Tell Me No Spies (8 page)

“What’s wrong is you
won’t close the fucking door! Move, goddammit!” I lunged at him.
And the moron wrapped his arms around me and pushed his way into
the chamber, the door closing behind him.

He released me
immediately and I glared at him from close range in the tiny room,
panting and trembling with the effort to keep from attacking
him.

“Better start the
countdown,” he advised mildly.

I wheeled to activate
the scanner on the exterior door and stood with my back to him,
fighting the compulsion to turn and batter him with my fists.

“You’ll be out in a
few seconds,” Kane soothed. “Just hang on. Just a few seconds
more.”

The sound of his voice
galvanized my muscles like a jolt of electricity. I realized I was
growling without words, a harsh keening that rose and fell like the
battle cries of two tomcats squaring off in the night.

The door released at
last, and I sprang into the lobby. Kane was instantly beside me.
“Do you need to run?” he asked urgently.

“Fuck, no!” My feet
were already carrying me rapidly toward the stairs. I grappled for
control of my voice. “I need… to… talk… to Stemp.”

“That’s a good idea.
I’ll come with you.”

“No.” I gained the top
of the stairs and spun to face him. “You stay out of it.”

“Aydan…” His forehead
was creased with worry.

“I said, stay out of
it!” I whirled and strode down the hallway.

I forged into Stemp’s
office and slammed the door behind me without breaking stride. He
began to rise, but I was beside him before he could straighten, my
fist knotted in the front of his shirt and my gun grinding
viciously under his chin.

He had obviously been
a good field agent before he took over as director. His
expressionless facade barely wavered.

“To what do I owe the
pleasure?” he inquired, his voice slightly distorted by the
constriction of his shirt collar and the pressure of my gun.

“You murdered my
husband, you motherfucking son of a bitch!”

His shoulder lifted in
a careful shrug. “Not personally. Kane did that.”

“You…” I couldn’t
think of anything vile enough to call him, all my effort focused on
not pulling the trigger until I had the information I needed.

“You… fucker! You gave
the order. Murdered him. In cold blood. And let me think. I’d
killed him. All this time.” I could barely breathe. “Two years.
I’ve been living with that.” Control shattered, and my voice rose
to a shriek. “
You rat-bastard
!”

The door latch clicked
behind me, and I caught a blurred glimpse of Kane’s shocked face.
“Fuck off, John! I told you to stay out of it!” I roared. I shoved
the gun into Stemp’s throat for emphasis and felt him tense under
my grip.

“Kane. Leave,” he
grated.

“Aydan, stop,” Kane
implored from behind me.

“Leave. That’s an
order,” Stemp ground out.

Seconds later, I heard
the door close again. I slammed Stemp back against the wall and
took a few quick backward steps out of his reach. As shreds of
sanity seeped back, I realized what a stupid mistake I’d made. I
kept the gun trained on him anyway. My hand shook so badly that
even if I had the guts to pull the trigger, I’d probably miss.

Stemp straightened his
shirt and tie, his face still impassive.

“
Fuck
!” I flung
the gun onto his desk. “Just fucking shoot me. Finish this.” I
threw myself into the guest chair and slumped down hopelessly.

He seated himself
behind the desk again, his flat eyes appraising me. “No, I don’t
think so.”

“Because that would be
too merciful, wouldn’t it?” Bitterness scalded my throat. “Fine.
Put me in jail and watch me scream. Enjoy.”

“No.” He picked up my
gun and pointed it at my face, squinting over the open sights. I
trembled helplessly in the chair, heart pounding. Fine. Just let it
be over.

Stemp sighed and
reversed the weapon, holding it out to me by its barrel. “Take your
gun.”

I stared stupidly at
him.

He waved it
impatiently in my direction. “Take it.”

“No. You’re just
fucking with me.”

He sighed again and
laid the gun down in front of me. “No, I’m not. This never
happened.”

“Why?”

“For one thing, we
still need your decryption skills.”

I felt my lips twist.
“For a little while. Until Sam figures out what makes me tick. Then
you’ll kill me just like you killed Robert.”

He shrugged. “You
already knew that. Take what you can get.”

“Fuck you.” Heaviness
descended on me. The heat of rage faded, leaving me icy cold. “Why
did you kill him?”

“It was
necessary.”

“Why? Just to fuck up
my life? How long have you been manipulating me?” Fury jerked me
upright in the chair. “You cocksucker! Do you have any idea what I
went through?
Do you have any idea how it feels to think you’ve
killed somebody you love
?”

“Yes, actually. I do.”
Stemp eyed me dispassionately. “I wouldn’t have given the order if
I’d had another choice.”

“Bullshit!” I lunged
up out of the chair bellowing, my throat as raw and painful as my
heart. “Why!
Tell me why you killed him!
”

Stemp picked up the
gun and held it out to me again. “It’s time for you to go now.”

I leaned shaking fists
on his desk and glared into his emotionless face. Nauseating
certainty climbed the back of my throat. He wasn’t going to tell
me. My husband was dead at his hands with no justice, no recourse,
no explanation.

I straightened slowly,
my spine stiffening with the steel of rage. No. Not dead at Stemp’s
hands. Dead at the hands of a man I’d trusted. Believed in. Had
been willing to die for.

A man who’d been lying
to me for months.

The gun felt cold and
heavy in my hand when I lifted it from Stemp’s desk and made for
the door.

“Don’t do anything
stupid.” Stemp’s voice froze me with my hand on the doorknob.

“Good advice.” My
voice rasped like a chainsaw grinding concrete.

I opened the door to
see Kane’s strained face. “Aydan, thank God.” His shoulders relaxed
and he slid his gun back into its holster.

I closed the door
behind me and glared up at him, violence roiling in my heart. My
hand hurt where it clenched around the hardness of my gun.

“Aydan, what happened?
What the hell was that?” he demanded, worry dissolving into
irritation on his face.

I dropped my gaze to
grapple for composure, distantly noticing the glowing white
knuckles on my gun hand.

Orders. He had only
been following orders.

“Get out of my sight.”
I shoved my gun back into its holster, releasing my fingers with an
effort, and stalked away.

“Aydan! Don’t walk
away from me.” His hand closed on my shoulder.

His touch destroyed
the last remnants of my control and I spun, my fist whistling
around to drive into his stomach. I knew the blow wouldn’t have
even slowed him down if he’d been expecting it, but he was clearly
unprepared. He grunted and half doubled over, and I used all my
weight to shove him back against the wall, my forearm jammed across
his throat.

I jerked up on my
tiptoes to get as close to his face as I could. “I said,
get out
of my sight!
” I spat.

I whirled and strode
away.

A moment later, I was
pinned against the wall by his hard body while he glared down into
my face.

Many people would
consider it a bad idea to piss off a martial arts expert. I was far
past the ability to exercise that kind of better judgement. I made
a zealous attempt to knee him in the balls.

He blocked my attack.
His hold on my arm tightened painfully and he crushed me against
the wall with his weight.

“Now we’re going to
talk about this,” he said quietly. “Would you like to do it here,
or would you prefer to sit down and discuss it like adults?”

“Right fucking now,
asshole!” My defiant growl didn’t have quite as much impact as I’d
hoped, since I could only inhale enough to manage a breathless
squeak.

“Why are you so angry
at me?”

I tried to knee him
again with no success whatsoever. “No reason. You fucking
murderer.”

He went very still.
“Oh. Aydan, I’m sorry, I-”

“Don’t bother. Don’t
even bother lying to me anymore. I know all about your orders.” I
snarled up into his face. “Cultivate a romantic relationship with
the asset. You show up in my bed and pretend you hadn’t planned it.
What did you think? I’d just fall into your arms? Well, guess what,
you could be the best lay ever, and by the way
, you weren’t
,
and it wouldn’t be enough to make me want a relationship with
you.”

Rage almost choked me
when he pulled back as if I’d slapped him, hurt twisting his face.
God damn him, he was still, bloody well
still
trying to make
me swallow his act.

“How
dare
you,
you… you… prick! All that shit you spewed in the summer. ‘Do you
love me, Aydan?’ What a crock. You killed my husband two years ago,
and then you have the sheer fucking gall to pull that shit on me. I
can’t believe I was feeling bad because I thought you were hurt.
Asshole!”

I jerked against his
hold again, glaring up at him.

Kane let go and
stepped away suddenly, and I barely prevented myself from falling.
“Aydan, we need to talk.”

“We have nothing to
talk about.” I spun on my heel and started down the hallway. I
couldn’t believe it when I felt his hand on my shoulder again.

This time he was ready
for the fist I swung at him. He blocked it effortlessly, along with
the kick and punch that followed. His face was composed, his body
relaxed while he balanced lightly on the balls of his feet. Only
his eyes showed his agitation.

Yeah, agitate this,
dickhead!

I swung at him again,
and again he blocked me. Then I was crushed against the wall.

“I can do this all day
long if you want,” he said. He blocked my knee. “You have a
choice.” He jerked his face out of range as I tried to head-butt
him. “We can talk, or I’ll talk and you’ll listen. But either way…”
He dodged as my teeth snapped together, barely missing his
shoulder. “We will deal with this. Now.”

I roared and managed
to get one arm loose. In an instant, he had pinned both my arms by
the wrists above my head. I caught a movement in my peripheral
vision and jerked around to see Stemp’s bland face peer out of his
office. He and Kane exchanged a look, and Stemp nodded and withdrew
again.

I fought harder,
humiliation adding to my fury.

“Aydan,” Kane snapped.
“Stop. Give me a chance.”

“A chance to what?
Screw me over again? I don’t think so,” I snarled.

His large hand clamped
over my mouth and he leaned into me hard. “Shut up and listen. Your
husband was an agent. He went rogue. He was a threat to national
security. I had orders to eliminate him. I was doing my job. And
I’ve never lied to you.”

Biting a chunk out of
his hand seemed like the right thing to do, but I couldn’t. My
strength drained so suddenly that the pressure of Kane’s body
against mine was the only thing holding me up.

He looked down into my
eyes. “I’m sorry.”

He released me and
stepped back. I sank into a huddled heap on the floor.

My heart thudded in my
ears while I memorized the carpet. Gray, with little flecks of
blue, white, black and an odd kind of purplish colour. No green.
Funny. The ends of the fibres were fuzzy, except at regularly
spaced intervals where a loop made a shiny contrast to the
plush.

Thud, thud, thud. How
could my heart still be beating?

An irritating buzzing
gradually intruded. I tried to block it out, but it wouldn’t stop.
The buzz resolved itself into Kane’s voice, repeating my name over
and over. I dragged my head up to focus on him kneeling beside me.
He spoke again, and I failed to understand.

“Wha…?”

“Come and sit down for
a few minutes. I’ll help you if you’ll let me.” He reached out, and
I stared at his extended hand for a few moments before numbly
placing my hand in his.

I tottered into my
office, his strong hand under my elbow, and he lowered me onto the
sofa.

“I’ll be right back.”
He strode out.

I stared blindly after
him, my mind still quivering on the threshold of comprehension.

When he returned, he
placed a small box of orange juice in my hand. I sipped
mechanically. I had been so touched the first time he’d gotten
orange juice for me. I had felt so cared-for.

Now I knew he’d just
been following orders. Nothing personal.

After a few minutes
the juice did its work and I hauled my trembling body semi-upright.
Kane perched in the chair beside me and offered me another box of
juice.

I took it from him and
sipped some more.

“Tell me everything.”
My voice shook along with my hands, and I gulped some more
juice.

Kane leaned back in
the chair, arms crossed, and sank his chin onto his chest. “I never
knew the details.” He stared straight ahead. “We never get details.
Just enough to carry out the order. Your husband… Robert had been
deep undercover for twenty-four years when they discovered he’d
gone rogue. Intel said he would move that day, so I had to act
fast. I slipped him a drug at a business dinner.”

He met my eyes then.
“I’m sorry, Aydan. We knew his habits. He was supposed to go and
work out at the gym like he always did on Tuesdays. The drug would
cause a heart attack as soon as he exerted himself.”

The empty juice box
collapsed with a hollow crunch in my clenched hand. “But he didn’t.
He came home to me instead. We started to make love. And he died in
my arms. I’ve been living with that ever since.”