Stronger with You (With You Trilogy) (40 page)

“It’s not about that, Jamie,” Jason shook his head, stroking my wrist with his long fingers. “It’s not about taking something from you that I couldn’t get otherwise. It’s about you giving yourself to me, trusting me to pleasure you and know your limits.”

“You know I trust you,” I said, worried that he felt like he needed proof.

“I do,” he nodded. “I’d just really like to do this, Jamie, but I’d understand if you didn’t want to after… after what happened.”

I cringed as I remembered my hands being bound above my head and how much it’d hurt as I fought against my bindings. I thought about the angry welts on Jake’s wrists after he’d been tied up, it had made me feel ill. The worst thing though, was remembering how helpless and pathetic I’d felt because I’d not been able to stop Duff.

“Being tied up like that, or restrained… it scares me, Jason,” I admitted, baring my soul for him to see. I thought back to the first time Jason had pinned me to the bed trying to get information out of me. I remembered being pleasantly surprised that it hadn’t bothered me. My brothers always pinned my wrists above my head or behind my back, just because they could I guess. I’d thought it would bother me more when Jason did it, because it was usually just a way for my brothers to force me to do or say something I didn’t want to, but I knew Jason wasn’t like that.

“I understand, Jamie, I-” He began, but I cut him off.

“Let me finish,” I smiled, pushing my finger to his beautifully sculpted lips. “It scares me, but you don’t,” I reassured him. “I know you’d never hurt me, Jason, and I meant it when I said I wanted to fulfil your fantasies.”

Jason looked at me with pure admiration and adoring. The look in his eyes made my heart melt, confirming my desire to do this for him.

“I’ll never push you too far, baby,” he reassured me. “We can try it one day.” He put the rope back and I eyed him curiously.

“You don’t want to get it?”

“Hell no,” he shook his head adamantly. “This stuff is way too coarse. I don’t want to mark your skin.”

I laughed and it turned in to a full on giggle fit with me clenching my stomach as I bent over double. The whole thing was just too funny.

“You quite finished?” Jason asked, his eyes alight with humour.

“Sorry,” I giggled, wiping tears from my eyes.

“What’s so funny?” He pouted.

“You want to spank me, tie me up, and do all sorts of kinky things to me, but you’re worried about me getting a little rope burn?” I said, still giggling but trying desperately to stop it because Jason didn’t look quite so amused.

“So sue me. Your skin is too beautiful to mark.”

“You wanted me to get your name tattooed on your ass,” I reminded him.

“I was kidding!” He said, looking horrified that he thought I might actually do it.

“I know,” I giggled, reaching up to trace my fingers over his slight stubble. “I just think you’re very sweet, perviness and all.”

“I’m glad you approve,” he relaxed, scooping up my hand to press a gentle kiss to my palm. “Come on. There’s one more thing I want you to look at.” He led me towards another selection and picked up what looked like an egg.

“Know what this is?” He asked.

I shook my head and he looked pleased.

“I love how innocent you are,” he teased.

“Were,” I mumbled, giving him my best fake pout.

“Were,” he corrected with a smirk. “This is a remote controlled egg. It goes inside of you and vibrates. It has different settings for strength and rhythm.”

“Okay,” I said cautiously, eyeing the package suspiciously.

“I’m going to put this inside you tonight,” he grinned.

“I thought you said I’d always have the real thing?” I teased.

“You will, but the real thing plans on being somewhere else tonight,” he said with a smirk, giving my ass a tight squeeze for emphasis. “I’m using two coupons today.”

“Oh,” I managed, my breath catching in my throat from nervous anticipation. Delicious anticipation.

“Oh,” he mocked. “Come on, let’s go pay.”

He led me out of the kinky section and I breathed a sigh of relief to be away from it all. I doubted my clenching nether regions could take any more temptation. I noticed he grabbed a clear bottle of liquid as we left and eyed him curiously but he just winked and placed the items next to the till where all my underwear was already tilled up and waiting with Jessica.

Chapter 29

Saturday, 23rd February 2013

I cleaned my plate with a smile because Jason was looking very happy. I knew he was glad I’d eaten it all but I hadn’t really had a choice. I’d been so hungry recently, which only made Jason happier. My weight hadn’t changed much at all the past week, but I figured that was a good thing. I’d rather the change was gradual.

“I’ll do the dishes,” Jason smiled, reaching out his hand to help me up from the table. “You go chillax on the sofa and let your food digest.”

“I don’t mind helping,” I answered, following him into the kitchen.

“Nope, do as you’re told. I’d hate to have to add to your punishment,” Jason said not very convincingly.

“Are you going to tell me what my punishment is?” I asked curiously.

“Nope,” he teased. “Now get your perfect little ass on that sofa before it distracts me.”

I grinned and gave him a quick hug before I did as I was told and went to sit on the sofa.

I wasn’t feeling so anxious about my punishment now. I knew Jason wouldn’t hurt me. I was, however, bothered by my reaction to the situation. The word punishment had been thrown around most of my life and I’d never really freaked out just from hearing it. I usually just accepted it because I’d done something wrong and I knew I’d deserved it. I didn’t understand what made it different this time.

“You look like you’re deep in thought,” Jason smiled, sitting next to me on the sofa. “What’s on your mind?”

“Punishments,” I answered, smiling because I liked that he cared enough to ask.

“You still worried?” He asked, his brows furrowing in concern.

“No,” I shook my head. “Just wondering why I reacted like that.”

Jason nodded and pulled me closer to him to kiss me softly. He looked a little serious and I studied him curiously, wondering if he was also mulling something over.

“What’s on
your
mind?” I asked, reaching up to run my fingers over his jaw.

“I was wondering about your reaction too,” Jason sighed, looking at me with a cautious expression.

“What do you mean?” I frowned.

“Can I ask you a few questions without it meaning we have to argue?” He asked. “I just need to know.”

“About what?” I asked, feeling a little anxious.

“Your brothers,” he said, his brows knitting together. “I promise not to get angry or upset, Jamie. There are just a few things I need to know.”

I studied his face and he returned my gaze in earnest. He looked relaxed but with a small amount of tension around his eyes. I suspected I wouldn’t like his questions, but he’d been so open and honest with the questions I’d asked him on Valentine’s Day and he’d promised to answer the other questions honestly as well. I owed him the same curtsey.

“Okay,” I nodded. “What do you want to know?”

“Your brothers scare you,” he said after a few moments of silence.

It didn’t sound like a question so I didn’t answer.

“That’s why you’re always quiet around them, always avoiding their eyes and shrinking away from them,” he continued. “I’m right aren’t I?”

“They can be a bit scary sometimes,” I shrugged, my stomach turning uncomfortably because I felt like I was betraying them.

“Why?” Jason prompted.

“I don’t know,” I shrugged, I’d never really thought about it. “They’re big.”

“I’m bigger than Benji, you think he’s scared of me?” Jason asked. He wasn’t taunting me, he was asking a genuine question.

“No,” I answered immediately, because I knew unequivocally that Ben was not scared of Jason.

“Why do you think that is?” Jason prompted.

Because you love him. Because he knows you’d never hurt him. Because he has no reason to be scared of you
. Every answer I could give made my brothers look bad and I couldn’t say it. I loved them, I knew they loved me too. I couldn’t betray them like that.

“You didn’t seem scared of Craig when he was here,” Jason pointed out, seemingly aware that I was having trouble answering.

“He didn’t scare me,” I admitted. “He doesn’t usually.”

“Why?” He asked.

“He just didn’t,” I sighed with frustration, my throat tightening uncomfortably.

“Okay, sorry, I was just trying to understand,” he said. “One more question, okay?” Jason asked, stroking my hair gently with my cheek resting upon his chest.

I nodded glumly, wanting this over and done with. I felt physically sick. I felt like I was betraying them in the worst possible way.

“Do your brothers hit you?” He asked seriously.

I sat up, pushing away from his chest. He already knew the answer, I didn’t understand why we had to talk about it. Jason’s gaze penetrated mine, patiently awaiting an answer.

“Jason, I-”

“I promised not to get angry, Jamie,” he reassured me. “I just need to know.”

I swallowed heavily.
What did it matter?
They only punished me when I did something wrong. They only did it because I let them down.

“Sometimes,” I said, my voice trembling as the unease in my stomach grew. “But not very often,” I added in a rush.

Jason closed his eyes for a second and bent forward over his lap, clenching his hands together. “So when we came back from Derby the first time I met them, what happened?”

In for a penny, in for a pound.
What Jason had told me about his parents had obviously hurt him. I owed it to him to push past my discomfort and let him in.

“They were mad that I went to that fight even though I knew I wasn’t allowed. Karl scared me and I tried to run away but Matt tripped me up,” I said, remembering the shooting pains in my shins. “He pinned me down with his knee, that’s what the bruise on my back was from,” I explained. “But I said some really horrible things to him. I really shouldn’t have said them,” I shook my head sadly. “Matt worked crazy hours whilst he was a student to look after me and the others even though we aren’t technically his burden to bare.”

“What about your ribs?” Jason asked, his eyes still closed.

“Matt hit me,” I mumbled, shame washing over me because of the awful things I’d said to him.

“Does he hit you often?” Jason said through clenched teeth, clearly trying to rein in his temper.

“No,” I shook my head emphatically. “I swear, they hardly every hit me, and they only do it when I mess up.” I could probably count the amount of times they’d actually hit me on my hands.

“They?” Jason looked up. “Who else hits you?”

I bit my lip because I wasn’t sure what to say. They’d all hit me at some point or another in my life, but I’d probably lashed out at each and every one of them as well. Siblings fought, it didn’t mean they didn’t love each other.

“We grew up together, Jason. I fought with them as much as they fought with each other.”

“I mean recently,” Jason sighed, a pained expression on his face. “Let’s do it this way; since you moved out, has Ian hit you?”

“No,” I shook my head. We’d fought a little, he’d shoved me and pinned my arms but he hadn’t actually hit me.

“Karl?”

“No,” I shook my head again. He went to hit me once but I dodged.

“The twins?”

“No.” The twins barely ever hit me. They tended just to push me or drag me around instead.

“Craig?”

“No.” Craig hadn’t hit me for as long as I could remember.

“Jake?”

“No,” I shook my head, feeling sadness wash over me. He’d have to actually talk to me to get into an argument. He used to hit me, but it was usually just stupid sibling squabbles. We hadn’t done it quite so much since he moved out.

“Okay,” Jason nodded. “So Matt’s the only one that’s hurt you since then?”

I froze.
That wasn’t what he asked me
.

“What?” Jason frowned. “What aren’t you telling me?”

“You only asked me if they hit me,” I blushed. “You didn’t say hurt.”

“You’re serious?” Jason scoffed, looking horrified.

He looked like he was having a harder job keeping his promise to remain calm now. He was looking at me as though I’d just transformed into a monster in front of his eyes.

“Jason, I love them,” I stressed, tears seeping down my cheeks. “I love them,” I repeated because I needed him to understand.

“I know, baby, come here,” he soothed, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me into his lap. “It’s okay. I know you love them.”

I sobbed pathetically into his embrace. It had been such a roller coaster of a day.

“I don’t want you to hate them,” I sniffled.

“I don’t hate them, Jamie. I know they’ve been good to you. I know they’ve sacrificed a lot and been through a lot because you lost your parents. I appreciate that they didn’t just let you disappear into foster care or fob you off on a relative,” he assured me. “What I hate is the fact that they hurt you. I know you think it’s your fault, that you somehow earned it by doing something wrong. You feel like you’re not good enough and the beatings are going to keep on coming until you get better, until you earn their love,” he breathed deeply before continuing. “I know this, Jamie, because I used to feel the same way about my Dad. I thought that if I could just be a little better, a little faster, a little smarter, then he’d stop beating me and tell me he loved me.”

The tears that had been slowing down came back full force at Jason’s words. I did feel like that sometimes. If I didn’t mess up as much, if I didn’t let them down, then maybe they wouldn’t need to hurt me anymore. If I hadn’t killed our Mum then they wouldn’t be so angry with me.

I cried even harder because I hated drawing comparisons between my brothers and Jason’s father. My brothers loved me. They’d do anything to keep me safe.

“It’s my fault they had to sacrifice so much,” I sobbed. “I don’t care what they do to me,” I cried, my voice breaking. “I deserve it,” I admitted, shame soaking through me.