot. He could still feel Yunus’s grip on his throat as he tried to get his breath back. He eventually reached for the inhaler that he kept in his bedside drawer, took several puffs from it, and waited for his breathing to return to normal. He looked up to face Yunus wondering how his brother could behave so violently towards him, but he’d already left the bedroom.

Ali picked himself up and lay down on the double bed that had replaced his single one. He stared up at the ceiling trying his best not to cry. “What am I going to do?” he thought gloomily. “My life is horrible,” he muttered.

Taking a few deep breaths, he got up from the bed and went back downstairs to the lounge to join his new wife and the rest of his family with a bright cheerful smile painted on his face.

“
It’s my wedding night, and it was meant to be the best night of my life, but it’s not turning out the way it’s supposed to,” Ali’s new bride said accusingly. “We’re meant to make love to each other, but you’ve not even touched me. You’ve ignored me since we got into bed together!”

“
I’m sorry,” Ali replied. “I’m just really tired. The camera flashes from all of the photographs that people were taking has given me a migraine.” He lay in the double bed facing away from his wife, feeling numb and empty, and in a state of shock.

“
That shouldn’t stop you. You’re a man. What is it? What’s wrong? Don’t you find me sexy? Why aren’t you even facing me?” Sajda asked almost petulantly.

“
Of course I find you sexy,” Ali said, trying to comfort his new wife. Somehow he knew that he didn’t sound very convincing, but hoped she believed his words. “I want to get to know you first before we do anything. This is only the second time that we’ve met. I hardly know you, yet. We need to spend some time getting to know each other a bit, that’s all.”

“
Ali, that’s a silly notion. It’s what English people say. We’re Muslim, and once you take a bride in Islam, she belongs to you. She becomes your property to do with as you please. I’m yours. I belong to you. You can do anything you want with me. Anything! We don’t need to wait and get to know each other first. Why don’t you try touching me,” Sajda suggested earnestly.

Ali turned round to face his wife. “I don’t want to do this,” he thought to himself miserably. The reality of the wedding was now hitting him hard. He hadn’t envisaged that the night would be like this. What he’d failed to consider was that Sajda might have her own expectations for the night.

“
I’m not ready to do anything, yet. I need to know someone properly before I can,” Ali said, trying desperately to escape from committing himself to anything sexual. “Let’s take some time getting to know each other. We could date each other, find out what we like and don’t like. Let’s develop things slowly. We don’t have to rush. We have all the time in the world.”

“
Forget about that, Ali. I’m here now. We can get to know each other right now,” Sajda said suggestively. “You know people say that I have the most beautiful body. Why don’t you hold me and find out whether it’s true.”

Ali moved closer to Sajda’s small form, which was hidden under the duvet. He leaned over reluctantly and put his arm around her waist. As he held her, all Ali could feel was extreme despair and anguish. He knew that Sajda was feeling unhappy and let down, and he wished desperately that he could make things right, but there was nothing he could do to make things better other than to give in to her demands.

Sajda pushed herself into Ali’s arms and held his hand. “Every married girl that I know has told me that their wedding night was the best night of their life. I can’t even begin to describe mine,” she said.

“
I’m sure they’ve lied to you,” Ali said. “I bet they were all too tired to do anything but sleep.”

“
They’re my closest friends. Why would they lie? Tonight’s been such a disappointment. I’ve waited for this moment for most of my life. You agreed to marry me, yet you don’t want to touch me. Why?” Sajda asked, making sure that Ali understood her frustration. She moved Ali’s hand gently to her breast.

Ali sighed and pulled his hand away. “Today has been a very long day,” he said. “Why don’t we make love tomorrow night when I’m less tired. Let’s try and make it special, something that we can both enjoy. Maybe you’re right and we don’t need a long time to get to know each other. Maybe just talking to each other tonight will be enough.”

“
You’re right,” Sajda said. “We shouldn’t ruin it. I’m not like the other Pakistani girls. I’ve been saving myself for my wedding night. When I was at college, I had lots of guys asking me out, but I knew it wasn’t right. I knew the perfect person would come along. What’s another night? Let’s wait until tomorrow, but can you give me a kiss tonight?”

Ali sighed inwardly in relief. His body felt wracked with pain and guilt. Part of him wanted to kiss Sajda and hold her in his arms and tell her that everything was going to be all right, but the other part rejected what was happening to him, finding every moment distressing and not wanting to share such closeness with anyone. “I just want to kill myself,” he thought to himself finding relief in the words and knowing that he’d somehow managed to postpone the inevitable.

The romantic notion that he might get to know Sajda better and fall in love with her was no longer a possibility. The wedding night had become a nightmare. He realized that he’d made the wrong decision. Things were so out of control. “I shouldn’t have married,” he thought. It was too late now though. He was going to spend the rest of his life with the woman next to him, and there was nothing he could do about it.

Ali tried to catch his breath. He felt trapped and asthmatic, as if caught in a lift that was stuck between two floors with no sign of rescue. Trying to calm himself down, Ali slowly counted to ten and managed to get his breathing back to normal. He leaned closer to Sajda, who had turned her face to him, and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek.

“
Ali, I’m married to you. You can do whatever you want to me, but you kiss me on my cheek as if I’m your sister,” Sajda said. “You can touch and kiss me wherever you want. I told you that I belong to you.”

Ali turned back to her and gave her a lingering kiss on her lips despite feeling no desire for her. He felt his chest tightening and his breathing became asthmatic. He felt a strong urge to go to the bathroom, but held Sajda for a few more moments trying to find the right timing to leave the bed.

“
I need to go to the bathroom,” he said eventually, getting out of the bed. He didn’t turn the bedside light on in case he saw a hurt look on Sajda’s face. Ali opened the bedroom door, and looked back at the silhouette of his wife lying on the bed in the now unfamiliar room. Her eyes glinted in the dark as she watched him.

“
Do you want any water or anything?” Ali asked her.

“
No, but thank you for asking,” she said to Ali. He could hear the sadness and worry in her voice. Her husband’s behavior had told her that something was wrong, but she had no idea what the problem was.

Ali crept to the downstairs bathroom quietly, making sure he didn’t make any noise to wake the family. The house was quiet, and everyone seemed to be asleep. All probably content and happy in the belief that Ali’s wedding had gone smoothly and that his life had now been sorted out.