Stripped Senseless (10 page)

             
Suck the shit up
David,
take the good with the
bad.
 
What’s the worst that can happen?
 
I could be gangbanged by a load of uglies
wearing Crayola as make-up that’s what.
 

             
We start our usual routine of
reprimanding the ladies in question.
Ha
ladies, yeah fucking right. No chance of my cock getting hard here, Karma David
that is exactly what we have right here.
 

             
“Ladies I believe you have all
been naughty, I need to search you before I take you down to the station.
 
The lads and I step up towards some of the
ladies. I get the woman whose 21
^st
it is, fuck she is a proper
minger.
 
I step towards her putting my
hands on her shoulders first of all.

             
I wish I had brought my latex gloves for this job, her breath alone
could knock over a bloody elephant!
 

             
I run my hands over her body. I
exude self-confidence but inside I am trying to hold back the rise of vomit I
can feel bubbling within my stomach, like a bubbling cauldron.
 

             
“Great Lady I can see from running
my hands all over your little body you
have
nothing
that will prick me.”
 
God I inwardly
cringe at the words.

             
“
Ooooo
but have you officer? I would love for you to prick me with something….Hard.”
 
She says enthusiastically.
 
Christ no, no, no. My cock has shrivelled all
way back into its skin, even my cock shouts, back your fucking truck up there
lady!!

             
I smile at her nervously, and I
almost never get nervous at anything.
 
This woman had better not pounce at me, I may just cry if she does.
 
She smells like a fucking tramp, her self-
hygiene leaves a lot to be desired, I pity the poor old sap that will be her
first.
 
Going down on her would be like
giving oral to the oldest trash can full of old rotten fish that even the stray
cats won’t touch.
 

             
The lads and I start our stripping
action, I try to put my all into it but truth be told all I can think of is the
night I spotted Tania in that outrageous group of hens.
 
These ladies are total polar opposites to the
gorgeous ladies of that night.
 
The women
here tonight are a walking, talking advertisement for birth
control,
no man would surely tap them unless they were blindly drunk or high.
 

             
I am now down to my tighty whities
and the woman in front of me looks like she may expire.
 
I usually make the effort to get to know a
little about the lady I am stripping for but I have absolutely no desire to
know this woman.
 

             
I glance around the bar, if you
can even call it that.
 
The punters are
all either middle aged or plain old.
 
I
will never ever step into the spotted dick ever again. The name of the bar,
the spotted dick
sounds like some
sexually transmitted disease.
 
The
atmosphere in the bar is also fucking
dead,
you would
actually think that we were stripping at a wake.
 
This is the weirdest stripping gig we have
ever had, even stranger than the time we were paid to strip for a bunch of
retired prostitutes who had some unique stories….

             
I hand over the baby oil to
ugly,
seriously she has some hygiene and self-care
issues.
 
She has a definitive uni-brow
and facial hair that would rival the damn yeti!
 
She flashes me, what I no doubt suspect she thinks is a seductive smile
and it is then that her fate is totally sealed. Instead of the pearly whites I
get from Tania this “woman” and I use that term very loosely, has braces and
teeth that are yellow and discoloured as if she smokes a thousand cigarettes a
day.
 

             
She squirts some baby oil into the
palms of her hands and rubs them rapidly, whilst never taking her eyes from my
body.
 
I usually find that incredibly
sexy but not from the yeti.
 
I want this
night to be over already.
 
She rubs the
oil all over my torso whilst she takes in my tattoos.

             
 
Yeah in your dreams sweet cheeks.
 

             
When all the
ladies are done having their fun with us, we put our cop uniforms back on. I
need to get out of the spotted dick as soon as possible, and seriously this
could totally be the name of a very dodgy porn movie.
 

             
Just as the guys and I are ready
to run for hell out of this bar and away from the women that totally remind me
of a zombie apocalypse, one of them shouts us over.
 

             
“I’ll go over, least that way we
are not giving them an excuse to keep us here. Just you guys head out to the
car.” I am convinced this will work. I really do not want to be in these ladies
company a moment longer.
 
I head over to
the bar where they are all congregating.
 
The woman that I had been paid to entertain slides over a pint glass
with some liquid that sort of resembled beer, but then again it could of quite
easily have been piss.
 

             
“Here you go big boy, bring your
beer and come over to the table with me and we can have a little chat.” She
says whilst running her fingers through her hair.

             
Holy Hell I am in so much trouble with this little mini yeti.
 
If she thinks she is going to get a fuck out
of me she is very much mistaken.
 
I would
sooner rather take it up my own ass than fuck her pussy.
 
She, no doubt has a 70’s style bush. I love
my women bare just like Tania.

             
I let out a rather long sigh at
this thought.

             
I slowly walk over to the booth
that the woman has chosen to sit at. I have no desire to get over to her
quickly,
she actually scares the fuck out of me.
 

             
I sit across from her with my
beer, it’s when I look at my beer I notice that
its
Heineken and it reminds me of the group of stunners that I stripped for, and of
course that reminds of Tania.
 
I think I
need to sort out this situation as soon as possible.
 

             
The woman introduces herself as
Izzy.
 
Okay, it really makes no
difference to me what the hell her name is. It is with the apparent polite
introductions are made that she gets up from across from me and sits right next
me. For fucks sake, her lack of self-hygiene is giving me the severe boke.
 

             
She smiles at me and all I can
stare at is her braces which are coloured pink. Just staring at the braces
makes me think about the hellish image of what it would be like to kiss
her.
 
Just as you bend into a kiss with a
character of resident evil, her tongue would come out to meet yours, ensnaring
it into your mouth and boom, your tongue would get trapped in her braces like a
bloody bear’s trap.
 
The pain that would
soon spread through your tongue wouldn’t be worth speaking about, that’s if her
dog’s breath didn’t knock you out first.
 
The thought sends shivers running up and down my spine.
 

             
I take a drink of my beer and just
as I had thought, it is as flat as a damn pancake.
 
I then almost die from the beer going down
the wrong way when I feel Izzy’s hand sit upon my knee and swiftly move up my
thigh and rest brazenly on my package.
 
I
can almost hear my cock shout,
back off
ugly, this is the gold standard and your damn braces are getting no-where near
it to tear the head right bloody off!!

             
“Look Izzy, you’re
a lovely
lass, but I am not interested in having sex with
you.” I
lie,
she is not a lovely lass in the
attractive sense of the word. However, what isn’t a lie though is when I said I
wasn’t interested in having sex with her.
 
I cannot actually emphasise that point enough, there is no way in hell I
would ever have sex with her, not even if I was high on the most halucogenic
drugs available on the black market that made her look like a 6 foot
supermodel.
 

             
“I know you find me attractive,
David.
 
I would love to give you an
evening of pure pleasure.
 
I could rock
your world.”
 
She tries her hardest to
look sexy and seductive but Christ it is not happening.
 
Me, find her attractive? Not in this lifetime
I wouldn’t.
 
I am not sure what this girl
does for a living but god almighty she could be a stand-up comedian that is
some funny shit that she is saying.
 
I
struggle to keep in the rising explosion of laughter that threatens to come
out.
 

             
“Look Izzy I am not available so
even if I wanted to, I would never betray that special someone.
 
I had better go now, thanks for the drink
though.”
 
I am not with Tania at the
moment but in my head my heart belongs to her, I just have to convince her I
have made a mistake.
 

             
I head back out to the car. The
guys are all huddled in the back with massive cheesy grins spread all over
their smug faces.
 
I slump into the driver’s
seat and sigh with relief.
 
This has been
by far one of the
most weirdest
gigs we have ever
played.
 
Eric starts coughing
uncontrollably in the back and I look back to see what the problem is.
 
Eric is in a fit of giggles like a fucking
girl.

             
“You know David she wanted to fuck
your brains out.
 
So did you not fancy
throwing your sausage down her tunnel then?” Eric at this point just finishes
himself off with his incessant laughing.
 
If the laughing doesn’t finish him off I will happily beat the shit out
of him.
 

             
“No I bloody well didn’t, she was
a munter of the highest order.”
 
This now
sends the rest of the guys into the same state that Eric is in.
 
Eric is currently bent double, clutching his
stomach, trying to grasp every last breath of air that is in the car.
 

             
A bunch of complete and utter morons.
I should leave Eric’s phone number for the
munter that would bloody teach him wouldn’t it?

             
It’s here, it’s finally here.
 
The day that Marlee becomes
Mrs Smith.
The girls all slept at Marlee’s house last night in
preparation for the big day.
 
Despite our
cocktails last night I wake up with a clear head, thankfully, I really don’t
need to be nursing a hangover during my best friend’s wedding.
 
The same cannot be said for my other comrades
however.
 
Catherine and Helen are the
first two ladies up bar myself and are both sitting at the breakfast bar with
glasses of orange juice and a packet of Nyquil scattered out between them.
 
It looks like a scene from the hill has eyes.
These girls need showers and their faces putting on immediately.
 
I burst out laughing mainly due to the fact
that they are obviously in pain when I am as fresh as a daisy.
 

             
“Stop it already, stop with the
laughing,
there is a god awful echo in my head.
 
I am sure there is a little man in my head
with a crowbar trying to prise his way out.” Helen says with a hoarse voice
whilst holding her head in obvious pain.
 

             
“Yes please stop with the bloody
shouting woman.
 
Anyway, how in the hell
are you not rough? You drank the same as us if not more and you are as fresh as
the day you were born.”
 
Catherine has
the exact same raspy voice but she is clutching her stomach as though she is
about to hurl her entire stomach’s contents onto the worktop.