The Confession (23 page)

John smiled as he leaned
forward and kissed his father. “Rest well Dad, and know that Our
Lord is with you
always.
”

Adam was still sleeping when John
pulled up into the driveway. Lydia heard his car and met him at the
door. The first thing he heard was the sounds of Gail and Bobby
laughing. They were in the family room playing video games. He
smiled at them as he followed Lydia into the kitchen. Bobby yelled
out to him, “Hey Uncle John, how are you?”

Stunned by the greeting, it took his
brain a few seconds to reply. “I am well Bobby. Thank you for
asking.”

Lydia saw the expression on his face
and suppressed a laugh. She poured John a cup of coffee and asked
him to sit down. “I’ll go up and wake Adam. I know we still have
things to discuss.”

Several minutes later, a rumpled Adam
walked into the kitchen. He walked over to the coffee pot and
poured a large cup. John said, “You look as bad as I feel. It’s
been a very stressful day for everyone.”

“Yeah, you could say that. How are Mom
and Dad? It upset me seeing him cry.”

“When I left, he was going to take a
nap. I think with time, they will be ok. He feels relieved that he
no longer has to carry this secret around with him.”

Adam felt sorry for John, and that
surprised him. “How do you feel John? Today must have been
upsetting for you.”

“I don’t know how I feel. I
remember so much
of
my childhood, but somehow I do
not
recall some
of
the behavioral problems. I guess my
brain blocked those memories. Tell me the truth. Was I that bad as
a child? Do you remember the outbursts?”

“I remember one in particular. We had
just decorated the Christmas tree, and you were yelling about the
ornaments not being where you wanted them. Several times, you tried
moving them, and Mom yelled at you. The next thing I knew, the tree
was on the floor, and you were stepping on some of the ornaments.
The way you screamed and carried on scared me. I remember Mary
crying because you crushed her Barbie ornament.”

John shook his head. “I don’t remember
that happening. I’m sorry Adam for making your life miserable. I no
longer regret my decision to leave home. I probably spared the
family many years of misery. The past must remain in the past, for
all of us. I want my family to live in peace, to find comfort in
Our Lord, and have joy in our hearts.”

Adam accepted his apology.
Lydia sat for several minutes as his words reverberated in her
mind. “I agree with
you,
John. It is obvious to me that you
are a changed man. I do not want to live my life with hatred in my
heart. I want all of us to live in peace. That’s all I want for my
family, and I think it’s time to bury the past, for everyone’s
well-being. I still think you should keep your distance from Gail.
Until she is ready to forgive you, I think it’s best for everyone
if you refrain from seeing her.”

John nodded is acceptance. “I will do
as you wish Lydia. I will keep my distance.”

Adam left the kitchen and
returned with the papers he picked up from his lawyer. “John, I
want to resolve the situation with Gail as quickly as possible. I
spoke to my
attorney
, and I want you to relinquish
all parental
rights
so that I can adopt Gail. I want
her to be my daughter. I hope you won’t fight me on this
issue.”

“Adam, I already told you I will not
assume that role with Gail. I am not the one she calls father. She
does not love me in that capacity. She is your daughter, and I will
gladly sign whatever needs signing. I am Uncle John to her, and if
she ever forgives me, I will gladly assume my place in the family
as her Uncle, nothing more.” John took the papers and quickly
signed his name.

It surprised Adam that John
acquiesced so
fast
. “Thank
you,
John. I thought
you would make it difficult for me.”

“I would not do that to
Gail, or to the two of you.” He paused for several seconds. “Can I
be honest with both of you? When you confirmed that Gail was my
daughter, I felt happy knowing that I will have a legacy through
Gail
.
I made the decision to become a priest because I
felt guilty. My guilt kept me focused on my
faith
and allowed me to
help those less fortunate. I would often see children sick and
abused by their parents, and it broke my heart. It also made me
realize I would never feel the love of a child, one of my flesh and
blood.
The denial of
what could have been
was my sacrifice, one
that I accepted a long time ago. I willingly accepted that
sacrifice
and lived my life accordingly.”

“As the years passed, those
feelings faded, and I was happy with my life. Everything changed
when I knew I was Gail’s father. My heart is happy knowing that
when I leave this earth, a part of me lives on through Gail. I
never want her to feel ashamed of how she came to be. I look
at
her,
and I want to cry. She is a beautiful young
woman. She
deserves to have a happy life, and if that means I have to go
back to California, I will do whatever it takes to make her happy.
Adam, you are her father, and it makes me happy knowing you will
always love and protect her. Give these papers to your lawyer and
make her yours forever.”

No one knew that Gail was sitting on
the other side of the wall and heard their conversation. She
wheeled herself back into the family room and cried, and everyone
heard the crying. John looked at Adam and rose from the table. “I
think I need to talk to her. Is that ok with you?”

Adam nodded his approval and John left
the kitchen. Gail was sitting in her wheelchair, facing the
television. She looked up when she heard John knock on the sliding
door. “Gail, is it ok if I talk to you for a few
minutes?”

“Yeah, come in. I want
to
speak
to you too.”

John approached her
hesitantly and sat on the edge of the sofa. Instinctively, he
reached for his beads. “Gail, I have so much to say to you, and yet
somehow, I find it hard collecting my thoughts. I know you heard
what I said to Adam. Everything I said comes from my heart. I am
proud of you, and yes, I am happy that you are my daughter.
However, knowing that you are my daughter does not give me the
right to interject myself into your life. The last thing I want to
do is make you feel uncomfortable or ashamed
of
how you came to
be.”

“Your life is a precious gift from God,
and I want you to live a happy life. I am at peace knowing you have
two parents who love you unconditionally. I know you dislike me,
and I can live with that because I know your parents and brother
love you. I want you to remember that Uncle John also loves you.
You will always be in my prayers Gail, for as long as I
live.”

Gail sat for several minutes as she
absorbed his words. “I know you regret what happened with my
mother, but I can’t get past the fact that my conception was the
result of un-consensual sex. How do I get past this? It makes me
feel inferior, and I don’t like feeling this way.”

John walked over to her and
knelt in front of her wheelchair. “I want you to listen to me Gail,
and never forget what I am about to say. I never want you to say
that again about yourself. You are not inferior. You are a precious
gift from God. I am the one that is to blame, not you, or your
mother. I am at fault and I have struggled for so many years with
the guilt that followed me wherever I went. I am no longer a priest
because I want to protect you from
the
backlash. I do not regret
my decision, because when I look at your beautiful face, the ugly
memories of the past fade from my mind and soul. Please be happy
Gail. It’s all I ever want for you.”

John left Adam’s house with
a heavy heart. Signing away
his
parental rights was the
only option. In his heart, he will always be Gail’s father.
Depression and sadness gripped his heart. He remembered Jennifer’s
offer of help. John no longer had the comforting isolation of the
church. He once again drove the familiar streets to his father’s
house. He wanted to speak to his father.

It was well past nine in
the evening when John parked the car. The lights were still on, so
he knew his parents were still awake. He hesitated
to ring
the
doorbell
and was startled when Colin
opened the door.

“Don’t look surprised. I saw you
getting out of the car. Did you forget that I am a night owl? Come
in. What are you doing here at this time of night? Are you
ok?”

“No Dad, I can honestly say
that I am not ok. I feel
lost,
and the first person I thought of
was you. I wanted to see you, to talk to you. I need help, and I
have nowhere to go.”

“Come into the kitchen and
I will make us a cup of tea. Your mother made banana bread
yesterday. Sit down and talk to
me,
John. How can I help
you?”

“I feel lost Dad. It made me so angry
when Father Mallard insisted I sign the confidentiality disclosure.
The fact that he did not trust my judgment hurts. I have kept this
secret for nineteen years. What made him believe I would put Gail
in the spotlight? I would never hurt her, or embarrass the family.
What happened is personal, and a private family matter. I do not
like ultimatums, and I willingly walked away from the church. What
do I do now? I have no skills. I have no money. I have…nothing, and
I am scared.”

“Let us help you. Pack your
bags and move in with us. We will help you start a new life.
Please,
John, I need you near me. We have wasted too many years, and
this is our time to reconnect.”

John stared at his father with tears in
his eyes. Finally, he felt loved and it was a humbling feeling. “I
would like to stay with you and Mom for a few months. I have to
figure out what to do with the remainder of my life.”

“Sleep here tonight, and
tomorrow you can move in. Your mother will be so happy seeing you
sitting at the kitchen table tomorrow morning. I remodeled your old
room, and we use it as a guest bedroom. Make yourself
comfortable
son.
Our home
is your home. I have an extra
key for you, and you can use your mother’s car. I don’t know why
she talked me into buying it for her. She never
drives
the damn
thing. Come with me, and I will get you settled in your room, and
lend you a pair of pajamas.”

Life for me has come full
circle. At the age of forty-eight, I am back in my childhood
bedroom, depending on Mom and Dad to support me. What do I do now?
The church has been my life for so many years. How did everything
fall apart so quickly? As I lay awake staring at the ceiling, my
thoughts drift to Jennifer Harrison. Her kindness and offer of
help
were
so thoughtful. I need a friend, someone that I can
confide in. Will she talk to me if I call her? My finger hovers
over her phone number. Taking a deep breath, I call her.

“Hello, Jennifer, this is John Brady. I
hope I am not calling at an inopportune time. I realize that it is
late at night.”

She laughed. “It is only
ten thirty Father Brady. Olivia finally fell asleep, and I have a
solid hour to read. How are
you,
Father? I have been
thinking about you.”

“Did you mean what you said the other
day, about wanting to be my friend?”

“Yes, I did. I know something profound
happened to you, and I will gladly listen, should you care to share
it with me.”

Taking a leap of faith, I
tell Jennifer everything. She cried for me, and the sound of her
crying broke something in me. “Please, do not cry for
me,
Jennifer. My decision was easy. Gail is the most important
person in my life, and I would never do anything to hurt her. I
just feel lost. The church has been my life for nineteen years.
What do I do with my life?”