Supernatural Abundance: A Journey To The Father's House (4 page)

There was so much that Adam had a hard time focusing on any one thing. On the far side of the room he saw an old kite he had built when he was thirteen. The fabric had several holes and some of the wood was broken. The race car he built with his brothers when he was ten was on top of one of the piles. The potato gun he made when he was nine, the cards he collected when he was fifteen, the baseball bat he carved when he was eleven; this was everything he used to play with and everything he had ever made.

"
When you were young your life was led by passion,
" Howard said. "
You created things because you were excited about them. You worked. Oh, you worked hard. You spent weeks on that race car. You spent hours organizing those baseball cards, and you made countless toys and trinkets for Susanna.
"

Adam looked back at the portrait as Howard continued, "
But something got lost along the way. You started working to prove something, and then you started working to stay afloat. You are a creator, Adam, just like your Father. You are meant to create out of passion. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with starting a tire shop. Your Father was just as passionate about building a doorframe as He was about sculpting one of His statues. But you didn't start your business out of passion; you started it out of pain. And then you fought to keep it afloat out of fear.
"

A feeling was welling up in Adam's chest again. It was that feeling that kept him from speaking to his Father for all these years. Pride, anger, fear … he didn't know what to call it. But for the first time he knew he had to let it go. He had to choose to let it go!

Howard smiled, "
I know there has been pain between you and your Father. But look at all you've given up by holding on to that pain.
"

Even coming back to the house had shown that, Adam thought. It had been a long time since he had felt anything as good as the comfort and warmth of his Father's house. Susanna had been the last bastion of light in his world, his last beacon of hope. When she left he felt lost and abandoned. He had assumed that she left because of how hard everything had become. But now he wondered if it was him that she was running from.
 

"
Ok Howard,
" Adam sighed, resting his hand on the caretaker's shoulder. "
How do I get it all back?
"

Without a word Howard reached into his coat pocket and pulled out another letter. Adam took it and saw his name written on the front just like the others. This time, however, it was not is Father's handwriting. The tight looping letters looked just the same as they had on so many passed notes during school. It was Susanna's.
 

Adam,

I miss you. Not just because we haven't seen each other. I miss the Adam that I grew up with. I don't know when that Adam got lost, but he did. Now you are on your way to finding him again and I couldn't be happier. I'm sorry that I left, but I couldn't stand by and watch you work the man I love to death. I wish I'd known how to help you then, but I didn't. Thankfully your Father knows just what to do. So keep going, Adam. And come find me when you've found yourself again. It's what I've been waiting for. You should start looking in the place where your dreams came from.

I'll see you soon,

Susanna

Adam folded the note and put it in his pocket, biting his lip to hold back the tears. He had been so overwhelmed by the slow and steady collapse of his business that he had been numb when Susanna left. It had been hard enough to keep his head above water as it was, thinking about her would have pulled him straight to the bottom of the ocean. So every day he worked, and every night he filled his mind with every distraction available. It would have been too painful to do anything else.

"
She came here to visit your Father just after,
" Howard said, interrupting Adam’s thoughts.

"
After what?
" Adam asked, not looking at the old caretaker.

"
Well, after she left you.
"

Adam didn't respond.

"
They talked for hours,
" Howard said, looking out a nearby window. "
I did my best not to eavesdrop on their conversation, but I heard enough to know that she didn't leave because she wanted to get away from you. She left so that she could find out how to get closer to you.
"

Adam scoffed.

"
You think I'm lying?
"

"
No, but…
"

"
She loves you, Adam,
" Howard interrupted. "
She always has, and I'm quite certain that she always will. But for some reason you believed that you had to prove yourself to her, just as you believe that you have to prove yourself to your Father.
"

Adam finally turned to face Howard, and for the first time in all his memory, he saw tears in the old caretaker's eyes.
 

"
I don't know why you think you have to prove so much to so many, but you're wrong!
" The tears were flowing freely now, "
And in deciding that you have to prove yourself, that you have to prove your worth, you have built a great stone wall between you and everyone that loves you.
"

"
Howard,
" Adam rested a hand on his shoulder.

"
I understand why you sit alone night after night. I understand why you've gone in to work everyday feeling more numb than the last. You've carried a mountain of expectation on your back for so long. Everything you are has been riding on something that is falling apart.
" The old caretaker wiped the tears from his face, straitened up, and looked directly into Adam's eyes, "
What I don't understand is why you would leave your identity tied to a ship that is sinking, especially when everyone that loves you keeps throwing out lifelines?
"

Something shifted deep in Adam's stomach. After he and his Father had their falling out, Adam had been so determined to show that he was capable. He started the tire business because it was the first opportunity that presented itself. The necessary partnerships fell easily into place, and Adam's own natural talent for business and strategy made everything come together quickly and efficiently. He had been proud of how well things had been put together, and rightly so. He had done it all himself. When everything started to come apart, when customers stopped showing up, when bills started piling up; he started to panic. The proof of his success, his value, was coming apart at the seams. Adam had fought like a cornered rat, because he felt like a cornered rat.

"
Your Father would have helped you,
" said Howard. "
He would have given you a loan. He would have given you cash outright if you would have let him. He would have brought in advertisers, business consultants, partnerships; He would have brought you anything. And then, if everything still failed, even if the business still fell apart, He would have funded your next idea. Why? Because He believes in you!
"

The weight in Adam's stomach did another sharp turn. He wanted the business to be a success so badly. It was all he had thought about for years. He had poured everything he had into that company. His time, his money, his relationships, he had sacrificed them all. But why? If it was failing, why not just try something new? Why not start over?

Then the warm dawn of understanding rose in Adam's mind. He wasn't fighting to save the business. He was fighting to save himself. All of his self worth was tied up in that tire shop. If it failed, then he had failed! It was his idea, his work, and his company.
 

"
But I failed!
" Adam said under his breath, "
The shop is done. It didn't work. I couldn't make it work.
"

"
Oh Adam,
" Howard smiled, "
Why does that matter? How many times did you fail when you tried to make the key to this door? How many times did you fall when you were learning to ride a bike? I've bandaged more of your scrapes and cuts than I care to count. Do you remember what you were doing when I was patching you up?
"

"
No,
" He said, looking at the ground.

"
You were squirming all over the place, eager to get up and back to whatever had caused the wounding. Failure didn't matter then, and it doesn't matter now. Life is full of success, and falling down is part of it.
"

Adam scratched the back of his head.

"
I'm not your Father,
" Howard said, "
But I have known you just as long as He has. You are not my son, but I don't know how I could love you more. So please hear me when I tell you that your company is not you. It came from you, so it is sad that it has failed. But it is nothing so final as 'failure' for you. It is a small stumble in a large journey. And it is such a tragedy that you would let this small stumble be your journey's end because of a pain between you and your Father.
"

Adam reached out and embraced the old caretaker. Howard had been such a constant in his life that it was easy to take him for granted. His counsel, his patience, his kindness, and his help, all of it was always there in seemingly limitless supply. Adam hadn't realized that when he left his Father's house, he had left Howard too.
 

"
Thank you,
" Adam said, filling the words with every ounce of gratitude he could.

"
You don't need to thank me,
" Howard said, returning the embrace. "
Just be the man you always have been. Take down those walls that block the ones who love you. Let us be part of your success story.
"

"
I will,
" Adam said, feeling Susanna's note in his pocket. "
Do you think I can really win her back?
"

Howard pulled back so he could again look him in the eye, "
I think she wants nothing more than for you to win her back.
"

"
I guess there's only one way to find out.
" Adam took the note out of his pocket and looked at it again.
 

"
Do you know where we are going?
" Howard asked.

"
Oh yes,
" Adam answered, "
The place where your dreams come from, that would have to be my old bedroom.
”

Adam loved his room. His Father built and designed a unique room for each of His children. Some of Adam's brothers and sisters had piles of toys so thick that you couldn't see the ground. Others held art supplies and canvases just in case inspiration struck, while some were decorated with posters of famous people or places. But Adam's room was different. In his room he had a bed, a window, and a small brown writing desk. A notebook and one pen on the desk was all the decoration it held. His walls were plain, his floor was empty, and his bed was simple and neat.
 

Adam was disappointed the first time his Father showed him the room he had made. “
You are a dreamer,
” his Father had said seeing the dissatisfaction, “
and this is the room of a dreamer. You have ideas, a great many of them; some will spend all day following you around. When you go to sleep at night, those ideas will leap into your mind and fill your dreams. They will still be fresh in your mind when you wake. Your room is simple and blank so that nothing will distract from the beauty and wonder that will come from your mind. Write down every dream. I want to see them all, and I'm sure the world will too.
”

And it was true. Ideas came into Adam's mind almost every night. By the time he was ten, he had filled over a dozen notebooks with everything that had come to him in the night. As the years went by he came to love the simple serenity that he felt in his room. Everything was blank. Everything was a possibility.

Adam grew exited as he and Howard drew nearer to his old room. They made their way up the sweeping spiral staircase in the main hall, past the door to his Father's room. He turned the knob and was surprised to find it unlocked. He was thinking about how odd this was when he noticed a young, sandy haired, man standing in the middle of his room. The unexpected presence of another person in the house was shock enough, but as soon as he got a good look at the man standing in front of him, Adam's shock deepened.

The man smiled and said, "
Hello big brother. It's been a long time.
"