The Confession (19 page)

Gail laughed and turned on the hair
dryer. Adam left her to it and went downstairs to talk to Gail. He
found her sitting in her wheelchair, laptop in hand. “Hey Dad, I
love this laptop. Thanks again for buying it for me. Bobby hooked
up a USB cable that connects to the CCTV. I can have my lessons
scanned and emailed to me at the end of each class. Isn’t
technology great?”

Adam remembered a time when computers
had large metal monitors and heavy keyboards. “It looks like your
brother has you all hooked up and ready to go. Are you happy with
the set-up? We can always move things around if you are not
comfortable. You’ll be living here for the foreseeable future, and
we want you to be comfortable.”

“Don’t change a thing Dad.
I love the
setup
.”

“Are you ready for John’s visit? Do you
have your questions prepared?”

Gail nodded and reached
into her pocket for her post-it note. “I hope I can get through
this without crying. I am so angry that he hurt Mom.
Everyone
keeps saying that he is a different person, but until I hear
and see it for myself, I won’t be able to forgive him.”

“If you don’t want to be alone with
him, tell me, and I’ll sit in the corner.”

“I think I’ll be ok. Don’t stray too
far from the family room. I may need you.”

“I’ll be near you in the event you need
me.”

John hesitated as he approached their
house. Adam, hearing their car pull into the driveway, had already
opened the front door. Adam extended his hand to his brother. He
immediately noticed that he was not wearing clerical clothing.
John’s hand shook as he returned the greeting. “Thank you for
inviting me into your home. I am humbled and grateful that you
invited me.”

Adam had to admit that
their previous encounters were tense, and this was the first time
he saw John somewhat relaxed. Mary, sensing his nervousness, hugged
him tightly. John, not accustomed to feeling loved, stiffened
briefly. Mary whispered to him, “I love
you,
John. You will
always be my brother. Try to relax.”

John nodded briefly and wrapped his
arms around her. “You humble me with your forgiveness, Mary. I love
you too.”

Lydia watched their
loving
exchange and relaxed. Yes, he was a different
man,
and as she prayed for strength, she walked up to John and
welcomed him into her home. “I am happy you are here John. I hope
to use this time to heal the tension within our family. I thought
it would be easier to address our issues without Margaret and Colin
being present. Adam and I will speak to them another time. This
night is for us alone.”

“Yes, I agree. We need to
resolve the hurt that exists within our family. Since I am the
cause of so much pain, I want to be the catalyst that heals old
wounds. If it is ok with you, I would like to speak to everyone
now. I will
talk
to Gail privately after dinner. What I have to say
now, everyone needs to hear.”

Several minutes later, everyone
congregated in the family room. Adam and Lydia sat on either side
of Gail, the two of them holding her hands.

John reached into his suit jacket and
retrieved his rosary beads. He found it comforting rolling the
beads in his hands. “So much has happened these past few days that
has tested my faith in God beyond its limits. Colin is correct when
he said that I used the church to hide. I also used the church to
live.”

“I knew returning to
Philadelphia would be a challenge for me. I never imagined the
turmoil that once surrounded me still existed. I speak from the
heart when I say that
I
love you, and
I
am terribly sorry for
the pain I’ve caused all of you.”

John moved closer to Gail.
Adam felt her hand tense in his, and he gave her a gentle squeeze
of assurance that he would protect her. “Gail, what I regret most
at this moment is the hurt, confusion, and a healthy dose of anger
that you feel towards me. It breaks my heart seeing those emotions
on your beautiful face. I know you have many questions that need
answering, and I promise to
respond
truthfully. You hold a
special place in my heart. I
sincerely
regret my
actions
but have peace knowing you have two wonderful parents who love
and cherish you. You will always be their child, not
mine.”

“I am sure all of you have noticed that
I am not wearing clerical clothing. I promised myself there will be
no more lies, and so I will tell all of you the truth. I requested
a sabbatical, and Father Mallard approved my request with the
stipulation that I sign, for lack of a better word, a gag order.
The circumstances of my entering the priesthood are in my permanent
file, however; I have not discussed this with anyone since I was
ordained a priest.”

“I have kept this truth to
myself for nineteen years. Why would I shame my family after all of
these years? I ran to prevent that from happening. I felt that by
signing, I was acknowledging that the life of this
sweet, beautiful
girl was a mistake. What I did was a mistake on so
many levels; however, Gail is a gift from God. By my
refusal to
sign
, I have been relieved of my priestly
duties. In effect, I am no longer a priest. I do not regret my
decision.”

Lydia had to address the elephant in
the room. “Have you done this to anyone else since you’ve been a
priest, John? Have you hurt another innocent victim?”

Dear God, how could she ask
me such a question? I feel sick. My throat burns as the
bile
chokes
me. I am going
to be sick, and run to the kitchen. Leaning over the sink, I try to
control the urge to vomit. My entire body shakes as my stomach
cramps. I lose the fight and become violently sick. I do not know
how long it takes me to stop being sick. I’m dizzy and lightheaded.
I make it to the table and sit with my head lying on top of the
table.

Mary hears his retching and
turns a murderous stare towards Lydia. “How could you do that
to
him,
Lydia? I know you are angry. I get it. That
doesn’t give you the right to insinuate John is not a dedicated
priest. Hasn’t he apologized a dozen times this past
week?”

“I have every right to question him
Mary, and you know it! I don’t give a shit if he’s
upset!”

Mary took a few steps towards Lydia,
and Adam got in the way. “That’s enough Mary. Get John and go
home.”

I feel Mary’s hand caress
the back of my head, and a sense of peace envelops me. Mary loves
me, and her love gives me the strength to move forward. I rinse my
mouth again, straighten my
jacket
and hold my head high as
I walk back to the family room. Mary whispers to me, “I’ll always
have your back, John.” I squeeze my sister’s hand. “Thank
you,
Mary. Your support means the world to me.”

I feel like I am taking the walk of
shame as I approach Lydia. No one can look at me, and I want to get
out of this house. I’ve done what I can, and if they never forgive
me, I will live with their decision. I stand before Lydia and I am
angry. I need to make myself clear to everyone in the
room.

“Lydia, what you said to me
is very upsetting. I understand you feel angry for what happened
between us, but that does not give you the right to question my
faith, to question my commitment to Our Lord Jesus Christ. I am a
devout priest. I
never
have
nor would I ever hurt anyone. You do
not understand how your question has affected me. It made me
physically ill. You will never understand how hard I worked to
change my life, and if you cannot see who I am now, then I don’t
know what to do. I am tired Lydia. I am
sick
of the constant
struggle to prove myself. That’s all I have to say to all of
you.”

I kneel one last time in
front of my
daughter
and pray for my family. When I
finish my prayer, I rise from my kneeling position and silently
walk out of the room. Everyone took a moment to reflect and
remained quiet. John’s weeping broke the silence.

Mary walked out of the
family room and froze when she witnessed John laid prone on the
floor arms outstretched.
Lying prone
is an old ritual priests
performed when seeking forgiveness.

My sister kneels next to me and I feel
her comforting hand run down my back. Her gentle touch breaks me.
“Will they ever forgive me? How long do I have to live with this
guilt? It burns my soul.”

Mary looked up to see
everyone standing in the doorway. Lydia walked over to John, knelt
next to him, and held his hand. “Please John, get up off the floor.
While I hate what you did to me, I love my daughter. The memories
haunt me, and I do not want to live my life with this hanging over
me. You want my
forgiveness;
you have it on one
condition. Stay away from my family. I forgive
you,
John. However
, I will never
forget the betrayal of the trust that I placed in you.”

When John refused to move,
Adam said, “John, come with me. We need a moment alone.”
Reluctantly, John followed his brother into the kitchen. Adam
poured a little Scotch in two glasses and gave one to John. “I want
so much to hate
you,
John. My mind has been racing all
week. I contemplated legal action to make you pay for what you did
to my wife. Seeing you like this has me conflicted. I know you feel
regret for your actions. Seeing you on the floor crying did
something to me. It amazes me that my wife, the victim, can so
freely forgive
you
when all I feel is
anger.”

“Let me make myself crystal clear. If
you hurt my daughter or my wife, I will ram my fist down your
throat, and I promise you will feel intense pain. Say what you have
to say and move on. I do not want you hurting my family. I suggest
you speak to Gail and leave.”

John nodded. “I understand Adam. The
last thing I want to do is hurt Gail. My life has drastically
changed in the past twenty-four hours. If I have to leave
Philadelphia for her to feel at peace, I will do so. There is no
need for violence. My face still hurts from the last time you
punched me.”

Adam spat out, “Remember
that
pain
because the next time I hit you, it will be much
worse.”

John nodded and left the
kitchen. He continued walking into the family room. Gail was
lying
on the
bed
and tensed when she saw him. “Gail, I must leave soon, and
wanted to know if there is anything that you would like to ask me.
I’ve pretty much said what I needed to say.”

Gail stared at him for
several tense seconds. “Every question that I had for you has been
resolved in my mind. Your explanation of what happened does not
absolve you from the fact that you hurt my mother. How do you think
I feel knowing I was the product of a rape? How do you expect me to
resolve this in my mind? How do you think I feel when I look at my
Dad, knowing that I am not his biological daughter? He has loved
and protected me my entire life. He will always be
my dad and I
want you out of our lives. You ask for
forgiveness, and I can’t give it to you!”

Once again, John nodded and left the
room. Everyone heard Gail’s conversation and remained silent.
Standing by the front door, he said, “I have said what I came here
to say. Thank you for allowing me to speak to all of you. May God
watch over you, all the days of your life.” He closed the door
behind him and walked to his sister’s car.

Mary turned to everyone
with anger in her eyes. “How long do you expect John to seek
forgiveness? Why do you find it so difficult forgiving my brother?
Has he not
begged
long enough to satisfy you? What
more does he have to do to satisfy you, crucify himself? Even
convicted criminals have a second
chance
at a normal life. His
life as a priest is over because he wants to protect Gail.” She
stormed out of the house and found John leaning against the car.
His face looked drained of color, his eyes, dull and
lifeless.